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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Shouls I come out to everyone?

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Author Topic: Shouls I come out to everyone?
MickyDomino
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You see I have been sure about my sexual orientation since I was twelve. I have tolad my friends and they're okay with it ALL of them. I told my cousin and my mom, and she is cool about it.

You see when I found out, I tried telling my parents first, adn I cam to find out that my mom was going through depression and my dad couldn't even look at me, he treated me like I didn;t even exist. Now that I've told all of these people, and I am in danger of losing my comp over this site alone I am just wondering, should I come out to everyone?

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Harvey Milk is my hero.

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Ecofem
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Hi Micky, welcome to Scarleteen! [Smile]

I'm so glad to hear you're feeling so confident about who you are, and I'm sorry that your parents aren't being supportive of that!

You should stick to what feels comfortable to you: if you want to come out to friends, then do it. If you don't want to, then there's no need to. Is there a close friend you feel you can trust who'd you'd like to tell?

We are glad you're here, but we also don't want you to get in trouble or lose your computer!

Here are some articles for you:
Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out
The Making of a Homo

[Smile]

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MickyDomino
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quote:
Originally posted by Ecofem:
Hi Micky, welcome to Scarleteen! [Smile]

I'm so glad to hear you're feeling so confident about who you are, and I'm sorry that your parents aren't being supportive of that!

You should stick to what feels comfortable to you: if you want to come out to friends, then do it. If you don't want to, then there's no need to. Is there a close friend you feel you can trust who'd you'd like to tell?

We are glad you're here, but we also don't want you to get in trouble or lose your computer!

Here are some articles for you:
Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out
The Making of a Homo

[Smile]

Well, I have read thos,e and from what I see I have no problem with homphones. The only thing I am truly scared ofis how my father would react, you see my dad is very traditional. So my mom says I should wait until Im eighteen, but I dont want to have to wait four years and hide who I am so, I am debating whether I should tell him. From what I read in those two articles, I have no idea how to deal with a dad who hates you after youre done.

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Harvey Milk is my hero.

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Ecofem
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Hello again! Well, if you're scared of how your dad will react and think he will in an extreme way, there's a lot to say about waiting a bit to tell him. You don't have to wait four years but I might consider waiting at least a few weeks or months if you feel you're not yet ready to deal with such a negative reaction. I'm really sorry about that-- you really deserve to be accepted 100% for who you are. Some people who are closed-minded will change their minds with time and grow to accept their loves ones; unfortunately, some people remain bigots. I'd hope that your dad would change his mind with time but I can't say for sure.

Is there any specific reason why he's so homophobic? We may be able to give you some links you could share with him-- if not right now, then maybe someday.

Again, I'm glad your mom and aunt are accepting, and I'm so happy to hear that you'd be comfortable being out at school! [Smile]

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Ecofem
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[Hey MickeyDomino, I'm going to bed now but I'll check back in tomorrow and another person may reply even sooner. [Smile] ]
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Ecofem
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Hello again! You are around this evening, MickeyDomino? If you want to talk about this some more tonight, I'll be in and out. [Smile]
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MickyDomino
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quote:
Originally posted by Ecofem:
Hello again! You are around this evening, MickeyDomino? If you want to talk about this some more tonight, I'll be in and out. [Smile]

Thanks, I was just thinking about this guy that I liked I posted a question about him on SEXperts but I think ill just ask it here.

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Harvey Milk is my hero.

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Ecofem
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Hi there! Yes, go for it! We'd be glad to help. [Smile]
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MickyDomino
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quote:
Originally posted by Ecofem:
Hi there! Yes, go for it! We'd be glad to help. [Smile]

Well, I have a best friend and when I told him about me, he said he didnt care so we joked around a lot, like I would hit onhim and the would act like I was really hot. Then we started to get really into it, and then something made me think that he wasn't lying, and I have this feeling about him and so do all m firends, so I can't help but ask if he is bi, gay, or straight and when I ask him he gets really defensive about which makes me a little bit more defensive. Ireally like him, and I just dont know what to do.

--------------------
Harvey Milk is my hero.

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Ecofem
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I'm glad you can talk so openly about your orientation with this best friend! [Smile] Because you're so close, I think it's fine for you to have asked about his sexual orientation, but because he's clearly stated that he doesn't feel comfortable discussing it, it's important that you respect that boundary. It sounds like he may not be sure but it's important, like it said in one of those articles above, that you aren't unintentionally trying to "out" him: it's cool for you to want to tell others about your sexual orientation, but it's up to him to decide what he does or doesn't want to share, whether he's straight, gay, bisexual, questioning, etc. I hear that you like it and I understand how it can be frustrating! Have you ever just told him you liked him? People who ID as straight are not into all people of the opposite sex or gender (or necessarily ONLY interested in that gender all of the time) and the same can be said for people who ID as queer. The bottom line is person-to-person attraction. So, I say stop beating around the bush and just express your personal interest in him: if he says he feels similarly, then great! If he says he's not interested or not ready, then it's too bad but then you work to respect that as his caring and considerate friend. [Smile]
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MickyDomino
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quote:
Originally posted by Ecofem:
I'm glad you can talk so openly about your orientation with this best friend! [Smile] Because you're so close, I think it's fine for you to have asked about his sexual orientation, but because he's clearly stated that he doesn't feel comfortable discussing it, it's important that you respect that boundary. It sounds like he may not be sure but it's important, like it said in one of those articles above, that you aren't unintentionally trying to "out" him: it's cool for you to want to tell others about your sexual orientation, but it's up to him to decide what he does or doesn't want to share, whether he's straight, gay, bisexual, questioning, etc. I hear that you like it and I understand how it can be frustrating! Have you ever just told him you liked him? People who ID as straight are not into all people of the opposite sex or gender (or necessarily ONLY interested in that gender all of the time) and the same can be said for people who ID as queer. The bottom line is person-to-person attraction. So, I say stop beating around the bush and just express your personal interest in him: if he says he feels similarly, then great! If he says he's not interested or not ready, then it's too bad but then you work to respect that as his caring and considerate friend. [Smile]

I did tell him I liked him, then he always used to say that he liked me. At one point he even called me his boyfriend while we were talking on Skype, and then the next morning he sai he was lying, and I dont think he would pull something like that, what I think it is is that he was afraid...but I could be worng, thats why I am unsure how to continue with him. I would just ask him straight up but I dont want to pressure him! AHHH! IM SO CONFUSED!!!

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Harvey Milk is my hero.

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Ecofem
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Hey there! He sounds either confused or not so confident about all this: I'd guess he doesn't mean to hurt you but also wants to "protect" his own sense of well-being, if you know what I mean? He may be afraid but we really can't know: it sounds like you two have had ample chances to talk about it and he's let you know that he's not comfortable continuing to. I'd suggest you just tell him that you understand he's not interested right now, that you respect that, and that you two can take a break from such discussions for now BUT that you'd be always be ready and willing to talk about this again, IF and when he's interested. And then you work to stick to it. [Smile]

I can understand how it's confusing but trying to read "signs," hoping for more when he's said he's not ready, and what not could really lead to some heartbreak. If you give him some space and try to lower your expectations/hopes of having a romantic and/or sexual relationship with him, I think it'll make it easier for the two of you, whatever may happen in the future. Here's a thread from another user who's in a somewhat similar situation right now if you want to see what it looks like from the outside, which is really hard, unfortunately.

Is there anyone else you're interested in right now?

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MickyDomino
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quote:
Originally posted by Ecofem:
Hey there! He sounds either confused or not so confident about all this: I'd guess he doesn't mean to hurt you but also wants to "protect" his own sense of well-being, if you know what I mean? He may be afraid but we really can't know: it sounds like you two have had ample chances to talk about it and he's let you know that he's not comfortable continuing to. I'd suggest you just tell him that you understand he's not interested right now, that you respect that, and that you two can take a break from such discussions for now BUT that you'd be always be ready and willing to talk about this again, IF and when he's interested. And then you work to stick to it. [Smile]

I can understand how it's confusing but trying to read "signs," hoping for more when he's said he's not ready, and what not could really lead to some heartbreak. If you give him some space and try to lower your expectations/hopes of having a romantic and/or sexual relationship with him, I think it'll make it easier for the two of you, whatever may happen in the future. Here's a thread from another user who's in a somewhat similar situation right now if you want to see what it looks like from the outside, which is really hard, unfortunately.

Is there anyone else you're interested in right now?

Yeha, but they are All straight,there arent that many gay people at my school. mY FRIEND WAS THE ONLY ONE CLOSE ENOUGH (Sorry for caps). So im pretty much stuck. If someone was gay I still woudlnt know how to ask them out...

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Harvey Milk is my hero.

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MickyDomino
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quote:
Originally posted by Ecofem:
Hey there! He sounds either confused or not so confident about all this: I'd guess he doesn't mean to hurt you but also wants to "protect" his own sense of well-being, if you know what I mean? He may be afraid but we really can't know: it sounds like you two have had ample chances to talk about it and he's let you know that he's not comfortable continuing to. I'd suggest you just tell him that you understand he's not interested right now, that you respect that, and that you two can take a break from such discussions for now BUT that you'd be always be ready and willing to talk about this again, IF and when he's interested. And then you work to stick to it. [Smile]

I can understand how it's confusing but trying to read "signs," hoping for more when he's said he's not ready, and what not could really lead to some heartbreak. If you give him some space and try to lower your expectations/hopes of having a romantic and/or sexual relationship with him, I think it'll make it easier for the two of you, whatever may happen in the future. Here's a thread from another user who's in a somewhat similar situation right now if you want to see what it looks like from the outside, which is really hard, unfortunately.

Is there anyone else you're interested in right now?

He is in the exact sam position I am in. My friend and I barely talked when we first met and now we are the best of friends. He and I were inserperable and he asked me to do everything with and for him. We teased each other when he found out I was gay. He told me he was ga, and I aksed if I could kiss and he said he wasnt ready,and then told me he was straight the next day. My friend also isnt very good with girls and is cureently dating tis on gurl whi is causing him so much stress. Its wierd I am in a mroe child-like version of htman.

--------------------
Harvey Milk is my hero.

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Ecofem
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Hey! Well, I think there probably are quite a few queer people at your school, although there may not be many who are out. [Wink] With time, especially if you're out, more people may come forward if privately to come out to you.

I think the bottom line with this friend is, regardless of his orientation or interest in you or what have you, he's just not ready to date you or make any big statements about his sexual orientation. And I hear how it's frustrating but you really *must* respect his boundaries rather than second-guessing him or hoping he'll change his mind because it could ruin your friendship and any chances of anything more than friendship in the future. It sounds like he just really could use a friend he can trust right now. Do you feel you can do that without any hidden intentions of wanting a relationship with him? If not, maybe it'd be best to take a break from hanging out to give you two some space. (And I wouldn't call you "child-like" at all! We're all learning. [Smile] )

What about sharing these links with your friend?
The Bees and...the Bees: A Homosexuality and Bisexuality Primer
Bi the Dozen: A Bisexuality Quiz
Living without Labels

What about looking for LGBT support and people outside of your school? PFLAG is a great place to start: you can put in your zip to find the one nearest to you.
http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=803

[Smile]

[ 02-28-2010, 11:43 AM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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MickyDomino
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quote:
Originally posted by Ecofem:
Hey! Well, I think there probably are quite a few queer people at your school, although there may not be many who are out. [Wink] With time, especially if you're out, more people may come forward if privately to come out to you.

I think the bottom line with this friend is, regardless of his orientation or interest in you or what have you, he's just not ready to date you or make any big statements about his sexual orientation. And I hear how it's frustrating but you really *must* respect his boundaries rather than second-guessing him or hoping he'll change his mind because it could ruin your friendship and any chances of anything more than friendship in the future. It sounds like he just really could use a friend he can trust right now. Do you feel you can do that without any hidden intentions of wanting a relationship with him? If not, maybe it'd be best to take a break from hanging out to give you two some space. (And I wouldn't call you "child-like" at all! We're all learning. [Smile] )

What about sharing these links with your friend?
The Bees and...the Bees: A Homosexuality and Bisexuality Primer
Bi the Dozen: A Bisexuality Quiz
Living without Labels

What about looking for LGBT support and people outside of your school? PFLAG is a great place to start: you can put in your zip to find the one nearest to you.
http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=803

[Smile]

Thank you so much for all your help. I think I know what to do, and thanks for the link, Ill post something again when I have more questions. Again thank you so much.

--------------------
Harvey Milk is my hero.

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MickyDomino
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Okay, I need some definate advice. I am still debating about coming out at school, because it is like not that I'm scared, but its like taking a huge step, and people will treat me differently, but now Im starting to just not care who finds out anymore. Should I do it, should I not? Please help me!

--------------------
Harvey Milk is my hero.

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Heather
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Let's try this: what do you want in this?

In other words, what do you see as the benefits for you in coming out right now?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MickyDomino
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Let's try this: what do you want in this?

In other words, what do you see as the benefits for you in coming out right now?

What I see is finally being able to be myself and not acting like a small little anti-socail kid. I want to be able to be proud of what I am and not hide it.

--------------------
Harvey Milk is my hero.

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Heather
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Okay.

Can you start by identifying one or two people you can come out to who you think will support you in those aims?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MickyDomino
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Okay.

Can you start by identifying one or two people you can come out to who you think will support you in those aims?

Actually my two best friends are supporting me and helping me.

--------------------
Harvey Milk is my hero.

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Heather
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Fantastic!

So, what I suggest to people just coming out who have come out to a couple people who are supportive already is to think of it like expanding that circle of support gradually. So, who are the next couple of people you can think of outside those two friends who will probably be supportive and accepting if you come out to them?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ecofem
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[MickyDomino, I see you and Heather are talking but I just wanted to come by and say a quick hi before I head out for the night. Good luck with all this! [Smile] ]
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MickyDomino
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That would probably be my mom and my cousin. They are really open minded. Other than that all I can think about is my bisexual friend who hasnt come out yet.

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Harvey Milk is my hero.

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Heather
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Great! So, how about coming out to those people as a next step, then see how that feels?

When you take gradual steps like this and build up a support system, it actually gets a lot less scary to be out overall. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MickyDomino
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Thank so much Heather! This really helped!

--------------------
Harvey Milk is my hero.

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Heather
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Glad to hear it. [Big Grin] I hope everything goes well with your Mom, your cousin, and your other friend.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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