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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Unsure...I think I could be bisexual??

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Author Topic: Unsure...I think I could be bisexual??
48512786
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Member # 87146

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For my entire life I've always thought I was straight. I had a few small crushes on girls but they were mainly just "I think that girl is kinda cute and she's nice" I never had the desire to be intimate with a girl or have a relationship with a girl.

Recently I've gotten to know this girl online and she's beautiful, sweet, nice and I relate to her so much. I've never felt this way about another girl before and it scares me. I've also been having fantasies about being intimate with girls too. (Over the last couple months.)

The thing that complicates all this is that I have a boyfriend. We've been dating for 4 years. I don't know what to do with all these feelings. I'm not sure if I should tell him or not. Part of me wants to just ignore all of this and just continue life the way I always have. I love my boyfriend and I don't want to hurt him. But I can't get these emotions out of my head. I'm afraid if I don't explore them I might regret it later.

I know I might be jumping the gun here but I also worry about what my family would think if I were bisexual. I'm not sure what their thoughts are on it. My mom is okay with lesbians and gay guys but I'm pretty sure if I told her I was bisexual she would just say I'm going through a phase.

I don't know if this matter or not but I'm 18 years old. You can call me Serena.
I'm sorry if my thoughts are all jumbled up, I just had to get all this out. Any support or advice would be appreciated.

Posts: 3 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
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Hi Serena, welcome to Scarleteen!

Sexual orienatation is a very fluid thing. It's actually very rare for someone to be 100% homosexual or hetrosexual their entire lives.

You don't have to come out before you are ready, and especially not before you have worked through your feelings about women for yourself.

By explore, do you mean enter into a relationship with a woman?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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48512786
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Yes that's what I meant. But I'm not sure if I can or if I should, especially since I'm in a relationship. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend would have a bad reaction if I told him I think I'm bisexual.

It feels really comforting reading through this site. Thanks for replying!

Posts: 3 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Well, that sounds like two separate, but unrelated issues to me.

In other words, even if you don't decide to or want to explore sexual or romantic relationships with women, being with a partner who doesn't accept you as you are -- including your orientation -- is going to be a problem for a healthy relationship where you feel loved and accepted.

Obviously, you're questioning right now, and you don't have to know or decide right now if you're bisexual or not. Exploring relationships with a given woman or even a few might answer that question more for you, but it also might not: that really varies.

Can I ask where you get the idea that your boyfriend wouldn't accept it or be positive -- or more still, have a "bad reaction" -- if you are bisexual?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Also, hopefully it's a given that if you and your boyfriend are in a romantically or sexually exclusive relationship, to explore those relationships with someone else, you'd want to fill him in on that and ask for a different agreement.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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48512786
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Right now we are not in an open relationship, so if I wanted to enter a relationship with a girl I would have to tell him.

I guess I don't know why I think he will have a negative reaction. He has a tendency to get jealous and I'm not sure how he feels about bisexuality. He has a few gay friends and is completely accepting of them but this will probably shock him. As far as he knows I'm 100% straight and we've known each other for 5 years and have been dating for 4.

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Heather
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Well, it's much for common for people to figure out what their orientation is in their teens, twenties or beyond than before then. By all means, some people can trace back knowing as young kinds -- be they queer or straight -- but more people learn as they go. So, you thinking you were straight until now -- as most people start doing because our world presents that as the default orientation, and kids tend to be raised with the idea and message they're automatically hetero -- but starting to find out now you might not be isn't a shocker for anyone educated about human sexual development.

But of course, most people aren't very educated about that.

However, if your partner tends to be jealous, you can probably know that an open relationship is not likely to be a workable plan with this person. That doesn't mean you can't talk about that possibility, though, if it's something you decide you might want, or even if you just want to know if he feels like that's an option he'd ever be willing to explore.

How do you feel about being that involved with someone, though, and not being able to at least voice these feelings and questions you're having? That, to me, is a bigger deal than if this relationship can be open or not, especially since first relationships don't tend to be lifelong, but are more often firsts, not onlies.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67958 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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