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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » I don't want to be bisexual... please, some help. (sorry, it's quite long)

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Author Topic: I don't want to be bisexual... please, some help. (sorry, it's quite long)
Pinkbluekaatt
Neophyte
Member # 77108

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I know it’s something I cannot choose. No one can choose what ice cream flavor they are gonna like. But I really, really don’t want to be… a bee. [Frown]

There’s only one person who knows about it, he’s a very close friend who tries to be more that just friends, but I don’t really like him. Unfortunately, now I feel kinda guilty AND I DON’T KNOW WHY!! I feel like, I shouldn’t have say it.

When I was 13 I had some curiosity about porn. I wanted to know what it was, why everyone liked to watch it, so I checked it up. I liked, but not too much, it was just naked boys and girls having sex. I thought it was gonna be like, I don’t know, something more else… Then I thought, “well maybe I’m just too young for that” but then I saw a girl body. I had never seen a women body like it. She was like, perfect, I got pretty scared, I didn’t know why I saw a girl the way I saw her… I ignored that feeling and moved on with my life but a year after I started to look at girls… I never really liked to, but I couldn’t control it! I liked some girls. I always liked boys. Their strong body, their masculine aspect… and I would love to feel protected by a man, to feel his hands in my arms, to be kissed in my neck by a guy and all that stuff, but I had seen some girls too, and that’s what I didn’t like about myself…

I thought I just liked boys, that everything I was thinking was just a product of my stupid teenage mind, till the day I saw my girl-friend with different eyes… I saw her, she broke up with her boyfriend, she was so sad, and so beautiful at the same time. Since then I always wanted to be with her, to protect her but when we came out from school I never knew about her till this June. I saw her and I was like “God!! She’s gorgeous!” But at the same time I felt like crap, cause I was thinking about her all the freaking time… A few weeks passed and my very close boy-friend and I started to talk and suddenly, the topic came out, so I told him that once I had a crush with this girl. He didn’t say anything for a while, and then he told me: “It’s Ok, you’re a bee, that’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with it” I couldn’t believe it, he didn’t say anything that could or may hurt me! And so I got some confidence. It felt great to tell someone about myself, and even greater to know that this someone won’t hurt me, but I’m still scared about my family.

I’m from Mexico. Here there is practically no respect for any LGBT people. The more you are a macho men the more respect you get. And if you’re a lesbian/bisexual girl you’re a “tortillera” a “puta” a wh*re who gets turned on and go bed with every-one/thing.

My family is great. They are proud of me, very proud. They cheer everything I do, and tell everyone my school notes and goals… I couldn’t ask for a better family, but there’s a tiny problem… they are all homophobic. It’s not their fault, I understand them, it’s hard to accept something you just don’t get or know. I had the same problem when I was discovering my sexual orientation. And the problem comes here, cause I don’t know how to tell them. My grandfather is a very old man who insults LGBT people, my grandmother does not insult them but that doesn’t mean she accept them. My Dad doesn’t live here, he has another family and I just can’t talk about sex with him. I live with my mom (who accept LGBT but does not like to socialize with them) and my brother (who is extremely homophobic). My aunt and cousins are my neighbors, and they spend all their time here at my house (my cousins are homophobic too, and my aunt is just like my mom). I’m the only girl in the family so they love to have a sister, a baby girl to take care of, but, what if I tell them? What would they say? I’m still their baby girl, I never changed… But, would they understand that? Or at least, would they accept me?

And here the problem gets bigger… My friends… I made some friends in at school. They have no problems with LGBT people, but some of them make this “eww” face when a gay friend comes… I have to admit it, I have insult LGBT people, but it wasn’t because I wanted! I had to! I didn’t want to be bullied. If you defend a gay person suddenly everyone thinks you’re gay too.
My girl friends are just great and I’ve never had a crush with any of them, but now I have a new problem… I changed of school, and I just can’t stop looking at her, a classmate. She’s incredibly beautiful but I don’t like her, I just like her body and her style. I know I like boys, and I know I like girls, but I don’t know if I should tell them, tell all my family, tell my friends... How should I? How can I? When? Where? I DON’T KNOW!
I’m afraid they will not accept me. What would they say? What would they think? They won’t look at me the same way, and I don’t even know if they will ever look at me again…

I know my english may not be perfect, I’m sure about it, but God knows I’m giving my best here… Please, help me. I'm really scared and I don't know what to do with myself
[Frown]

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Posts: 7 | From: Mexico | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It's always so funny to me when your users for whom English is not a native language apologize for their English. Honestly, yours is often better than the English of a lot of native speakers. [Smile] No worries!

You know, I remember a bunch of years back when the first dyke march happened in Mexico. The photos made me happycry my eyes out because having a sense of the history and culture, I know how long those women had been waiting for something like that. Of course, it's clear the changes are still very slow, and obviously, they can't exist in a vacuum. So, I hear you on how tough it can be to feel this way when you're living in a culture that's so unsupportive and unaccepting. When your family is also unaccepting, it's a serious double whammy.

But you're right: this isn't something we can choose. We get to choose what, if any, actions we take around our orientation, but we're going to be attracted to who we are: we're going to have whatever feelings we have, and we can't stop them.

I can't possibly know how your family members would react. I wish I could. By all means, sometimes what turns homophobic people around is finding out someone they know, love and care for is LGBTQ. It can be much easier to hold on to bias when it's about people one doesn't actually know. But that's not what happens with everyone, as I'm sure you know. Some families remain unaccepting.

With your friends, one starter step I can think of to help here would be NOT to chime in with LGBT insults. If you don't feel safe calling people out who do, that's okay, but how about just non-participating? In other words, rather than chiming in OR calling out, just don't say anything. Just be quiet. Participating in homophobia or biphobia is only going to a) enable exactly the kind of sentiment that's making you and other LGBT people feel so bad and b) make you feel worse about yourself.

It sounds like you really want to be able to come out to more than one person who will accept you. Do I have that right? If so, maybe you can think about all the people you know, and come up with a list of the people you think would be MOST likely to be accepting, even if you're not 100% sure?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pinkbluekaatt
Neophyte
Member # 77108

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OMG You answered me!!! THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH!!! [Big Grin]
And yes... I know I shouldn't... [Frown] I started to feel extremely bad when I realized that I was hurting people and hurting myself at the same time.
Once, my friends were bullying a gay classmate. He was scared so I tried to stop them, tried to make them understand that just because you like someone of the same gender doesn't mean you're gonna be some kind of prostitute, but it is really hard to make them see that. Television, internet, the radio... all those things love to call us freaks, say that we're sick and we're dangerous cause we're gonna spread AIDS... Since that happened (approximately 2 years ago), I started to keep calm. I didn’t want to bully and I didn’t want to be bullied. I started to isolate myself, so no one would be able to say something to me and I wouldn’t be able to defend/insult anyone.

Now that I’m in a new school, I tried to make new friends without saying anything to anyone about my sexuality. No one knows if I like boys, if I like girls or if I like both (obviously, everyone thinks I only like boys). Luckily it worked, and I got to say that my actual friends are very nice with me, I really love to hang out with them, but even though they're great friends they still being a little intolerant with LGBTQs…(I have a gay classmate and my new friends do not bully him, but when he’s not in the classroom, they joke about him, saying things that fortunately he can’t hear, but I do). They all know me as “that cute weird girl of the cats” cause I’m extremely shy, I love cats and I don’t really like to talk with people so it would be really weird if they notice that I’m bi, cause everyone thinks that a LGBTQ person is “happy”, crazy and nasty… and I just don’t fit into that description.

The only person who knows this is my very VERY close friend, but I do not have too much friends like him. Only three more and they are all girls, so it would be awkward to tell them about me. I wish I could come out, say it without feeling chased, you know, like hunted, and worried all the freaking time… And with these new friends, I really wanted to tell them, but I like our fellowship. I never felt so good with any friend-group but this one, and I don’t want to lose them. [Frown] In general, my friend list has only 8 friends and I think only two of them (besides my other very close friend) won’t say any hurtful thing to me, or at least, won’t reject me. Anyway, there’s one thing for sure; they will never see me the same way and won’t talk to me for a quite long time.

I really would love to tell my mom and my brother, but they are so… I don’t know. I have been trying to tell her for two years, but she refuses everything about LGBTQ… She always has this answer for me: “If there’s a day, there’s a night. If there’s a sun, there’s a moon”. And once I thought I could convince her so I said: “But, what about sunrises and twilights? What about rainbows and eclipses?” She didn’t answer me at that very moment. She just walked away and said: It cannot be anyway. Now with my brother, well, he uses too many words to insult LGBTQs “joto”, “choto”, “marica”… And the list continues… Here in Mexico those words would be like “fag”. He and my cousins call themselves with these offensive words when they are arguing and fighting. When he sees LGBTQs he chills and talks about them like if they were a plague… But he likes lesbian porn… I don’t know who the sick one is. Me for being bisexual, or he for watching lesbian porn and saying that lesbians exist just because they love to have fun…

I’m really grateful with you and everyone in here. (I’m just like... “Heather, answered me [Big Grin] !!”), and I’m really glad I found the site, cause now I understand myself a little bit more, and I feel even better! But now I have this silly question… Do I have to wait? Do I have to wait till I finish school to say a thing? Should I try to start again in a different place? Cause I’m not sure that everyone in here will accept me, and I’m referring to all my family, my friends and all the nice people who love me and take care of me. If I come out, I will lose friends for not saying all of them. I’ll be a shame for my parents, for all my family members, cause we don’t have any LGBTQ relative. I would be the only one, their freak and shame.
I know you said that I shouldn't worry about my English, but I apologize for any mistake this may have [Frown] and again, thank you [Smile]

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Posts: 7 | From: Mexico | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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quote:
ut now I have this silly question… Do I have to wait? Do I have to wait till I finish school to say a thing? Should I try to start again in a different place? Cause I’m not sure that everyone in here will accept me, and I’m referring to all my family, my friends and all the nice people who love me and take care of me. If I come out, I will lose friends for not saying all of them. I’ll be a shame for my parents, for all my family members, cause we don’t have any LGBTQ relative. I would be the only one, their freak and shame.
I don't think there's anything silly about your question. Living in such a way where we're keeping a part of us secret -- one about love, no less -- for fear of violence or abandonment or harassment is a horrible thing for anyone to feel they have to do. Wanting that to end sooner rather than later is hardly silly.

So, no, you don't have to. It's up to you to decide what you need, feel comfortable with and also what you can handle. Now, I don't think any of this makes YOU anyone's shame: if someone put it that way, I think the truth is it would be about their own shame, fear and ignorance they were putting ON you. In other words, it's not really about you, it's about them.

However, you might well have people who would present it that first way, without taking that kind of personal responsibility for their own stuff. So, you need to think about what you're up to dealing with.

My best advice is to start where you know or think you will find acceptance: to build a support circle for yourself in general, and one you can fall back on when someone isn't accepting. You said you can think of a couple friends you're pretty sure will be accepting, right? If so, how about starting with those people?

By the way...

quote:
Now with my brother, well, he uses too many words to insult LGBTQs “joto”, “choto”, “marica”… And the list continues… Here in Mexico those words would be like “fag”. He and my cousins call themselves with these offensive words when they are arguing and fighting. When he sees LGBTQs he chills and talks about them like if they were a plague… But he likes lesbian porn… I don’t know who the sick one is. Me for being bisexual, or he for watching lesbian porn and saying that lesbians exist just because they love to have fun…
I have to say, the irony of that gave me a chuckle. Bit of a sad one, because, of course, you're right. The idea that it's okay to be sexually entertained by women acting like lesbians in pornography but not okay for anyone to actually be lesbian is outrageous. And yet, it's not like there aren't people like your bother who basically think or do exactly that. [Frown]

However, even something like that brings us back to that fear place. For instance, in pornography, "lesbians" are effectively ONLY about sex and only around for the entertainment of men. It's a non-threatening context. It's a way for some guys to feel like women and sex are still all about them, even when women are with women. It's also a way for people to avoid feeling threatened by the bigger picture, which is that orientation is usually about way more than sex, about bigger things, and there are people in the world who are not available to a given person sexually, including because they simply are not going to be attracted to that person based on their gender.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pinkbluekaatt
Neophyte
Member # 77108

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Thanks again for answering me [Smile]

Now I’m taking your advice and I’m making a friend list. It’s gonna be little, but it would be better than nothing, and those two friends I mentioned before are gonna be the first ones to know. You know, since I started posting here I feel quite better now. Finally I started to look at girls (always discreetly) without feeling like crap, and I cannot believe that I’m actually making some dyke friends in USA! [Big Grin] I’m not sure if I can say that I’m proud of it, but you’re right, if there’s “shame” it’s gonna be their shame, not mine, cause I’m not doing anything wrong, I’m just being me.

And I think I can wait. I’ll try to have more than four friends around me and supporting me and then --I’d love to think-- I’ll be ready to come out with the rest of them. (And I know is gonna be a looooog process, cause it’s a very delicate topic and I’m not very talkative or sociable) I’m still scared about my family, but I’ll try with my friends by now. I’m hoping that it would be easier to come out with people who barely know me so I’ll say it to these good new friends I have. I know there’s the possibility that one, two or more won’t take it easy to understand, but that’s the only way I have to know who’s gonna support me and if it works I’ll try with my mom and brother. I’ll see if I can make him understand that I’m still being his sister and that I’m not a half boy or lesbian. That the fact that I like some girls doesn’t mean I want to go bed with them, the thing is, how can I say that to him? I mean, as siblings, we’re very close, but we differ in many other things, especially on this LGBTQ issue. And with my mother… well, I don’t know what can I say to her. As I said it before, she refuses many things, but I know that is hard to understand something if you don’t feel it, and I cannot make her feel the way I do.

Emm… Do you know how can I come out with a “straight” girl? [Confused] Cause one of those very good friends is a girl, but I don’t know how can I tell her. The only person who knows this about me is a boy and it wasn’t very hard to told him, but it will be extremely awkward to say it to a girl, and I don’t know how can I do it without losing her friendship or sounding like if I were pretending, or even worse, like if I were looking for a relationship with her.

Thank you !! [Smile]

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Posts: 7 | From: Mexico | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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This all sounds really good! I know, though, that it so, so sucks when it feels like no accepting family is available. I'm so sorry you're in that situation. I very much hope that they can evolve around this so that chances for you.

With your last question, how about we try this on: do you think it would make sense for a straight girl who was friends with a guy for the guy to know she was straight?

In other words, are you assuming that this girl will think, just because she's a girl, you're attracted to her? Surely she knows that because she's attracted to guys doesn't mean all guys or mean she can't have guy friends, right?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pinkbluekaatt
Neophyte
Member # 77108

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Yes!! That’s exactly what I thought! (Because obviously, I do not like every girl I see, but you know, everyone in here have a very dirty mind). I think that, if she really appreciates our friendship, she’s gonna realize that I’m not trying anything with her.

And here at home I started to say: “Could you please stop saying those words? I mean, you can say them but please, not when I’m here. It’s just… unpleasant” to my brother and cousin. And it is working!! At first they just laughed at me, but then they started to understand. The progress is really low, and we’re doing it very slow but at least it’s working! I cannot believe that my mother is actually scolding them when she hears them! And I didn’t even have to tell them!! I’m really glad.

Could a letter be a good way to explain it to my friends? I’ve been writing something, like an speech, cause even though they are really great friends, they don’t really know me, and I don’t really know them and I find it hard to talk... But I’m not sure if it would be a good way to say it, a good idea, I don’t know if they may think that I’m joking, but also I’m not sure that I’ll be strong enough to say it while looking at their eyes… I think I’ll cry.

Thanks!

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Posts: 7 | From: Mexico | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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