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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » a clusterfuck of a situation (pardon my French)

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Author Topic: a clusterfuck of a situation (pardon my French)
pyrotech
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So anyway, I've been best friends with this guy for years, (obviously not gonna use real names so let's call him Eddie) Eddie's pan, I'm bi, he's never shown interest in me as far as I can tell but the truth is...I've been in love with him for a long time, but I didn't want to risk losing him altogether so I kept it hidden. Although lately I have wanted too tell him. See, he's been in an online relationship with this girl, (let's call her Kim) throughout the relationship (it's been about almost half a year now I think?) she has been on and off treating him like shit, so badly that several times he called our bestie at 1-3am, crying so hard he could barely be understood. Our bestie tried to convince Eddie to leave Kim several times but he refused. I honestly hate Kim and I want Eddie to stop seeing her because eventually she is going to destroy him. But I'm honestly not sure what to do: Actually try and convince him to leave her for me, or just stand back and be a safety net? I don't honestly know weather to follow my head or my heart...

[ 07-17-2013, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: pyrotech ]

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Cheers!
Pyro.

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Heather
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Well, I think this is a situation where it's clear you already know you have a bias here and your own agenda.

In other words: YOU want to be seeing this guy. You're not. Kim is seeing this guy.

Mind, you may still be able to see clearly she's treating him poorly, but I don't see trying to "convince" anyone to leave someone to be with you as a healthy route for either of you. Nor that this is likely a sound time to ask this person to get romantically involved with you. (Especially since he's obviously in something that sounds crummy, and doesn't want to leave it, or lacks the skills to do that right now, so rebounding right off all that would likely not result in a great relationship regardless.)

Have you already just backed up your bestie here and said you're worried about him, and that this relationship seems destructive?

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pyrotech
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(mispost)

[ 07-17-2013, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: pyrotech ]

--------------------
Cheers!
Pyro.

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pyrotech
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No, my bestie did it by himself, he never asked for my help at all. (out of everyone he's kinda the mentor of the group) It's gotten to the point where he's just done trying and is just sitting back to help Eddie back up when this finally ends.

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Cheers!
Pyro.

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Heather
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Right, but have YOU said anything, since you agree with said bestie, your romantic interest aside?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pyrotech
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I haven't said anything to Eddie personally, but have spoken with our friend about it, and romantic interest be dammed I just don't want to see him get hurt anymore

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Cheers!
Pyro.

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Heather
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So, how about saying something about your concern for him WITHOUT also loading on how you feel and that you want a romantic relationship with him?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pyrotech
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I've thought about it though our friend said something and his friendship with Eddie is pretty rocky now, I don't want the same thing to happen here

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Cheers!
Pyro.

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Victori
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Pyro, I would suggest putting your romantic feelings on the back burner, maybe letting them boil down and simmer so that you can figure out how to help your friend Eddie as just a friend and seeing no other (romantic) relationship options coming from it.

In your situation, if you really care for him as a friend I believe it would be best to either express to him how much it pains you to see him in such a rocky relationship even if it means he pushes you away for it, or just be there to catch him when he falls, but don't hurt yourself in the process of helping him out. If you do choose to show your concern for his welfare in his current romantic Kim-relationship and he pushes you away for it, he's too far gone to begin with, but you can still let it be known you're there to help (if you feel you can and/or still want to)Or if you choose to be a shoulder to lean/sob on, remember to know how much of him you can bear before upsetting yourself.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I know what it feels like to be stuck between being an active, vocal friend that they may hate for that or a friend with open arms and a closed mouth. Just don't keep any anger for Eddie or Kim, and don't wear yourself out trying to be there for him.

I hope I didn't just spout pointless, counter-productive, nonsensical ranting. Or in other words, most of luck, Pyro, hope it all turns out for the best.

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pyrotech
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It's been a while and I thought I should give an update. Kim told Eddie it's over a few days ago. He took it hard, but he's getting over it, and I'm there to help and he's doing better, it does help that a girl in his creative writing class is flirting with him, giving him self esteem and all. Our bestie still isn't talking to him though, he's willing to talk, but Eddie's parents aren't happy with our bestie right now. So it'll be difficult. Everything's not back to normal, but it's getting there. Thanks for all your concern and advice in this matter. It was extremely helpful and I appreciate it.

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Cheers!
Pyro.

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