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Author Topic: I'm So Confused
allthesame
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I typed out this big, long explanation of my situation and it didn’t post so I lost everything. Now I have to start over, and I’m not happy about that. I was pouring out my heart and just ready to be done, and now I have to start over… Argh.

Well, here’s my story…

I’ve never been a girly girl. I love football. I love playing football. I love playing any sports, and my entire life I’ve been very “boyish”, by the way I dress and the things I do, how I carry myself. I hate dresses. And up until last year I wore a simple pair of jeans, a t-shirt and tennis shoes, no makeup, nothing. However, this year I changed. I now fix my hair, do my makeup, I wear dressier clothes like American Eagle and I just look more like a girl now. I feel better about doing such a thing, but nonetheless I still feel very “guyish”. I’ve always been one of the guys, and all of the guys at my school see me as their best pal, rather than a romantic interest. I’ve dated three guys my entire life (I’m 18), and I’ve never felt anything with them. But rather I’ve used them just for company (I realize this when I look back on our relationships). My last boyfriend I dated for 4 months, and I didn’t cry, I had no emotion whatsoever, but more of a relief when we broke up. I am a virgin, but I’ve fooled around with guys before. Nothing more than mere kissing and touching, but I wasn’t “turned on”, I didn’t have to have more when it all happened. I was just like, “whatever”. My last boyfriend and I were making out pretty heavily and he was really turned on by everything, and I wasn’t at all. I was just bored and unenthused by it all. I’m not quite sure what that means exactly…

I’ve changed so much in the last year, that before this year I was very anti-gay people. I just didn’t agree with it. I thought they didn’t deserve a chance to be “equal”, and things like that. But then I woke up, and now I totally agree that they should be considered the same, they’re people too, and why is everyone judging them? It truly makes me angry when people discriminate because of race, gender, sexuality. It is just down right stupid. I’ve come to realize this, and I’ve accepted gay people, and more often than not I take a stand for them.

Here’s what I’m so confused about… I’ve been talking with this girl for about two years now just over the internet as she lives too far away for me to meet. I’ve also spoken with her on the phone. She has been a big part in changing me. She’s made me more open to things, and I’m glad. But, I consider her to be my best friend. We have a lot in common as we’re both artsy, like the same kind of music; we get a long really well. I’m always making her laugh, and I talk to her every day. And every day while I’m at school I can’t stop thinking about her. I always wonder what she’s doing, what she’s thinking, if she’s happy, if she ever even thinks about me. We’ve extremely close, because I tell her everything and she does the same. We’ve constantly joked about being lesbian, with things like “If I ever turn lesbian I want you to be my wife”, things like that. I’ve always been really possessive over her, but as of lately it’s gotten extremely worse. She started going out with this guy and they ended up having sex, and just every time she went out with him I was really jealous. I hated it that she was going with him and leaving me. It really bothers me when she doesn’t talk to me a lot each day, or when she seems distracted, or when she goes out with friends. I’m just really jealous and it hurts me. Because I wish that I was as important to her as she is to me. She tells me that she cares a lot about me, and she’s always been there for me.

About a month ago she jokingly said, “what would you say if I told you I was bi?”. I didn’t take her serious, but we ended up talking about it and she told me that she was just sexually confused. She has told me all about her relationships with the guys she’s been with (just 2), and she told me how she wasn’t sexually aroused by the first guy that she lost her virginity to. So I just don’t know. Her telling me all of that really hurts me, and I don’t know what to do about it. She’s just all I think about. I can look at guys and I see nothing, but the thought of her brings a smile to my face. I get so depressed because I’m so confused. I cry, and I just don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if I’m bi, or lesbian, and that’s what I want help on.

I’ve spoken about all of this to her, and she said she was just so confused herself, and that she couldn’t develop feelings for someone that she couldn’t see face to face. And we’ve made plans for me to fly up and see her in June. Right now I just really wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish I could just push her away and not feel this, because it hurts so terribly. I’m not sure if this is “love”, or what it is at all. I’m truly worried about being bi or lesbian, because where I live it’s just…Awful to be that way. I live in a heavy Baptist community, and we’re still racist down here as well. I don’t feel like I belong here and as soon as possible I am moving. But I just don’t know what to do. I’m just so confused about myself and it is driving me insane. So I’d gladly appreciate any help anyone can give me. Maybe you can help me understand this all? And help me understand what exactly is between me and this girl? I really will appreciate anything. Thanks.

Posts: 15 | From: Behind the screen | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
allthesame
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Sorry it is so long... But I've been pinning this inside for a really long time and just trying to convince myself that it is nothing at all. Right now, because I'm so jealous I just feel like pushing her away... Because I'm afraid. I'm hurting, and I don't want to hurt anymore. Obviously, I can't have her, and I'm just so confused about it all. I've been really irritable and overly sensitive with her lately, and I just take everything she says the wrong way. So I'm sure I'm pushing her away and it is killing me. I just don't know what to do. At all. I just feel like I can't really explain how deeply I feel about all of this, so I'm sorry everything is so long. Thanks again, if anyone was able to force themselves to read all the way to here. [Smile]
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allthesame
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Maybe I wasn't very clear... So here are my questions in simple form...

1.) Does is sound like I'm bi, or even lesbian?
2.) What does it seem like that's between me and my friend?
3.) How am I supposed to deal with all of this?

I really hope somebody can help me... I hate being like this, and it's getting close to a month of it, :S

[ 05-06-2007, 06:35 PM: Message edited by: allthesame ]

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Ecofem
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Hi allthesame, welcome to Scarleteen! [Smile] It sounds like you're in a tough situation right now, which is really difficult to go through. But I assure you that you're not alone, and dealing with all this gets much, much easier.

First, how we dress or seem appearance or interest-wise, i.e. "feminine" or "tomboyish" or what have you, doesn't really correlate to our sexual orientation. It obviously may play an important role as to how you feel or are perceived, but it's not really something to figure out your orientation by.

However, that said, other stuff you're saying does lead me to believe you might be lesbian or bi. (That's ok! And this is just my analysis of your question, it's not what you are or aren't, and you never have to label yourself anyway!)

It also sounds like you haven't been sexually/romantically attracted to the guys you've dated; maybe you're not attracted to men, or these guys at least, although you never know how you'll be feeling where you'll be at the future. (As in, you're under no obligation under any circumstances to date another one, but you shouldn't feel like you can't if you want to.)

In any case, being gay isn't about not being attracted to the opposite sex/gender but being attracted to the same sex/gender. I'll come back to this later.

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of changes of opinion and view; good for you for becoming more open and accepting! However good such a change may be, it's a big reverse of a mindset that's really fast, when you (as in, everyone) needs more time to process these things. Which you'll have, no problem; it's just that I think it makes questioning your own orientation right now a bit harder to chew on. Living in an unsupportive, even belligerent, community also makes accepting yourself harder, be it due to your sexual orientation or being artsy like you say or what have you.

So I can totally understand and appreciate why you're branched out to meet friends from outside your community, like your best friend here. It sounds like you have a really close friendship, and that's not easy to come by, regardless of where you live! However, the whole interest/attraction element makes it more complicated. You gain a lot from the mutually supportive friendship, but you're also starting to be really hurt by the seemingly one-sided-ness of it, and/or the distance, and/or confusion of it all.

You seem to have really strong feelings for you, which are ok, but just don't seem to work out for the aforementioned reasons. I can't say if she's bisexual or gay or interested or not; she certainly could be. But it's the other factors at stake: you realize the jealousy is bad, and you're already brought all this up with her. While I certainly believe you can fall for someone without meeting them in person, I also agree with her about face-to-face contact being crucial. (You know about the stuff to keep in mind: the safety factor, the disappointment factor, etc.)

I have mixed feelings as what to suggest you do: First and foremost, I'd recommend trying to get more in-person support, be it GLBT stuff or just close friends closer-to-home. You said you're moving as soon as you can; I think that's a very good decision, as there are certainly more tolerant places out there, including in Oklahoma and some Baptist churches. What's your plan for making this happen? Is there anyway we can help you think of options?

As for how things will turn out with her, I'm not sure. I'd try to do what makes you feel better, but again it's the question of how. Because she's not just a crush but your best friend, and her support is important to you. She's not just the person of your romantic interest but a representative of an outside, more appealing world as well as your "first" same sex crush. That's a lot for both of you right there.

But I'd work on somehow taking a break from the contact; not stopping talking to her or cancelling the June visit, but finding alternatives to being so jealous and emotionally wraught by it. While it does sound like you could love her, healthy relationships/love is positive and brings you happiness versus raking you over the coals or rubbing salt into the wound.

So, I'd try to work on being ok with not knowing what you are per your sexual orientation, because it does really come down to specific people rather than gender in general. To be ok with just taking things/people as they come, and realizing -- as you know already -- it's ok to not be heterosexual. After all, many people such as myself believe that sexuality is fluid. (This is all easier said than done, but the acceptance will comes with time.)

Second issue: I'd actively try to give both yourself and her a break in terms of the expectations and worries. Try to develop stuff outside of your contact and keep in touch a bit if it's possible without the emotional pain it's causing you.

That's a lot said and no really clear answer to your questions. But it sounds like you're made so much progress on all this already, and it's only going to get easier with time, as hard as it is now. Please try to give yourself a break, because it will work out, even if a bit differently than originially anticipated, which happens to end up being for the best. [Smile]

[ 05-06-2007, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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allthesame
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Thanks so much. The whole “tomboy” issue has to deal with everyone at my school calling me a lesbian before. Now they’re not being mean to me or over doing it, they just make subtle jokes every now and then, so back last year I started thinking about it anyway. I’ve always questioned myself, whether I’m straight or lesbian, and not so much bi. But that’s mainly because people forced me to see myself, and I didn’t like what I saw. So I’ve changed some, became more girly by the way I dress, but that hasn’t changed who I am inside. I do feel better about myself when I dress nice, so I was doing it for myself and not anyone else. I don’t know much about gay people, nor do I really understand, but that’s because of my exposure to it. Basically, it’s bad and those people are going to Hell is what I’ve been force fed. Now, I don’t believe that, even though the majority of the town I live in does. My parents have often spoken about gay people, and my Mom, to put it simply said, “They should all just be shot; they’re f***ed up in the head”. And yet, she says that, but back in high school one of her best friends was a gay guy. I just don’t understand sometimes. My Dad is definitely very anti-gay, and simply the entire town is and everyone in it, so it worries me. They’re just as bad about being racist, they still use the n-word, and our local restaurant will not serve a black man or woman UNLESS they come in with a white person. I’ve seen it happen numerous times. So just all of that really makes me want to move and get out of this town, and hopefully I will have my chance here soon as I am graduating high school next week. But it is going to be hard for numerous reasons, like supporting myself and trying to go to college at the same time. However, that’s a totally different issue.

I’m just not attracted to guys. You know how many girls fawn over Brad Pitt, or the likes of Channing Tatum or what not, when I look at them I just see another man, nothing more. I don’t sit there and stare at them and want to be with them, or drool over their bodies. Yes, I agree that they have nice bodies, but I’m just not crazy over them, and I’ve never been crazy over a guy, famous or not. So that makes me wonder what I am, obviously, or whatever it is that I’m attracted to. Because just in the same sense, I’m not overly attracted to girls either. But I do find them beautiful or sexy, like Scarlett Johansson, but just not in a sexual way. I’m not sure I’m attracted to anyone in a sexual way. I hope that’s not a bad thing. But, when I think of my friend, I could see myself being with her all the time, and having a life with her. And every part of me wants to just go live with her and start my life there, but I just don’t know. She lives up North, whereas I am southern, and there are tons of differences in the people I have done figured this out, so I really want to live up there where she does, and see a whole new side to the world. She’s all I think about. I just want to be with her and I want to make her happy. And that scares the hell out of me.

Whenever I told her about my feelings for her a while back, she said that she likes me as a friend and that she could see us spending a lot of time together and that maybe things would become of it. And I understand completely where she is coming from, but I just don’t know why I’m not the same way. Why does it feel like I’m so hopelessly in love with her when I’ve never even MET her? Just all the time I worry about losing her, and I don’t know what I’d do without her, and at the same time I want more. I want to feel like she wants me just as much as I want her. And by want I mean “love”, not in a sexual way. I’m just really emotionally attached to her, and I really think it’s a bad thing. She called me last night and it made my entire day, even if we just talked for maybe 5 minutes. But it felt so good to hear her. And then I learn today that she was out with her new guy friend and how they went to the movies, and how “great” he is and things like that. And it kills me. Because I want to be in his place so bad. But I can’t expect her to not be with anyone when neither of us knows what could happen between us. If anything at all.

And sense I told her about my jealousy she opted not to talk to me about her latest dilemma which involved her new guy friend, and even though she was just trying to protect me (she told me she didn’t want to hurt me, and that she really cares about me, and the last thing she wants to do is hurt me), I was hurt because she didn’t tell me what was going on with her. Eventually she ended up telling me because I wanted to know, and so I guess it’s just a no-win situation. I feel like she’s keeping things from me when she’s just trying to protect me, but when she tells me it hurts just as bad. And every part of me just wants to be perfect for her, I’d do anything for her at the drop of a hat, and that scares me. Why am I like this, and for a girl that I haven’t even met!

I can’t tell any of my friends, the few that I have are anti-gay and they say that it’s just “wrong”, so I don’t see myself as being able to tell them. Of course, the only person I could tell would be her, and well, how am I supposed to talk to her about her?? Haha. I just don’t understand what I am, and I know you said that’s not a bad thing, but it’s eating me alive. I don’t find myself being attracted to any other girl, but I feel very attracted to her. Could this be because I’m in “love” with her and I just don’t see anyone else? I just feel like she’s the only one for me…

I’m sure a week visit in June really isn’t going to answer too many questions, maybe it will, and maybe it won’t. I really, with every inch of me, want to live near her (with her would be great, but I’m not pushing my luck), because where she lives just appeals so well to me. However, I’m not sure how that would ever work out. And I’m not sure she would even want me to do such a thing. She tells me all the time how much she cares for me and she’s always there for me when I need her, so I’m sure she truly does care, it’s just hard to convince myself of that sometimes. I’m just so worried about me being like this will push her away.

I guess the only way that I can kind of deal with the jealousy is to go out with my own friends. And I tried that this weekend, and I was okay for awhile, but nonetheless my other best friend (that lives here) was with her boyfriend and it made me really want to be with her (my distant best friend). I just laid there and thought about her for hours, wishing that I could be with her, doing anything, but I knew it was impossible. I guess I just have to accept that she’s going to be with other people, even though it is very hard for me, and hopefully I’ll be okay.

So I guess it sounds like I am attracted to her, but what does that say for everyone else? Sense she’s obviously finding company in other people it has really pushed me to not want to be so lonely either. I feel really desperate. But I’m just not attracted to anyone else, and I’m just so stuck on her, and it hurts that she doesn’t feel the same, and every time she tells me how this guy hurt her, I just want to tell her that I wouldn’t do that to her. That I would be perfect for her, but I don’t allow myself to do that. She said that we would just “see what happens”, because really, there isn’t anything else we can do. And it kills me. I cry every day because of it, and it’s really helping me being able to talk about it, though it seems like my questions really can’t be answered by anyone but rather with time.

Is it normal to have been straight and then find yourself crushing/loving someone of the same sex, like I am? Like I said, I’ve never had these kinds of feelings for ANYONE before, guy or girl, so I’m not sure what to call this. And I want so desperately to be happy, and she’s the only thing that makes me happy. I guess everything is just balancing on my June trip to see her. Hopefully a few questions will be answered then, and I can only hope that they will be for the better.

And I’ve been forcing myself to not express my jealousy to her when she tells me about her time with this guy or friends, because I don’t want to start a fight, and I just try to remind myself that she does care about me, I just don’t live up there. But that’s pretty much all I can do. And sometimes I wonder if we could do more talking on the phone and things more along the lines of two people that are “talking” but then I don’t know what the point is. I haven’t just bluntly told her that I love her, which I’m pretty sure wouldn’t be a good thing. However, she seems to really take all of this well and she hasn’t gotten upset with me but she just tells me she’s as confused as I am. I just wish I could know whether she was actually bi or lesbian, and maybe I’d be comforted more, but she just says she’s curious. I’m not sure how she’s supposed to find out whether she is or not? Oh, also, I’ve been trying to just be more of a “best friend” lately, because we used to flirt a lot (hard to explain) and she still flirts, like last night when she called me she said “Hey beautiful” and many times she says “g’night luv” and things like that. So that confuses me more, but at the same time I’m afraid to return anything like that…

I’m rambling terribly… but this is my only outlet, so I’m very sorry. I feel like I’ve repeated everything a million times, and I truly and deeply thank you for your advice, it feels really good to be able to talk to someone that understands and can help me!

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Ecofem
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That's a reaaaaally long reply there, with lots of details; of course that's totally ok, but in case I miss something... [Smile]

I don't get too excited over TV characters either, and certainly not so-called "hunks" like Brad Pitt; that's true for a lot of people, and it's fine either way. I wouldn't use that as an indication of your orientation. [Smile] We can see and appreciate the beauty of people without it being a sexual thing, which seems to be the case for you and Scarlet Johannsen, for example. Some people just aren't as sexual (for a lack of better wording) than others; there are a lot of factors, and you'll probably feel differently (however that will be) in one year/five years/50 years. That's all fine. It sounds like you're more romantically attracted to people right now, such as for your feelings toward your friend. I also think you can have a lot of platonic love for someone, wanting to spend your life with them in a platonic way.

Whatever the case, I think this friend situation has gotten really unhealthy. She just seems to think of you as a friend, which should be the way to accept it. Missing her on one thing; dwelling on her so much that you're having trouble functioning is an issue. Keep trying to stay busy and involved with others, which is what you're doing. It's too bad you don't have someone to confide in, but you'll be making new and hopefully better friends when you move soon. Do you think you might possibility talk about this with someone, maybe put less the focus on gender but on your feelings? There are certainly superhomophobic people out there, who you can't begin to start with, but a few turn out to be understanding when it's about hurt. (Is this making sense bc my English has gotten a bit off?)

As for considering yourself straight and really falling for someone of your same sex? I say it's completely normal (it goes back to the sexuality-being-fluid bit.) It might be a once-in-a-lifetime occurance or who knows?

quote:
And I want so desperately to be happy, and she’s the only thing that makes me happy.
I think this is the key sentence here. Do you think you might be depressed? It suddenly clicked in my head as a possiblity... that questioning your orientation can be tough, but with all this other stuff going on, it can wreck havoc on your emotions. Again, I'd try to take some space for this, like avoiding the flirting for now, as you're doing.

What about trying a session or two with a counselor? Would your parents be open to that? (You could say it's from all the stress surrounding school being over maybe?) You definitely could check out on-campus counselors when you start college, but you could probably even ask about their services now?

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September
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You know, what Ecofem says makes a lot of sense. Back when I was first trying to sort out my sexuality, I was also depressed over a lot of (unrelated) things, and I started centering my entire existence and happiness around this girl (who, to make it worse, didn't even know I existed). I'm not saying that your feelings for her aren't real. Rather, what I'm saying is - is it possible that you are depressed by your situation (you said several times that you're not sure about your own identity and that you hate the place you live in, which is enough to make anyone depressed) and that you are clinging to this girl because she seems like a way out of your situation?

It makes perfect sense that, when we're feeling lousy with where we're at (emotionally and/or physically) that we try to find a place where we feel better. And you seem to have yourself convinced that being with this girl, or being near her, would magically make your life 100% better.

Again, I'm not trying to belittle your emotions. I totally get what that place feels like. But it's not healthy to see our salvation in another person, and especially not if that other person does not feel the same for you.

I second Ecofem's suggestion that you seek out some form of counseling to help you sort out your emotions. This doesn't mean that you're crazy or there's anything wrong with you, only that you're overwhelmed with what you're feeling. It often just helps to be able to say out loud what's going on inside of you, to get some perspective.

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Johanna
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orca
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I'd like to suggest a couple of things which might help you look at your sexuality.

First, this really great story by ZZ Packer called "Drinking Coffee Elsewhere." It's about a girl who starts college and finds herself attracted to another girl, even though she always thought she was straight. The girl has conflicts with herself the entire time about the stigma of being a lesbian. It also discusses race, class, and gender along with sexuality.

Second, this movie called "Kissing Jessica Stein." It's about a jewish woman who decides to go out with another woman on a whim. She had always been straight before but finds herself attracted to this woman. It really shows the fluidity of sexuality. The woman also has conflicts with herself about her sexuality.

And like ecofem said, sexuality really isn't set in stone. Your sexuality changes from person to person. Also, just because you aren't sexually attracted to someone right now doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. You might not have met someone that you feel an actual chemistry with. But, could it possibly be that your attraction to this girl is in part because you have never met her? Sometimes with internet relationships it is easy to imagine a person being perfect in every way because you have not met them and don't know what they are like in person. So just be careful about that.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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allthesame
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As far as being depressed, I’m pretty sure I am. But I need to explain myself in how she makes me happy… I just find it really easy to talk to her, and she’s the only person that can truly calm me down, so usually when I’m really upset (I have family, school, friend issues) she is able to just listen to me and then I feel a lot better. Because like I’ve said before, I trust her enough to tell her everything. I’m not depressed over this issue, but more so over myself and I feel like a failure. I’m usually okay or “happy” for a few days before I go spiraling down again. Yes, I’ve attempted suicide, but my parents don’t know that. Yes, I’ve tried telling my Mom that I needed help and she said that it was my choice whether I woke up each day in a good mood or not. And yet, she has been on lots of antidepressants. Go figure? I deal with feeling subpar because of my parents and what not, so when all of this confusion was added I kind of freaked out. Usually whenever something bad happens everything piles on and I get super depressed. It’s like I can’t deal with one thing without beating myself up. You know? I’d like to think I’m getting better, but as soon as I feel better as in “happy” and content with my life, the low is just a far lower low than before. And I’m not sure how I’d ever be able to see a counselor, there’s no way my Mom would ever allow it, and I don’t trust my school counselor. So I’m pretty sure that’s why I write so much on here… No where and no one else to vent to, you know?

But yes, I agree that she’s the person I run to when I’m depressed, and I’m sure it eventually gets really annoying because it keeps coming back. I’m quite repetitive. I had a bad day today, but I kept myself from telling her, because I am trying to distance myself from her. So I didn’t say hardly anything at all to her tonight, which she didn’t seem to mind because she took forever to reply when she did. And yes, this bothered me quite a bit, but I kept myself from getting upset. And just a while ago she didn’t reply for 20 minutes and then just signed off without saying anything. Yes that bothers me deeply, but I’m dealing with it right now and trying to keep myself from getting upset. I just have to make myself realize that she doesn’t care for me as much as I care for her, even though it kills.

And yes I agree with the “platonic” thing, I’m not a very sexually charged person, and most sexual acts gross me out. I’m sure that has something to do with my childhood, but nonetheless, I’m just not a person that is in dying need of sex or anything remotely close to it.

I also agree that I see her as “perfect”, but I KNOW she’s not, because she does a ton of stupid things, and as of lately, she’s really been confusing me (not about the sexually curious part), but in just the things she’s been doing and I don’t agree with them. However, I’ve never been one to judge and so I’m not going to say anything to her, even though I feel myself losing respect for her. Which isn’t a good thing. I’m not quite sure what she’s doing with her life at the moment… -shrugs-

As of right now I’m kind of down and out on her, and I’ve given up. But that’s what was needed I suppose. I feel better because I’m not freakishly obsessed as of now, but it hurts. I guess I did just not want to realize the truth, maybe? I’m not sure. I’m sure I’ll lose her as a friend, because that’s just how things seem to work for me. But it won’t be the first time.

I really appreciate everyone’s advice.

Posts: 15 | From: Behind the screen | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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allthesame, you're definitely feeling sound pretty serious stuff; this isn't stuff you should have to feel or go through on a daily basis. Especially for the suicide attempt; everything ok on that now?

Honestly, after reading all of what you've said here, while your relationship to her is important, I really think the thing that needs to be focused on the most is YOUR mental well-being on a daily basis. I'm sure that everything else (things with your friend, however they turn out) once you work on that for awhile. Because I'm sure she wants to help, but it seems like you've (unintentionally) laid a huge burden on her with all this. That is a really, really tough position and responsibility for her to be in, so please cut her some slack.

You're 18 and you're a few days away from graduation... you are THIS close to starting to live a life YOU want to live. So let's figure a way to get you there as soon as possible? Your home situation sounds like more and more of a bad place to be: How's your medical insurance? Maybe you can go to a doctor without your parents knowing? What about going to your regular doctor and asking for a referral? And right now even a so-so school counselor sounds better than nothing.

How you can make getting out of their a reality? Do you work part-time or do you have a driver's license? How are you paying for the trip?

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orca
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To add to what Ecofem said, what are your plans for college/technical school? Honestly, that's one of the easiest ways to get away from home sometimes. And whatever schooling you plan on doing after high school, you will meet people that you have more in common with and, so long as you don't go to a very religious school, you will meet more open-minded people. Actually, even at a religious school you can meet really open-minded people. I go to a Jesuit college myself and no one forces their ideas on anyone and they don't care what your sexual orientation is. There are tons and tons of different organizations and clubs at colleges that you will have no problem finding someone with the same interests as you. And there are always a lot of scholarships if you can't afford college. One website that helps you find colleges and scholarships if you haven't already looked into it is www.fastweb.com. Membership is free too.

But for right now, you really need to work on your health. I know how awful it feels to be in that state of depression. I was there a few years ago, including the suicide attempts, and nothing I've ever felt has compared to it. But you can get better and you need to find some professional to talk to about your feelings, even if it is a school counselor. Friends are good to talk to, but they can't give you as much help as a professional can.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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allthesame
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Yeah, it was about a week and a half ago that I cried for 3 hours straight and finally just wrapped a shirt around my neck and made myself pass out. Yes, I know it’s not healthy. And sense then I feel myself going in that direction (getting really depressed), and I’ve been able to detour it, but it doesn’t always work. Sometimes I just can’t control it. Most everyone tells me that it’s “normal” for me to be depressed because of my age and that it will pass. I can only hope so. I’m sure me being like this has to do with being a perfectionist. Because it’s impossible to do anything perfect, and when I feel like it isn’t perfect then I feel like a failure, so I’ve just stopped trying anything for fear of failure. I was like that for about an entire year, and just recently I’ve been branching out more. I guess in a way it’s true that I’ve allowed myself to get this way, but I try to control it and make it go away, just some days I can’t. As far as being able to see a professional, it’d be really hard… And here are a few reasons. I live in a very SMALL town that is about an hour and a half away from any real doctor, and in two weeks I’m having surgery on my right ankle, so I can’t drive myself anywhere, plus my truck is in the shop (got in a car wreck, wasn’t my fault however) and isn’t fixed yet, so I have a rental that isn’t rented in my name so I’m technically not allowed to drive it. No, I don’t have a “normal” job, but rather I raise puppies (NOT like a puppy mill I assure you), so that’s my “job” everyday. Caring after horses, dogs, updating our website and advertisements. Also, my Mom has ALL control over my money and she owes me more money than I can even begin to keep up with. I had been planning on getting a job so that I could save up my OWN money and then get out of here, but with having surgery, it’s impossible. So I’m in a sticky situation. I haven’t asked if I can go to Pennsylvania (they’ll say no, but I’m going anyway), and I will hopefully have enough money by then. I have enough now, but I have to make my truck payments. It’s all so messed up. As far as college goes, I haven’t applied anywhere, therefore I have nowhere to go. I’ve been considering going to the school of Photography that’s about 45 minutes away from me, but I really want to get out of here.

And as stupid and outlandish as it sounds, I’d like to move to Pennsylvania and go to school there, live there, and play for a woman’s football league. Yeah, big dreams that are highly unlikely to come true. But, that’s me for you I suppose.

As of right now the whole “depression” thing seems easy to me, because I’m not in that heavy state of depression, because when I’m in that, I’m just awful. Of course, the “symptoms” seem to last for about a week. I’m always tired, always negative, feel like hell, and just hate everything about life. That pretty much fits me perfectly. But then a few days out of the month I’m super happy and super fun to be around and I feel GREAT, but then the say after that I have a huge plunge of depression. So it’s like I get a taste of what’s happy and then it’s jerked away, so that makes my depression worse. Usually just being able to talk about everything to someone (even if they don’t give me any advice but merely listen) I begin to feel better. I’ve been clinging to other friends more lately as to give my other friend some space, in hopes that it will help. I guess I’ll see how things pan out with time…

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orca
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It's not stupid or outlandish to want to go to Pennsylvania for school. I honestly don't know if there is such a thing as a women's football league, but I have no clue about sports to begin with. Have you taken your ACT or SAT? If not, then you can start studying for it and maybe even take classes for it. I took a class at one of the colleges here and it was pretty cheap to take it. Plus they give you a discount if you sign up for more than one. Maybe having something to focus on will help you feel better too. But, why do you think it's stupid or outlandish to want to go to Pennsylvania for school and sports?

Check out that website I linked. Just set up an account and pick out the things you are interested in and where you would like to go to school. You seem to be interested in photography and the arts. Also, for the arts there are actually a TON of scholarships that you can do. You'll have to do some work for them, like write a paper or put together some artwork, but it's not too hard. And the great thing about private scholarships is that you can get multiple ones so long as you create a new piece each time. All that money adds up. Plus you can do work/study programs to pay for college. Really, there are a lot of options. Almost all of them require a bit of work on your part, but it's worth it in the end.

Are you sure that you can't talk to any professional about what's going on? I think it's really important that you do.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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allthesame
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So here’s a little update on the situation…

“She” [same girl as previously mentioned] had the idea that I go to the same college with her, we get an apartment, and it’d be so much fun. So I tried to make that happen. Well, where she’s going you have to stay in the dorms the first year. That was a little disheartening, and then I figured well maybe we could request to live in the same dorm room? I would think so; don’t most Universities allow you to do such a thing? Anyway, I haven’t applied to that college yet [yes it’s in Pennsylvania] because my Mom isn’t very supportive, and I have to have a credit card to apply. Damnit, eh? I’m not sure I’ll get in because my major may be full, but I have the credentials to get it. I graduated with a 3.9 GPA, ranked 5th in my class, and made a 23 on the ACT, and all of that is good for this University. I just really need to get my application sent in. Seeing as I would be out of state student then I obviously have to pay more, about 10,000 a semester. Which is why my Mom doesn’t want to send me out of state, because it’ll cost more. Nonetheless… I’m still trying to convince her, but I just get so pissed off whenever we talk about college. Argh.

So here’s some more to add to my saga. “She” still wants me to come up there… And we’ve made plans for me to go visit her from the 16th-19th of June. Yes, that’s soon. Am I worried? Hell yes. I haven’t been on the best terms with her the past 3-4 days, because I’m being too sensitive. I just… Yeah, it’s hard to deal with all of this. I truly believe I have a connection with her, and she doesn’t know because I live so far away. And I don’t hold anything against her for all of this. I CAN’T get mad at her, it’s just impossible. It is my problem that I can’t seem to deal with this, and she tells me she still feels bad. She hasn’t came out and said that “There’s no way I can be with you”, but she’s such a nice person that doesn’t want to hurt anybody so I’m not sure if she’d tell me such a thing, you know?

And recently I’ve been doing the whole depressed deal again, and she has talked to me each time, and she kinda gets mad. Because I accuse her of not caring. Now, I don’t say it like “You don’t care!” type of thing, it’s more of a sarcastic remark, and so she tells me that she gets tired of me saying that because she just seems so helpless because she doesn’t know what she can do to help me. I hate putting her in that position, but I don’t have anybody else. I really don’t. And then I happened to drink some alcohol, and I was talking to her I kinda said a few things, and she told me that she needs somebody physical. And I understand where she’s coming from, but I still don’t understand my own feelings.

So, I’ve asked my Mom about going to visit her, and she didn’t give me a yes or no, so soon enough I have to ask again so I can buy a ticket seven days in advance so that it’s cheaper. I just know it’s going to be really hard to convince her. Because in her opinion I’m a person that doesn’t want to go anywhere, so she’s going to be really surprised about it all. But it’s something that I really want to do, for more reasons than one. I want to go up there to experience something different, to get out of Oklahoma, to meet new people, and get away from the Southern stereotype, you know? Plus, I wonder if anything could happen between us, and I don’t know how we’re going to be able to tell in just 4 days time… But maybe? I don’t know really, and she still wants me to come, but I’m still worried about what her intentions are…

Whether I should try anything? I’m sure I should probably look at it as visiting a best friend and if things happen, then things happen… I’m just nervous and worried, and yeeaahhhh. Does anybody have any sort of comforting reply??? Haha, ‘cause I really need one!! Thanks!

Posts: 15 | From: Behind the screen | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
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quote:
Originally posted by September:
But it's not healthy to see our salvation in another person, and especially not if that other person does not feel the same for you.

That is some really important advice September gave you.

It sounds like she is your only source of support right now and that you're dealing with some pretty heavy stuff. That's really unfair to her doesn't do you any favors either. She is not qualified to act as a counselor and it sounds like that is what you are asking her to do. It also sounds like you're being pretty emotionally manipulative and that's also not fair to her. Accusing her of not caring when she simply cannot be your only source of support is manipulative and unhealthy.

I also think you should think twice about living together during college. It's going to be really hard to live with someone all day every day when you have feelings for that person that she doesn't share. I don't think visiting her is a bad idea, or even going to the same college, but sharing 100 square feet of living space sounds like it could create a lot of problems.

I think you really need to find other sources of support, outside of this one person. No matter what kind of relationship you have or wind up with in the future, she cannot remain the only positive thing in your life. That's too much pressure for her and doesn't provide you with what you need.

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