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Author Topic: Dont know what to do.....
Kriss
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So umm... I've been dating my girlfriend for almost a year now, and i sorta told my parents that i was dating her, but it was during a time when she was being pressured by her father to break up with me... So i ended up crying to them that she broke with me... Long story short, my dad doesnt like the idea that i'm dating a girl so he's been keeping me from hanging out with her... But we're both getting sick of it and i need to tell them that i'm serious about her.... But i dont know how to.... I'm really afraid of confrontation, especially with my dad... And he said that if i keep persisting about this we'll surely get into a fight.... I dont know what do.... :S

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"Any kind of love is fine, it's your hate you have to watch."-Margaret Cho

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Stephanie_1
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Hey Kris, welcome to Scarleteen.

Have you tried asking your dad to have a sit down chat with you about this. (Often times when a person wants something and is in the heat of discussion already it can be the worst time to try and state a case). Also, does your family have any rules about age and dating, or age and where you can go with people you like? It may help if you've not had a calm discussion out of the heat of moment times to really ask why he feels the way he does, and offer some of your own thoughts.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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eryn_smiles
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As well, when you have a chat, do you think your dad would be open to looking at some resources about same-sex relationships? Do you know what he particularly objects to about you dating a girl? What is your mom like in terms of support?

This is one of PFLAG's popular publications for parents, "Our daughters and sons":
http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Daughters_Sons.pdf

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Kriss
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Thanks, Stephanie and eryn. (:

I havent talked much about this topic to my parents.. I've been avoiding it actually, which i know i shouldn't be doing. But i just find it really hard to talk with my dad about anything, especially personal matters.
And i'm pretty sure his main issue with me dating a girl is that i wont be able to have kids. (i have a big family and everyone loves when new kids come in) and also because he feels that it's unnatural to be with the same gender.
With my mom, during the whole "break-up" fiasco she said that she was willing to support me but she'd rather i be going out with a guy, though i'm still a little worried about talking to her about it.
I'm not completely sure he'd be willing to read the article, but thank you for it. ^^

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"Any kind of love is fine, it's your hate you have to watch."-Margaret Cho

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Heather
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Why wouldn't you be able to have kids if you had a partner who was a woman?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kriss
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Well, i mean having kids in the tradtitional sense. I know that i could still have children with a female partner, it's just that my dad's a pretty traditional guy so having children in this kind of relationship probably doesnt cross his mind.

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"Any kind of love is fine, it's your hate you have to watch."-Margaret Cho

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Heather
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Let's try this on for size, then, to get to what the real issue probably is.

Would he have the same issue if say, you and a male partner couldn't create kids via intercourse between the two of you because of a fertility issue or disability?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kriss
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Well, he probably wouldnt....

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"Any kind of love is fine, it's your hate you have to watch."-Margaret Cho

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Heather
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So, can we agree that his issues are not about kids? You said you felt sure it was his main issue, but sounds like that's not the issue at all.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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The reason I go through things like that, by the way, is that if and when you do have this discussion, I think it's helpful to be able to know what's real and what's BS coming from other people.

For instance, if your father says his issue is about kids, having thought this through to know it's not, you can a) know that's not actually true and b) have had this think-through to hopefully be able to come back with something like, "You know, I don't think this is really about kids at all, so can we get to what this is really about, so we're dealing with the real issues and thus, more likely to be able to work through them?"

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kriss
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Well yea, I'd say it would be one of his issues... But not his main one.

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"Any kind of love is fine, it's your hate you have to watch."-Margaret Cho

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Heather
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Except that if you don't think he'd act the same about that alternate scenario I described, then it really isn't about a worry there will not be kids.

So, what do you think his main one is? And whatever it is, do you feel like he's got any interest in being flexible around it out of love for you? How about your Mom in this: do you think whatever that issue is, she could be supportive of you around it, and help your father learn to adjust it?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kriss
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Umm... Well, if it came down to it, I'm pretty sure his main issue would be the fact that she's a girl. He's told me before that he doesn't think that this kind of relationship is natural and he doesn't accept it, so I doubt he'd be very willing to be flexible around it.
With my mom, I'm not completely sure about how supportive she would be. I think she would be a more supportive about this than my dad would be though.

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"Any kind of love is fine, it's your hate you have to watch."-Margaret Cho

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Heather
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So, how about trying to talk to your Mom about this first, then?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kriss
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Okay then, I'll try doing that first. Thanks. ^^
I plan on talking to her about this tomorrow, so hopefully things go well...

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"Any kind of love is fine, it's your hate you have to watch."-Margaret Cho

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Heather
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Kriss: do you want anything to share with her that might help? For instance, PFLAG has a really good parent pamphlet.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kriss
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Hm.. it might be helpful. I think I'll print out that pamphlet from one of the earlier replies.

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"Any kind of love is fine, it's your hate you have to watch."-Margaret Cho

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eryn_smiles
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Hope talking with your Mom goes well, Kriss!

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Kriss
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Thanks eryn ^^ i'm trying to keep my courage up while i wait for her to come home. I'm pretty nervous right now, but my girlfriend's helping me to stay confident so that's good.

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"Any kind of love is fine, it's your hate you have to watch."-Margaret Cho

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Karybu
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I'm so glad to hear you have your girlfriend there for support - that can make such a huge difference. I hope the talk with your mom goes well.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Kriss
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Thanks Karybu, and yes i'm really glad that she's helping to support me too, she's a really big help to me.

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"Any kind of love is fine, it's your hate you have to watch."-Margaret Cho

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Kriss
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*sighs* well that didn't go as smoothly as i wished it would... My mom was a lot calmer about it than my dad would have been, but she still doesn't accept the fact I'm gay. She says that I'm going to change soon enough once I meet more people, because she's gone through this before and did change. She said not to think of myself as being gay because then I'll be shutting myself out to oppourtunities where I'll change my mind.... So, I don't think I'll be getting much support from my mom... Now I'm even less confident in asking if I can go to places with my girlfriend....

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"Any kind of love is fine, it's your hate you have to watch."-Margaret Cho

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Heather
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I'm so sorry to hear that. Did she look at that information you gave her?

Do you want some help with where you can take this conversation from here?

Like, perhaps telling her that for sure, sexual orientation can be fluid, though how it is and if it is really depends on the person.

So, some people call themselves straight right off the bat, and think they are, and then later on in life, find out that's not true for them anymore. You could say all that then ask her that if THAT were your situation, would she be asking you not to think of yourself as straight?

As well, were you able to ask her what she'd say right now if it turned out that you were gay all of your life? And how not going with how you feel now (or later) could also mean you might miss opportunities?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kriss
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I don't think she would have wanted to look at it, because she sounded pretty determined that I would change.

She'd said that she wanted me to think about my future and what kind of life I'd end up living if I stayed like this, and she said I was too young to know for sure that it's what I am.

Of course, I still don't plan on changing, but having parents who don't accept or support me with this is not very helpful.

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"Any kind of love is fine, it's your hate you have to watch."-Margaret Cho

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Heather
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You're right, it's really not, and it really sucks. Again, I'm so sorry it went this way, even though I'm glad that you were able to do something for yourself in voicing your identity.

The good news is that many non-accepting parents do get a clue in time and change their tune. The bad news is that that usually takes a while to happen. [Frown]

In the meantime, do you have other people who support you around this? Other family members, friends, a teacher, a mentor...?

[ 07-08-2011, 08:31 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kriss
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Thanks Heather, and i just hope they do eventually get used to it...

And at the moment i don't really have any other big support other than my girlfriend. Some of my friends and cousins know though, and they're accepting about it so that's fortunate for me.

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"Any kind of love is fine, it's your hate you have to watch."-Margaret Cho

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Heather
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Maybe you could ask those friends and cousins for some extra support?

I am so sorry you're going through this: I know, too well, how this can feel and go. In fact, I remember my own mother clearly having more of a clue about how I felt about girls than I did, separating me from the girls I got closest too again and again when I was younger. It was only later I figured out that was really about her own biphobia/homophobia.

But, if you want a happy-ending story, while it was all very thick, years ago I was able to bring a girlfriend to a big family event with no issues at all, full acceptance, the whole enchilada. Took an awfully long time, but for the most part, when it comes to me, anyway, she came around eventually.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kriss
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I could try to ask them, they're pretty okay with it, they even tease me about it sometimes lol

And that sounds so nice, i'm glad you were able to bring your girlfriend to a family gathering. I hope i'll eventually be able to do that as well.

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"Any kind of love is fine, it's your hate you have to watch."-Margaret Cho

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