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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Coming to terms, communicating.

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Author Topic: Coming to terms, communicating.
Tenshi_XI
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So after almost 2 weeks, and dozens and dozens of e-mails with numerous advisors, counselors, and just help people in general, I think I now know where I stand.

I suppose one could say I'm in the acceptance stages of the process. Like I know where I stand, but I'm still resistant to it.

One of my psychology profs always had us say to ourselves "Everyday, in every way, I'm becoming a better person," as it was his belief that telling yourself such things over and over eventually you'll accept it. In that vein, I've been telling myself on occasions during the day "You may be bi, and that's okay." It's not exactly easy to say, but it does get progressively easier.

In time I'd hope that I could say "You ARE bi, and that REALLY IS okay. In due time I guess.

In the meantime, I want to tell one of my friends. Someone, but I just can't bring myself to do it. The person I want to tell is someone that I trust, and I know he wouldn't hurt me or abandon me (He is gay, so why would be be mean, y'know?) but I just can't bring myself to do it. I want to tell another one of my friends too, but I just can't find the strength to work past my latent fears.

Part of me feels like if I tell someone, I suddenly make it real. No longer would it be something held in the confines of my mind, but then something out there, exposed. PArt of me I guess is still hoping that maybe I'm just imagining everything, or that maybe my mind is lying. Does this make sense?

Maybe I'm just not ready to tell someone that I actually know, but I can feel the desire to tell someone, to be able to talk to someone I know. I think another part of it is that I want to be able to hear one of my friends say "It's okay." I want some sort of confirmation from a friend that I'm still accepted, that I'm still me. This all sounds so absurd, but the more I consider it, the more I think that's what is going on.

Opinions?

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Giving in is what kills people. When you refuse to surrender with all your heart, only then do you transcend your humanity. Even in the face of death, never give up. -Alucard

Posts: 51 | From: CA | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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It makes perfect sense. If you say something out loud, it's out of your head and part of reality and somehow, that makes it more 'real'. It's a huge part of the reason why I was terrified to start coming out. But it's also really great to have a friend to be able to share your feelings with. And hey, if you have a gay friend? They'll know exactly where you're coming from because they've been there. The first person I ended up coming out to was gay, as well, and we had that conversation via AIM, which seemed less scary than an in-person convo. Maybe that's something you want to try? Or even writing an e-mail or letter to your friend?

In any event, coming to terms with your sexuality can take quite a long while. That's okay. If you just want to talk about this, you can certainly do that here (-we also have a bunch of users and volunteers who know what you're going through). There is no rush to come out and you can take your time about that and wait 'till it feels right.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Tenshi_XI
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Actually, my friend and I communicate via an AIM like service.

Last night, I almost told him. The words were litterally on my fingers, ready, waiting, and I just sat there at the keyboard. I could feel myself tighten, and my breathing labor. So badly did I want to tell him. He knows about my panic attack at work, and he knows I'm looking into the causes, but he doesn't know what the cause is yet.

I've basically started baiting him, telling him to keep asking me, keep asking questions. I've told him that the e-mails are helping, but that I know I need to talk to people, and that, when I'm ready, I'll talk to him. My parting words to him last night were: "You've been very helpful, you just don't know it yet"

It's so funny. I met this person through an online game (Final Fantasy XI), but he's so much more then a character. We share stories of our lives, I've seen his photos, heard his voice/music (he writes music). I know so much about him, but I'll probably never meet him. I know his name, the name of his sister, his BF, the biggest friends in his life. Through some odd proxy I feel like I know who he is. It's a weird feeling. to have this much faith and trust in someone that you'll never meet.

How has he been helpful you ask? As previously mentioned, he is gay. When he talks about his family, friends, work, life, his boyfriend, conflicts, etc, it all seems so typical, so normal. It's very comforting, being able to "hear" him talk about everyday life, and in my head I can just think "His life is no different then anyone elses. It's all so normal." It comforts me to know that, in the future, if relationships go one way, or the other, I'll still be normal, it's all just so normal...men, women, it doesn't matter, I'll still be so typical, so normal...

That's what I keep thinking, "He's just so normal, like everyone else."

And that comforts me. Hopefully I'll tell him soon, cuz I want him to know how helpful he's actually been. I want him to know, that even though thousands of miles are between us, he's been more helpful in 2 weeks then anyone else in my life at the moment.

God I hope that doesn't scare him...

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Leabug
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(Not to be a big pessimist, but do keep in mind that people may not be who they say they are online, and it's very prudent to be aware of that fact [Smile] Be aware that you do put yourself at risk whenever you give out personal information to someone online.)

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Lea

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-Lauren-
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I really think you'd benefit from reading an article on the site we have on this very subject:

Getting Real: Relationships on the 'Net

A lot of what I'm seeing here is this guy being put on a pedestal of sorts, which is extraordinarily common, not to mention extremely easy to do, with a person who is, for the most part, unknown to us.

You may know minute details of his life, hobbies, friends, everything. You might have some of the most awesome conversations in the world. But it's important to remember that our minds fill in a lot of blanks; what we don't know about a person (the way they walk and talk, dress, personal hygiene standards, the works) are often replaced by what is the most desireable to US in our heads, even if it really isn't founded in reality, and even if the person possesses the complete opposite.

That isn't to say he isn't an awesome person whom you can get aquainted with, look up to, and enjoy your time with. But you might want to consider backing off a bit with the heavy stuff until more time has passed and you can screw your head back on. [Smile]

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Tenshi_XI
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Oops, I knew this would happen.

No no, don't misinterpret my words. I'm not attracted to him. nor do I give out my personal information. But I find that he has been helpful in figuring out myself these 2 weeks. A glimpse of normal-ness is very helpful.

Also, I've known him/talked to him for almost 3 years. It's not exactly fly-by-night. If he wanted to undermine me by now, I suspect he would've.

Perhaps I should've written my post more carefully.

ha ha ha pedestals..... no no, I'm not idolizing him.

Okay, I'm really gonna be more careful in my postings, cuz these sorts of assumptions, while humorous, are embarassing *laughs*

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Surferchk07
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Be careful with people on the web, Why they seem super rad online sometimes they are complete nutcases when you meet them in real life.
Ive met a ton of people from the web, And when i do meet them I meet them in a safe and crowded location and also let my family know but im going to be 18 so its a bit different.

But anyway seriously alot of people online are complete fakes so you need to be careful. you may talk to em on the phone and on aim or something but in real life they could be insane. plus pictures never prove that the person is actually the person in the photo.

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Elizabeth

"Peace is not the absence of war; it is a virtue; a state of mind; a disposition for benevolence; confidence; and justice." -Spinoza

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Ecofem
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Tenshi, I'm glad to hear you're working things out and feeling better about your sexual orientation. [Smile]

In addition to the good points Surferchk made about internet safety, I'll mention this: It can be hard having the same person as our main supporter and significant other. The whole teacher-student dynamic comes into play -- you don't seem quite equals, which isn't the best start for a relationship, and you yourself mentioned the pedestal bit. I mean, it's completely ok to like this person, it's just a bit complicated.

From personal experience: I've been on both ends of this, be it in person versus internet. I fell for the girl who helped me sort through my own questioning and later a friend I'd been helping fell for me. In the first scenario, she really was attracted to me but not interested in a relationship; I later was glad we didn't get together because she was kind of biased in her advice, however well-meaning. In the second situation, I saw her as a "little sister" of sorts, someone who was going through the same thing I was and who I wanted to help.

It's totally ok that you're feeling this way, I'd just be careful and not get your hopes up too high. It may not seem like this now, but there are so many other options out there in the future, too. [Smile]

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Tenshi_XI
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oye

*sigh* thank you all for your concerns.

Again, I've known this person for nearly 3 years. I'm not attracted to him. He has simply ben helping meunderstand my life.

Also, seriously, I doubt I'll ever meet him. I'm in CA, he's all the way in Iowa, just outside of Davenport.

Again, thank you for all your concerns, but I assure you, I'm not talking to him as a possible relationship, I'm talking to him as a friend that after many years I do trust.

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Surferchk07
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Ecofem: I've had the same happen to me before, both scenarios...


Tenshi:
You'd be suprised though about meeting people just cause you live in CA and them in Iowa doesnt mean you wont meet. Cause I've met people from england that I never thought I would meet. Sometimes they just come in town on a buisness thing or are passing thru. Things happen and its weird.

No worries if yall are just friends just if you ever do meet be careful. and its cool you have someone who will listen to you and you can talk too.

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Elizabeth

"Peace is not the absence of war; it is a virtue; a state of mind; a disposition for benevolence; confidence; and justice." -Spinoza

Posts: 154 | From: Seattle, WA | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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