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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Paranoia of the closet

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Author Topic: Paranoia of the closet
Steel Angel
Member # 41232

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Although I consider myself a hopelessly straight girl inside a male body, I think this is something anyone who doesn't totally conform to society's norms on sexual orientation and/or gender can relate to.

For those of you who are or were in the closet, do or did you get paranoid that your actions, particularly when it comes to referencing people in various ways, send up red flags to those around you about you?

For instance, have you ever watched a movie with friends and really have to consciously act in a certain way in regard to seeing the actions of some characters? I watched a movie with some friends a couple weeks ago and I had to act like I was really into the girls and totally wanted to have sex with some of them, when in reality, I was completely into what a couple of them were wearing, their hair, etc. Moreover, I thought one of the guys in the movie was really hot. But, since these friends I was with were not privy to knowing about my situation, I was self-conscious about everything I said and did, up to who I paid more attention to and subtle comments.

Am I alone in this?

Posts: 13 | From: Somewhere | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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For me, I only really chose to deal with this in junior high. I came out my first year of high school.

And at that time -- especially bearing in mind that was 1981 - 1983 -- I was always incredibly worried about discovery. I know I did a whole lot to pretend to be like everyone else, but then I was doing that around more than one issue (I was also hiding rape and sexual abuse at the time).

I got pretty frustrated with having to act that way pretty fast, which is why by the time I'd been in high school for a while -- especially since I already took a lot of crap for how I looked and dressed, who I hung out with, etc. -- I figured that potentially taking more crap being out beat having to pretend so much, be worried about discovery all the time, and basically having friendships where I was unable to be myself and actually feel that my friends were really my friends, since the person they were friends with was in many ways a fiction.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Steel Angel
Member # 41232

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I guess with me, I figure that I'll be in a far superior financial position and have just general ability to be truly independent in not a very long time. So, I play the game to make sure I don't have disruption on my future plans. Right now, even though I have a significant amount of independence, I still have to rely on my parents for some things, largely money related. A couple years from now, when I've gotten my education all over with and I have a job, I'll just let everything drop like a hammer.

Maybe I'm just too much of a pragmatic person when it comes to this kind of thing. I'd rather it be something I just let everyone know at once (who I intend to have in the know), when I have all my ducks in a row.

Posts: 13 | From: Somewhere | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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