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Author Topic: First date... ever
MusicNerd
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Hey Scarleteen! I've been so crazy-busy, but I miss you all so much. [Smile]

So, this girl that I've been crushing on and chatting with for a while in one of my classes asked me out to coffee yesterday (let's call her Becky), and I'm super excited! [Big Grin] The only thing is: I've never been on a date before, with a guy or a girl (if we're thinking in binary terms), and I kinda don't know what to do. I don't want to dress too cutesy, since I don't want to seem like I'm trying too hard; but I also don't want to look too casual and come-off as not caring about seeing her. I guess I'm just really nervous, since she's super pretty, smart, sweet and funny... *sigh* Also, she's really short compared to me (which I find adorable, by the way [Smile] ) and I'm afraid she's just gonna think of me as this tall, awkward chick that she shouldn't have asked out, since I'm probably gonna be pretty shy and nervous tomorrow (and obviously still tall).

I don't even know what my question is really... I guess: How can I overcome my nerves, especially since I have absolutely no experience whatsoever with dating?

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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Robin Lee
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Hey Music Nerd,

She asked you out, didn't she? So, she knows how tall you are. [Wink]

Seriously though, a certain amount of nerves are understandable. Whenever something means a lot to us, we can tend to get nervous about it. That nervousness means we care and want it to go well.

perhaps, in terms of how to present yourself, think about how Becky has seen you so far. Clearly, that's the Music Nerd she asked out for coffee.

And remember, it's coffee, not an invite home to meet the parents for Thanksgiving.

I confess it's been a while since I've gone out on a date with someone new, though, so I'm hoping others will come by with more constructive input for you.

Good luck! [Smile]

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Hey MusicNerd.

Congrats on the date! A first date is nerve wracking, but here's the thing, she must like you because she asked you out, and she may well be as nervous as you! It may or may not be her first date ever, but it is her first date with YOU. So it's new for both of you.

Like Robin said it's totally natural to be nervous, so don't worry too much about being nervous.

I wish you success!

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~moonlight

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smittenkitten
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Hi Music Nerd,

I totally get being nervous about a first date. There's so much uncertainty and the pressure to impress.

I know it sounds cheesy, but I find the best way to approach a first date is by being yourself. If you would feel better dressing up, do that. Or if you'd rather just wear something normal do that. It is useful to consider the situation you're going to be in though - if you were going for a picnic then heels may not be ideal, but if it's just coffee you can suit yourself [Smile]

I'm not sure if this is the case for you, but I find if you're already friends with the person you're going on the date with, it can be easier to relax and have fun.

Good luck!

Marion

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MusicNerd
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Thanks so much for your advice, everybody! I did end up dressing as myself. [Smile]

Well, we had coffee today, and we had a nice chat that lasted for almost two hours (the time went by really quickly). Mostly about food. [Big Grin] I found out we have a lot in common and we were talking about height issues that we've had from both the short and tall perspective. lol The thing is, it went really well, but I feel like I might've come off as too friend-like (since I was somewhat giddy from being nervous, and since I tend to be giddy whenever I'm around her); or maybe the vibe between us both was just really friend-like as opposed to being non-platonic... Either way, I'm not sure if we're gonna go on a "date" again per say, even though she said she had a good time, but I know we're on good terms.

When I was sitting there with her, I kinda couldn't picture us in a relationship even though I still was thinking about how she's really pretty, sweet and interesting (I guess there wasn't that "spark" or whatever you wanna call it), but should I just initiate the next one to see if there actually is something there? I guess I'm just confused...

[ 11-17-2012, 06:35 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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MusicNerd
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Unfortunately, my session has timed out for editing/adding on to my last post, which is why I'm starting this new post here. I've been thinking about it, and I do wanna go out with her again. I thought about how much we made each other genuinely laugh, how I want to see her again, how she's a really nice person who accepts my weirdness/weird sense of humor [Smile] , and how I currently feel super-bummed that I wasn't able to kiss her because I'm pretty sure I'm sick and I didn't want her to catch whatever I have. [Frown] I think maybe a second date will be a way for me to better determine what kind of chemistry/connection is there.

[ 11-17-2012, 09:05 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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smittenkitten
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MusicNerd,

It is sometimes hard to tell by one date if you have chemistry with someone or not. It can also be difficult to see if you do from the inside. Let me give you an example from my own life.

I met my wife at TAFE (a technical college, I guess). We became fast friends and there was never talk or suggestion of anything more. We were out having a drink one night after class, and a drunk guy came and patted Vanessa on the head and told us we were the cutest couple. We were both quite amused and shocked, but in a week's time we were dating.

We did end up breaking up because of some trust issues, but we remained friends and eventually became roommates. At the time I was dating an extremely selfish manchild who wanted to continue sleeping with me for as long as possible. Yet, he took me out for dinner one night and told me that he thought Vanessa and I were meant to be together. Now Vanessa and I are married.

I'm not saying that it'll be as dramatic as all that for you, but I guess my point is that things sometimes aren't that easy to see, but it doesn't mean they're not there. And also sometimes it takes time to figure out what (or who) we really want.

All the best,

Marion

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MusicNerd
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Hey Marion! (or do you prefer smittenkitten?)

Wow, your story sounds like something out of a soap opera! I'm glad it had a happy ending, though. [Smile]

Yeah, I guess you're right. It probably is hard to tell from the first date, especially because it's the "getting to know you" part and I was definitely a little bit nervous (and I'm assuming that she was, too). I'd like to ask her out to an event that's happening a couple of days from now, but I'm thinking I'll just do that in-person when I see her in class tomorrow instead of over the internet.

Thanks so much for your response! [Smile]

[ 11-17-2012, 11:43 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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Onionpie
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Hey MusicNerd! So I recently also had my own very first experiences with dating, in the summer. I know you've already been on your first date, but this is regarding your uncertainty of there being a spark or if you came across as being too "friend-like" and whether you should go on a second date or not.

As Marion said, it's often hard to tell if you have chemistry right off the first date. So what I would do with my dates was to actually treat it like starting to get to know a friend. You're hanging out and chatting and seeing if you click, in whatever ways that might be -- be it platonic or romantic/sexual.

So you might find that at first you guys click as friends but then a more romantic connection builds out of that as you get to know each other a bit more. Or you might find that you two work best together as platonic friends, and the relationship develops in that direction. That's really what dating is all about -- people often date people and find they're more friendship-material than partner material, or maybe they're friendly-acquaintance material, or maybe they're oh-god-at-first-you-were-cute-but-get-out-of-my-life-right-now material.

So maybe after a few more dates you'll decide that you two will be better staying as friends. But hey, what's wrong with that? New friends are awesome [Smile]

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MusicNerd
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Hey Onionpie! Thanks for your response!

Well, I went on my second date/outing/whatever with her last night and we hit it off again: making each other laugh, sharing more common interests, etc. Last night made me like her even more. [Smile]

I guess the only reason why I'm afraid as coming off too friend-like is not because I think being her friend is a bad thing. On the surface, I realize that since she's a cool person it wouldn't be such a bad thing, and being her friend is definitely better than nothing or her disliking me, but... I guess I'm just worried, because in the past I've never been good at flirting with people I crushed on (even if they showed some sort of interest in me in return), but I was good at making friends with them and they always ended up dating other people. I guess my reason is very shallow to be honest, but I guess I'm worried that I also came off as too platonic last night (and on the first date), because I personally have romantic/sexual feelings for her and I secretly hope that she feels the same way about me... I know, super shallow. I just can't help but feel comfortable around her and to feel happy when I make her laugh, and I'm scared that being flirty might make her uncomfortable or scare her off.

To add on to how I'm feeling, a guy that I had a crush on at the beginning of the year (let's call him Andy) suggested that we hang out sometime (and he was kinda shy about asking me, too)... in front of Becky. He was also someone who ended up dating someone else after he met me at the beginning of the year, and there was definitely a connection I felt then; I don't think he's in a relationship now, though. I'm wondering if I should test things out with Andy too, since: 1. I'm not even sure if Becky and I are dating, 2. I find him attractive, 3. Becky might not even view me in a romantic/sexual way anyway, so I probably wouldn't have to worry about her being upset about it and 4. I might as well stop entertaining the idea that she does view me in a romantic/sexual way because all that does is give me false hope, also 5. Hanging out with Andy might help to distract me from how I'm feeling about Becky (and maybe something good could come from hanging out with him, too since he's also a cool person). I know all this sounds shallow like in the last paragraph, but this is honestly how I feel at the moment.

[ 11-21-2012, 01:43 AM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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Onionpie
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Hi MusicNerd, I'm glad to hear your date/thing went well last night!

You know, it seems to me that you're thinking a lot about what these other people feel towards you and you're trying to figure out whether they're romantically interested in you or not, and since you can't figure it out you feel like just assuming the worst so you don't raise your hopes up. BUT, there's actually a pretty simple way to get all of this cleared up -- a way to make Becky aware that you're interested in her in a romantic way, a way to find out whether she and/or andy have romantic feelings for you, and whether either of them are interested in pursuing that further with you.

You can ask them! [Smile] There's nothing wrong with SAYING to becky that you're romantically interested in her. But I also think you're self-doubting too much here! I mean, she DID ask you out on a date, did she not? Pretty sure that usually means someone's interested in you! [Smile] So give yourself more credit! Especially since she went on a second date with you and it sounds like she had a great time.

And similarly, you can ASK andy whether he's romantically/sexually available and whether he's interested in pursuing something along those lines with you. You can ask him how he feels about you or ask him on a date, or all of the above.

If you're scared of asking them because you're worried you might "scare them off", then know that when I say "ask them" I don't mean you have to have SERIOUS BUSINESS FEELINGS-TALK [Razz] You can ask them in a casual way, and people really tend not to be scared off by things like that. Maybe at the end of a possible-third-date with Becky, you can just say "I've been really enjoying these dates so far, I really feel there's a spark between us! Hopefully you've been enjoying yourself as much as I have, and I'd love to keep up the dating if you're down with that!" or something. Or you could even text it the day after hypothetical-third-date -- it doesn't have to be a face-to-face conversation, since it's not Big Heavy Seriousness stuff.

What do you think? Would you feel up to talking to these two about your feelings/where your relationship stands? Do you want some help brainstorming ways of going about having these discussions?

[ 11-21-2012, 08:05 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

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MusicNerd
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Hey Onionpie!

You know, I wouldn't mind bringing it up with Becky. I'd be absolutely terrified of doing it in a "serious business feelings-talk" kinda way! So yeah, I'd definitely do it in a more casual way like you mentioned. hahaha [Big Grin] I would totally be open to brainstorming with you ways of bringing it up with her! [Smile]

Side-question: I gave her my number like a week ago online (since we were assigned to do a group project together) so that she could contact me if she had any questions about what we were working on or anything, but she never gave me hers. Would it be weird for me to ask for her number, since she hasn't texted me? Mind you, that could be due to the fact that after the message I sent her, we were focused on the logistics of our project (and our first date [Smile] ), and she could've taken it as an "oh, i'll only call/text when it pertains to our class".

I think for Andy, it would be a little awkward for me to bring something like "hey, are we dating" up, since we never hung out together outside of the program we did at the beginning of the year. I think I would wait until later when we've hung out a little bit more together for that.

You know, I didn't really notice it before, but I guess I am self-doubting myself a lot here. I guess that could partially stem from the years of bullying I went through when I was in elementary, middle and a little bit of high school (it ended after freshman year, thankfully). The thing is: I tend to read people well (not by choice, trust me). But if my emotions get in the way, then my perceptions become distorted by my own feelings; or in this case specifically, my own feelings about myself. It's pretty odd and annoying. [Frown]

Now that I think about it: On the second date after the event, she even accompanied me to the place that I was getting food from (since I hadn't eaten dinner) and she waited inside with me when I was getting my food even though she wasn't hungry and didn't get anything for herself. She could've easily gone straight back to her dorm after the event if she wanted, since it wasn't far from where I was getting food (and since she also mentioned earlier that night that she wanted to meet one of her friends after the event ended). Huh... Maybe you're right, Onionpie. Maybe I shouldn't sell myself so short. [Smile]
You know, I also tend to forget that she was the one who asked me out on the first date, so that would indicate interest. Thanks for that really obvious ego-boosting reminder that I should have thought of myself! lol [Big Grin]

[ 11-21-2012, 10:25 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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MusicNerd
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Sorry for the double-post here!

I forgot to add this in my post above this one, but I also might have mono (I won't know for sure until next week when my doctor tells me my results). It would probably be wise to not get other people sick (like Becky or Andy), and it's been pissing me off since I want to kiss her, but I won't be able to "make a move" or drop hints or whatever; also, it would depend on if she wanted to kiss me, too. I don't even know if I'll be able to go on a third date with Becky soon, because I've been feeling so sick lately! [Frown] I feel like it's gonna be difficult for me to express how I have a crush on her and enjoy spending time with her if I'm not going to be hanging out with her outside of class for a while. Could you help me brainstorm ways to express that given these sucky conditions? I really don't want her to think that I'm avoiding her or trying to find an excuse not to hang out with her; I just don't have the energy to go anywhere and I don't want to get her sick.

As for Andy, I asked him today online if we could hang out sometime and he hasn't responded yet. I figure once he sees my message if he still wants to hang out, it won't be as awkward for me to tell him that we'll have to hang out later once I feel better, because I don't see him everyday like I see Becky (in fact, I've rarely seen him since we have no classes together).

[ 11-24-2012, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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MusicNerd
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Sorry for the now triple-post here, but: could someone change the girl's name in the last sentence in my post above to "Becky"? I just realized that I typed the person's real name. Thank you!

[ 11-24-2012, 05:37 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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Heather
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Yep. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Heather
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Also, I think "I might have mono and I feel like hell; I so wanted to go out, but can we possibly reschedule?" really does suffice to make clear that how you're feeling isn't a reflection of how you feel about her. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MusicNerd
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Thanks Heather, for both the name change and the word of advice! [Smile]

Strangely enough, I've been starting to feel better; I'm thinking this is due to the fact that I've been sleeping like a cat lately. lol Still won't know for sure 'til I see the doc again, though. Thanks! [Smile]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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MusicNerd
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Hey Heather (or anyone else who'd like to chime in), I have a question that I forgot to add in my post right above this one here: Since I'm currently kinda sick, would it be okay at this time (when I pretty much say what you've said above) to also let her know that I like her? Or would it just be awkward since I'm not planning on going out with her for a little while?

[ 11-24-2012, 07:35 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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moonlight bouncing off water
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I think it's fine to let her know; liking someone doesn't have to equal wanting to spend time with them right away.

I hope you feel better soon!

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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MusicNerd
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Hey Moonlight!

Thanks for your advice! I never thought about it the way you put it, "liking someone doesn't have to equal wanting to spend time with them right away". I'm pretty much thinking of going about saying how I've been feeling like hell because I might have mono, but I like her and like spending time with her, but I'd like to do so later when I'm not so sick. I might just nix the "I like her" part and just say that I like spending time with her instead. Does that seem casual enough? I just don't wanna come on too strong too soon I guess (we've only gone out together twice) or suddenly seem boring if I just came out and said "I like you".

Thanks! I hope so, too. lol [Smile]

[ 11-24-2012, 08:13 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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moonlight bouncing off water
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I don't think you'd seem boring, but whatever you're most comfortable saying is great. (But remember, she asked you out that indicates that she likes you).

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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MusicNerd
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Okay. Thanks, Moonlight. [Smile] (Right, I keep forgetting that! Shoot! *facepalm* lol [Big Grin] )

[ 11-24-2012, 08:25 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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WesLuck
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Relationships are always more simple in the abstract than in one's own life. <grin> [Wink]
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MusicNerd
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So I talked to Becky today and I pretty much told her how I might have mono, and she totally understood since she's had it before herself. She says that she hopes I feel better and she'd totally be up for seeing me again after I feel better (she was actually willing to see me even in my sick state). [Smile] At one point I was like, "And it sucks because I really like you-- I mean! I really like spending time with you!" And then she just laughed as I fumbled for words at that moment, and was like, "It's totally fine". Maybe she thought my awkwardness was cute? Maybe she thought I made a mistake in saying I like her? I don't know. *sigh* [Roll Eyes]

[ 11-26-2012, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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WesLuck
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Best wishes, and although I'm not meant to say this to people I don't really know on the boards (but I think this is not so in your case [Smile] based on past messages) lots of hugs too! You will be fine! [Smile] Remember, love/light is the greatest power in the universe, the more it is expressed the more it multiplies and brings joy!

You have a good heart, and everyone does whether they know it or not. [Wink] [Smile]

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MusicNerd
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Thanks, WesLuck! Your post was very kind. [Smile]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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WesLuck
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No worries! [Smile] You have a wonderful personality, and it has been a pleasure getting to know you on Scarleteen (which is in itself a place of love and light! [Smile] ).

[ 11-28-2012, 10:09 AM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]

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WesLuck
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And I know that it is only a part of the complete personality, but it still shines through. [Smile]
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MusicNerd
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Thanks again, WesLuck! [Smile]

First off, I told Andy and he totally understood since he too has had mono before. I didn't realize how common it was for people to get! He said he would be up for hanging out with me once I feel better. So yay! [Smile]

I kind of have another issue I'd like to raise now. Yes, it's about Becky. Yes, I know I'm being obnoxious. I guess I just need someone to talk this over with:

Normally Becky and I would talk more in-person, especially after class. Ever since I told her about being sick (my doc confirmed that I have mono along with some other virus that tends to accompany it) and how I'd like to hang with her when I feel better... I feel like she's gotten a bit more shy around me. Now after class she walks away really quickly to-the-point that it's awkward or impossible for me to initiate a conversation (before we'd kinda wait for each other). We talk a little before class now (if I get there early) and she seems happy to see me, but she talks to me a lot more online now. Maybe I embarrassed her by being a bit more forward with my compliments (ex. when I was online with her, I told her she does cute things)? I don't really know. It's not like I confessed my undying love or said something really sexual or anything extreme like that! *facepalm* She didn't seem to mind before when I would compliment her in-person on her cute shirt or something. I also made sure from-the-get-go (and especially nowadays) that I didn't give her too many compliments for fear of sounding too clingy or creepy.

If it is a matter of embarrassment, then maybe I shouldn't tell her I like her (even in a casual way), 'cause that might make her just run away from me screaming or pass-out at this point. I'm pretty sure she likes me though, since she gives off that shy crushing-on-you body language (ex. keeps looking away when she talks to me, laughs at all my dry-humor cracks even though all of them aren't that funny, she makes room for me to sit next to her and chat with her but she'll keep her arms tight to herself when sitting close to me). She also keeps asking about how I'm feeling and hoping that I'm okay (mostly online).

Next semester I'm not gonna have any classes with her, and I'm just afraid that she won't like me anymore when I ask her out then. I mean, she told me earlier how she'd be okay with even going to the movies with me while I was sick, but that overall she's totally fine with seeing me after I get better. She also messaged me online when I missed class one day and she seemed pretty worried; but now that she's getting a bit more shy in-person all of a sudden, I don't even know what to think or do anymore. I guess it's just tricky, because I've already gone so out of my comfort zone in even talking to and complimenting someone I have a crush on and it seems like I'm just making things awkward for her now. I feel like maybe I did something to make her more shy in-person and more comfortable online. :/

[ 11-29-2012, 08:03 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Well didn't you tell her that you really didn't want to hang out in person until after you were better? So maybe she thinks that you mean after class too. I don't think her shift in behaviour is anything to be worried about. She might be slightly more stressed by school, have a new activity she's doing that is switching up her routine a bit, or this may just be random.

As per being afraid of asking her out, or expressing that you like her, I read something here on Scarleteen that I think Heather said (and I'll link you to it if I can remember where on here I read it) saying basically: if you ask someone out and totally "fail" at it, you're awkward, you stumble, you have trouble getting the words out and maybe your voice even cracks, but they like you, they're gonna say yes. But if you ask someone out "perfectly", the way you fantasize it going, and they're not in to you, well they won't say yes. So getting it "right" when you ask them out isn't really all that important, because their answer is going to be the same whether or not you ask them perfectly or not. Just thought that'd help.

I know it's sometimes really scary talking to someone you like because it seems like one wrong move is going to mess everything up, but it really, really won't. I really think you should just ask Becky why her behaviour has shifted so you can stop worrying.

But you know what you're comfortable with and what you're not, so...

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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MusicNerd
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Hey! I told Becky that I like her a couple days ago, and I figured I'd update you.

It was after class and we were talking, and I said, "Hey! I kinda don't really know any other way to say this except to just put it bluntly, so... I like you. I'm not sure if I've been obvious about it so far or not, and I kinda don't know why I'm telling you this right now, but yeah." She then pretty much told me how things are kinda "complicated" with her and this other girl. And I was pretty much like, "Oh, I see... Okay, I understand..." Then she told me, "But I really like you, and I like spending time with you?" (she said it in a questioning way, which is why the question mark is there). I then replied, "Well, yeah. I still think you're a cool person and all, so sure." And then we smiled and said bye and parted ways. At that moment, I just wanted to save face and seem cool about it all when I pretty much wasn't. "It's complicated" pretty much sounds like a lot of unnecessary drama to me, and it explains why a lot of her posts on her Tumblr have been all about how she likes some girl, how she's not sure if the girl likes her back and how she wishes someone would find her attractive enough and blah blah blah.

I mean, at first I pretty much tried to push out the thought of her being interested in me when she asked me out on the first date so that I didn't get my hopes up. But after a while I started to think like you did with, "Well, she asked you out, so that probably means she likes you, right?" I'm just kind of upset, because: if she was in this "complicated thing" with a girl already, then why'd she even ask me out to coffee to begin with? Normally, asking someone to meet with them alone over coffee indicates interest. It just doesn't make sense to me. It's not like she asked me to a group outing with a bunch of her friends or anything, because then I would've thought, Oh, okay. She just wants to be my friend. She also didn't exactly seem fazed by the idea of going to the movies with me alone just last week. She didn't even do the classic, "Oh, sounds like fun! Hey, can we bring so-and-so along with us?" In fact, she seemed really excited about the idea and bummed that I was too sick to invite her to go with me that weekend. I mean, inviting someone to go to the movies alone with them? Usually that's a pretty clear sign that someone's into you in a non-platonic way.

So, bottom line: I'm not so much upset because she didn't return the romantic feelings I have for her (I mean, I'm not thrilled, but I've definitely gone through crushes not being interested in me many times before). It's more that I felt I was led to think that she liked me in a non-platonic way, since she was the one who first asked me out and she never at any point gave off any signals or said anything earlier (before I told her I liked her) about just wanting to be my friend; instead the signals she gave off were more on the side of not just wanting to be my friend. It's just kinda upsetting that she didn't say anything earlier, like before she asked me to coffee or just at some point when we were seeing each other. Honestly, I think she just liked the attention I gave her (since from her posts, she doesn't seem to be getting it from this other girl) and she just wants to keep that going with me.

I talked with my mom about what happened, and she pretty much told me how I'm still so young and how she went through heartbreak when she was younger and how ups and downs are all a part of growing up. She made a pretty good point of telling me that at least this didn't happen after I was really emotionally invested in her. She also told me that if at any point it hurts for me to be around her, I'm never obligated to hang out with her. It was really relieving to hear that, since I was more concerned about making things awkward for Becky than about how I actually feel. To be honest, I'm not exactly looking forward to spending time with her, and I'm not planning on initiating any sort of get-together with her either. I just think it'd be best for me emotionally to distance myself from her as much as possible. I've blocked her on my Tumblr account so that on my dashboard I don't have to see all her reblogs of lovey-dovey poems and quotes that I realize now are all about this other girl. Pretty much, this'll hurt for a little while, but I know I'm gonna get over it and the whole "plenty of other fish in the sea" saying definitely applies to this situation.

Honestly, before I told Becky I liked her, I was planning on subtly letting Andy know that our hangout is more of a get-together-as-friends, "hey! long time no see, pal!" type of thing (even though I had a crush on him earlier in the year); that was because I was so into the idea of dating only Becky. Now I'm just kinda open to letting it be whatever with him, platonic or not, since he's a cool guy and I like being around him. [Smile]

Now I'm just wondering: Should I randomly message Becky (since I don't have classes with her anymore/don't see her in-person anymore) and tell her how I changed my mind on continuing to see her, or should I just wait until she invites me to do something with her? Mind you, I highly doubt she'll invite me to do anything with her, so I'm not too worried about bringing anything up if I go with the latter part of the question.

--------------------
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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smittenkitten
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Hi MusicNerd,

I'm sorry to hear things haven't worked out the way you were hoping.

You know from what you've told me, it doesn't sound like Becky is not interested. I trust your judgement, but to me it sounds more like she's got a lot on her plate (with the other girl etc.)

That said, it can be tricky to judge if coffee is a date or not. In this day and age I think it's a good idea to clarify whether it's a date before the fact because for some people coffee is just coffee, even one on one.

I wouldn't do anything rash like messaging her to say you want to see her. It doesn't mean you have to go out with her if she asks, but it means your options are open should you want to hang out with her in the future (I know you may feel like you'll never want to now, but that can change). That way if she asks you have the power to say yes or no.

Good luck,

Marion

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MusicNerd
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Hey smittenkitten!

Yeah, it wasn't just the coffee really. And, at least at the college I go to, coffee normally does signify a casual date/I-kinda-think-I'm-into-you type of thing; unless the two people involved are just close friends who've known each other for a long time or something like that. It was a bunch of other things leading up to the other day (being willing to go to the movies alone with me was only one of them) that happened which made me think otherwise, too. It just would've been nice if she was more upfront with me from the get-go, or at least at some point while we were seeing each other, about this "complicated thing" with this other girl who she obviously has feelings for. Looking back now, I was not that subtle about how I felt about her and I actually made sure to be clearer about it as time went on. Also, I'm kinda shaking my head at myself since I had a feeling that the initial weirdness that I picked up on (ex. her leaving really quickly after class without talking to me like usual) was indeed a sign of something else going on with her. I just didn't know it was another girl.

Even if she didn't want to let me know about this other girl, she definitely had opportunities to at least hint at not wanting anything non-platonic with me before I told her I liked her (ex. suggesting to bring other people along with us to the movies or something). It also doesn't make sense to me, because if she's trying to deal with a complicated situation with someone else that she is really into (and looking at her posts, now that I know who the posts are actually about, it's quite obvious that she's really into this girl and really wants to make it work with her), then why would she ask me out? Honestly, it just seems to me that maybe she might have thought my sense of humor was cool or something, but mainly I think the attention I gave her flattered her and she just wants to keep that going while she's trying to get with this other girl.

But yeah, you're right: I won't message her saying how I'm not interested in seeing her (that does seem kinda rash). I'll just wait until she asks me to something (if she asks). Thanks for your advice. It helped me to think in a level-headed way about how to handle things. [Smile]

[ 12-08-2012, 03:02 AM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

--------------------
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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Onionpie
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Hey MusicNerd! I hope it's okay if I give you my two-cents on this [Smile]

So from what I've gathered from your posts, as marion said, I wouldn't actually say that Becky isn't interested in you. It sounds like she's trying to work out where she is and what she wants and she's trying to keep her options open by dating other people she has an interest in even if she really wants to be with this other girl. So I wouldn't say that she for-sure-has-no-interest-in-you; again, as marion said, to me it seems like she just has a lot on her plate right now.

That said, I totally understand not being interested in taking part in that sort of drama. It's a 100% legitimate stance to take, and you know, I'd probably take the same one! [Smile] So even if she does have some interest in you, it is totally acceptable to not want to pursue anything with her because of her emotional complicated-ness right now. If complicated is not what you want, complicated is not what you have to have [Smile]

I also do want to say though. You're saying you wish she'd have let you know she had her plate full earlier, and that she should have given you hints earlier, etc. However, as you have mentioned, you guys had only gone on two dates so far -- to me, that IS letting you know early on. I don't mean that to invalidate your feelings -- not at all. You had some emotional investment, you liked her, and you had made yourself vulnerable in ways that you never had before. That's going to sting when you suddenly find out she has other stuff going on. But sometimes people have slightly different perceptions of what is "early enough" or not, so she might have figured that letting you know after two dates WAS early enough to let you in on that.

And as I said previously, it may have been that she DOES have some interest in you and is trying to keep her dating options open even though she has feelings for this other girl. She might have just decided that she can't handle all the emotional complicatedness after all, which would be why she didn't tell you right away/asked you out in the first place. Or she might be looking for a less-committed dating-thing at the moment, and wanted to make sure you were aware of that.

But in the end, I think what might be best for you is to just accept this as a date-that-didn't, which definitely stings -- especially when it happens for the first time. But if you accept this as just something that wasn't going to work since you both want different things, you can move on, date all the other fish in the sea, and try not to dwell on why she decided to date you in the first place/why she didn't tell you sooner/etc. What do you think? [Smile]

[ 12-08-2012, 12:16 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

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MusicNerd
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Hey Onionpie!

Yeah, I definitely don't want to take part in any of that drama that she's in, whether it be dealing with her own feelings or dealing with this other girl or whatever. I don't even watch soap operas, because I think that the characters have too much unnecessary drama going on. lol

You know, it does sting since it was at such a vulnerable point that I was made aware of what was going on, but I'm done tossing theories around in my head and caring at this point. Honestly, it is pretty exhausting to wonder "Why didn't she say anything before, like after classes when we'd talk?" "Would she have even told me about this other girl had I not told her I liked her?" "Why did she decide to date me in the first place?" etc. And at this point, it doesn't really matter, since what's done is done.

I like the sound of just dating the other fish in the sea and moving on. Thanks for your reply. [Smile]

[ 12-08-2012, 02:14 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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