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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » I don't really know what to do.

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Author Topic: I don't really know what to do.
ChrisLG44
Neophyte
Member # 109329

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Well, I'm a 17 year old gay guy and I have a loneliness problem I suppose. Most, if not all, of my friends are in relationships and I'm the only one who isn't in one. I often feel like a third wheel. But along with this I'm the only gay guy at the public school I go to, and even though there are tons of lesbians, most being my friends, i still feel kinda alone. At one point, my friends went to this thing and never invited me even though they knew it was something i had wanted to do because I wouldn't have a date. They tell me this isn't the case and that i will find someone eventually, and i know i will, but i can't help but feel lonely and sorta outcast-ed, even though i know better. How can i get over these feeling?
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Edith_*
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Hi ChrisLG! Welcome to Scarleteen! [Smile]

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling lonely. I can totally understand how not having a relationship (a romantic relationship, I guess?) when everybody around seems to be in one, well, kinda sucks. [Frown]

Have you tried to expand your circle of friends? I am not trying to say that you need to change the friends you already have but maybe *add* some more, know what I mean? Sometimes when we move in the same circle of friends is hard to notice about other people around. The more people you meet and connect with, the more possibilities you have to get into a relationship. [Smile]

How about trying new activities, like a book club or volunteering to a organization you like? Is that something you think you would like to do? I don't know where you live but, is there a way to find out if there's a local LGBT community close to you?

I don't think is good to just "get over it" with any kind of feelings we may have. Honoring ourselves -- and our feelings -- is always a good thing to do. Feeling lonely is not a bad thing. And doing something about it, is way better than just "getting over" ourselves. [Smile]

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"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it " (...'cause no one else will) -Gandhi-

Posts: 420 | From: Somewhere over the rainbow* | Registered: Jun 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
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I'm glad you made your way over here! I was the person who initially answered your question on our texting service.

I think it can be really easy for folks who are in a relationship, especially if they're still fairly new to dating, to see every social interaction through the lens of being partnered. It's an easy trap to fall into, but it's still unfortunate, especially when people like you are then left out.

Have you talked to any of your friends about your feelings here? It's ok for people to want to be social in smaller groups, or to do couples events from time to time, but if you have close friends who are shutting you out of social activities because you're single, I think it's totally ok to bring this up with them and ask them not to exclude you just because you're not dating anyone.

Maybe this could be a good time to work on building up your friendships and initiate some one-on-one time with a few friends? Even if you don't know other gay guys and may have a limited dating pool, having close friends you can turn to and spend time with can do a lot to cut down on loneliness (and I'd certainly say that a partner isn't going to automatically cure those feelings, nor should anyone rely on just one person to help with loneliness). Edith's idea to branch out and get involved in groups you find interesting is a good idea too! I still haven't had luck finding any LGBT youth groups/resources in your area (although if you are able and willing to travel to Atlanta there are some), but there could still be some general activities that would help you meet folks.

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ChrisLG44
Neophyte
Member # 109329

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I mean, I'm friends with a lot of people in my school (all the people that I want to be friends with anyway) and I have kinda mentioned the issue to my friends but they don't really acknowledge me when I say something about it. They kinda ignore me when it comes to stuff like that, cuz every now and there is about 4 or 5 of my friends who LOVE bragging about being in a relationship, one of which has been going on for about 2 years now, and it bothers me sooo badly. I'll ask them to change the subject but they won't until i have to either zone out or just leave. And I don't really know how to branch out like y'all were saying to do, I would like to; cuz all the people around here are either friends through school or church and im not really that religious so. What kind of ideas do yall have in mind about that? And you can give me the youth groups in Atlanta, Molias, cuz you never now.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, that's just disrespectful. If and when we tell friends something they are talking about makes us uncomfortable and we ask to please change the topic, they should do that. [Frown]

Have you talked to any of those folks privately to express how you feel, both about the topic right now, but also about them ignoring your expressed feelings?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Per possible resources for you, have you checked out any of these?

• http://www.youthpride.org/
• http://www.pflagatl.org/gay-lesbian-transgender-and-questioning-youth/
• http://justusatl.org/

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

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Here are the youth-oriented groups I found in Atlanta:
YouthPride
JustUsATL
[oops, looks like Heather beat me to it! =)]

I do agree with Heather that your friends are being pretty disrespectful in ignoring your feelings when you've asked them not to exclude you or spend so much time bragging about your relationships. That's really not ok.

[ 01-15-2014, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: Molias ]

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ChrisLG44
Neophyte
Member # 109329

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Thankers, I'll check them out. And I don't think they know how much it bugs me, I've only straight up told my issue with it to my REALLY good friends and they understand and avoid the topics. But i don't really voice my dislike of it cuz i don't want to sound whiny guess. And I don't blame them, I understand why they would want to talk about it, it just crosses the line sometimes and I usually have to end up leaving the conversation.
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Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
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It may be worth a try the next time you feel that they cross the line (whatever that line may be for you) to tell them the extent to which it makes unhappy. Hopefully, they'll react they way your close friends did and be more careful in conversation with you. If they continue to be disrespectful, that may be a sign that it's time to scale down interactions with them.
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