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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » betrayal

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Author Topic: betrayal
Rizzo
Activist
Member # 802

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Have you ever felt betrayed when someone went over to the "other side"? I can remember, when I primarily identified as lesbian, thinking that a lesbian who ever related with men sexually was a phony. I felt superior.

And now look at me... relating sexually with a man. Have I betrayed my gay and lesbian friends? I know it's silly to believe that any aspect of your identity is set in stone, but I still can't help but feel that I'm looked down upon.

I feel that I have betrayed some straight people, too. There are a few boys I turned down because I felt attracted only to girls at the time. Now I feel guilty when they see me with my boyfriend. I know I'm allowed to change my mind, but....sigh.

I'd like to hear anyone else's experiences with these sorts of feelings.


Posts: 582 | From: Montreal, Quebec, Canada | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Actually, I haven't but that's because I have never seen sexuality or orientation as being two-dimensional or even having "sides."

That may be because I have always been pansexual, it may be because I personally think the Kinsey Scale is more accurate than homo/het/bi, or it may be because I have just always been so exposed to so many diverse representations of sexuality that I just know better.

And absolutes very rarely work with anything, let alone with human conditions like sexuality.

If a friend of yours has a 'stake" in your sexual choices, I'd say that's a serious issue to look at, because it doesn't say very positive things about that friendship.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rizzo
Activist
Member # 802

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I also think the Kinsey scale is more accurate than the limited categories we use for convenience sake. I have long thought that the majority of people are bisexual to some extent.

I have also been surrounded by people with many different sexual orientations, some not easily definable.

However, it feels to me as though the feelings I described are encouraged by the gay, as well as the straight community. Understandably, when I was younger and more impressionable, I considered people from the gay community role models, and subscribed to their beliefs. I think it's natural for young people with emerging queer tendencies to want others to be like them. They might feel threatened by straights, and see things in terms of sides. I'm not saying that's the right way to think, but I think it's pretty common. Like most issues, I believe it gets easier to see things in a less black and white way as you get older.

I just wanted to know if others had ever felt guilty for "changing sides", or if anyone has ever judged someone for it. How can you get out of this mindset, or deal with others' reactions?


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I have to also -- though I wish I didn't -- concur with you Rizzo, in that that sort of weird sexual dichotomy mentality is often pervasive in both the gay and straight communities. And that stinks, flatly.

And I think you;re right -- as you grow a little older and more comfortable with your own sexuality AS your own, it gets easier. And in the meantime, I find honesty is actually an aid in almost anything. And that includes telling people that you feel excluded and hurt because of claiming the sexual identity that is right for you, and since you value those people's feelings and opinions, that is incredibly difficult on you.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein


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Hanne
Sexpert
Member # 100

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Oh, hell, yes. I think almost any bi person has had some experience with this on some level... whether it's people being "confused" when you go from being (as they see it) "straight" if you're with an opposite sex parther to "gay" when you're with a same-sex partner, or people in the queer community calling you a fencesitter or accusing you of being bi so you can partake of heterosexual privelige.

Personally, I find it highly annoying, specious, and superficial. And I poke at people who give me a hard time. Being a high-femme bi woman lets me confuse the hell out of the straight people who assume that high femme means I'm heterosexual (all I have to do is *say* the word "queer"), lets me confuse the hell out of the dykes who assume the same thing, and being unapologetic about who and what I am means that I tend to leave a lot of people scratching their heads but well aware that there isn't a damned thing they can do about me, so they just have to find some way to cope.


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Hanne Blank
Co-Editor, Scarleteen

Start a Revolution -- Stop Hating Your Body!


Posts: 1538 | From: boston, ma, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rizzo
Activist
Member # 802

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Aww gee Miz Scarlet, is it really so bad to have to agree with me? Just kidding, I know what you mean
Posts: 582 | From: Montreal, Quebec, Canada | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey, we've agreed plenty, Rizzo.

And I actually find it very interesting how on some levels, types of people who are in some ways very similar can have such different opinions and experiences.

And I'm always glad to see you posting here, for the record. You're a cherished member of this community, girl.

Chin up.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein


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Rizzo
Activist
Member # 802

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Shucks! All I can say is "aw!"
Posts: 582 | From: Montreal, Quebec, Canada | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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