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Author Topic: Anxious, possibly bisexual
Green.Tea
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In the past I've identified as straight, although I've never had a relationship with either gender. I've constantly questioned myself as to whether I liked girls, but dismissed it because I never really attached any emotions to these thoughts. Last year I met this girl who I quietly crushed on for a little while.

Now I think she likes me, but I can't sort out my shit and I hate that.I've freaked out when she's slyly flirted with me, but I'm not sure whether that was my emotional incompetence, or because I wasn't interested. I can't tell whether I'm just responding to the fact that she likes me, or whether I do want a relationship with her. I feel emotionally attracted to her, but not physically, like I previously have with guys. (Although my fantasies usually involve girls, I can't decide whether it's as the object of my desire.)

So I end up doubting the sincerity of whatever my feelings are from minute (hetro! No, bi! No. Competley asexual!)I just feel so isolated because I seem to only feel things when I'm away from her (that also goes for my recent hetrosexual crushes.)Sometimes I feel that whenever I question my hetrosexuality, I become depressed and lose the ability to be attracted to anybody. The refrain I keep hearing myself think is that "I wish I was in love with her." I don't really know what I'm asking, I just really wish I could reconcile myself definitively and feel something.

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But the pear tree was as lovely as ever and as full of flower and as still- Katherine Mansfield

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Heather
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How about if you try and set aside what your orientation is right now, and just try and figure out what your feelings are for this individual? You could have feelings for her no matter what your orientation was, so your orientation is only so relevant here.

Very, very few people in the world are 100% heterosexual or homosexual. When we use those terms, they mean that someone is only or MOSTLY attracted to people of the same or opposite sex. It can mean exclusively, but in real life, for most people, it rarely does. As well, our feelings about just one person are unlikely to give us solid info on our feelings for a gender as a much, much larger group. On top of all of that, it's not like someone's gender is the only thing that determines how we feel about them, you know?

So, let's just focus on how you feel about her. I think I hear you saying that you don't have sexual or romantic feelings for her, but you wish you did, because you perceive she may have those feelings about you. Do I have that right?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Green.Tea
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I was interested in her when I first met her, before I knew she liked me, but I hated (and still hate) the idea of leading her on, and then back-peddling saying "Oh wait, I think I like guys", when she's so confident in her sexual preferences. I know it's a gamble of realising you might not like the other person *whatever* their gender is, and for whatever reason. I'm just so anxious that I'm doubting myself whenever I feel I've come to a decision about her.

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But the pear tree was as lovely as ever and as full of flower and as still- Katherine Mansfield

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Heather
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Can I ask, though, why you're feeling like it's so different to get to know her more, or to try dating her (if that's what you want) and discover her gender winds up being a dealbreaker for you rather than a thousand other things that can be when we date someone?

Also, can I ask why you're thinking about this in a way that not liking her around gender means anything about guys? To put it differently, if someone finds out they don't feel they connect/are attracted to someone short, does that automatically mean they must like tall people?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Green.Tea
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I suppose I keep coming back to gender because, like you say, I'm not sure whether I want to date her, or whether I'm just flattered by her attention (and the fact that we have so much in common.)When I think I've reached a decision that I'm not interested in her, I question why, then, I keep thinking about her. I don't want to get to a stage where our friendship is ruined because I led her on and then decided I wasn't interested.

I think the short/tall analogy helps. I suppose I'm just pigeonholing myself and then getting frustrated that I don't fit said pigeonholes.

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But the pear tree was as lovely as ever and as full of flower and as still- Katherine Mansfield

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eryn_smiles
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I think that most people don't fit into pidgeonholes though. I don't think that it would be leading her on as you are unsure of your feelings and orientation. Could you talk to her about not being sure about dating yet but valuing your friendship with her? How do you think she would react?

(What does your quotation mean? I love Katherine Mansfield's short stories and have been to her birthplace [Smile] )

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Green.Tea
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Yeah. I'll see how things pan out. I'm very non-confrontational haha.

Wow that's amazing! I love how her stories are so pithy and decorative at the same time. This is a quote from a short story called "Bliss". http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/mansfield/bliss/story.html

I won't give away the ending, but (depending on what you take the pear tree to mean- I think it represents the main character)I think it's saying that no matter what circumstances surround us, we're still lovely, complex and worthwhile people [Smile]

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But the pear tree was as lovely as ever and as full of flower and as still- Katherine Mansfield

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eryn_smiles
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I hope it turns out well for you. I also find it hard to talk with people who I like/ might like. But I think good communication always makes things clearer..

Thanks for link. Thats a lovely way to take the meaning. My favourite stories are "Her first ball" and "Dolls house". Wikipedia tells me that Katherine Mansfield was bisexual. Who knew!

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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