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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » I love gay boys. . . a little too much

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Author Topic: I love gay boys. . . a little too much
pantokrator
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I have a problem. Throughout my life, I have very frequently dated or been attracted to men who turn out to be gay. Usually, they're already fairly certain that they're gay and they date me or have sex with me to experiment. This has happened to me about four or five times. It's not like I have no "gay-dar". It is usually fairly obvious to me that these guys are gay. I just happen to be attracted to that and that's a problem. I've always been drawn to guys who are more effeminate and I find "flamboyant" behavior to be a huge turn-on. I know that if I carry on this way I'm just going to get hurt. Is there any way to prevent myself from being attracted to men who are clearly gay? I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You (or anyone else) can't stop being attracted to whom you're attracted.

But what you can do is not date people who are unavailable to you, or who don't want what you want.

So, are you asking about someone's orientation before you get involved? If you want more than casual sex -- which it sounds like you do -- are you making that clear to people before you sleep with them?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pantokrator
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I do want more than casual sex. But basically what I'm wondering is if there's any non-awkward, un-offensive way to find out if someone's sexual orientation includes me before I get too involved.
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pantokrator
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I dunno, I guess because I consider myself straight I've never felt like I had to ask a guy what his orientation is. I think I need to start doing that. I'm sure there have to be some effeminate/flamboyant/gender-bendy straight men out there.
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Heather
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I'm not sure I get what your orientation has to do with anyone else's in this regard. If you're straight, that means you're solely or primarily attracted to men... not to straight people. So, just because you, as a straight person, are attracted to someone doesn't mean they're going to be straight, too. Know what I mean?

Life is often awkward, and sex most certainly is. If we're trying to avoid things being awkward, seeking out sex is seriously counter to that purpose.

It's okay to ask awkward questions of people, especially if you're about to get intimate. I don't think there's anything offensive about asking someone what their orientation is when you're getting involved with the,, and if someone is offended, I think that's not because the question wasn't okay, but is probably because they have baggage around their orientation or gender identity they need to work out, which is their issue to manage, not yours.

For sure, there are absolutely straight or bisexual men out there who are androgynous or what I sense you'd consider more feminine. There are also a lot of gay men who would NOT meet those criteria.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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