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Author Topic: Just came out...
Kawani3792
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Surprisingly painless. I was about bawling, trying to figure out what to do and I went in my mom's room to grab some tissues. She asked me what was wrong and I spent about ten minutes in utter silence before mumbling "I'm gay"...
to which she responded "I kind of thought so". She agreed not to mention this to my brother, dad, and homophobic grandparents before I'm ready to.
I am absolutely full of excess panic-adrenaline that my body suddenly didn't need, and I was literally shaking for two hours afterwards (and crying, for some reason...I've got no idea why, I think the stress).
Anyhow...I think I'm happy.

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Kachina
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Congrats! Nice to hear how well your mother responded to the news. I bet it feels like some weight off your shoulders!

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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Kawani3792
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I'm stuck somewhere between "oh wow, this is great" and "crud, I have to go through this horrible heart-stopping panic again???"
It's funny, because I couldn't tell her when I wanted to, when I realized that it was a good idea and everything, but when I found out an LGBT youth conference was being held right in my area, culminating in a party at the local arcade-type place with pizza, dancing and such, and there would be other youth and people that might actually understand the heart-stopping panic (obviously, Scarleteen is great, so are all my other sites, but it would be really nice to talk to someone in real life), I sort of spent a long time agonizing over it, especially when the person I emailed said if I got my registration in soon that she'd pretend it didn't come in late and waive the late fee for me (a good thing, because I don't have $25). So that gave me a reason to tell her, and a reason to tell her quickly. And a reason to panic so, so much.
So now I just have to actually get her to give me a ride. I might only end up being able to attend the party, though I'm hoping to be able to volunteer.

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eryn_smiles
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Good on you for telling her [Smile] that's really brave of you. I found that as I started to come out to more people the panic feeling kind of lessened, so hopefully that might happen for you as well! Your party sounds like it will be great.

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Djuna
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Congratulations, Kawani! [Smile]

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Kawani3792
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Thank you! I'm just pretty happy, she seems to be taking it well. She called and talked with a friend of hers that I said I didn't mind her telling, who also supports me wholeheartedly. So I guess in a way I've come out to two people now? At least two people, because that friend is married and has two daughters, etc, so yeah. It's sort of snowballing.
My next big hurdle is my dad-I'm not even all that worried about him getting angry or whatever. He'll just pick on me, I think. He bugged me for a week after I got my cup.

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Djuna
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If you're expecting that your father will pick on you after you come out to him, but that is something you still want to do, do you think you'd be able to tell him that you won't appreciate being picked on about your sexuality? Too, if you feel like he won't be respectful of that, could you discuss with your other family members that that's something you want, so that they can support you by calling out anyone who is making hurtful comments?

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Calamity Jane
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That's great for you! I wish I had the courage to come out to my parents :$

If you think your father will be mean to you because of your preference, maybe you should have your mother tell him and insist that he not bully you because of it?

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Love.
What a curious thing.

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Kawani3792
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I just don't really think I could just tell him that, he's just...he doesn't mean anything by it, he just teases me a lot. A good part is probably that he was gone a lot when I was going through all the real growing-up time, through no fault of his own. He was deployed with the military when I turned 13 and 14, when I was 15 we moved to a new town and he was traveling with work when I turned 16 and 17. On my 18th birthday I was on crutches, just like I was when I was 10. He had the waitresses at the restaurant sing happy birthday to me and gets me little toys and stuff for gifts. He thought I was totally nuts when I ordered my LadyCup and refused to go near it...he basically treated the (sealed, and you couldn't see what was inside) package like most people treat underwear that isn't theirs-pinched between a few fingers and squealing "EW!"
And the problem is, the comments aren't particularly hurtful, and they aren't meant that way at all. It's just like, he's poking what looks like a little scab with a feather, it looks totally fine to him and he isn't doing much, but there's a huge ginormous incredibly tender bruise under that and he doesn't realize it, and the last time we did stuff together and I trusted him, I was about 8...it's difficult to talk to him 11 years later.

Good luck, Calamity Jane! I hope you'll be able to sometime. It was more a matter of necessity...there's an LGBTA (the A is Allied) youth conference in my area soon, and I really want to go, just to be able to talk to people who know what I'm going through. But my mom is my ride and so the conflict sort of shoved/yanked me out of the closet. Meanwhile she agreed to take me, by the way. She also talked to the father of my best friend and first crush, who came out almost a year ago, and he told her she should make sure I know all about safer sex and everything, and this and that, and lesbians can still get STIs, etc...my mom was pleased to no end when I explained that that was one of the topics at the conference.

I know she'll stick up for me, and it's not that he'd bully me, it's just...he's hard to explain. Um...hm. He just...I don't think he would realize how big a deal this is to me, it's just "ok, you're out. Hey everyone, my daughter is gay!" and he wouldn't think anything of it. I'm creeping out of the closet and he'd be yanking me out. Or my mom and I will be watching one of our tv shows and he'll ask if I think a certain actress is cute or something (and I am literally incapable of hiding my emotions, if I'm frustrated or angry, I cry, if I'm embarrassed my face goes beet red, my parents would be able to tell instantly my answer). My personal preference would be that they just accept this as a given and don't talk about it, and to that end I'm trying to minimize it. My mom knows, yay, now if I come home with a girlfriend she won't be surprised. That's the only situation that this will ever be important for her to know. I don't have to talk about the woman on the dancing show, because all that will do is remind them. And dad would be reminding her all the time. I don't know *what* would happen if that first crush and I were ever dating-my parents practically treat her as their daughter anyway and we've been like sisters for almost nine years now-I've had a crush on her for about four of those years. I'm dreading if she ever asks me how I figured out I was gay and I mention "well...it was around the time I started dressing up and hoping you would notice, and wondering if you thought I was cute..."

[ 07-05-2011, 04:35 AM: Message edited by: Kawani3792 ]

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Djuna
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What I'm hearing, Kawani, is that with your LadyCup, your dad chose to shame you about menstruation, a natural thing your body does. That's seriously uncool, and it doesn't count as humor, you know?

I get that you're saying he maybe doesn't realize how hurtful he's being sometimes - but if you don't feel comfortable with telling him that, I feel like coming out to him would probably mostly serve as a way to expose yourself to further teasing and hurt. So it sounds to me like it wouldn't be the best idea right now.

As for your first crush, am I hearing right that this is a past, not present, crush, and now your best friend? Because in my (limited) experience, people are usually just pretty chuffed to hear someone once had a crush on them, actually. Seeing as how she's queer, and she was your first same-sex crush (whether or not that's your first crush overall), I think she'd be really chuffed, actually. Do you feel like she's someone who, for example, is able to take compliments well, or doesn't seek to make people feel embarrassed?

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Kawani3792
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Not really shaming about menstruation, just how I chose to deal with it. He doesn't do well with stuff that deviates from ordinary (whatever ordinary happens to be) so he's actually decent, he'll go buy tampons or pads if me or mom need them, he's the decent guy that goes for the pain meds at 2am when the cramps are killing me. But when I showed him the cup fresh out of the box, he starts going "And you're going to...put that...there...and...ew! And you're going to use it again...and...just yuck...I think you're going to change your mind...how much did you pay for that thing anyway...40 bucks???...you're nuts" basically.

Right...he's basically a big kid, and I'm a little iffy on telling him anything that will give him something to pick on me about.

No, it started about 4 years ago...I still have a crush on her, it's just not much of a big thing because...well, she's 1500 miles away and I haven't seen her in two years. And she was my best friend first...her mom and my mom knew each other from when they were in their 20s (my mom and this woman's husband served in the military together) and when the husband was long gone (they split up) and the woman had nowhere to go, her and her three children moved to my town to live in our trailer. This girl was twelve when I met her, and I was ten, and she was pretty awesome-I considered her my best friend by the time I was about twelve, I could tell her anything and she would listen, and not be annoyed or call me a kid or anything. The crush developed later on. And yeah, she was honestly pretty much my first crush overall. Until that point the extent of my crushes went "hey, do you wanna go see a movie?" with a boy, and all I considered it was just hanging out with a friend, but when this girl gave us a going-away thing (she sent my brother and her brother to one movie, my parents to another, and I went with her and some of her friends to a third movie) I just remember wishing it was a date. Didn't help that her boyfriend was there watching the movie with us, either.
Yeah, she tends to be great about not making anyone embarrassed...I mean, she walked in on me reading an "adult novel" type book and sat down and started talking about what a great book it was, because she had found it on the floor and read it too. She never did tell my mom.

TL;DR
Nope, she was my best friend first, then my crush, and it's a present crush, and she was the first person I had any sort of romantic feelings for, even though at that time my concept of romantic was holding hands while watching a movie. I think she'd be ok, honestly-a good part of it is just that I'm so far away and a few things I don't like saying long distance, those include break-ups, asking-outs, and "I have a fairly major crush on you and have been hoping for some kind of closure for a couple years".

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