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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Many questions. Please answer

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Author Topic: Many questions. Please answer
Member # 32522

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Tenshi_XI     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Okay, I have a ton of questions, and stuff in general...

First off, as planned, I told my one online friend, though as expected, he had already figured it out. I was honestly too cowardly to say anything, so I bait him into asking. That then made it easier for me to tell him.

I like how he asked: "Do you play for my team?"

"Close. I can play."

I can't say I experienced freedom, or ellation, or whatever, but i did feel more at ease, more peaceful, that I finally told someone. I find myself in better spirits during the day too, no longer dealing with questions that haunted me for so many years.

He's been really helpful, and has answered the barrage of questions I've hit him with practically nightly. It's made this week far more enjoyable.

Now to the question: I'm planning on telling 2 of my real life friends next. Now, I know they'll be fine with everything, that's the reason I plan to tell them, but I'm just not sure how to breech the topic. I don't want to say "Oh, by the way, I have something to tell you...." But maybe that is how I should. It's troublesome, cuz I know, I KNOW they'll be fine, but I still find myself incredibly nervous at the idea. Part of me thinks I'm not ready for a face-to-face, but the compulsion to tell someone is far too powerful anymore. I must placate it somehow.

So, yes, advice on telling one's friends. Please, anthing you have to offer, timing, setting, wording, whatever.

The next question is a lot harder. I was trapped at work, bored, for about 8 hours. So I basically had 8 hours of quiet thinking time. So, I got to wander and think, and get frustrated and mad, and work through some anger issues related to this whole ordeal. Nonetheless, by the end of the night, I was a raging pissant, annoyed by everything. I just wanted to be left alone.

My question is this: How do you deal with the anger? How did you get past the anger? The anger of having something like this thrust upon you that you didn't want or ask for. The anger at the world for forcing this to be harder then it should be. The anger at the fact that everyone you knew will now get to judge you all over again. The anger at that your life now gets to be more complicated and difficult then it ever use to be. All of it, just how did you deal? Cuz, I've barely started dealing with all of this, and I'm already pissed off and frustrated all to hell.

I can tell part of me is very bitter. my friend said it best "Don't hate yourself, hate what the world is going to put you through." And he's right, I don't hate myself, but I hate what I'm going through.

And yeah, he said that the easiest way to get past the anger is simply to accept that "yes, this was unfairly thrust upon you, and you can deal with it." But I'd honestly like more opinions. I don't like being angry and frustrated like this. It tends to hit me in cycles. I'll be fine for a large portion of the day, then it'll catch up to me, and I'll be cross for hours. I have to break the cycle, if just for my own sanity, and eventually happiness


Posts: 51 | From: CA | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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The bad news is that you'll have to come out again and again over the course of your life. The good news is that it does get easier. You'll still be nervous, but with time you'll figure out the best approaches and you'll even get a better feel for how people will react.

I hear you on not wanting to make a big deal out of coming out. You don't have to give a speech. The way that's worked best for me, was to simply bring it up when it seemed to fit the context of the conversation. I recently came out to a friend over coffee and a discussion about a gay character in a movie we'd both seen. My favourite is still a tip I got from a lesbian friend once: She came out to her family at the dinner table - "Could you pass the bread? And by the way, I'm gay".

So my advice is to just mention it casually when you're in a relaxed, comfy setting with your friends. Give that you're already fairly certain they'll be okay with it, that approach should work out okay.

As for the anger - I've been there, too. Some days it just seems incredibly unfair that there are so many things to deal with on top of the normal madness everyone goes through growing up. But I always tell myself that I am stronger for it.

Your friend is right. It's not you, it's the people around you. And if you surround yourself with people who don't make being homosexual this incredibly difficult ordeal for you, it becomes easier.

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 32522

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Yeah, I'm already preparing myself emotionally for the conversation. My primary goal is to not cry. *laughs*

I already know roughly how my friends will react.

"J" will most likely say "Aw Tenshi (maintaining names here lol), it's alright." and then possibly hug me. If he does hug me, I fully expect that I will cry, just because to me, he can't really express acceptance anymore straight forward then that. Even though I know I'll cry, I really hope he does that, I really really do. So badly do I want the acceptance of all 3 of them. Of course, he's arguably one of the most open and understanding people I've ever known. Nonetheless, his reaction will carry the most weight, simply because he is my most trusted friend, and because, well, he's a guy.

"M", she doesn't tend to mince words. I fully expect her to say "Oh Tenshi" in a very sympathetic tone, and I basically know she will hug me, and possibly pat me on the head. There's no way she would be angry. I mean, this girl reads Yaoi, and one of her biggest heroes is David Bowie. That man is practically the distillation of androgyny. Heh, she may also hit me upside the head for not telling her sooner *laughs*

"B" won't care either. I can't really predict what she'll say, but I know I'll get a hug. Hell, she greats me with a hug every time I see her. I decided she should know as well.

I'm slowly galvanzing myself, so that I'm fully ready come Friday or Saturday. I have a feeling I'll tell them during lunch on Saturday, most likely after I have a drink (I seldom ever drink. My last drink was July 2nd of 06).

Of course, I'm also prepared to cry...

Posts: 51 | From: CA | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 32276

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I dont know if this helps but when I told my best real life friend I was a lesbian the convo kinda went like this.

Me: "So Im going on a date this weekend"
My friend: "Oh whats his name?"
Me: "haha about that, you mean her name"
My friend: "what, what do you mean"
Me: "Im a lesbian, Im going out with a girl next week"
My friend: "Oh thats cool, As long as she treats you right im fine with it, but if she hurts you in anyway im going to hurt her just like i would hurt a guy who hurt you."
Me: "thanks girl i appreciate it"
My friend: "All I want is you to be happy Elizabeth."

Its weird coming out but it feels so much more free'ing. And September is right your going to have to come out a ton in your life and eventually it gets easier. And soon you will have to face the whole asking someone out thing. Which makes you just as nervous as coming out if not worse. Especially when you dont know if they are gay or not and your just guessing from what you can see.

Just tell your friends on at a time...Your doing good. You started with people you know will accept you which is how I did it too, Soon you can just start telling more and more people. Your going to feel so much more relaxed like you dont have to hide anything.

As for the anger - I've been there, too. Some days it just seems incredibly unfair that there are so many things to deal with on top of the normal madness everyone goes through growing up. But I always tell myself that I am stronger for it.
I think everyone deals with the anger but September has it down right there you just got to tell yourselve that your stronger because of this. And now you are you for once your not hiding yourself.

[ 02-15-2007, 06:04 PM: Message edited by: Surferchk07 ]


"Peace is not the absence of war; it is a virtue; a state of mind; a disposition for benevolence; confidence; and justice." -Spinoza

Posts: 154 | From: Seattle, WA | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 31005

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Total sympathy. I've just come out to my mother as bisexual (my father's in a bit of a mental health crisis right now and I'm not at home, so we're waiting on breaking it to him). I came out to my best friend over Christmas break. My mother was a little skeptical, but essentially accepting (she doesn't really believe bisexuality exists, but she has no moral qualms about it). My best friend was all, "Yeah, I figured." Which wasn't at all the reaction I expected, but was a relief. Because somehow it meant that I hadn't changed at all, and I hadn't changed at all to *her*, either. That I was really, really still the same person. Just a little more honest, now.

Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?

Posts: 28 | From: Rhode Island | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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