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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » I don't want my lesbian friend to know I'm attracted to girls

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Author Topic: I don't want my lesbian friend to know I'm attracted to girls
Ninette
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The subject of the topic pretty much sums it up. Now for the details. Sorry in advance for the novel!

I'm what a lot of people describe as a 'girly girl', or 'womanly'. Weird terms, but anyway. I'm 19, blonde, wear makeup, am slim but curvy, socially outgoing, etc. and basically get a lot of attention from men. To be honest, I've learned to enjoy it although I do usually discourage it (which seems to confuse a lot of guys). I've never had sex (of any kind) with anyone, although none of my friends believe I'm a virgin, which can be frustrating.

I am extremely attracted to men sexually and romantically, and really enjoy being a girl, but have always felt no need to 'compete' with other girls over boys, and don't really have a strong interest in boyfriends or feel the need for a serious relationship right now. I'd never want a partner just for the sake of having one; I need to be really good friends with the person first, before I feel comfortable comitting to anything romantic.

My best friend in the world, whom I grew up with, indentifies herself as a butch lesbian, and though she's very pretty often gets mistaken for a guy due to her mannerisms, haircut, clothing, etc. Still, she had a VERY hard time coming out and it was really a process for her to even admit to herself that she was gay (although she jokes now that she was 'delusional' if she thought she was fooling anyone).

Many of our accquaintances still don't really know that she's out, even though she is pretty comfortable now about her sexuality, and becoming more proud and defensive in response to her own family's harrassment (besides the issue of her particular ethnic community not being, as a whole, really too thrilled about homosexuality). She's also in the military, so being gay can present a few dilemmas for her professionally.

Long story short, being gay is one of the major issues in her life, has caused a lot of problems for her, and is something she feels really strongly about and is finally coming to enjoy after years of struggling.

I wouldn't be writing any of this except for the fact that in the past I've denied any attraction to women and my best friend thinks I'm totally straight (or that I want to be seen solely as such). I've often been teased since around age 13 that I was a 'tease and a lezbo' because I wouldn't go out with anyone. Lack of attraction to men wasn't the reason, it was the particular selection in my small hometown that kind of turned me off. : ) I even encountered these rumors during my first semester at college because I wasn't sleeping with anyone.


IF I am bi, it's probably something like an attraction of 90% to men and only %10 to women, but I do sometimes prefer girls sexually and emotionally and have developed strong crushes on girls I know to the point of being aroused when talking to them, etc.

The thing is, I feel no need to label my sexuality as ANYTHING at the moment, and might not ever feel comfortable with a label. I'm just me! Generally, I feel pretty comfortable and free to pursue relationships with whomever I choose.

However, it's getting to be really uncomfortable to me to keep pretending to my close friend that I'm only attracted to guys. I feel like she might think I was just trying to emulate her, or was trying to hint that I was attracted to HER or something if I confessed any attraction to girls, because I've always dodged around it before. We're so close, but there has been some very subtle sexual tension in the past, mostly because of other people suggesting we were involved sexually. She has recently become more comfortable about expressing her interests to other girls, and I don't want her to think I'm 'pretending' to like women more than I do just to 'steal her thunder' or whatever you want to call it.

Honestly, I'm always upset by suggestions that I'm a lesbian, because a lot of times I feel people are using it as an excuse to explain why I don't like a particular guy, and are trying to dismiss the fact that I just don't want to be sexual with that person.

I feel like my best friend who is gay is the one person in the world I should be comfortable telling about my sexual preferences, but I'm so scared of offending her because it - not being 100% straight - is a more casual situation for me. I know this wouldn't break up our friendship, but I don't want to alter it or lose her trust somehow, or seem like I'm seeking attention. I don't intend to suddenly make some big declaration to everyone that I'm coming out as bisexual or something similar, I just don't want to have to constantly bite back my true opinions when talking with her about girls. It doesn't help that the type of girls I'm most often attracted share a lot of similar traits with my friend. I don't want her to get any of the wrong ideas.

Is anyone in a similar situation? Help!

Posts: 11 | From: North Dakota | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ninette
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Wow. I just realized how truly long this post is. Too many details! Sorry!
Posts: 11 | From: North Dakota | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Sorry this got overlooked. You're right, we don't need to know things like what you look like and that you're femme (and plenty of women of all stripes are) [Smile] , but it's not like the post was ignored on that basis.

Really, when you're just coming out, especially if it's hard, it is usually NICE to have company in that, not something that's a bummer. I doubt she'd be worried you were "copying" her.

You can also make clear you telling her this isn't a come-on, and talk to her about exactly what you've said here: that you've been unsure what to do because you didn't want to offend her or have her feel like you were stealing her thunder or seeking attention.

If she gets the wrong ideas, as your best friend, you two can talk through them. If nothing else, that's really the biggest reason to go ahead and be honest, because not being so means you don't get to be as close as friends as you would be otherwise. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68255 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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