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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » I Just Do Not Know Anymore

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Author Topic: I Just Do Not Know Anymore
Member # 39589

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I am a recent college graduate who has had the life that most people would dream of having. I have a beautiful house, a great job, a wedding date set for the first week in October. I am a typical girly-girl who loves shopping, going out, dressing up, pink, etc. And My fiance is a wonderful man and I do love him and look forward to spending the rest of my life with him.

The only problem is that I find that I am attracted to women as much as I am to my soon to be Husband. I have felt this way since highschool, yet I have never acted upon it feeling that it would be "wrong." I live in Alabama, and I tend to believe that this is not a place that is overall receptive of this kind of curiosity... and I have crushes on friends but kept everything inside because of fear. But at this point in my life, I want to act on it. I want to at least know if I truly feel this way or if it is some fantasy in my mind. Although for as long and as much as I have felt this way, I doubt that it is as simple as a fantasy.

And now I am wondering how do you have both worlds? I could never and would never leave my fiance, but I feel a void in my life and these thoughts are always in the back of my mind. And I am not even sure I could meet someone who would understand and be interested. And if i did I would probably not recognize it. It is such a lonely feeling...

I am so confused, and just wish I could find an answer. Does anyone have any advice? Anything would help. [Confused]


Posts: 1 | From: Huntsville, Alabama | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I wonder if some of this is coming from the idea that this really is about two different "worlds." Thing is, for the most part, being attracted to both men and women is really no different than someone heterosexual or homosexual being attracted to more than one person in the world of a given sex.

In other words, I think the void you're feeling is more about not having explored, yet, something you want to, rather than any given bisexual person needing to have both male and female partners at any given time, or in life, period. I know that I'm a lifelong bisexual who more often than not -- mostly due to the fact that finding time for one partner is tough enough -- is monogamous, unless I'm not in any serious relationships and am more casually dating. When I have a primary partner who is female, I don't miss men as a group. When I have a primary partner who is male, it's not like I'm sitting there thinking of something all women have (I mean, sparing a vagina and XX chromosomes, that's about where our similarities end) that I am longing for which I can't get with my male partner.

Is there a reason you can't discuss this with your current partner? Plenty of people have nonmonogamous relationships, full-tilt, or for a given period of time. It's not as if we either have to have a fully monogamous relationship or no relationship at all. have the two of you ever discussed the model of your relationship in regard to sexual or romantic exclusivity, rather than just kind of falling into that or presuming it?

The thing you'd just want to be sure to leave room for is the possibility that attraction to any one group of people rarely has given physical or emotional boundaries: in other words, if we get sexually involved with someone, there is always the possibility we may have or develop other feelings for them, too. So, I'd be wary of talking about this in a way which involves you making promises not to feel anything you couldn't control feeling were you to actively explore dating women.

(By the by, I hear you with location as an issue. it's something a lot of people grapple with. As a matter of fact, a lesbian friend of mine just left a job she tried for a year as a professor in Huntsville because she had such troubles there with homophobia and lack of any kind of queer community or inclusion.)

[ 07-31-2008, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Hi there,

Feeling trapped in a situation you feel doesn't provide you with the options you desire to explore can contribute to the void you've been experiencing. In regards to being trapped in two worlds, just as Heather stated, most people have some degree of attraction to both men and women but we don't dwell in a society that is always able to recognize this with any degree of acceptance. Even coming from a more liberal perspective about gender and sexuality, there is sometimes pressure that individuals should be attracted to "one or the other" when it comes to gender. Some dispute if bisexuality is even possible while others feel that *everyone* is bisexual. The only consistancy is in the lack of absolutes.

I can understand why it's hard for you to grapple with these feelings that you don't want to interfere with your current relationship but have the desire to experience sexual relations with women or, at least, want to have the option to do so. Some people have open relationships for this very reason. Monogamy isn't human nature anymore than any one culture can identify the wants and needs inherent in our biology. Our feelings are too greatly influenced by cultural norms. For example, as you stated, being raised in an area you don't feel would be supportive of relationships that fall outside of monogamy with one man and one woman colors your ability to consider what options there are for your situation.

Have you had any conversations around this topic with your fiance?

A great deal of our unhappiness can be traced back to our society's simultaneous respect for individuality and demand for conformity

Posts: 21 | From: Portland, Maine | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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