Donate Now
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Just need to talk.

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Just need to talk.
Unicorn-Party
Neophyte
Member # 78131

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Unicorn-Party     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi all! I'm partly posting this because I think seeing it all written out might help me see things a little clearer, but I'd really appreciate any advice or experience anyone has to offer.

Since I was about 13 (I'm now 19) I've known I like guys. But I'd also find myself thinking about kissing girls. I kept on telling myself that it was because it was more interesting / exciting not that I was gay. I was entirely convinced of this, and perfectly fine with it, knowing that whilst I was attracted to females I wouldn't want a relationship with one.

Then last summer I started a new job where many of the staff were LGBT. Before this I'd only met gay males before, so I found myself learning a lot more about lesbian relationships, as I suppose in my head I'd built them up as being all about sex and not loving / caring like hetero ones. I also found I had a huge crush on a particular girl, more than I'd ever felt for another girl before. I spent a lot of the summer really confused, but then I left the job at the end of August and put it down to being surrounded by so many lesbians it would have been strange if I hadn't wondered about it, and since I was unlikely to see the girl again it wasn't like it mattered anyway.

This summer I returned to the job, but that girl did not. However I found myself getting very close to another girl. On my last night before leaving I finally plucked up the courage to tell her, and we kissed. It was amazing!

Sadly we're now 700 miles apart and she's just about to start college, so logistically it would be a really bad idea to start a relationship. We talk on the phone for hours, but we've never actually discussed our feelings. I think this is because I'm scared to. I've pretty much accepted that I'm bisexual now, there's just one thing that worries me which is if we do get together I may realise that I'm not bi and our entire friendship would be ruined.

I'm also really scared about the idea of sleeping with another girl. I've had sex with guys, and whilst it was Ok, I've never found it all that satisfying and I'm worried that this might be even worse with a girl.

I'm sorry that this is so long, i'm just really confused about my feelings right now. Thanks. x

Posts: 6 | From: North Carolina | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Welcome to Scarleteen, Unicorn-Party. (Where, by the way, you don't have to worry about things being too long. This is a place for talking, after all. [Smile] )

I'm wondering if you might be able to tel me why you think your friendship with this person might be ruined if, in fact, you discovered you were not at all attracted to women. Mind, it seems like you have had those feelings, so I'm not sure I understand where these fears are coming from, but what if? For sure, you'd probably not want to move forward and pursue a sexual or romantic relationship with this person, but do you feel your friendship requires that you be a certain orientation?

With sex, you know, the fact is that what our experiences of sex are like are usually way more situational than broad. In other words, how sex is with someone is usually going to be about a whole lot more than just their gender. It's about our unique dynamics with them, how we feel about ourselves, where we're at sexually, how well we communicate (or don't), a whole bunch of things. Gender can be part of that bigger picture, but it's usually only a part.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67996 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Unicorn-Party
Neophyte
Member # 78131

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Unicorn-Party     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi, thanks for replying!

I feel that although I'm not in a relationship with her, we've both acknowledged that we're interested in each other, and she'd be really hurt if next time I see her, I turn around and say 'actually I've changed my mind'. So I want to be certain that this isn't a phase, or whatever (one of my friends suggested this, and it's kind of freaked me out).

I guess the sex thing will come with time, I'm just a bit scared I wouldn't know what to do and I'd be bad at her. Particularly because I know her ex-girlfriend, who was pretty experienced.

[Smile]

Posts: 6 | From: North Carolina | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay.

So, how about if you bear this in mind: even if our orientation is such that we CAN be attracted to someone or interested in them, that never means our interest will be there, or the same, for the whole of our lives, or even for a month from now. In other words, there are a TON of things that could change your feelings for her, not matter what your orientation was, and the same goes for her when it comes to you.

That given, why worry so much about if it did happen to be your orientation/her gender that created that change?

When it comes to not knowing what to do when it comes to sex, the truth is that with a new partner, we should never think we know what to do, because we all can like different things, things done given ways, and what we want and like with one partner isn't always the same as what we do with the next. In other words, unless we're kidding ourselves (which can also really cheat our partners and make sex we engage in with people a lot less personal and interesting), we have to know that every time we have a new partner, it's kind of like starting all over again when it comes to sex. So, no one is going to know what to do with a new partner. They might think they do, but unless they have had a LOT of conversations before getting sexual about what each of you likes and wants, chances are good they -- or we -- aren't really going to have a clue.

You might also find this link helpful when it comes to ideas of being bad/good "at sex": http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/what_makes_someone_good_in_bed

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67996 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Unicorn-Party
Neophyte
Member # 78131

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Unicorn-Party     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hmmmm. That's a really good point. If it were a guy I was interesting I'd just be going with the flow, but I seem to be really over analyzing everything now!
Posts: 6 | From: North Carolina | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think that it can be tough sometimes not to with so many of the frameworks we're given - or are trying to adapt to -- when it comes to being queer, and with the way it's still often positioned in the world. Heck, even the ways all orientations are.

For instance, often enough people kind of get the idea that what it means to be oriented to a given group per gender means that we might feel attraction to EVERYONE in that group, or that our attraction per gender kind of takes precedence over everything else. Know what I mean? If so, that's just really not how it works, and is just kind of an unfortunate distillation of a whole lot of shorthand.

In reality, when we're attracted to people, it's usually for a whole host of reasons, and gender can be one of those things we feel attracted to or towards. Same goes with having relationships with people: just because we feel attracted, even when it's mutual, doesn't mean a given kind of relationship will be the right one between people at a given time, or will stay the right one. people have interest in each other and lose interest in each other, or find the way they are interested changes, all the time.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67996 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3