I'm a 20 year old female, and I identify as queer. I was talking to my only other queer friend about how we first knew that we weren't straight, and she said she always had feelings for other girls, and for a long time thought she was asexual, but has since found that to be untrue. I told her that the first real moment I knew was when I acknowledged a crush I had on my best girl friend.
I know there's no points-system, no competition and that I shouldn't let another person's story belittle my own, but I can't help but feel less validated in my feelings for women, even though I can remember moments throughout my adolescence, and even childhood, where I was attracted to other girls.
I just didn't tell her that, and I feel like she thinks less of me for it. I don't want responses saying that she's a bad friend or that I should forget people like that. That's not the case at all. I know I'm full of awkward, and that I shouldn't worry about how legit my friend thinks I am.
I guess I just need someone to tell me to lay off the wierdness and not worry about what she, or anyone else would think about the way my identity was solidified in my mind.
I'm also wondering about how others in the community shaped their identities, if it was an aha! moment, or if it was a slow process, and if that has anything to do with anything now.
Just from what you've written here, it sounds like your friend was perhaps trying to share her own experience rather than to belittle or lessen your experience.
My opinion is that even if you realised five seconds ago that you're queer, it's your right to identify as you want. It doesn't make you any more or less queer than anyone else. I think it helped me to talk to some older gay people about their coming out. Some women were in relationships with men for more than 20 years, before coming out as lesbians. Some waited until they were retired or until they had grandchildren. I really respect people who can acknowledge and talk about their sexuality, at whatever time in their lives.
-------------------- "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."
Your identity can change constantly throughout your life. Many people identities shape over time and many people still don't know what the heck they are!
Everyone shapes their identities differently as we all have different experiences in life. So you are definitely not alone in not knowing your identity fully or how it came about. Do not let other peoples judgments you in how you formed your current identity bother you. As I am sure some of them are having the exact same questions!
Be yourself and the rest will come easy as they say.
Posts: 6 | From: Bloomington, Indiana | Registered: Dec 2009
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Jabberwocky, I know where you are coming from, this is very similar to how I figured it out (not to say I am all that sure of myself). Just because she always knew does not make your being queer any less just or real.
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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