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Author Topic: Double life, anyone?
TenohSetsuna
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Alright, I was thinking today about how basically I've got two different lives in two different places. At school, I'm so hidden behind old shoes and ancient comic books in my closet that even if the entire school decides to take out all the shoe boxes I'm staying in there and never coming out(my school is one of the most homophobic places I've ever seen. It's truly sad). But at rowing--yes, in a boat, on water-- I've got a clear plastic door: if anyone asks, I won't lie, yet I don't ask the coxswain to announce it.

I've got this double life, which I classify like this:
[real name]'s straight, whereas Haruka(that's my nickname, and what folks at rowing call me) is a lesbian with no rainbows. I was just wondering if anyone else has this situation.
---Haruka

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"I never said I was a boy." - Tenoh Haruka, episode 92, Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon


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-Jill
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I don't really have a double life but sometimes I wonder. In my opinion I'm fairly obvious about my sexuality but I rarely say the words "I'm bi," to anyone. Surprisingly often this results in my chatting about some sort of rights issue or how much I enjoyed the festival I went to this summer with someone who believes without a doubt that I'm straight. For awhile I just thought they had picked up on it but didn't give it a second thought - until (on more than one occasion) I heard someone assuring others that I had no interest in girls. It's way too funny.
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jazzpenguin
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I think everyone's like that a bit. I know that with some friends I'm out and that's it; other's I'm a very open homosexual. I don't think there's a problem with this, although it could lead to a few sticky mental problems, eg: you forget which people know and which don't. I try to act the same around everyone, at least I hope so.

Ah well.

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jz


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kythryne
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Looking back, it seems like I just gradually went from leading a double life like you describe to having both worlds smoothly integrated for the most part. There are still some people with whom I don't talk about my sexual orientation, because it's either not relevant to the conversation or because it would be nothing short of idiotic to disclose it, but for the most part, it's just quietly a part of my life. I usually make no effort to either hide it or reveal it -- I just am.

That's what's comfortable for me, though. Some people just aren't comfortable being out at all, and others aren't comfortable unless they're out in the most obvious of ways. And it's taken time for me to get where I am -- time to become comfortable with the idea of being queer, time to get away from homophobic people and find people who are comfortable with me, time to learn to keep my head up and just keep walking when a scary-looking guy in a pickup truck hisses "freak!" at me and my partner when we're walking into the grocery store. (Yes, folks, I live in the deep south.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it can get better -- it just takes time and courage, but it's entirely possible to integrate both worlds if that's what you want.

Kyth

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Kythryne
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"The only unnatural sexual act is that which you cannot perform." - Alfred Kinsey


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sapphirecat
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I suppose you could think of it that way.

I'm registered with the Boy Scouts. As far as they (and anyone in my hometown except my mom) know, I'm straight as an arrow(tm) and otherwise normal.

Here at UB, I'm starting to get involved with the LGBTA. If word about that gets around, maybe I'd get kicked out (of the boy scouts) because nobody would bother to ask if I was actually gay.

Whatever happens, crossdressing is a deeper part of me than the boy scouts, so if they turn out to be mutually exclusive, I know which one will go.

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Sapphire Cat
You can love me or hate me, but it won't change who I am.


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BJadeT
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Like quite a lot of people, I seem to have a double life online and in real life. There's no one whom I'm 'out' to in real life (because I've only just come out to myself), but online there are quite a few people or 'communities' that do know (and this one is my favourite!)
Because I have my diary online, and some 'friends' online, this is where I can be the real me. That's very helpful when you come from a family like mine.

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Confused boy
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For me, my online life seems to be slowly converging with elements to my real world life. The first person I know in real I came out to as bi through an instant messenger which just about epitomises it. Then there was a drunken discussion a week later (do not underestimate the power of alcohol to bring friends closer), in which one of my friends said he thought he was gay, and I said I was probably bi.

Naturally, the information is diffusing throughout the more liberally minded part of the school with some interesting variations on the truth! It seems to be be going quite well and I dont feel a need to force the point in any way. My parents would probably be ok with knowing about this but I dont feel a desire to tell them, especially since I am not even certain what I am yet!

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'An Anarchist is a Liberal with a bomb' Trotsky


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Milke
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When it doesn't seem safe to tell, you usually shouldn't, and I think that's why so many teens are so much in the closet at school. My highschool was more tolerant than many, but I'd never have encouraged anyone to come out there. However, when you're in an environment where it's openly okay to be gay, it feels a lot better letting people know, and really, it's healthy to have some place where you don't feel like you have to hide. It's just too bad there aren't more of them.
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Hotbuttered101
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I'm basically with BjadeT. Totally open online, totally not otherwise. I'll dig my way out of my closet eventually. Just as soon as I gather up enough courage and find a map to the door.*starts searching*
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Buttercup
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I'm also very open about my sexuality in online communities, whereas few people in my real life know. It's not that I'm scared to leave the coziness of the warm closet, it's just that I'm worried that if the army found out I won't be drafted. I don't really trust the fine establishments of my country since I found out that they don't want people who had sex with people of the same gender to donate blood. Online I can be anonymous enough to not have to worry about that sort of thing, and I also have great people to talk to about it.

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.


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Hotbuttered101
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Buttercup...I've got a friend online, Nirut, who is basically in the exact same position. She's bi and she's going to the (Israeli) army soon (wants to be a pilot) but she knows that being anything but straight is looked down upon and one may even be discriminated on. She says she's just going to lay pretty low in that department. I suppose there's nothing else you can do.
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Hotbuttered101
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*Nurit*
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Buttercup
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I'm glad you got my name right the second time around, Kim...

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.


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Hotbuttered101
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Hey Nurit...Didn't know you hung out here
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Buttercup
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I got to TeenFX from here, actually. If my memory serves me right (something which it rarely does) you were the one who posted the link.

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.


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CursedBurger
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Tenoh: How do I put this? ... YES.
At school, I try to avoid conversations - maybe because I give a little info about myself whenever I speak. I'm in 8th grade (Middle school), and I'm a guy, if anyone was wondering. I know that AT LEAST one of my closest friends is a homophobe. (He asked me if I was gay once. I hate having to lie, but sometimes you just have to... I might come out some time in high school.)

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TenohSetsuna
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I don't mean to nitpick, but please don't call me Tenoh. It's TenohSetsuna, but no sweat. I've got a friend who's homophobic as well. Now, of course, I swear that he's queer, because my gaydar acts up when he gets within 10 yards(warning, warning: homophobe approaching. Warning, warning: he's gay. Warning, warning: computer is confused). Lying sucks. But high school.... Gee, that might end up being a good experience if I don't end up being forced to go to that Episcopalian school my parents are so keen on.

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"I never said I was a boy." - Tenoh Haruka, episode 92, Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon


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Dude_who_writes
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My double life is sort of a defense mechanism. I had a close friend of mine come out at the school that I attend, and the results were less than satisfactorily. While I'm thinking about it, I should also mention that another close friend of mine, who happens to be female, also came out and the results for her were much better than his. I suppose that the people that I attend school with are better with lesbianism than they are with homosexuality.

Anyway, like I was trying to say, I see my double life -- hell, I'll call it a triple life and I'll explain why in just a moment --- as sort of a defense mechanism. Basically, there are three levels to me -- and truth-be-told, I hate it, but it's just the way that it is --

1. You're an Outsider or an not-so-trusted friend. You know nothing but what you speculate. This is where my parents fall.
2. You're getting closer to the inner circle. You're trusted enoguh that I feel that if I let it slip, then I'm pretty sure you'd be ok with it.
3. You're on the inner circle. You're one of the people that I've actually told. You're very trust worthy. Secure admitance only .

I consider my best friends, and oddly enough, even though I don't truly, truly know you guys, the people here at Scarleteen to be on the inner circle. I hold nothing back with the people who have reached that level. These are the ones that I can talk with (seriously) about difficulties in masturbation and the guy or girl that I'm lusting after or... maybe even in love with .

That's my life in a nutshell, or my triple-life, I suppose (that sounds strange).


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Tim
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"Read the Bible again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks." --"Serendipity," Dogma

"...I want to walk through life rather than being dragged through it."
- Alanis Morissette


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froggish
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Hey, yeah, I totally live a double life. It's weird, it's not even so much about who knows and who doesn't know that I (mostly) like girls, but more in how I act around them. There are some people who I can say "dammnnnn, she's hot" without them batting an eye...and then there are the people who I maybe came out to in a flippant way (like saying "yeah...boys aren't really my type " and either they get it or they don't...). Um, yeah. Most of the time it has more to do with shyness and being a rather private person than it does with being a coming out issue.
Um, yeah, that was *so* on topic...right...

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~*frog*~


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goldengreeny Queeny
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I think, until I come out to everyone close to me, I'll be leading a double life. For example, some of my friends from high school don't know I'm bi, although three of my closer ones do - and two of them are, too.

Meanwhile, everyone I live with here in university knows - and there isn't a person in my house who hasn't looked at a member of the same sex, I actually live with a f/f couple - and some people who ask me I will tell.. but if you don't ask, I generally don't tell. I had a girl make a pass at me (Sept. 11th - she had crappy timing) and when I was like "um, no thanks" she demanded to know if I liked girls. And I said I did (I just didn't want her checking to see if my pants had just tore a hole in the crotch in a public, family restaurant, thanks).

My parents don't know, although my mom has tried to surprise me into admitting I'm gay. Surprise doesn't work on me. (I hate surprises.) My mother is so pushy about it - she's been making jokes about me being a lesbian since before I like anyone of either gender, and the jokes are inevitably along the lines of "if you ever want to give your father a heart attack...". Not exactly encouraging.

It's no fun, and it feels like I'm deceiving people I care for. For example, when I told a friend who doesn't know I'm bi, about the girl who made a pass at me (and proceeded to stalk me, but that's a different issue), she was like: "but you told her you weren't interested in other girls, RIGHT?" I wasn't actually expecting it from her, since she seems pretty open-minded. And then again, her best friend, who is very devoutly religious, agreed with me when I was trying to test the water with the comment that if I met my soulmate and we were the same sex, I wouldn't pass up the opportunity because of it.

It's hard to tell who to tell, you know?

Once you start coming out, it's hard to stop. I've gotten used to people knowing; I don't like having to watch what I say, who I look at, around certain people.

Of course, it could be worse. My best friend from high school has a girlfriend now, and her parents don't know she's bi. (Although her brother does, and I think he is too..) Her girlfrind spent a few days at her house this Christmas (unfortunately after I left, because I would have liked to see them as a couple, finally :> ). I can't imagine how hard that must have been. Even though neither of them are particularly prone to physical shows of affection, it was probably hard.

So, yes, we lead double lives. Some of us don't have different names for them. ;p But they're there all the same.

What really sucks is when someone you like lets you be all cuddly with them, and then remarks that the'd be worried if it was anyone else but you, but you're weird that way.
*frustrated wilt*

Steel Queen

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fizz
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I don't have a double life really. everybody knows about me being bi except for my parents. I think I may end up telling them soon, anyway. I feel as if I'm living a lie by not telling them. once you all tell your friends, I bet you'll feel a lot better. I did.

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I'm a chick who likes chicks.


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kouseiya
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Unfortunately, some people (like me) don't have a choice about lying. If you want to survive, you have to lie. I live in a small town, where people are extremely closed minded, both to religion and sexuality. One of the teacher's I had last year openly admitted to being biased against gays. You can imagine having to sit through his class everyday for a year. The rest of the faculty is almost as bad. I've been threatened with suspension due to arguments with teachers over religion (once because a substitute told the principal I was a Satanist, which I'm not, and shouldn't have gotten in trouble for even if I was; and once because I verbally retailiated when a teacher said my (religious) "opinions" are wrong.)
Several of my 'friends' are homophobic, so I have to watch what I say and do, and try to 'act' straight. I've gotten migraines from having to deny being gay when someone jokes about it; or worse, when everyone's taking turns making jokes about 'fags', and everyone turns to me because it's my turn to make a joke. Not saying anything would be like putting up sign that says "I'm queer; Please kick my ass" on my back. Usually I'll say something macho about lesbians being cool, but I feel bad for not sticking up for myself. So, to keep from being a social outcast, I trade my pride for hypocrisy. Why be friends with people like that? They're the only people who tolerate my
religious beliefs, and at my school, you need someone watching your back. Why? The football team. The faculty turns a blind-eye when they threaten, hit, steal from, or sexually harrass someone. The thing that pisses me off the most is that they constantly put me down for being gay (they don't really know I am) when their friends are around, then make passes at me and my friends when they're alone.
As for my family; My mom is a conservative Christian, and when I DID try to come out to her several years ago, she said I was "confusing admiration for attraction." My dad is somewhat more open minded, but has a thing about being 'a REAL man', and continuing the family name. (He freaked out when I painted my nails black, which had more to do with my religion than sexuality.) My sister is probably the first relative I will come out to. She has made subtle remarks about me being 'fruity', and I think she knows (at least suspects) that I'm gay.
I did tell one of my online friends (I knew her in R/L, but moved to a different town) I was gay, but since I wouldn't come out into the open like she had, she stopped talking to me. I think that's the biggest problem with coming out, people either don't want you to, or they want you to do it at THEIR pace, not yours. So next time you feel like a loser for not coming out, remember; there's a difference between acting smart and being a coward.
Sorry for this being so long, but I had a lot on my mind.

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Munchy
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quote:
Originally posted by kouseiya:
(...I painted my nails black, which had more to do with my religion than sexuality.)

Not to pull this thread off topic, but I'm just curious as to why painting your nails black has anything to do with your religion. I'll admit I don't know much about a lot of different religions, so I'm really wanting to know.

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Munchy, the Munchkin, the Monchichi


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kouseiya
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Munchy:

Awhile ago I decided to do a self-initiation into my religion (I call it my religion for lack of a better term, since it's a mixture of several neopagan religions). I painted my fingernails on my left hand, which is the body part associated with Mercury. I chose black nail-polish because of it's connection to Saturn. Anyway, I painted them to symbolize my acceptance of a new spiritual path. I hope that answers your question.


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Munchy
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Ah, cool, thanks! Sure does.

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Munchy, the Munchkin, the Monchichi


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TenohSetsuna
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Kouseiya? As in Seiya Kou? As in Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon? *looks hopeful* Are you an otaku?

I'm sorry your life sucks so much. Honest. This girl joined my crew team today and the first thing she tells me is that everyone calls her a dyke, even her own mother, and it's just driving her nuts, and, and... and a lot of the people in this world are dirty little ****************s who should be strung up to dry. The world is so damn messed up. *wanders off rambling about how she's going to beat up the homophobes in kouseiya's town*

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"I never said I was a boy." - Tenoh Haruka, episode 92, Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon


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kouseiya
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Yep. Kou Seiya as in Sailor Starfighter. Otaku? I recognize the word but I'm not sure what it means. I don't speak much japanese except 'baka!' and '(Name)-chan'. *Sigh* Subtitled eps for me. Ever notice that the Soldier of Revolution's attack is "DEAD Scream", while the Soldier of Death's attack is "Death Reborn REVOLUTION"? Strange, ne?

Oops. Sorry for getting off topic. I just get excited when I meet another BSSM fan.

Hehe! I bet you could take on the homophobes.
They're only a problem when they have 15 of their friends against 1 person. They're not exactly known for bravery (or intellect, for that matter).
Hopefully I'll move to a bigger town soon, so I won't have to put up with them. Who knows, maybe I'll even find a boyfriend.
Even if I don't move, in 2 years I'm off to college anyway, so I'll just tough it out untill then.

Sorry about the girl on your crew. People should respect each other more, regardless of race, sex, age, religion, preference, or whatever. I almost feel guilty for being Republican. ALMOST. :P


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snarlkitty
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Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon! My favorite anime ^_^


I love Haruka *swoon*


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TenohSetsuna
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*jumps up and down* Sailormoon fans! Wahoo! Girl Seiya(for all you non-otakus, the anime--cartoon--made the Starlights magical transsexuals--long story, don't ask) is so hot. An otaku is an anime freak, it's a diss in Japan, but in English-speaking countries it's a badge of pride, so to speak. BTW, Sailorpluto is also the senshi of time. I love anime, especially Sailormoon. (down with the English dub--they made lovers into cousins!) Haruka? She's my namesake, to some extent. I see where snarlkitty's coming from. You know Setsuna? Sailorpluto? She's mine. You can't have her, 'cause she's all mine. So's Rei and Minako, too, for that matter, and girl Seiya. Don't get me started on other animes, I'd be listing everyone that's mine for ages. Arashii is most definitely mine, though.

Homophobes are incredibly stupid. One today said that gays have no brains. I don't understand his logic, especially since said homophobe watches lesbian porn. Damn hypocrite. And then the whole class ganged up on me and told me the Bible condemmed homosexuality. I don't think they've even read it, from the way they were talking. And the little *************** in gym called me a she-male... I'm full of rancor today. I missed rowing because of it. I'm so incredibly angry at the little ***********s in my class. Grrr....

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"I never said I was a boy." - Tenoh Haruka, episode 92, Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon

[This message has been edited by TenohSetsuna (edited 01-23-2002).]


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kouseiya
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Ugh! Bible-illiterate 'preachers' piss me off! I have the same problem, except it's cause of my religion. Now, if you want to get those homophobes off your back about "God's word", here's some ammo to put them in their place. The Bible speaks against gays, but it also:
1-Says uncircumsized men should be abandoned by their family/community.
2-Says to kill all 'witches', which really means anyone of a different religion.
3-Commands that anyone who works on Sunday (the Sabbath) should be executed.
4-Shows God's approval of killing innocent people (Including infants!), repeatedly throughout the book.
5-It also says that 'cripples' should not enter a church.

There ya go. Next time they whip out a "Bible" quote, give them a lesson in what God ALSO says. That'll shut them up. Or make them admit they're the bigots we all know they are! If you want more verses, go to http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/

"Sorry if I offended anyone, but they offended me first."

Gotta go! Take care people.


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TenohSetsuna
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Yeah, well, the folks in my class can't get past the "thou shalt not lie with a man as you would a woman" thing. I keep on telling them that's reffering to sex, which doesn't equate to God hating gays. And to top it all off, I'm going to hell now, too, just because I'm an atheist. Oh, hooray. It's becoming such that I thing hell might be more interesting than heaven, what with all the folks I know who seem to be heading there. Damn morons. One guy even brought in a Bible to show me all this. That would be the same guy who watches lesbian porn. *kicks the homophobes where the sun don't shine for being hypocrites*

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I don't want eternity. But Arashii is mine.

"I never said I was a boy." - Tenoh Haruka, episode 92, Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon


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Fiffy_Is_Strange
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I am bi online and straight at school. Some of my good friends know, though.
Posts: 3 | From: Gahanna, OH USA....YEAH! | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hotbuttered101
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Hey TenohSetsuna. About the whole 'Thou shalt not lie with a man as you would with a woman' thing...There is a hectic debate going on at www.teenfx.com about this and there are some brilliant points. It has something to do with 'wasting' sperm. Also...It says nothing about woman. The reason for this is that when woman have sex, be it with a man or woman, she does not waste eggs. I really suggest everyone check it out in the 'gender preference' section found in 'Sex and Love.' Just a warning...It's not moderated...People basically say what they want to. It's really worth a look.
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TenohSetsuna
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Thanks. I'm arguing this same point on A Sailor Moon Romance (www.moonromance.com), in their discussion boards, because I think its lots of fun. Its under Critical Thinkers Anonymous, the thread's called "Gay and Bisexual v. Homophobics" or something like that. I love arguing, especially when people are so willing to argue back and never quit.

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I don't want eternity. But Arashii is mine.

"I never said I was a boy." - Tenoh Haruka, episode 92, Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon


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indigodazed
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I suppose I lead a little bit of a double life. Most of my friends know. I never really did the whole "coming out" thing, people just sort of know. Either they've asked me, or I've mentioned it in a conversation or something. A lot of them are gay or bi themselves, so it was never that big of a deal. So I guess I'm fairly out in school. I don't flaunt my gay-ness, but I've got my rainbow jewelry, etc. If anyone asks me, I'll tell them, I just don't feel the need to "come out." So, around them I am completely myself.

I've never told my parents directly. I'm pretty sure they've figured it out though. I know that they're perfectly comfortable with it. If I ever told them, I doubt they'd even bat an eye. I'm pretty much myself around them, I just don't go out of the way to mention that hot girl in my French class.

I haven't told any of my other relatives. A lot of them are pretty conservative. I know they wouldn't disown me or anything, but they'd be pretty disapprooving. It'd be awkward, and I'd be looked down upon. They still pester me about why I don't have a boyfriend. I really don't want to tell my grandparents. They'd go in to cardiac arrest. So to my other relatives, I'm a perfectly "normal" straight girl.


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