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Author Topic: Bi-Curious? Confused...
Brassgirl
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Hi everybody,

I looked around for a bit to see if there was a topic like this here, but I couldn't find one. You guys always seem to have such good insight, so I wanted to get your thoughts on something I'm going through right now.

I'm in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years. He's wonderful, and I love him with all of my heart. I do believe he's the man I'm going to marry. (We're in our mid-20s). We're living apart while I go to school (2,000 miles away- I'm in New York, he's in California). I miss him terribly.

The thing is, I just started hanging out with this girl here. I know she is gay, and I'm pretty sure I have a crush on her. I think I've had crushes on girls before, but this is different - I don't usually want to do anything physical when I have a crush on a girl, but I really want to kiss her.

What does this mean?! I know that kissing her is out of the question. That would be cheating. How do I deal with these feelings? She's a good friend - I'm not willing to stop being around her. Is this just a craving for affection because my boyfriend is so far away?

I would be so grateful for any thoughts you guys have. I really appreciate it!!

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Karybu
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"What does this mean?" is a pretty big question. Are you asking what this means for your relationship, or your orientation/identity, or your friendship, or...?

Per dealing with the feelings you're having, crushes tend to fade in time, so you don't necessarily have to do anything. It's perfectly okay to have feelings and not do anything with those feelings, just let them be, if that makes sense. If it's not uncomfortable for you to be around her, and you want to continue the friendship, that's absolutely fine.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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By the by, no matter what our orientation is, it's typical and common to feel sexual attraction to more than one person even when we're with someone we really care about and are into. If you haven't yet had that happen, at all, ever, until now...well, it was bound to happen eventually.

Monogamy isn't about people not ever having feelings for someone else, it's about people choosing to only be with one partner.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Brassgirl
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I guess when I say "What does this mean?" I mean what does it mean for my orientation.

I've had feelings for other people before, but never for another woman. It's just hard for me to tell if it's fleeting or not. I guess only time will tell!

Thanks so much, guys!

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Karybu
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You're right, figuring out what this might mean for your orientation is something that will likely take some time, but you might find this piece helpful: Q is for Questioning

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Brassgirl
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That article was really helpful - thanks for the link!

I'm starting to wonder if this has serious implications for my relationship. Should I tell my boyfriend what's going on? Or wait and see? I honestly have no idea at this point how deep/intense/whatever this crush is.

Thanks again for your help guys - it means a lot!!

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Karybu
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I'm glad you found the article helpful.

As for whether or not you should share this with your boyfriend, well, that's (another) something you have to figure out on your own. I know that isn't terribly helpful, but without knowing anything about your relationship with him, it's a tough question to answer, and it's a very individual thing as well. In some relationships, for some people, a crush on someone else - whether it's someone of the same or a different sex - is something that is to be shared with a partner immediately. Other people, in other relationships, wouldn't feel it was necessary. Either way, I think you can take some time to think a bit more about your feelings for your friend and what sharing those feelings with your boyfriend might mean for your relationship before you do anything at all, if that makes sense.

One thing to keep in mind is that this doesn't have to be a huge deal in terms of your relationship. It's very common, as Heather said, for people to have feelings for people other than their partner in a monogamous relationship. If this changes how you see yourself and identify in terms of your sexual orientation, then for sure, that can have a bigger impact on your relationship, but just having a crush on someone other than your partner doesn't have to be this big life-changing thing, if that makes sense.

[ 10-01-2012, 09:38 PM: Message edited by: Karybu ]

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Brassgirl
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More really good advice. I definitely have to give it time and weigh it out. My big concern stems from the fact that I have no idea how he would react if I told him I was crushing on a girl. Plus, when you live so far apart there's no good time to bring up that kind of heavy stuff.

Looks like I'll wait and see, then go from there. Thanks so much!

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Karybu
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You're very welcome. [Smile]

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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