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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » I thought I was straight... now I'm not so sure! Please help.

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Author Topic: I thought I was straight... now I'm not so sure! Please help.
Madison D.
Neophyte
Member # 110857

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So here's my situation. I'm only fourteen years old, and up until about a month ago I've kind of just assumed I was straight. I've only ever really had one real boyfriend, but he ended up making me feel just really uncomfortable and weird. He was possessive and always wanted to kiss me in front of everyone after school every single day. I found myself going to serious lengths to avoid him, and even walking home so I could just get out of the school as soon as possible.

My problem is, I don't know if it was just him who made me feel like that, or if it's boys in general. I'm not sure that I've ever had any serious male crushes, even on movie stars and people like that. He is the only boy I've ever kissed, so I don't really have anything to compare it to. All I know is, that entire debacle just made me feel gross.

On the other hand, I've never actually felt any strong attractions to women either. I've definitely thought about what it would be like to kiss one, just like I would a cute boy. And all my favourite characters in TV shows or books are always the girls who don't need a knight in shining armour to swoop in and save the day. But does that just make me a hard-core feminist or does that mean that I might be gay or bi?

One of my best friends is a lesbian and she's the only one who I've talked to about any of this. She offered to kiss me, seriously just as a friend to help me figure it out. I don't know if I should go through with it or not, not least because I don't want to start making myself believe something that isn't true. But really, it's become kind of an all-consuming issue for me, and I know I'm still very young but I would like to at least try sorting it out.

Last but not least, my dad is the most open-minded person I know. He's great about all that stuff and isn't a homophobe even a little bit. I would even consider talking to him about a lot of this stuff. My mom, on the other hand, is a practising Roman Catholic, and she's raised me to be the same. We go to church every Sunday, and we love Jesus and all that, and for some reason that I can't really fathom our religion teaches that same-sex relationships, or even thoughts of same-sex relationships, are wrong. I don't feel the same way, because of course my dad has taught me to love everyone no matter what. But I know that with my mom, even though she loves and cares about me, my sexual identity isn't exactly up for debate. So I'm in a little bit of a pickle in more ways than one here.

This is my first post, but I found this website months ago and I don't really know why it took so long for me to join. You guys give really amazing advice, so I want to thank you for everything you've taught me already. Some help with this issue would be greatly appreciated!

Maddy

Posts: 2 | From: Alberta, Canada | Registered: Jul 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Welcome to the boards, and thanks for such a lovely thank you!

Sexual orientation per gender is about who we feel attracted to. Not who we do not. It is also not about any one specific person, since no one person can represent a whole gender.
How you feel about that guy does not tell you how you might feel about all guys as a giant group, just like kissing a woman is only likely to tell you how you feel about kissing that person, not about all women.

So, if you want to start to think about orientation, you want to think about who you DO feel feelings of sexual or romantic desire around. And if, so far, that does not seem to be anyone?

Then it just might be too soon for you to start figuring this out.

And that is totally okay. It is not something anyone has to know or have a word for at any given time, let alone before there is even a real pattern of attraction in your life to be able to look at to start to sort this out in the first place. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Madison D.
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Member # 110857

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Thanks Heather! I don't really think that I feel that way about anyone, no. I suppose I've had small crushes, but that "romantic desire" thing is still a bit daunting to me. I supppse maybe I'm just not ready to date at all yet? But I feel like I am. I guess I'll see how it goes next year at school and figure it out from there.

Maddy

Posts: 2 | From: Alberta, Canada | Registered: Jul 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, being ready to date is even something else.

In other words, someone could still have a sense of who they are attracted to, but not want to pursue that or feel ready to do so.

Really, some people seem to just have a clear sense from when they are very small about what their orientation is. And sometimes, as they go through life, it turns out they were right. other times, it turns out they weren't.

But no matter what, to really have a sense of this? It takes time, often at least several years, if not many more, of feeling attraction to different people to get a sense of our own patterns, be that about gender or any other general thing we find out we find ourselves often attracted to, like body shapes or sizes, ways people communicate, certain smells, interests, what have you.

Sounding like this is just something you really haven't had much of a chance to even observe yet, so by all means, there's no reason not to just give yourself that time. It's okay not to know things about ourselves, and there will always be some things we don't. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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