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Author Topic: what do i do ?
kylie-s94
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I have a crush on a girl at school and have had these feellings towards her for quite a while , but lately the urge has got stronger and the fantasys more real , deep and sexual . I've never thourght of myself to be a lesbian , but i've never had a real boyfriend and havent done anything more than a kiss . Should i tell her how i feel or just leave it alone and keep my fingers crossed she feels the same way and sweeps me off my feet ?
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Heather
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People can have feelings for someone of the same or a similar gender and identify in all sorts of ways. You may or may not identify as a lesbian or find that feels right to you, but these feelings are separate from that.

I think what you need to figure out is if you feel okay disclosing your feelings to this girl and, if you're putting them out there to ask about pursuing a relationship, if a relationship with her is something you want now and feel ready for, including what that can mean in terms of your identity and how others react to it.

How do you feel about all of that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kylie-s94
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very unsure ! very nervous ! i dont understand why i'm so attracted to her , she is very pretty and has a smile that takes my breath away i'm soooo in love with her and she doesnt have a clue ! idont know if i can talk to her about the way i feel , i want to but i dont know what to say or how to say it . what if she turns me down or worse laughs and tells everyone , i dont think i could handle that . Arrrr HELP , please help
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Heather
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You know, often we're not going to be able to put our finger on why we feel attracted to other people. That's just often something we simply feel, but can't explain. We can usually better figure why we like someone -- what their qualities are we appreciate -- or love them than why we feel physically attracted to them.

By all means, just because we have feelings for someone doesn't mean they'll share them, and anytime we go to ask anyone out, them saying no is always a possibility. Someone also could always tell others we voiced feelings or asked them out.

So, if you don't think you could handle any of those possibilities, then it's usually best not to put yourself in a position where you might have to, and to wait until handling them feels more doable.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kylie-s94
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i masturbated over her this moring cause i have swimming practies with her . What would she think about that . Another girl pleasuring her self over her . I carnt be a lesbian i dont want to want other women . Why do i want her so bad it hurts ? Why do i want to expose my self to her in the showers when i have nothing to show , no bust no bum , what if she only likes women who shvave . I 've got nothing to offer anyone and carnt do anything about it . I want to stop my lesbian feelings and just be normal.
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Heather
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You know, there's nothing more or less normal about those who are lesbian. However, having feelings for one woman doesn't mean you are, just lie having feelings for one man wouldn't mean you were heterosexual. There are many ways to identify orientation, but it isn't about feelings for one person: it's about your sense of who, in general you find you are attracted to in life.

No one can possibly know what this girl would think of anyone, including you, having sexual fantasies about her, but that's also not something she'd have any sense of if someone didn't share her. No one can also know what her taste in women is like or her preferences, if she has any at all.

But feelings are only that: feelings. No one has to do anything about them they want to do, but we also can't control them, so how about not torturing yourself about this? We can't know the why of your feelings, just like you probably can't, but they only have to be as important as you want them to be, and this also isn't about what you do or don't have to offer any potential partners.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kylie-s94
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is they away i could get her attencen , a way i could put myself out there a way to catch her eye . Is there somthing lesbians do to stand out so other girls know ? What body signs are a good indaction that shes interested in you more than a friend?
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Heather
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Again, I'd not assume anyone here is lesbian. I don't think we know anything about this girl's orientation, and it sounds to me like you're very unclear on yours.

All the same, lesbian women, or bisexual women, or straight women who have a crush on women don't have any different ways of acting or behaving to express interest in someone else than everyone else does. There aren't secret codes or special ways of flirting for women interested in women. And people aren't usually going to be able to clearly communicate their feelings about you only with their bodies: it's words we really need to use to find out about that.

But last time we had an exchange, it was sounding like you felt pretty scared of these feelings, and also not at all ready to deal with possible rejection or anyone knowing you had these feelings. Has that changed over the last couple of days for you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kylie-s94
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no , nothings changed . But i carnt stop thinking about her , i fall asleep dreaming of her and then day dream about her . I spent saturday night trying everything on in my closset and doing my hair just woundering what jane would like to see me in . I stood naked in front of a mirror going over every inch of my body woundering is my vagina ugly , are my nipples to long why wont my breasts grow would she like what she sees would anyone like what they saw ? i tasted my self several times thinking is what its suposed to tast like is that what she'll tast like is that how its ment to tast . You probably think im stupid and wish i would stop wasting your time , but i just dont know what to do and dont have anyone to talk to about my feellings . How do you stop dreaming
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Heather
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I don't think you're stupid and I also don't think you're wasting anyone's time. You sound pretty freaked out and scared here, and you're asking for help. That's just taking care of yourself.

What I meant when I'd asked if anything changed, though, was if anything had changed in regard to you feeling scared about rejection or anyone finding out you had these feelings. I asked that because you asked how to get this person to engage with you: if those things still aren't things you feel ready to potentially handle, it might not be so wise to put yourself in any position where you have to. Know what I mean?

Is this the first time you've had strong sexual feeling/interest in someone else? I'm asking that because it sounds like it, but I'm also not sure if it's just that having these feelings about a woman is what's got you feeling so scared and insecure. Sometimes these feelings can feel scary when we first start to have them no matter who they're for.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kylie-s94
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thank you . Yes i'am so scared to be rejected to be called a lesbian to be an out cast . But in my dreams it feels so good so loving so beautiful to be in her arms to be with her it just feels so right .
Yes this is the first time i've had sexual feelings for anyone . All my friends have boyfriends exceped me , i have had but we really only held hands and kissed i never let him touch me . I'am not ugly , fat or even have any pimples , my friends say i'am cute and should have a b/f but the truth is i only want to be with jane .

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Heather
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You know, around here we know that people look all kinds of different ways and that there are a gazillion kinds of beautiful. So even if you were fat, did have pimples, or had whatever else going on that you thought classified as "ugly," we'd probably be in disagreement.

We also don't think there's anything wrong with being lesbian (or gay or bisexual or straight or questioning or anything on the spectrum of orientation). So, if someone was a lesbian, we wouldn't see being called that as a bad thing so long as it wasn't about someone trying to harass someone.

However, those first feelings, whoever they're for? By all means, they can feel seriously overwhelming and even frightening. But they're just feelings, I promise. (They also won't always feel so scary.) They can't hurt you or ruin your life or hurt anyone else or do anything at all, other than occupying your heart and your mind however they do. If and when you have those feelings for anyone and feel ready to try and put them into action, that's also often manageable.

But it's also important to recognize the difference between sexual fears and sexual fantasies and sexual realities. This girl may not have any sexual interest in you, in women, or in anyone. same goes for romantic interest. And how things feel with her in your dreams may have nothing to do with reality or may be, in fact, how it would feel. But who's to know, because I don't even know how well you know this person. It may also be that those dreams and feelings are about you actually feeling okay about sexual feelings on the whole, this first time you're having them, that are attached to her, but might not even be about her.

But if you don't feel ready for pursuing those feelings -- which always can include rejection or having others know who you have that interest in -- then you probably want to just keep your feelings to yourself for right now. All that social stuff and more that can go with dating is part of the deal, and there's often no escaping it. And in a world which is less accepting of same-sex/gender relationships, it can be a lot tougher, so if and when you don't feel super-resilient, you want to protect yourself.

Know what I mean with all of this?

In the meantime, you have some choices. You can distract yourself with other things or just let yourself feel and think how you are: again, these are your thoughts and feelings, they don't involve anyone else.

if you don't know this person well, you can certainly start by getting to know her as a friend. that might tell you more about her, but will also inform your feelings, so that what, right now, is probably mostly fantasy, can be something you can see and feel through more reality. For instance, if this person isn't even accepting of women who have feelings for other women, you can be pretty sure that feeling so right with her is not likely to be what the deal is in real life. Or, maybe you'll find out she is accepting, is a cool person, and may even have feelings for you like yours. Who knows, but to find that out, you have to at least get to know her, and you can start doing that as a friend, without doing anything that feels too scary or that you don't feel ready for.

[ 05-24-2011, 07:41 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kylie-s94
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i've been thinking about what you've said and your right . I do know jane i had water polo with her today , we lost by the way . i get so nervous around her my hart races i just want to throw myself into her arms and feel her body against mine . but i know i can fantasize and dream about what might be with out hurting anyone . I tested myself out last night on the internet and found that a naked womens image is what i like , what im sexually attracted to who i want to be with .sometimes when i cum my hole body shakes is there away to stop that?
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Stephanie_1
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Actually, that's pretty normal per how reactions go. It's a full body release - and especially dealing with your brain and nervous system, so it's something you'll need to become accustomed to.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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kylie-s94
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how often should i masturbate or how much is to much ? i usually do it every morning and sometimes in the shower or when im going to bed so i quiet often do it 2-3 times a day .
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Heather
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There's no one right frequency for masturbation for everyone.

Whatever your right frequency is is really about what feels right to you, and if however often you're masturbating fits with the rest of your life. Like, is it keeping you from other things you want or need to do?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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iforgot
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where can i ask my own questions

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Im so confused I Need some help

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