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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » bisexuality

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Author Topic: bisexuality
Dorkasaurus
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So I've always thought to myself that it's possible for me to like anyone, regardless of their gender, because that's just another physical aspect, and that it's only a coincedence that I've only liked males so far...but recently, I find myself getting more and more attracted to women. I don't actually have much of a problem with this on a personal level, but I have a few questions.

First, is it possible to "think myself into" being bisexual? I mean, have I just been repressing that side of myself all these years, or am I just delusional due to overactive hormones or something? This sounds silly, even to myself, but I tried talking about it to one my lesbian friends, and she was like "Oh sweetie, it's just because you don't have a boyfriend right now."

Also, I can't even explore this attraction because my gaydar is totally broken (THREE of my previous boyfriends came out of the closet after going out with me) and I'm afraid to/totally unsure how to approach women.

Sorry if this was a little rant-y, but I don't really have anyone to talk to about this...

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"We are all born naked, and the rest is drag." --RuPaul

Posts: 19 | From: New York City | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm not really hearing that you've "thought" yourself bisexual, here.

I'm hearing that you've always suspected you might be, and that now that may be coming to pass with your broadiening attractions.

Sounds to me like your friend was actually being pretty patronizing and dismissive of your feelings right now, and that really sucks.

You can explore the attraction: someone saying no isn't a death sentence, after all, especially not in NYC. So, if you meet a woman you have feelings for and want to ask her out, there's really no reason not to. If you feel like you're being dishonest somehow since you don't have all this sorted out, you can also always just communicate that: it isn't as if pretty much anyone who is queer won't understand that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Dorkasaurus
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Thanks for the advice, but it was a little more complicated than that. It was like, I didn't see any reason to rule out attraction to other women, but I wondered why I had never been, so I thought, "Maybe I've been boxing myself into a heterosexual mindset." So I started to, as a mental exercise, to see what would happen if I didn't always EXPECT to only be attracted to men, and if I started trying to see the beauty and attraction of other women. At first it was just theoretical, but now it's a lot stronger...

I know you can't think yourself into being straight if your're gay, and you can't "turn" yourself, and maybe I'm obsessing about it too much, just go with the flow and all that, but I want to know what I'm "meant" to be and want, I don't care which it is, I just don't want to be fake....

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"We are all born naked, and the rest is drag." --RuPaul

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Heather
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You know, though...

Nearly all of us are conditioned to be or identify as heterosexual by default. Even if we don't get those messages very directly -- and most of us do -- they are pervasive and paramount ALL around us.

Which is why, for instance, it's very typical for people who are full-on homosexual -- even those with clear internal clues to such -- to date those of the opposite sex for a while, maybe even marry, have kids, live ten, twenty years, sometimes even a lifetime in that "box" because they CAN'T deprogram that stuff. because they can't adjust their thinking.

So, for anyone who isn't 100% straight (which is a serious rarity), we pretty much all have to adjust our thinking at some point and do some of that "what if" exercising.

Too, none of us can ever know what we're "meant" to be with any more absolute positivity in this regard than we can know what we were "meant" to do with our lives, who was "meant" to be our best friend, where we were "meant" to live...or even if there is such a thing as us being "meant" to be anything other than simply what it is we choose to be with the circumstances we're given to work with.

You can know, over time, if you're following your guts, your heart and your mind, but with most things, that takes time. But ultimately, all you can really know is if things feel right for you or if they don't.

(And to be frank, I think just like sane people are the ones who worry they're crazy, authentic people tend to be the ones most concerned with being inauthentic. So, cut yourself a break, girl. See where this all goes, give it time to be the journey it is, make your choices as you go with the information -- internal and external -- you've got, and do your best with it, okay?)

[ 01-29-2007, 10:49 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Dorkasaurus
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Thank you so much. That actually made me feel a lot better. One last question: what could be a plausible reason that so many of my past boyfriends been gay? One even got a sex change after we broke up. It just seems a little too common to be just coincedental, but I'm not masculine (I'd actually rather be more androgynous than feminine as I am, but work with what you've got, right?), and I don't think I wear a bright neon sign that says "LAST CHANCE FOR GIRLFRIEND BEFORE YOU COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!"

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"We are all born naked, and the rest is drag." --RuPaul

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Heather
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quote:
I don't think I wear a bright neon sign that says "LAST CHANCE FOR GIRLFRIEND BEFORE YOU COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!"
Apparently, you do! [Smile]

Kidding aside, I'd guess it really is either coincidence or that perhaps you're someone people more fluid in gender (transgender and homosexuality are different things) and sexual identity simply feel comfortable around. Personally, I've also found that sometimes our internal gaydar, to what degree it's a genuine thing, can sometimes just read for who's queer rather than who's queer in a way that fits our needs, if you get me.

Plus, male homosexuality is also fluid like any other kind of sexuality: bear in mind that it's very rare for people to be 100% homosexual or 100% heterosexual. The vast majority of people are somewhere in the middle.

Know it's not fun no matter what the scenario to have a spell of winding up with people who keep being emotionally unavailable to you, but I wouldn't sweat it per it being anything you're doing.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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plain milyeh
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i think i had a similar weirdish kinda feeling when i first started actually paying attention to my sexual inclinations (which are all over the map, gender-wise)...it really wasn't that big a deal to me at first, because i was never really given the notion that i was supposed to be purely heterosexual (at least, not from my parents). so when i first started being attracted to people, it was like, "hm, that's interesting. that person would clearly never date me, but it is good to know that i apparently have normal human impulses and stuff..."

then after a while i think i started paying more attention to the heteronormative kinda influences outside of my parents and i was like, "aaah, sometimes i like girls! this could actually be a problem!", so i briefly attempted to convince myself that i didn't *have* to be into non-boys if i didn't wanna be, i'd just gotten used to the thought that i could be. of course, there's no better way to amplify all your mixed up teenaged sexual impulses than repressing them. so i kind of stopped caring again. it's worked out okay.

Posts: 108 | From: caaaaanada. ('cause we've got rocks and trees and trees and rocks...) | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dorkasaurus
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well, it was weird in my family. My mom, when asked about a hypothetical situation, said she wouldn't believe me if i said i were queer, but I know she has a lot of friends that are, and my father is borderline-tolerant of queerness in a way that it's okay for OTHERS to be queer but not anyone in the family. And my grandfather thinks that queer people should be locked in jail. :-\

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"We are all born naked, and the rest is drag." --RuPaul

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plain milyeh
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my parents can be really funny about the people i date/crush on. my mother (who is bisexual, and a lot of the reason i'm so freakishly well-adjusted about my queerness even though i'm a total freak about everything else) has coincidentally had some sort of mild, polite dislike for pretty much every girl i've ever been into...or at least been weird and defensive and convinced they were going to hurt me (admittedly, she's been right about that from time to time). conversely, she's looooovvvvved both of my former boyfriends. actually, i think the last one got along better with her than he did with me...it was slightly creepy that way. i was heavily scolded for allowing both of those relationships to dissolve. my girlfriend who i was supposed to move in with and live happily ever after? that breakup merited a shrug.

as for my father...the one person in my house i was mildly nervous about coming out to...he freaking loves every girl i show an interest in. it helps that the principal female characters in my love-life have mostly been guitar players thus far, because my dad's a folk musician and gets excited whenever there are new people in the house who he can tell tall tales about the histories of his various instruments to. strangely, though, my first boyfriend was a guitar player too, and where my mum sulked for a month when we broke up and still occasionally exclaims that she hasn't seen said boy in a long time, my dad completely shrugged that one off.

i think i've finally learned my lesson: i need to stop trying to predict parental reactions. they are not based on anything you or i might recognise as logic...

Posts: 108 | From: caaaaanada. ('cause we've got rocks and trees and trees and rocks...) | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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