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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Not OK with myself

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Author Topic: Not OK with myself
tearsandlove
Neophyte
Member # 31265

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I am a 15 year old female. I am gay. I have completely and totally accepted this. I am not ok with it. I do not think that gay people are wrong in ANY way. I just feel that somehow my attraction to females is wrong. I don't understand why. I'm not conservative. I'm not hardcore religous. I'm an athiest in fact.

I know this sounds weird so let me try to say it in a different way. I have realized that I'm attracted to girls, I'm not rejecting it, I just feel that it is wrong. What is wrong with me?? please I need help.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Look, babe: there is SO much around any of us, everywhere we look that tells us exactly that. Even if it is not in our immediate family or community, it is very, very pervasive. So some of us are going to pick that up, whether we like it or not.

If that's wrong, then it's wrong for a LOT of people for whom nothing else feels right. Heck, homosexuality occurs in far simpler species than ours. Of course, it's worth asking oneself how loving anyone or anything at all is wrong.

It might help to just give it time, really. I know that sounds kind of blah or silly, but time really often does help a lot, as does the time through life of observing people and culture and bias and seeing how much of it there is and how thin a leg it all stands on; how much its based in fear, rather than sound logic.

Have you tried making a list about this? maybe even starting the other way: as in, what you think is 'right" about being attracted to the OPPOSITE sex? Sometimes flipping sides in that kind of way can help us figure out where we're at a little better.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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tearsandlove
Neophyte
Member # 31265

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ok. here's my list

pros of being heterosexual:
as a whole society accepts you
more people can relate to your feelings
you aren't viewed as an "error"
closer relations w/ your family (not for everybody)
people don't use your orientation as an insult

I still think its wrong to be attracted to females and its been most of my life, is that not long enough??

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Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

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Hi tearsandlove [Smile] ,

Here are my comments to the points on your list. Different people would give you different answers, but here are mine:

[QUOTE]Originally posted by tearsandlove:
pros of being heterosexual:
as a whole society accepts you
While heterosexuality may certainly be more mainstream accepted, there are so many other reasons to feel rejected by "society": being non-white, disabled, foreign, non-religious, etc. I often get the feeling that intolerant, unkind people can always find some reason to not accept others. But tolerant, openminded people can find reasons to accept others.

more people can relate to your feelings
Hmm... while other queer people can certainly relate better to what you go through being gay, I think most feelings are universal. How are the feelings behind a same-sex crush/love/etc. any different from an opposite-sex one? Maybe someone can't quite relate to being attracted to someone with the same-gender, but s/he can relate to the excitement/love/disappointment/hurt/etc. surrounding it.

you aren't viewed as an "error"
Well, some groups may view homosexuality as an "error," but in my life at 23, I'm not encountering people who believe that (or at least who'd tell it to me.) And I'd certainly not tolerate being told this; I'd counter it, then choose to not be in their company.

closer relations w/ your family (not for everybody)
There are a lot of straight people who have crappy relations with their family. Sexual orientation can certainly add a new rift, but a lot of even seemingly "gay unfriendly" families can be more accepting/tolerant (be it over time.) Some people never open up to this, which is very unfortunate, but there are a lot of other supportive people out there.

people don't use your orientation as an insult
Definitely true and hurtful. But there are lot of other ways for people to insult, too. They're just dumb**es and their remarks can and should be called out, if possible.

I still think its wrong to be attracted to females and its been most of my life, is that not long enough??
OK, I want you to accept yourself and your attractions, because I not only think it's right, but because I don't want you to get down on yourself for it. I know where you're coming from somewhat, as I didn't want to accept being bisexual at first. But overtime I have and I'm quite happy with where I am.

I don't mean to diss your age, because your feelings are very real. But I know that dealing with sexuality as a teen can be really hard, because you can feel alone and lacking resources. Coming to terms with your sexuality can take time and work, just as accepting having a nose you think is funky or being talkative, etc. (To make some quick and uncareful analogies.)

Have you read the articles on the main Scarleteen site?
http://www.scarleteen.com/gaydar/articles.html

Have you poked around the other threads in Orientation and Identity and GLBT Relationships to see what other people are saying? To see there are a lot of people in the same exact situation. And to have fun with threads like "my first same sex crushes" [Smile] .

Would you be interested in contacting or attending a local gay-lesbian-bisexual-transgender-straight group, such as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)? If you give me a more specific location in Colorado (like Denver-area), I can look up some local resources for you.

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tearsandlove
Neophyte
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The thing is I HAVE accepeted being gay, I just think it's wrong. And I haven't exactly come out to my parents and have no intention of doing so for a long while so getting to meeting outside of school. I live in Boulder though.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Thing is, really, when you boil it all down to the simplest deal, something that is intrinsic to you, which you cannot control and simply is so, logically cannot BE wrong.

For example: I have a big nose. This wasn't up to me, it was up to my genes and circumstance. Feasibly, that nose is too large for my face by a given set of arbitrary standards. And if by a set of arbitrary standards, something is unusual or less-than-ideal, we'd presume it was "wrong," that'd be pretty silly, since it's right there, on my face, as it is, just like a million other kinds of noses. See what I mean? As a whole, society accepts those who are white more than those of color, too. Doesn't mean being of color is wrong: means society has an agenda.

Might also help to understand that 100% heterosexuality is NOT the norm. MOST people have SOME level of attraction to all genders. It's just that a majority of people --likely laregly due to being reared with a given set of cultural norms -- choose to partner with the opposite sex.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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