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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » I feel like I'm being inconsiderate when I feel certain things...

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Author Topic: I feel like I'm being inconsiderate when I feel certain things...
Ohana626
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Hey guys. I'm feeling a little confused. I've always been straight, never questioned it. Even now that I'm talking about it, I still feel like I'm straight. But I'm having a bit of a problem.

Sometimes I get "girl crushes". There will be a girl that I see and find very pretty, and would think that if she was up for it, I'd kiss her. But usually I don't think much of them. Until recently. For the past few months, I've had a "girl crush" on this one girl in my school. We're class friends, and hang out during school trips friends, but not hang out outside of school friends. I think she's the prettiest girl I've met, even though by social standards (really skinny, perfect skin, shiny hair, etc)she's just average. I really like her as a person, and I really want her to like me more than she does now. When we were on our music trip, she was holding hands with a girl friend of hers and I got very jealous. I also happen to get a little jealous when she talks about things she's done with guys (they are fun stories, but...she's quite experienced, and that makes me a little jealous, both from wishing I got to do some of the things she has, and part because...I'm not really sure, to be honest)

I feel like if she was willing, I'd totally kiss her and things like that, but she's straight as they come, so it's never going to happen. This is where I start feeling guilty. I feel like I'm interested in her simply because it's safe and I won't get hurt. I go to an all girls school, so I hang with girls a lot, even though I have a bunch of guy friends. I'm comfortable with both sexes, but I'm more used to girls. But I am very attracted to males, but this one girl is making me very confused. (I also happen to have a horrible crush on Emma Watson, but that's just a famous person crush, I never think anything of that) I feel like I don't really want her romantically, and I'm just confusing it with wanting her to like me as a friend. The problem is I keep thinking about her in a romantic way, even though I believe myself to be straight. And this is the first time this has happened that I've thought about a girl so much in this way, and it's only her that I find attractive in this way. Sometimes though I feel like I'm just messing with my mind and that I don't like her like that at all, and then other times I think I might like her romantically. I can't figure it out...or maybe I don't want to figure it out. I'm currently going though stuff with two guys right now, and liking her feels safe, even though it makes me sad that we'd never even be able to try anything out, and I'm not interested in trying anything out with any girl other than her.

I'm hoping I'm not being inconsiderate to any lesbians because I might be using liking a girl as a safe haven, or because I may say I like her and not really mean it. I don't know if I mean it or not. Sometimes I think I do mean it, and then other times I don't. Any insight on this would be greatly appreciated, thank you!

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Heather
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I first want to make clear that I don't think you're being inconsiderate of anyone here. Your feelings are your feelings: they're not only not in your control the validity of them isn't contingent on anyone else's feelings or identity.

As well, No orientation is somehow magically immune from making interpersonal choices or putting their hearts places that are about keeping them away from others or keeping themselves "safe" in any way.

But I do want to check in with you about that, because this has come up before in conversations. I see some other things we can talk about here, too, but I'd like to start here.

So, I've got a question for you: if feelings for a girl and feelings for gay men are about a safety net for you (not saying they are or aren't), what do you think would NOT be "safe" for you or about not taking positive risks? And whatever it is, why?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Well, as for wanting to feel "safe", the reason for that is because I'm afraid of liking someone who turns out to be gay. I have yet to be attracted to a guy who's interested in me, and most of the guys that I've liked myself I have discovered sometime after liking them that they are gay. So liking a girl who is straight feels safe because there is no way that I would ever get hurt from her, because there is nothing there to begin with.
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Heather
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I think I asked what I did in a murky way. Let me try again.

Assuming -- which is a tricky assumption given your feelings for this girl now, but let's go with how you're identifying your orientation overall for the moment -- you feel most attracted to men, and that's who you most want to have romantic/sexual relationships with, do you think pursuing that group of people for those kinds of relationships is NOT safe for you or doesn't feel safe?

In the past, you've voiced that mostly, not dating people in that group has been more of lack of opportunity for you than anything else, as I recall, so I just want to make sure this issue of safe/not safe is even a real issue. If you can't find the opportunities to even pursue male partners who might have mutual interests in you, it might not have anything to do with anything, is all.

I think it's also important to know that often enough, someone not having the kinds of feelings for us we have for them is also painful in and of itself. In other words, I know you know already that that can hurt and be a way to feel/get hurt, even though it's not like the other person is trying to hurt you or is responsible for you feeling hurt.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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I am not afraid of going out with guys. But it's been happening that the guys who are interested in me I have not been very interested in them, and the guys I've been interested were not into me, and it has begun to wear me out. That's what I mean by "safe"; liking this girl leaves no room to get hurt because she is straight and would never go out with me, and because I believe myself to be straight, it doesn't hurt very much that she would never be into me.
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Heather
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Well, we can like and have feelings for people and not pursue relationships with them. Just because we have feelings doesn't mean it's always in our best interests to pursue them, whether that's about wasting our time and energy, getting involved with people who think would treat us poorly, not being in the right space or time in our lives to pursue relationships, what have you.

Feelings, for the most part, tend to be pretty fluid. In other words, we can let them come and in come out without holding too tightly too them or giving them too much weight. While it can often be useful to analyze our feelings and desires, there's also a balance to be struck: over-analyzing or over-thinking them is rarely of benefit.

So, how about you just let these feelings be what they are without putting too much on them, or seeking out anything with them you're pretty sure would be fruitless?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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It's okay to do that? I often do end up over-analyzing things, to be honest. But maybe if I stop that, letting it be would be good, especially since I am not going to see this girl all summer. I like the idea of not worrying about it, and just letting it be the way it is, but I never thought it was okay to just leave feelings like that alone.
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Karybu
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It's absolutely okay to do that. [Smile] Sometimes thinking about our feelings can be a good thing, as Heather said, but sometimes it's better just to let ourselves feel things without really digging too deeply into what those feelings may mean or acting on them in any way.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Heather
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It sure is!

There's no rules about what is and isn't okay to do with your feelings, save that you want to always do your best to not do anything with them that might do you or anyone else harm.

Letting feelings for someone just kind of float around as they are without focusing too much on them or taking any action around them is always just fine to do. [Smile]

Do you want to talk about why you didn't think that could be okay? Or what you thought you were "supposed to" do with these kinds of feelings?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Well I always wanted to know WHY I felt the way I did about things. I was interested in how my mind worked. Especially since there's so much in there right now.

I still like my best friend, but feel a little hurt with him because he's been hanging with his guy friends so much and I feel like I'm being phased out because I'm not new and shiny anymore, and his guy friends are. And I want to tell him this, but I feel like I'll sound selfish or he won't really listen. And then there's Pat, who I'm going out with tomorrow, and am happy about, but am unsure how it's going to work, not that I'm worried because we're both cool with just letting what happens happen. And then this random liking a girl thing came in to play around February, and this has never happened to me before. It just feels like a lot, and being the organized person I am, I try to sort things out, and sometimes that leads to over-analyzing.

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Djuna
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Hi Ohana! I hope your date with Pat went well. [Smile]

I'm hearing that when you have feelings for someone, be they sexual, romantic, platonic or something else, you're trying to organise your relationship to that person into one of a few structures (like a certain understanding of how a friendship or a sexual relationship is supposed to work). Have you thought about the possibility that perhaps that's what's not working for you?

Relationships (in the general sense of the word) are something you can customise if you want to - identifying what it is you feel about the person, and therefore what sort of activities you want to do with them. So for example, if you have a friend who's great to watch movies with, but you don't enjoy long talks with them as much, then maybe that person is best suited to being your movie buddy, regardless of other ideas of what "friends" need to do.

With your best friend, for instance, it sounds like something you could do is talk with him about wanting to see him more (if that's what you want), and I really doubt, if he's your best friend, that he'll think you're being "selfish". Too, if you want to talk about how to have that conversation in a way that's not confrontational - so you both feel awesome about you wanting to see more of him, which is a really nice thing - then that's something we can talk about here too. [Smile]

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Ohana626
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Hello! Thanks for replying. yes, my date went well, I had a good time, and got my first kiss as well [Razz]

I am seeing my friend tomorrow, so I'm hoping to be able to talk to him, but I am going to try calling him tonight. I think I know how to say what I want without sounding harsh, I just want to make sure I get my feelings across.

Another problem I'm feeling with my friend is that I've liked him for a year, but he has no interest in me in that way. And now I'm going out with Pat, and he really likes me, and I'm enjoying myself with him, but I still like my friend. A girl friend I asked about this told me that she thought that it was okay to go out with Pat and still like my other friend because I had liked him for a year, and those feelings weren't going to go away immediately, even with having someone like Pat around. She thinks that if my feelings for my friend persisted past months of a relationship with Pat (assuming it turns into that) THEN I've got the problem.
My only concern is that I have an easier time getting over someone if I stop contact with them, but he is my best friend, so even though i don't want to like him, I want to stay friends with him, so I don't want to lose contact.

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Heather
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You know, it's pretty common for people to be attracted to far more than just one person, even to have romantic feelings about just one person. That doesn't mean that if and when someone wants an exclusive relationship, they can't have one or do fine in one (mind, exclusive relationships aren't the only kind we can have, either). And I'd say that's seriously a non-issue when you're just starting to date someone, are aren't even sure how you're feeling about them, yet.

Chances are that you don't have to cut contact with your best friend for your romantic feelings for him to fade over time. They probably will, especially as you date a bit more and start to really explore what it can be like to have those feelings and have others be able to share them. [Smile]

So glad you enjoyed your date! [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Thanks Heather, that makes me feel a lot better about this!

I'm encountering another problem though. My best friend and Pat don't...like each other. They don't get along. My friend says that Pat is really mean to another one of my friend's friends, and another friend of mine says that he doesn't think Pat likes him, but he's happy for me anyway, and overall...Pat isn't friends with the people in the theater group that I'm friends with (Pat's in the orchestra pit part) And this makes me feel really uncomfortable, because I believe in putting friends first....and I don't know how to handle this situation. Part of me doesn't like the idea of going out with someone that my best friend doesn't like, and might be unable to hang out together with (let alone with my other theater friends)

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Heather
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Again, I'd just keep some perspective about this. You've had one date. Are you thinking you'll have another? If so, why don't you do that, have maybe a couple more, then if you're feeling like this is someone you want to get more deeply involved with, you can start thinking about this more.

It might also help not to put romantic relationships and friendships in some kind of cagematch, where one always comes first. And it's not like something like this can only be an issue in that scenario. For instance, for years, two of my very closest friends did not get along at all. They still really don't, so what would I have done there if I had tried to make this about choosing between one or the other because they didn't like each other? Know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Yeah, I understand. And yes, we're going out again. Pat is really interested, and when we talked about it, he thinks that eventually we'll be a couple. Right now, I'm open to that as well, I just don't know yet.

And I talked to some other friends of mine, most of them are actually pretty cool with him, even if they aren't particularly friends. So it's really only my best friend that was the problem...but part of my anger at him isn't just about Pat, it's a whole mess of things. So I think that blurred my objectiveness in this situation.

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Heather
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Want to talk about it? Happy to listen and give feedback if you like.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Thanks, Heather. I've been friends with this kid (let's call him Ricky) for over a year now, and he and I have been best friends for most of it. He's not very reliable, and I happen to have a better grip on reality than he does, but he's so much fun to be with and really does care about people who are important to him. About two months after becoming friends, he stated calling me multiple times every day, and so I'm used to that groove. He came out as gay to me, and I accepted him for that, and just recently he decided he was bi, and I was supportive of that too. But for the past...two months, about, he's rarely called because he joined a band and is now really close with all the guys in it, especially one named John, who happens to be a pretty good guy, so I'm not upset that he's making new friends obviously. It's just that I feel like since he joined the band, I've been being phased out, like I'm not new and shiny anymore and he's found others who are. Back when we first started getting close, I knew this would happen, but so much time passed since then that I began to think that it might not, but it has. And I told him that I was feeling a little phased out, and he said he didn't mean to be doing that, he's just been really busy. And it's not that he's busy, it's just that I was so used to him wanting to be around me so much that now that all of a sudden he doesn't, it's a little bit of a shock to the system. Plus I've liked him for so long, so that makes it hurt a little too...but now with all this, I'm starting to like him less. He's also been hooking up with girls, who I'm sure he must know, but just seem so random to me. But this is his personality, and it's probably because I'm not so blinded by liking him that I'm taking into account how annoying it can be. Another thing that has been bugging me, and that I just blew up at him today for was that I lent him a pair of my nerd glasses. I really like these, but I didn't mind him using them for a bit. Well he's had them since the cold months, and a "bit" has turned into forever. I've been asking him for months now for him to give them back, and he's always like "yeah yeah I will I promise" and EVERY TIME, he doesn't have them. Just last night, he was going from his mom's to his dad's and I asked him if he wouldn't mind just picking them up before he left and bringing them to me today (I'm seeing him today) and he said no problem. Well today he messaged me on facebook saying that he couldn't, and I just got so angry that I called him and he said that he didn't have them, and I got so angry at him that I hung up on him. I'm getting really frustrated because a major part of me can't STAND him right now, but the more logical part knows that I don't want to kill the friendship. So I'm going to have to be nice today, which might not be too hard since I haven't seen him for awhile (which is also unusual for us, but once again, he's sooooo busy now). So I just don't know what to do about all this. I know he's still a good guy, and that he loves me, but sometimes he just makes me so mad! And I have a horrible time telling him all this on the phone or in person, because I have trouble making my point, and he doesn't really respond much when I do. So I wrote this whole thing about how I'm feeling to him on his facebook messages, and asked him if he would read it, and he said yes, but I have a feeling he won't read it.
Thanks for listening to this all, it's just been building up for weeks now.

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Heather
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I can certainly understand why you're feeling so upset and so frustrated!

It sounds to me like it's also WAY past time to tell Ricky that you need him to make time to hang out with you so that the two of you can have a serious talk, where you voice your feelings about all of this, and how he's acting about you dating. Sounds like he's been a really unsupportive friend, of late, anyway, and if you can't get time from him at all save to have him do things like critique who you're dating, this certainly is a friendship going seriously south.

But if he's as invested in it as you are, and does have love and care for you, he WILL make time to sit down with you so that you can talk about these things and try and remedy what's gone wrong in your friendship.

I think you have to know that if he doesn't or won't make that time, it's probably sound for you to think about if your level of investment in this guy and this friendship makes sense with what his is, you know?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Well what happened was that I saw him yesterday. And it was a very awkward hello, since I had just hung up on him a few hours before, and I was still pretty angry. But I sat with some other friends for the show that I was at his school for, and he was backstage (it was a student produced drama, and there were vocalists from the cast singing broadway songs). And during the singing parts, we would occasionally catch each other's eye while I was sitting in the audience and he was peeking from behind stage. After the whole show was over, he comes over and asks "Wasn't that better than you thought it would be?" and I laugh and tell him it was, and then I pull him a little closer to I cold speak more quietly, and I ask "So are we...okay?" And he looks at me, and I can tell by his look that he is serious, and he goes "Yes, yeah of course we are." I knew he was telling the truth. After the show, everyone from the cast went to the cafeteria for pizza and music and stuff, and I went because I was in the other plays and they were all my friends. A few minutes into the party, Ricky pulls me away from the crowd and says:
"Don't worry about what I think of Pat. You do what you want to do, and I'm okay with it. I'm happy for you. And...I read your message on facebook, and it almost made me cry."
I didn't have much to respond with that, so the conversation was pretty much over, but we hugged each other and told each other we loved each other, and I knew that was 1)the most I could expect from him on the topic, and 2) we really were okay. Ricky's personality...he takes in what people say, but doesn't always respond, unless he's asked, so when he told me that he read everything I wrote, and that it almost made him cry, even though he said it in a few words, I knew that he understood and took in what I was feeling, and although the response was short, I knew that it was okay. I also knew when we were back to normal when he told me he, in a slightly frightened tone, that he broke my nerd glasses, and I started punching him (I didn't hurt him...I'm very weak, and I he and I know it, so he doesn't get mad when I hit him and I know I'm not really hurting him at all) and he ran away form me and I chased him twice around the cafeteria, and we ended up laughing and hugging again. Plus he also came up and tried to grind/dance with me (he likes doing that...he loves dancing haha) so I knew he wasn't mad at me for anything, and that he felt completely okay with us.
And I'm very happy that he really did read what I wrote, and although part of me wishes that he had more to say on the subject, that's just not who he is. I think it might be a good idea, now that we're not on edge with each other, maybe calling him up and trying to see if there's any way we could find a little more time for each other. He's a little naive in believing that he'll have more time in the summer for us, but I know his schedule, and I know there's not going to be "more time"; he's going to a theater camp which is every day until 2, and as far as I've seen, he's very much attached to his band and the members in it (that still makes me jealous, but there's nothing he can do about it, it's not his fault) so he will want to be doing a lot of things with them, so I'm not going to get all "oh yeah summer we'll have sooo much time." I'm more grounded in reality than he is.

Oh on a side note, Pat and I aren't going out anymore. I had a fun time on our date, but he was at the party yesterday, and what happened there...it made me feel like I was really only interested in hanging out and dancing with my friends, not worrying about paying special attention to a boy. And then when it was slow dance time, I danced with Pat, and we were kissing, and I had this crazy desire to have my eyes open, I don't know why. And what happened that made me really realize that I didn't want to continue with him was that as the song was beginning to end, I was thinking "This song is pretty long...it could end now and I'd be okay with that." I feel bad, but I let him know and he's not angry or anything, as far as he's shown me. My reason I gave him was because I don't want to have a boyfriend. This is partly true, I'm not particularly interested right now. I just don't care about boys and dating as much as a lot of other people are. And when I like someone, I get this feeling that just lets me know. I don't have to think about it. With Pat, I had to think about it, and the end result was that I felt that I didn't want to kiss him anymore. It's popped into my head the fear that I'm not pursuing anything because I'm still pining for Ricky, but I don't think that's fully true. I naturally am not interested in a lot of people, so I'm not surprised that I'm not pursuing this with Pat...I'm also a little afraid that I'm not going anywhere because I've always been single, and I'm afraid of change. But then I dash that thought, because when I've found guys that I've liked, I've desired to be their girlfriend. But then I think that all the guys I've liked, I kinda knew that I could never be with them, even though I liked them, so then I was afraid that I was liking guys BECAUSE I knew I couldn't have them. But then I think that's funny, because I never thought about liking a guy; it just happened.
Sorry this was so long, my mind cannot calm down with these thoughts.

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Heather
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Hey, this is the point of dating, rather than going right into a serious relationship when we first meet or start seeing someone. You spent some time with this person, you enjoyed yourself, but you're just not feeling it as a love match for you. That's okay!

I'm also glad to hear you've made some headway in getting some resolution and communication with Ricky around the things that are important to you, and in ways that might not yet be ideal, but are meaningful to you.

(However, I now wonder if the glasses I wear every day are "nerd" glasses, and if so, if they're still cool if I actually need them to see. [Razz] )

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Yeah, I did have fun with Pat, but I'm just not feeling enough to continue it. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm going to be single forever, but I'm willing to wait to encounter that person who really makes me feel something special then to start a relationship with someone that I'm not too interested in.

Yeah, I'm happy about this, but I'm a little afraid to broach the subject again, because he's not the most responsive. (and as for the glasses, I need them to see too, but the ones he borrowed I need contacts to see with them because they're just accessory glasses, really big frames and all. I think they're cute...and apparently, so did he, because he's not giving them back... [Razz] )

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Heather
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Member # 3

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I think you're pretty young to be worried about being single forever, you know?

Mind, I know how it can feel that way, but I do think that realistically, that's a pretty premature assessment.

I also think that you're unto something good when you make clear that just not being single, all by itself, regardless of the quality of the relationship or your interest in it, is a pretty hollow thing. After all, we can feel lonely even with others sometimes when we're not really connecting, sometimes even more so than when we're actually alone.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Yes, I do understand that it's unrealistic to believe that I'll be single forever, it's just how I feel sometimes. But a lot of the time, I'm very cool with being single. It's only when I like someone that I'm unhappy about it. I don't want a boyfriend just for the sake of it. So I'm pretty happy with everything right now. The only problem is that I still like Ricky, and sometimes I'm okay with that, and sometimes it punches me in the stomach.
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