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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » A bit confused...

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Author Topic: A bit confused...
samara98
Neophyte
Member # 47308

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First I just want to apologise for posting another thread of practically the same topic! But I just want to clear something up and don't know who else/how to ask. Also thank you so much for this website, because it's been really comforting to see that other people feel the way I do...

Well, I just wanted to ask, how do you usually identify that you're bi? Because my thinking that I'm bi came out of a mild anxiety/depression phase where I suddenly became obsessed with the topic of being bi, and now keep analysing and thinking about it. It didn't come out of liking a girl. Now that this topic is stuck in my head, whenever I see an attractive woman on TV/magazine/even real life I automatically think: "Do I find her attractive? Maybe I do! Oh my God, I think I do! Oh no...but, oh wait, I actually don't." I know that, if I wasn't making myself so worried and if I wasn't in this weird phase I wouldn't even think of it. In fact it kind of started off because a girl made rumours that I was a lesbian, which then planted ideas in my head, and then I confessed to my parents that I'd watched lesbian porn (long story) - and they were supportive and said that I was a teenager, it was normal, and that sex didn't define your orientation.
So, basically, I just want to know: is my wondering about my sexuality the "normal" way of finding that you're bi? Or am I just obsessively worrying as a result of this anxiety phase I'm going through, and it actually has nothing to do with being bi? I've always, always been strongly attracted to boys, never girls.
Thank you in advance.

Posts: 11 | From: London | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It sounds to me like you're thinking about the label, and the orientation intellectually, rather than coming to your own orientation based on your feelings and experiences.

For sure, I think with orientation becoming more and more on people's radar, plenty of folks are trying to do what you are, but I don't think that's the soundest approach, since orientation is about our feelings and comes from our feelings, not the other way round. [Smile]

Figuring out what your orientation is in an authentic way involves just paying attention to your feelings. In other words, we have the feelings first and then, if we choose to, classify those feelings with a word that describes that orientation best to us. Who do you observe, in passing and via the history of your life, you have strong romantic and sexual feelings for in terms of gender?

It sounds to me like you're saying you have only had those feelings for male-gendered people. If so, then as of now, it seems lost likely you are probably heterosexual.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
samara98
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Member # 47308

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Thank you so much for the quick response - I think you're right and I can think more clearly about it now [Smile] I've pretty much been obsessing over nothing...
Posts: 11 | From: London | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It might hep to remind yourself that ALL of our orientations are okay. Often when people get really obsessed like this, it's about internalized biphobia or homophobia, which isn't good for anyone, including straight people. [Smile]

So, if you check in with yourself and maybe so a little self-reassuring that if it turned out you WERE bisexual or lesbian, that'd be just as okay as if you are not, just as much a part of who you are as being straight, it might be a lot easier to let go of this.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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