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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Doubting myself!

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Author Topic: Doubting myself!
Emilbee
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Member # 48737

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I've been feeling a lot of emotional stress lately around my sexual orientation. Three years ago, I started questioning and very soon came to the conclusion that I was bisexual. It made a lot of sense to me - I've had sexual fantasies/dreams about both men and women (both of which I was ashamed at first, as I was young and hadn't figured out my religious beliefs yet, but now I accept and enjoy them), and since then I've become very comfortable within that identification.

And so I've finally gotten around to telling family and friends. My sister, with whom I'm very close, was the first to know and has known for a couple of years now. Since then, I've told my close friends, and allowed them to tell others if I come up in conversation, since I didn't want to make a huge deal out of it but still wanted to important people to get the information directly from myself. I still haven't told my parents (who are very accepting and will undoubtedly will be happy for me - I'm lucky in that regard), but my coming out is where the problem starts.

Now that I'm coming out to people, I'm feeling more doubt than ever. I know that I fit to the very simplest definition of bisexuality - I'm sexually attracted to both men and women (and am actually more easily turned on by women's bodies) - but while I've had strong romantic feelings for guys before, I never have before with a girl. I've also been experiencing a huge dip in my libido lately, which has coincided and interfered with my experimenting with masturbation and sexual stimuli and only added to the emotional and sexual frustration.

Every time I tell someone, I start shaking uncontrollably. Whether it's due to relief, stress, guilt, anxiety, I don't know, but it takes a while for me to calm down. I know that in the way I came out to my friends, I can't retract my confession, but I'm not really considering that anyway. But the one thing I do have control over is telling my parents, and this fear has put up a mental and emotional wall every time I work up the nerve. I just freeze and can't even say I want to speak to them.

I know this is so long and unorganized, but I'd just like some direction. I felt so comfortable with my orientation until I started the process of coming out... I'm wondering if the anxiety is because I've started too soon, but I'm going into my senior year of high school and I just want to be able to be completely open with people, so I can enjoy my last year as much as possible and go into university with nothing to hide in that regard. I just really need some help right now because at this point it almost feels like I'm lying to people.

Posts: 23 | From: Canada | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can I ask why you're disclosing your orientation to others right now, especially if it's making you feel so uncomfortable?

How about just not doing that, or shifting your answer to "questioning" if and when the question of your orientation comes up?

Mind what combo of men/women romantic/sexual attraction bisexual people feel isn't any kind of rule: it's very variable, and also often will shift throughout life and based on a person's relationships and opportunities at a given time. So, it's also not like there's a requirement that a) you have to be sexually or romantically attracted to any gender, or have all of those boxes ticked for each, or b) that how you feel now, in just a few years of even thinking about all of this has to be finite. In fact, it never does.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Emilbee
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Member # 48737

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That's the thing, though - Before I told anyone, I felt certain. I felt like I was ready to come out. It wasn't until after I'd told a few close friends that I started doubting myself.
But I do agree with your suggestion, and I will shift my answer to "questioning" when it comes up.
Thank you for replying so quickly, by the way. [Smile]

Posts: 23 | From: Canada | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It's pretty hard to know how ready we are for something we've never done before, though. So, we might feel ready and comfortable before we have the experience of doing something, then find that afterwards, when the actuality of what that can all mean is tangible, feel very different.

I hope you know that for anyone, being out and to whom is always a choice. For sure, it can have political issues affixed to it, as well, but ultimately, it's about you, what you feel most comfortable with, and what you want. So, you don't have to be out to anyone you don't want to be out to, and if someone asks your orientation, "That's private," or "I'm not comfortable sharing that with you," or even "I'm really not sure lately how I feel about sharing that," are also always options.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Emilbee
Neophyte
Member # 48737

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Thank you so much for this. I'm definitely going to follow this advice and in the meantime give myself some time to just think and let myself become comfortable. [Smile]
Posts: 23 | From: Canada | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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