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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » confused but not about orientation

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Author Topic: confused but not about orientation
Skate_JC
Neophyte
Member # 45589

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ill start off by saying i know in my gut i am straight, the problem i seem to be having does make me wonder on occasion but when i really brake it down there's nothing to question.

basically what it seems to boil down to is i get sexually aroused but my 'head' doesn't seem to be in it. by this i mean i get an erection etc but my mind often wanders, and it isnt truly at the task at hand. this just seems strange to me, i will be with a girl that i am genuinely attracted to and (usualy, by this point) have fantasized about, yet when i actually get to be with her (making out or other) my mind just doesn't seem to stay on point, and instead goes off wondering. it may be to do with the fact that my first sexual experiences weren't amazing in that i failed to get or maintain an erection (for a good 2 months) and even though i did manage to have sex in the end im still not truly confident about it all.

when i was with the girl that i encountered those problems she mentioned that she didn't feel there was much passion. now no doubt in part that was due to the lack of erection haha, but also i think it was about how my head was never entirely in the zone. since that girl whenever i make out with a girl my mind wonders and often now seems to go into a state where i worry about what im doing.

i think this whole problem is most likely tied to my lack of confidence and its most likely a vicious circle: the more i worry the fruther my mind drifts which makes me worry more etc. however on the flip side a girl i was with recently, when making out would trail her fingers along my belt line and it was such a tease i could scream. i say this not too brag or anything but too say at that point i was entirely in the moment.

so yeah any advice would be great [Smile]

Posts: 2 | From: Australia | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Skate: some of what I'm hearing in this is the suggestion that in the past, there may not have been a whole lot of sexual chemistry between you and your partners, something the partner who said she didn't feel passion may have been expressing.

With this latest partner, it seems you may actually have had some chemistry.

How do you feel about that? Do you feel like, in the past, you and your partners have had a lot of chemistry both of you felt or not?

But by all means, if during making out or sex you're focused mostly on erection, that can also be an issue. If we're focused on bodily function, instead of being in the moment with both our whole bodies, that's a pretty huge distraction. As well, if you don't feel some level of self-confidence, that can also impede sexual enjoyment and function.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Skate_JC
Neophyte
Member # 45589

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sorry about the late reply, i lost my password haha

well with the girlfriend that i mentioned before (who said she didnt feel passion) i did feel there was sexual chemistry, i was certainly very sexualy attracted to her and as i got more comfortable this came more to the fore front. howver i still would find my mind wondering for no apparent reason.

ive been thinking on this more and i think it really is because of my lack of confidence. with girls ive been with recently ive found my mind wondering less, though it still does on occasion.

for instance with the girl i am now currently seeing i feel a great level of sexual attraction to her and its become much less frequent that my mind wonders.

i guess my question now is how do i go about getting over my lack of confidence in the bedroom? because while it is getting better i still hesitate before i move anywhere beyond making out, despite having done it before and feeling relatively sure in myself i just feel reluctant to cross that hurdle, despite the base urge i feel to do so. to clarify i haven't actually done so with any girl since my now ex-girl friend, despite the opportunity arising with at least 2 girls (since the ex).
(also i realize this has now moved into a somewhat different area so if this thread is in the wrong section now i apologise)

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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In terms of your feeling unconfident, how about just taking it slow?

In other words, might you simply need to give yourself time in a relationship to go step by step, building your confidence with a partner as you go? It's pretty typical for people to find that's what they need.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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