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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Yeah, Another Bisexual Question

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Author Topic: Yeah, Another Bisexual Question
isabella.the.insomniac
Activist
Member # 34041

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So, I know there are a lot of questions like this, so I guess everyone's confused these days. But I figured I might as well voice mine as well.

As you may already know, I have a boyfriend. Who I love very much. I have always been emotionally and somewhat physically attracted to the male gender. I didn't start thing about sexual things with boys until I was about 13 or 14, and then about a year later, I realized I didn't find the male genitalia "attractive"..it kind of freaked me out for some unknown reason. But now that I'm a little bit older, and now that I've been involved in more sexual "acts", it doesn't "scare" or "freak me out". I love all of my boyfriend. The reason I believed it scared me so much is because it was the unknown, and most people fear what they know nothing about. I also hate learning new things most of the time because I like to be good at everything I do, and I was scared I wouldn't know what I was doing when it came to manual/oral sex. But that's not an issue anymore with my current boyfriend.

I love my boyfriend emotionally, physically, etc., but the thing is, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with a girl (sexually). Maybe I think a girl would be a better lover since she's a female and would know, naturally, what a lot of females like. Sometimes I fantasize about being with a girl. On the rare occasion when I look at porn (and for some reason, it practically kills me to say I've looked at it), mostly out of curiosity, it's been lesbian porn, and it turns me on. Heterosexual sex in a non-loving relationship/way seems too rough and unfair for women in my eyes. Many women can't orgasm from sex alone, as you guys know. So it seems like the male always gets to dominate and feel all the pleasure regarding intercourse. All I know is that I've never felt the need to look at heterosexual porn. A lot of it is degrading to the woman. Maybe that stems from my feminist views, who knows.

But what I'm trying to ask is, could I be bisexual? Or maybe I'm just curious about what a girl would be like, since I've always been an inquisitive person?

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"...There was nothing else left, nothing in the world but his fingers and the delirious incoherent frenzy of pure sensation they sent spiraling through me, as though I were an instrument vibrating with the exquisite hymns of the angels."

Posts: 62 | From: California | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Earnestly, we've got no evidence that a person's sex or gender makes them a better lover. You can talk to plenty of us who have had partners of all genders, and what we'll usually say is that while things/dynamics can sometimes differ with different genders and sexes, that what makes sex great tends to boil down to personality and the dynamics of a given relationship between people.

Yes, women share the same parts, but we don't all function the same way or like the same things sexually. We don't somehow know better what women like because we don't all like the same things (and usually, at some point with a same-sex partner, we'll find that out the hard way, by both parties getting pretty frutsrated by their masturbatory styles not getting the other off, much as it may seem like that should work!). To have great sex with any given partner, they can only know our own ins and outs when we tell them, and men and women alike can be great listeners and follow direction.

quote:
On the rare occasion when I look at porn (and for some reason, it practically kills me to say I've looked at it), mostly out of curiosity, it's been lesbian porn, and it turns me on. Heterosexual sex in a non-loving relationship/way seems too rough and unfair for women in my eyes. Many women can't orgasm from sex alone, as you guys know. So it seems like the male always gets to dominate and feel all the pleasure regarding intercourse. All I know is that I've never felt the need to look at heterosexual porn. A lot of it is degrading to the woman. Maybe that stems from my feminist views, who knows.
Porn isn't a good marker of relationship realities: not for straight people, not for lesbians. In fact, it's likely most of the "lesbian" porn you've seen isn't even lesbian at all: most "girl-girl" material is made by men, for men, and often the actresses aren't lesbian or even bisexual. They're acting, and lesbians are rarely writing the scripts: usually men are, which is pretty obvious most of the time to those of us who have had lesbian sex in real life. That porn is usually just as divorced from the reality of our sex lives as the het porn is from most people's sex lives who have opposite-sex partners.

Porn looks like it does because it's the fantasy that sells, and what sells is THE driver for what the content is. While het porn (and lesbian porn) may be able to tell us some things about what a group of male consumers fantasizes about, and are willing to spend money to watch, that's about all it tells us. And "girl-girl" porn made by men, for men is really no less degrading than anything else from a feminist viewpoint, especially since it so often results in real lesbian sex and dynamics being made even more invisible, and so often is clearly a representation of what men wish lesbian relationship were like; about only presenting women together in a way which men find sexy and acceptable.

Too, ANY sex that isn't considerate of both partners, that doesn't take into account the individual needs of both partners, with anyone, is unfair. And believe me, that can happen with female partners, too. It happens all the time: women sleeping with women aren't somehow miraculously immune from being selfish in bed, or being too rough, or privileging their needs over their partner's needs.

None of this is to say I'm somehow arguing for you to be an orientation you aren't, or to sleep with any given person you don't want to.

If you feel sexual and emotional attraction to women as well as to men -- real women, not just actors -- than by all means, you could be, and likely are, bisexual. And that really is the bottom line with sexual orientation, not ideas of what sex might be like, or notions we get from fiction.

[ 10-07-2007, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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By the by, I just realized that if you're also saying that you'd prefer the sort of sex or dynamics that you're seeing in girl-girl porn in your own sex life, that's something you can ask for and do with a partner of any gender. It's also stuff that may or may not happen with a partner of any gender.

In other words, girl-girl porn is often big with the oral sex: if that's what you want more of, then that's something you'll need to voice to a partner if that's not what you're both going for. There's really no given sexual activity any configuration of genders can't do, after all, nor any one sexual activity or dynamic any given gender likes or prefers.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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