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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Weird issue

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Author Topic: Weird issue
Member # 56106

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I'm attracted to women far more than men, and I have pretty much no desire to be romantically involved with men. I guess in a way I'm still curious about what it'd be like to be involved with them sexually, but I don't know how much I'd enjoy if if I can't really be into them too much as people, and also because ever since I came out about 4 years ago I haven't had a legit crush on any men and don't even really want to kiss them, or cuddle them, or any of that. I've had only once relationship with a woman that was long-distance, and now I definitely have more of a desire to have one again with a woman sometime soon (even though I think I need to work on a few issues before I get into another relationship again).

In some ways, my sexuality still confuses me a bit (you can check out my post under "Sexual Orientation" titled "The Things that Don't Align"), and sometimes I can get a bit scared that I will not be satisfied completely by a relationship with a woman (even though I know no partner can give you everything that you need anyway).

So, while I find myself much more physically, emotionally, and romantically attracted to women, I sometimes wonder if my anxiety concerning relationships with women will always lead me into feeling anxious and disconcerted if I am with a woman. And, you know how strong heterocentrism is... when I was little I felt like I would get married to a man someday, and that we would like "happily ever after." My mom always asked what I wanted my wedding to be like, so then I imagined it.... and tried to imagine what guy I'd like to marry. The thing is, I decided a couple of years back that I didn't really feel like I wanted to get married to a man, or have any other life-partner type of deals with a man anymore. I'd much rather it be with a woman. Here's the problem: I've always prided myself on being intuitive, and I do listen to my gut, and most of the time, I'm correct. So, sometimes, in my darkest moment, I keep hearing that my attractions to women won't be enough to sustain a life partnership with one, that I'll need a man in my life in some way--sexually, and perhaps romantically--and that I'll just end up getting married to a man. Isn't that weird? I know one could just say that we can't predict the future at all, and worrying about something so far away has no purpose whatsoever, but I am really really scared that I will just be married to a man, even though I don't want to (at least now). Or, that I'll have to have a man somewhere in there, and have a polyamorous and/or open relationship deal at least. I do have anxiety problems, and I do obsess over things very easily, so maybe this fear is as irrational and is just my mind telling me things to make me upset. Sometimes that happens. I just can't tell whether this is my gut or not.

At the moment, it's really bothering me, and I feel upset because then I almost feel like my desire for a woman in my life is a fake, a sham, and a waste of time. Do you know what I mean? It's hard to explain... it's just like, I'm scared that my attractions to men will come back at full swing or something. Or that, as I stated in my previous post, that I will just not be fully satisfied by women and then have to incorporate a man in there somewhere even though I don't really want to. *Sigh* sometimes I really hate having anxiety....

Anyway, any advice for helping me feel better? Again, I know it's a rather odd issue, but it is bugging me currently.

Posts: 25 | From: U.S. | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 79774

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Hi, 14fields.

I'm wondering if it might help to think about all this from a different angle.

I think that often, thinking about people in terms of such large categories as "men" and "women" doesn't tell us that much. It can be quite hard to feel attracted to "women" or "men", or to imagine a relationship with them, because there are so many so very different people in those categories, and we won't be attracted to most of those people or think that they suit us in a relationship. If we're thinking generally, that mass of people who don't suit us can really muddy the waters around the few who do.

It might help you to know, too, that even for people who are remembering sex with a particular partner, the experience of imagining and remembering it is usually quite different to the experience itself. We can feel differently about sex with a person who's right there than we feel about the idea in our head, and have a different level of desire, and want different things.

I'm hearing that you're concerned about a number of possibilities. Does it help to remember that at all stages in your life, you'll be able to choose - choose who you date, who you partner with, marry or not marry? Unless you're talking about being pressured into partnering (which it doesn't sound like you are), you have free choice, and if something doesn't feel like what you want for any reason, you can choose not to do it.

What if some of the things you're worried about happen? What if you did feel attraction to men again - what is it about that that scares you? I assume that if you were considering marrying anyone, including a man, you would have very strong feelings for them and want to be partnered with them long-term. What if that was a man? I'm not talking about "men" generically here, but about one specific man who you had strong feelings for and who felt right for you. Is that a possibility that feels comfortable to you, or not? Alternatively, what if you found that you wanted relationships with more than one person, that that was what suited you best - does that feel comfortable to you, or not?

I think that if you're feeling a wish to partner with a woman, then the simple existence of that wish means that it isn't fake or a sham.

The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think Redskies gave some fantastic input here.

I'd also add in that I think we really have to try and focus more on our present than our future.

Relationships tend to change over time, for all kinds of reasons. People stay in, leave, adapt or don't, their relationships for all kinds of reasons. And our choices in partners and relationships also tend to be based on way more than their gender, as do our feelings about those people and relationships. Our sexuality -- and again, not just with gender -- also tends to be fluid, and for sure, plenty of people WILL experience shifts during a lifetime, but we can usually neither predict nor control that.

So, how about focusing most on what you want and are feeling NOW?

But even more to the point, trying to sort out what might happen in a given relationship way down the line when we're just in it is impossible enough, but trying to sort that out completely or almost completely in the abstract is just plain impossible. All I suspect that's going to give you is anxiety, not anything of real use or value.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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