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Author Topic: straight crush
loneranger
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Member # 78998

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"i sorry but this is going to be pretty long
i am in a residential medical school in India .i am 21 years old... and i have a huge crush on a senior ( she is 23 )from the past 3 years.

.she came to know i like her through my friends....(and a stupid letter i wrote a year and half back ).(she talked to me and asked me not to feel so awkward around her and gave me her phone number ..but i know she does not like me )

i know its no good pursuing a straight crush because it ain't going anywhere ....but i don't know some times i just have this feeling that may be some part of her likes me.... ( i should tell you she is STRAIGHT and all girly girly with all her flowers .. dats why i like her [Wink] ..)( and me i am tomboyish and i certainly hate flowers unless its assocciated with her ) i mean some times well everytime we pass each other she keeps looking at me but when ever we make eye contact ..she turns away and totally ignores me........ i text her some quotes or jokes sometimes ..she replies ..some times she just ignores me........but she makes me do lot of computer work for her ( i am her computer nerd )then she completely ignores me.....i know she uses me a lot......sometimes she talks to me ... but in front of her class mates ... i really dont exist....but recently suddenly she is again texting me and sending messages on fb .....( apparently i have similar likes as of her sister ) and again she ignores me in front of her friends .... i felt disgusted with myself ..and swore not to let her get to my head ... but i think i am falling in love with her .(.i know its cheesy) .. but a little more everyday...
i know i made her sound like a bitch but ....i dont know she she is just so beautiful with her flowery everything and her girliness and her lovely voice ..her confidence...the way she carries herself... i just go mad..........i tried blocking her thoughts in my head but today i saw her picture when she was 6 months old... GOD! she was so adorable!! i felt so bad that ... i was a girl [Frown]

if only i were a guy may be she would love me [Frown] ... < and may be we would someday have a girl as beautiful as the tiny angel in that pic .. i know i am pathetic>
i cant get her out of my head ..heck even during my exams if i ask my self whats the answer to something ...her name comes up 10 times before the right answer.... i know she keeps messing with me ... i just dont know how to fall out of love... cant there be any chance that maybe she likes me too ( i know she hates me and thinks i am a freak ....and feels awkward around me [Frown] ....)

is there a way to fall out of love !!!( i really wish there was )

( not to forget that i live in the most homophobic place on earth
she intially thought i liked her because i wanted to be like her...... i think she figured out that i like her like her [Smile]
well i dont have any gay lesbian support groups and all the docs iknow are very very homophobic .......this is the first time i am coming out to people that i like girls (except one person on another site who suggested this site )..........not even my BFF .......i'm sure she stongly suspects i am gay ........) ( not a good thing here )

its really k if you dont know what to reply
i have been trying for 3 years for one
no luck there
just a little prayer every night that may be she will like me tomorrow and (may be she will come in my dreams )

she is leaving in 6 months forever ...... i mean from college....i mean she's gonna be out of my life .. just like that like she never was there ( ok i am ending before this becomes even more pathetic )

thanks for reading such a lot of BS

love

medicalqueer"

--------------------
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;

Posts: 94 | From: Hyderabad | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Moire O'Searcaigh
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If she's leaving, and you really like her, you should tell her. Even if you risk her hating you because of your homophobia. You never know. You might find she likes you, and if she doesn't she'd be out of your life and you would at least have closure.
Posts: 17 | From: Northern Ireland | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BrightStar171
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medicalqueer, I just want to say that I'm really sorry you're hurting over this.

I also want to mention something Moire above maybe didn't consider. If your only risk is of her hating you, then maybe you should go ahead and tell her, but you're in a better position judge your actual physical and personal safety than we are. If telling her your feelings is something that could expose you to violence or serious financial hardship (you said in another post that your parents would react very badly - maybe violently; I'm not totally sure what you meant - if they found out you were queer), then you should (obviously) think of your safety first. (As in, ask yourself, is this girl a safe person to come out to, someone who won't tell other people or gossip about me?)

I'm curious, though- you say that you know she doesn't like you, and that you know she hates you and thinks you're a freak- how do you know these things? Has she actually told you, or are you making assumptions about what you think most people would think?

Posts: 100 | From: Virginia, USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
loneranger
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Well umm . . . My parents are very traditional and have this feeling that being anything out of the way is against god's will . . . We are from a very closely knit community religiously and i really believe in god but i turned out to be a lesbian . . So i am not really sure how well they would take that [Smile] ( they would just force me to marry a guy ) . I cannot come out to anyone i know because i dont know really how people would react . But i have heard their take on gays and lesbians and they are very homophobic and so thats out of option . Unless i try to study well and get a postgrad seat in the US (long way from that dream) . . . . Coming to my "girl" . Well i told her i really really like her . . . (not that i had a crush on her) . . . She reacted . . Like well she just ignored me a lot after that . . . Used to become very uncomfortable when i enter a room . . . I assumed she hates me so i did not persue it . . . . Then suddenly out me the blue she starts texting me and talking to me and asking favours which i go really out of the way (some projects ) to do and then she totally ignored me again with the you dont exist look whenever i enter the same room and turn your face away when i look at her . . But my best friend keeps saying that she always looks at me when we are in the same room and i am not looking(my best friend by the way thinks being gay is against nature and i am quotin her ). Again out of nowhere she messages me on facebook saying her sister and i have very similar tastes and when i respond . . . Poof no more replies and the whole ignore that idiot . . . I am tired of this hot and cold scenario . I dont know what she really thinks . This is all my assumption based on the way she acts around me . . . And now i really dont know why i even posted this topic . . . All this sounds so lame . . (but i still like her i dont know why!! Everytime i see her i start grinning like a love sick idiot in my head and dream everyday bout her . . . I just wish there was a way of kicking her thoughts out of my head . . . I see all these people posting bout the people they are in the relationship with and i know i want to be loved back . . . :-( but cant get her out of my head . . And to my great luck she keeps popping up every . . I mean every where i go . . And then she looks at me as if i planned to be there at that moment . ( cant i just erase her from my mind or heart or life or what ever it is :-( )

--------------------
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;

Posts: 94 | From: Hyderabad | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BrightStar171
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That does sound a little bit to me like she's picked up on the fact that you're attracted to her and feels uncomfortable around you as a result. (This might actually have nothing to do your sexuality and just be the result of the fact that a lot of people feel uncomfortable around someone who's romantically interested in them when they aren't interested back.) That might explain some of the awkwardness and the hot/cold behavior- she's trying to be nice to you, but isn't totally comfortable with the situtaion.

Especially if you're sure she's straight, this sounds like something that isn't likely to result in much if you pursue it romantically, and it also sounds like doing so might create some pretty big problems for you with your family and your peers. I'd be happy to talk with you about options for pursuing it, if you still want to, but I'd also be happy to discuss ways to work through an unrequited crush- there are some, I promise! It's not easy, but it can be done.

Posts: 100 | From: Virginia, USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
loneranger
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actually the more i write on these boards the less i feel of whatever i ever felt towards her because .......its clear to me how she does not like me in the same way and never will......and more importantly i dont want her to right now...... 3 hours back i walked past her ( through her ).....like she was the most insignificant person.....No "turning back just to her 1 more time"....... No "when will i see her again"...Nothing..........

but because she is the person i have liked for the longest time 3 years 3 months and 12 days [Smile] i just have to say :
"The truth is, there's gonna be other girls out there. I mean, I hope. But I'm never gonna get another first love. That one is always gonna be her"
(its frm some movie i saw....i always used to think this as what i would say the day i decide to move on )

--------------------
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;

Posts: 94 | From: Hyderabad | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cooldude500
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No your not pathetic your just attracted to her and there is nothing wrong with that too. I had a crush on my guy friends because he is cute and he is also sexy and all but he is straight. This is kind of the same situation you are in and it is totally fine. I am Bisexual by the way and I understand what your going through. This girl your talking about may just trying to not draw attention to herself and she might be trying to not draw attention to the both of you looking at each other. I am guessing because she does not want to be seen as someone that is gay just try not to be awkward around her and then she might not have to ignore you because you would be friends. It is just not possible to make someone turn into a Lesbien or a Bisexual Person or Homosexual i have tried with the guy friend that i have a crush on but i know i have to move on. Me and you will meet someone in the future that will make our dreams come true. I think for right now just give her space you don't want to weird this girl out. I don't think she is trying to be mean by ignoring you i think she just does not want to draw unwanted attention to you or her. In a way i think it is a helpful type of thing if you think about it.

[ 02-20-2013, 09:11 AM: Message edited by: cooldude500 ]

--------------------
Sincerely

Dan Rivard

Posts: 1 | From: MA | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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