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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Sex drive vs. orientation?

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Author Topic: Sex drive vs. orientation?
Member # 44649

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There's a few issues here and a lot of stuff going on in my head so I apologize if this is long. Also, I realize and understand that no one can really say or decide anything about the situation and that only I can do that, but I just really needed to get it out.

I have been in a relationship -- my first and only relationship -- with a really wonderful guy for the past 3 years. We were very close friends even before that and it is safe to say that he is my heart and soul and I love him with everything that I have.

Soo ... I have no sex drive, or at least it appears that way. I never get "horny" with him; I've never experienced that "I want to rip my clothes off and be with you right now" feeling that all of my friends have with other people ... I get absolutely nothing from anything that we do sexually. I enjoy it because he enjoys it, and I really do love him and want to make him happy. That sounds terrible to say. I have toyed with the idea for a while as to whether I am sexually attracted to him, and the honest answer is that I don't know.

I find him very handsome and attractive and I feel completely comfortable around him.

Enter into the picture this new girl that I have met. We've hit it off, wonderfully, get along really well and personally I feel like we've known each other forever even though it hasn't been nearly that long. It's safe to say that even before I found out she was a lesbian that I had sort of a "girl crush" on her ...

And now I don't know.
I find myself more and more attracted to her, although at the same time it doesn't seem overtly sexual either.
Do I imagine myself having sex with her? No, not really ...

Anyways, sorry this is so long.
What I'm wondering if it is possible (common?) for girls my age (18)to not have a sex drive.
With everything else going on, am I mistaking the fact that I don't have sex drive for wondering if the fact my boyfriend is a GUY for the reason that I don't have a sex drive.

This probably doesn't make any sense.
Sorry. [Frown]

There's a crack in everything; that's how the light gets in.

Posts: 1 | From: Ontario | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Most adult and young adult people have sexual desires to be with sexual partners. Not everyone, but most.

And you seem to express feeling attracted to this girl: do you feel attracted to your boyfriend?

It's worth saying that just because we love someone doesn't mean we'll be sexually attracted to them or have sexual chemistry with them. In other words, it may be that you're trying to have a sexual relationship with someone with whom...well, that's just not the right relationship for you because those feelings aren't there for that person.

Can I ask if you experience sexual desire all by yourself? In other words, if fantasy when you're alone or anything else makes you feel aroused?

Lastly, I really wouldn't advise continuing to be sexual with someone who you aren't feeling it with. That can actually do a real whammy on your libido, your relationship and your sense of self, and if you're having sex just for someone else, or out of obligation, it's just not likely to be sexually healthy for you.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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