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confused2010
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Hi, firstly I would like to congratulate the people who manage this website because it is certainly a very informative website for everyone. I have a situation here and would appreciate any advice or opinion.

I'm a 21 year old female and I have a female best friend. Actually, best friend may not be the best term to describe our relationship. We're kind of closer than best friends but I'm not refering us as lesbians. I'm sure that both of us are not lesbians because she has a boyfriend currently and I'm certainly interested in guys too.

I say we're closer than best friends because we've done many things that I think normal friends wouldn't do. For example, we've been sleeping together on the same bed everyday for more than a year now eventhough there's a bed for each of us. Everynight we hug each other tightly before sleeping and often drift into sleep in each other's arms. We're also constantly kissing each other, at first it was just pecking the cheek, then the lips, and now we're even kissing passionately and enjoying every moment of it. By kissing I don't mean just kissing for a minute or two, but actually kissing and fondling each other for quite a long time. I have to say that I realy enjoy and long to kiss her. Sometimes I even have the urge to kiss her all the time. I've asked her about this and she says that after the first time kissing she wants to do it all the time too. Recently, we've been daring each other to attempt new things such as touching each others' breasts. After mustering my courage to touch hers for the first time, now I constantly have the urge to touch her breasts and also her touching mine. I enjoy it very much when she massages my breasts and squeezes them sometimes. I even request her to hold my breast when she hugs me from behind on bed during bedtime. I find it very warm and comforting to have someone holding my breasts.

I know that these actions may not be uncommon between friends in the western world but I'm actually an Asian and these actions certainly do not happen between friends in my culture. I assume that my behavior is caused by my need to be cared by someone in an intimate way as I've never had a boyfriend before. And it's also a way for me to satisfy my curiousity about how it feels when doing something intimate. I'm afraid that these are just the excuses that I'm giving myself to do this kind of actions. Can anyone tell me whether is everything we're doing normal between best friends or is there really something wrong with me? What are the reasons we're doing this?

Appreciate any comment or advice. Thanks!!

Posts: 6 | From: Asia | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It sounds to me like the reason you two are doing this is that you have sexual feelings for one another, and also obviously, via your close friendship, feelings of love for each other.

I don't think this is probably about trying to fill a void or about finding out how it might feel to be intimate, since you ARE being intimate. Know what I mean?

Per whether or not this is normal, when people have friendships that are platonic, then sexual activity in them isn't typical, no, not in any region. But some people have friendships which are also sexual partnerships, and not just in the west nor just in recent times. Additionally, it's not at all atypical for young people new to their sexuality of all genders to explore that with same-sex friends, whether they're lesbian/gay, straight or bisexual. That's also not historically new, either. And I can assure you you are not the only people in Asia or your culture to ever be in this situation. [Smile]

It sounds like she feels okay about this. Do you feel okay about it? Because ultimately, whether or not it's okay comes down to whether or not two two of you feel okay about it. Have you talked about it together beyond what feels good physically? For example, have you talked about what you're asking here with her? Have you each checked in and made sure you're okay with sex/making out being part of your friendship?

In her case, is this something that's okay per whatever agreements she has with her boyfriend? Are you having any romantic feelings for her? If so, are you okay with her having a boyfriend?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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confused2010
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Thanks for your quick reply Heather.

We've talked about it for a few times and we both think that what we're doing are only meant to satisfy our curiousity about what it feels to be intimate as both of us have not been involved in a relationship before ( excluding her current relationship). I understand what you mean but after the first time we just seem to want to continue doing it on a continuous basis. I actually have a constant feeling that she is only doing it with me because she knows that I enjoy it and she wants me to be happy. However, she says that she's enjoying it as well. She says as long as we know what we're doing and only as friends then everything is okay.

As for her boyfriend, he certainly doesn't know anything about our actions. I think I only regard our relationship as completely platonic friendship. I am interested in guys but I care alot about her. We love each other as friends and can't live without each other.

Are the things we're doing considered as sexual?

Thanks for your advice.

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Heather
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Well, it's not a platonic friendship. Platonic means there is not any kind of sexual desire or activity going on, which there clearly is.

Are these things sexual? Well, if you two are doing them because you feel the sexual desire to do so (other than, say, only an emotional desire or out of feelings of obligation) and are doing them because they feel sexually good to you, yes. And it sounds like both are the case.

I think it's worth asking yourselves this: if either of you were another gender, would you say you're doing what you are "only to satisfy curiosity?" Mind, you could be, whether you were both girls or one of you was a guy, too, but it's kind of sounding to me like you might be saying it's only about general curiosity ONLY because of your genders.

Here's the thing: I think it's probably most helpful for you to consider if you're okay with this no matter WHAT it is. Whether it's general curiosity (in which case she could be anyone at all, really), or specific curiosity (about her, and the feelings you two share, specifically) or something else, even if you can't know now for sure what it is about, are you both okay with it?

I do want to also put out there that her not being honest with her boyfriend about this could turn into a recipe for disaster. If he finds out after the fact, including from her, he might be pretty upset she didn't negotiate this with him if they have an agreement to be exclusive. In his upset, he might very well tell other people about the two of you: that's not an unusual way for someone in that position to respond. Are both of you prepared to handle that kind of fallout?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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confused2010
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Honestly I've never thought that what we're doing are considered sexual because the furthest extent that we've gone is only kissing and fondling but the way you've put it has knocked some sense into me. And I'm starting to get worried because these sexual things don't happen among friends!!

I understand that satisfying curiousity should mean trying out something new for only once or twice, but our continuous actions are becoming habits because it is enjoyable to us. Our heart beats evidently increase during kissing and what does this mean? Can people be addicted to doing something if it feels really good for them? Is it healthy physically and emotionally to become addicted to making out with your best friend?

Refering to your question Heather, if either one of us were another gender, what we're doing will clearly not be only satisfying curiousity but actual couple intimate behaviours. Does this mean that now we're assuming each other as the opposite gender and make out to satisfy our lust and desire?

I've mentioned before that I seem to be the one who realy enjoys doing these things more than her and she seems to be doing it just to make me happy. I'm saying this because when I asked her about her feelings when making out she said that she doesn't really feel anything from our actions whereas I feel alot of pleasure and excitement. Am I "using" my best friend as a person to satisfy my lust and desire?

If we are both okay with making out as part of our friendship, should we continue with it or should we just restrain ourselves?

And on your advice that she should be honest with her boyfriend, how can she tell him that she makes out with her best friend? That would scare the hell out of him wouldn't it?

I really appreciate your advice and thanks alot!

[ 05-27-2010, 01:35 AM: Message edited by: confused2010 ]

Posts: 6 | From: Asia | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
confused2010
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p/s : Heather, can I suggest moving this topic to "orientation and identity" as I think it would be more appropriate there. Thanks!

[ 05-27-2010, 03:13 AM: Message edited by: confused2010 ]

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Heather
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quote:
I'm starting to get worried because these sexual things don't happen among friends!!
Like I told you, this DOES happen sometimes between friends. You seem to want to hold on to the idea it doesn't, but I assure you, it does. Sometimes friendships shift into sexual or romantic relationships, just like sometimes sexual or romantic relationships shift into friendships.

"Sex addiction" is something pretty solidly contested by most sexologists. Addiction is a model that's about external chemicals, not about interpersonal feelings or relationships or sex. certainly, some people have troubles with compulsive or obsessive sexual behavior, but since you say these are things you WANT to do and choose to do, I don't hear any of that in what you are saying.

I don't think either of you are "assuming one of you is another gender." You are aware that some people are heterosexual, others bisexual, others homosexual, yes? In other words, lots of people have sexual or romantic feelings for people who are not the opposite-gender, and those feelings are real, not about playing pretend or projecting ideas of a different gender unto someone.

Now, if you really think or she says this is just about making you happy, then no, that's not a healthy interpersonal or sexual dynamic. So, I'd check in ith her and ask if she shares these desires in earnest and wants, out of her own sexual feelings, to do these things with you. If not, then no, it'd not be sound to keep doing this, because in healthy relationships, sexual activity is about mutual desires.

I don't know what would or wouldn't scare her boyfriend. I just know that if she's being dishonest and breaking any agreements about sexual exclusivity, this could go very badly for everyone.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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confused2010
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I realy have to thank you for your advices.

I've discussed this with her once again and even more openly this time and she assured me that she certainly enjoys and shares the same desires as me. But its only that my desires seem to be greater than hers most of the time with mostly me initiating the intimate behaviors.

I'm sorry if I'm being annoying here but I have another question here. Now that the both of us are okay and enjoying these behaviors together, are we considered as sexual partners apart from being best friends? Will this affect our relationship in the long term? And will my sexual orientation tend to change towards homosexual with the continuity of these intimate sessions with a person of the same gender?

Thanks alot for your help.

Posts: 6 | From: Asia | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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