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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Help me figure me out?

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Author Topic: Help me figure me out?
Horrible Hostess
Member # 64292

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There are a lot of things I think about related to my sexual identity. It's probably what I spend the majority of my time thinking about these days. No surprise, really, considering I'm 16.
BUT TODAY, I would like to focus on one aspect of my sexual identity: sexual orientation.
I knew since the seventh grade that I liked girls, but I am still unsure if I like guys. Recently, I've been focusing on going out with a guy to feel out the situation. No success so far (which puzzles me greatly, since I've been told numerous times I'm beautiful, but my insecurities are for another post).
In result of my non success in going on a date with a guy, I've been considering not caring about it anymore since I'm 98% sure I am not attracted to guys in any way, shape or form.
Further reasons for dropping guys altogether:Moving on with life. Also, I will be moving soon and I want to be sure who I am before I start anew in a different state.
So what should I do?

More background information: I have gone out with several guys in the past. The last was two years ago, in the 8th grade. I never felt sexually attracted to him, I just agreed to be his "girlfriend" because I felt so happy someone thought I was pretty enough to date. I've felt like I couldn't know I was a lesbian until I had been with a guy, or at least kissed one. I have kissed multiple guys since the 8th grade, but still nothing. Yet I am still unsure...

I'm standing on a cliff between a cold world of malice and a demise I don't know if I want.

Posts: 3 | From: Charlotte, NC | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Captain Girl
Member # 60279

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Certainty is overrated.

Dating and kissing people you aren't attracted to sounds to me like a good way to ruin two otherwise very enjoyable activities by loading them up with negative associations. You do not have to give guys a trial run just to be certain that you don't like them. (No one suggests that straight women get with a few other women, just to be sure. Or that straight men should give other men a go.)

IMO, it's okay to identify yourself as someone who likes girls, and understand for yourself that sure, some mythical, blindingly attractive guy could some along one day. Right now, that guy is hypothetical, and the people you're attracted to all seem to be girls.

Posts: 129 | From: Boston | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 23917

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You know, unless there's a particular guy in your life that you want to date, or you're in a situation where you find that you especially want to kiss a certain guy, there's no real reason to go out seeking to "test" your orientation by dating men. Experimentation is all well and good, but there's no reason to force it. Also, I'm sure you're not setting out intent on hurting anyone's feelings, but if you pursue an actual relationship with a guy when you're pretty sure you aren't attracted to him, you may be setting him up to get hurt.

Truth be told, a lot of queer folks (myself included) spend at least some time in the place you're at right now, and it's a perfectly fine place to be. Personally, it takes a lot of work for me to be comfortable with uncertainty, and to accept that not every aspect of my identity can be perfectly defined. It's hard for me to accept that my relationship with men is complicated, and that I don't really understand it right now. But you seem pretty certain in your attraction to girls, and that's quite a big step on the way to figuring yourself out. That can be enough material to allow you to build a label and an identity for yourself if you want to, at least for the moment. There's always room for change.

Posts: 406 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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