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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » am I a transsexual gay man?? (help me please!)

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Author Topic: am I a transsexual gay man?? (help me please!)
pockyqueen
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Member # 30161

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Hi... um. Sort of first post, so yeah... ^^;;

where to start? well, my journey through sexuality has been odd and confusing, starting with my first boy crush in preschool (I have no idea how that's even remotely possible, but it happened) followed closely by my first kiss (um. one sided kiss... initiated by me. victim was an unsuspecting girl) in kindergarten. Then I obsessed over a guys for a few years, failed to get over a guy for three years, during which I developed romantic interest in one of my best girl friends, flew off to another country for half a year to distance myself (and because of other factors), came back and came out as bisexual, fell in love with a girl literally two weeks later, obsessed over THAT (while becoming friends and secretly stalking her... no kidding, I didn't stalk her... much o_O) for little more than a year. This led to me coming out further and telling my friends that I was a lesbian.

Then, earlier this year, we were practicing a competitive drama scene together and it was from "Angels in America" (gorgeous play and also HBO tv movie), which subtitled "A Gay Fantasia on National Themes" and the issue of sexual identity was brought up. She mentioned that she thought she might be a transsexual gay man (because she was often mistaken for a guy and because she couldn't be a trans straight man... ouch). I didn't know what to think of her reasoning, but it did get me thinking about my own orientation.

While I did tell everyone that I was a lesbian (and the most common response was "didn't see it coming"), a while after I regretted the decision because even though I did adore this girl, I found that I was actually attracted to very few women. And the ones that I was attracted to, oddly enough, mostly either resembled men or radiated a masculine energy. Meanwhile, I felt myself drawn to other men... not exactly beef eating, beer slugigng ones, but you know, the sincere kind. So I still retained an interest in men, which I discovered maybe five months after coming out as a lesbian. Yikes. Bad choice.

Moreover, whenever I apply makeup or wear something definitely feminine, I subconsciously refer to it as "drag". And as I am somewhat flat-chested (typical Chinese build) and lacking curves, I will stand in front of the mirror sometimes and entertain the thought that I would be much happier as a man.

To add even more confusion to the mix, while I am charmed by a few guys, I can't bear the thought of being sexually involved with a man... UNLESS I AM ONE. Somehow, heterosexual relationships don't feel right to me. Like, now that I've semi-gotten over the girl, I'll be won over by a guy I meet, but then the thought of being with him, even just dating him, strikes me as wrong because I'm a girl. And meanwhile, though I am attracted to a few girls, I believe that, if I were a man, I really wouldn't want to do anything more than to befriend them.

What is going on with me??? I get so confused and depressed because I feel like I'm missing something. Please, if anyone has a clue where my sexuality is headed, HELP ME!

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"You almost look like a... a.... not a woman..." -- Oriental Occultist, The Incredibly Cool Club

Posts: 45 | From: a very nice, well-aerated closet | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
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I came up with a few things from your post that seem pretty relevant here. Please let me know if I've misunderstood anything.

1. You're attracted to women but not all women. This is perfectly normal -- no one is attracted to every member of any gender, no matter what their orientation.

2. You're also attracted to some men but do not want a sexual relationship with one.

So far this puts you at a Kinsey 4 or 5. Obviously this is pretty bare bones and certainly isn't set in stone.

3. Sometimes you think about being a man. I think everyone has thought about being another gender at some point. You're also getting your gender questions and your orientation questions unpleasantly intertwined. For right now, I think it would be very beneficial to work on what gender you identify as and how that affects your life. Once you're on more solid ground there, you can next work out who you're attracted to.

Do keep in mind that just because you identify as one gender doesn't mean you have to live up to the stereotypes associated with it. If a skirt and makeup feels like drag to you then you certainly don't have to wear them; however, if you enjoy drag you'll have a much easier time finding shoes that fit this way. [Wink]

Gender and orientation are what you make of them. You don't have to find a clearly defined box and put yourself in it. There's something to be said for just going with the flow and enjoying who you're attracted to, regardless of your gender, their gender, your orientation, etc. I'm not sure this will work for you right now since you seem to be looking for definitive answers but those are pretty hard to come by. Take some pressure off yourself if you can.

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mina
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Wow. Your story sounds a lot like mine. Even before I realized I was a lesbian, whenever I thought about being with a man, it felt wrong and weird...unless I was a man. And I know that if I was a man, I would be attracted to men, not women, even though as a female, I am attracted to other women. To me, hetrosexual relationships feel weird (I have nothing against hetrosexuals, its just not for me). I don't like wearing make up or other feminine things, I feel very uncomfortable, and when I was younger, my goal in life was to be a man (though at the time I didn't know what transexuals, homosexuals, ect. were..) I wanted to be a man...very much, and often still do.
Well...that didn't help you...Sorry...I just thought I'd tell you that I understand!

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In a city created with
a perfection calculation,
there is only one truth. I love you.

Posts: 31 | From: Washington | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Nailo
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Hm...well... I have had 2 transsexual friends, male to female. And their stories sound a lot like yours. One of them, for example, told me "When I was little, I would ask for boys toys for Christmas and then go pray to God to be a girl". The other one said "I realized I liked guys, and I asked myself if I was gay. Then I thought it'd be gross to be with a guy being a guy, but I still liked them. But then I thought of being with a guy as a girl, and I liked the idea". Sound somewhat familiar?

What they did was inform themselves about transsexuality. I would suggest going to a psychiatrist of psychologist. Both my friends got this "test" done, in which they had to answer a whole bunch of questions about themselves, and the results showed some indication of what kind of mentality you had, a male or a female. As for orientation, transsexuals can have any orientation. In fact, many "males" turn out to be transsexuals who want to be lesbian women! This is because they are still attracted to women. Of course, this is not always the case, and transsexuals can be bisexual, hetero, homo, or anything in between!

Definitely, don't go into decisions rashly. Always have a second opinion when a doctor tells you if you are or are not transsexual, as careless diagnosis can lead to catastrophe. The process is long, and it usually involves the person being "stealth", or commonly accepted as the sex they want to change into (dressing as such, acting that way, hormones...) for around 5 years, plus having therapy. After that, the possibility of a sex change operation is introduced.

Though I would love to tell you more, I myself have little info about the subject and would love to get informed. I highly suggest educating yourself about it (and if you find good information, post it so I can see it! [Wink] ) so you can see if this works or not for you. Good luck!

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

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logic_grrl
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Something to consider is that gender doesn't necessarily have to be binary.

There are women who may identify as masculine or butch, who may find that make-up etc. feels like "drag", or not feel comfortable being the "girl" in a relationship.

That doesn't automatically translate into identifying as "male" or wanting to transition and live as a man.

There are some people who identify as "androgynous" or don't necessarily think of themselves as either male or female.

So there's a whole spectrum of gender identity and expression possibilities - it's not just "I'm a man" or "I'm a woman".

That's one reason why people often use terms like "genderqueer" to describe a whole range of people who don't fit standard gender identities, whether they're specifically transsexual or not.

And you don't have to pin a label on yourself immediately - there's no deadline for deciding who you are [Smile] .

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"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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quote:
Moreover, whenever I apply makeup or wear something definitely feminine, I subconsciously refer to it as "drag".
This most certainly is NOT said to invalidate your feelings about gender identity at all, but I gotta tell you, a LOT of women I've talked to in my life and all over the globe feel like makeup and uber-high-femme presentation is drag (and in plenty of ways, it is).

Given, for some, it really doesn't feel that way: it feels very authentic to them. But I know it sure feels that way to me as a cisgendered woman, just like I know that when dating women, I've always had a very hard time with/an aversion to hyper-femme presentation because waking up in the morning with lipstick everywhere and a gf with plaster on her face DOES always feel strangely like sleeping with a drag queen to me.

One bit of food for thought that struck me in reading your post: it seems very much like your sexual attraction base keeps being a mirror of your own feelings about gender indentity. Can you separate those things? I suggest that because while they have (obviously) areas of interreleatedness, our gender identity and our sexual orientation are in many ways separate, so trying to figure each out, but only in relation to the other, can absolutely make things MUCH tougher to figure out, especially if maybe we're not in the right place to be able to figure when we're attracted to someone, or when we're admiring their presentation, if you get me.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
pockyqueen
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Member # 30161

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thanks for all of the feedback, everyone [Smile] I really appreciate it and one thing I'm definitely changing right now in my search for self is remembering to separate gender identity and sexual orientation...

meanwhile, to make one thing clear, when I said that stereotypically feminine things such as make up and skirts felt like drag, I didn't mean that I felt uncomfortable or awkward in it. I enjoy it to some extent, the same way a drag queen enjoys it. It feels like a costume, something I can be someone else in. It doesn't feel like "me", but it's still fun, like dressing up on Halloween. Am I making any sense? ^^;; Like, I'd love to do cosplay in something incredibly frilly and CLAMP-esque (for any otaku out there who know what I'm talking about ^^), but I twitch at the idea of wearing even a simple cotton skirt to class as myself. umm... yeah. I just thought I would explain that. hopefully I haven't confused anyone even further ^^;;

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"You almost look like a... a.... not a woman..." -- Oriental Occultist, The Incredibly Cool Club

Posts: 45 | From: a very nice, well-aerated closet | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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