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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Am i bisexual? Does my spouse suspect it?

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Author Topic: Am i bisexual? Does my spouse suspect it?
greenthumb95
Neophyte
Member # 86375

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so I have always been a very straight man. I love women, and I am married. 6 years ago, a year before i met my wife, i noticed that when i saw a mans penis..i became very sexually aroused. i began having intense and frequent sexual fantasies of giving a hot guy oral sex and getting anal. the fantasies are so intense that i simulate the acts with sex toys. anyways, girls i have dated have confronted me about my orientation, and men hit on me. the catch in all this is..i have no desire at the current time to date a guy. honestly, my confusion is at an all time high, and i dont know how to handle it.

lot of it is curiosity. wondering if its for me. the weird thing too is how many female friends of mine have confronted me about it. my wife has made comments when shes wasted that make me think she suspects something, and then there was the whole craigslist thing

she caught me looking at the casual encounters on craigslist once. like, i searched for bi couples. shes like, why were you on there? at first i denied it, then shes like dont lie to me..its not that a big of a deal. you arent gay are you? i said no, then shes like..its not that big of a deal. she had seen the browsing history.

HELP

Posts: 29 | From: Nebraska | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can I first ask if you feel like it would be okay, were you bisexual, for your spouse to know? In other words, do you feel safe in your marriage and with your spouse were you a bisexual person?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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greenthumb95
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Member # 86375

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If i knew that she would be totally fine with it, then I would have no problem with it. however, i dont know exactly how she would react. i could see her freaking out, or not being suprised at all. its hard to say.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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So, if I get you right, you've noticed some sexual attraction to men for at least the last six years. However, you have no desire at the time to become romantically or sexually involved with men. You also are voicing fears or anxieties about your spouse discovering you do have that interest. Do I have all of that right?

If so, what do you feel like you need right now to feel okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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greenthumb95
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No romantic interest at all, but sexual interest yes. To try two sex acts..getting anal, giving oral. I just want to know if i am into it or not, and not be so confused.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm not sure what you mean by knowing if you're into "it" or not.

Let me explain what I mean by that.

You already know, it seems, that you have sexual feelings for some men. Whether or not you enjoy a certain sexuality activity with a man or not has something to do with that, but it also has a LOT to do with you and whoever that particular individual is AND if you enjoy those sex activities with people of any gender.

So, until or unless you engage in those activities with a given person, you won't know if you are or aren't into them, but only with them. An experience with one man won't tell you how you feel about all mean: it can't do that.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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greenthumb95
Neophyte
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Ok, so I am in a dillemma. Part of me wonders if this is just a fetish, like..seeing as how i have no interest in a romantic relationship with a man at all. However, i do have an interest in the sexual acts with men, but not sure if i could actually follow through if i was given the oppertunity. The other bad thing is i dont think ill ever get the chance to experiment. I mean, if i do..id have to do it behind my spouses back. And i couldnt live with that guilt. The time that my sexual attraction to men gets very intense is while I look at porn. Do you think i am in the closet, or in denial?
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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A fetish is an object -- not a person -- that creates sexual feelings for someone. So, attraction to people of a given gender is not about fetishism.

Noe everyone has committed relationships that are monogamous: some people open their relationships up. So, if ever having another sexual relationship outside your marriage was something you wanted, you would certainly have options besides dishonesty.

Sounds to me, though, like for right now, thinking about enacting your feelings with someone in person is putting the cart before the horse. Seems like you still need more time to go through your questioning process right now, come to some conclusions, and then share them with your partner.

I have to run out to pick up someone at the airport, but what I can do over the next couple days is gather you some links and books to look at, if you like, for someone in the position you're in, a potentially bisexual man in a marriage where you're assumed to be heterosexual and your partner is as well.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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greenthumb95
Neophyte
Member # 86375

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Thanks! I have been thinking, supressing, fighting these urges for over 6 years now. There was an experience I had when i was a senior in high school. I am not sure if it counts, but i will explain.

Basically, I was friends with a guy in high school. One day he told me he liked to dress in womens clothing. I didnt believe him. That same day, we were at his house..and he actually showed me. He put panties on, and needless to say it never covered his entire genital area.

I was in shock, but couldnt stop staring at his penis. He removed the panties, and I began to massage his penis. It stopped there, but he asked if he could penetrate me..but i said no.

Do you think i am bisexual, and just not ready to admit it yet?

Posts: 29 | From: Nebraska | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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