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Author Topic: How do i get over him?
copelaa
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Hi everyone! I have a problem..

So there is this guy at my school who i have been crushing on for a little over a year now (im bisexual), and I really need help getting over him. The problem is that I have no idea how to. I used to like him A LOT right before school went on break for summer. Over the summer it basically went away and i thought i didn't like him anymore. However, its been a little over a month since i have been back and have seen him, and now my feelings are coming back, and i dont want them to. Im pretty sure he is straight so i dont see the point in having feelings for him, but i just cant help it.

I know i have to move on and find someone else, but my feelings just keep getting stronger and stronger. Most of you would say that i have to avoid talking to him, and let my feelings completely go away no matter how long it takes. However, that is not a possibility for me. We both run cross country and track for school, and see each other everyday because of it. The only way to stop me from seeing him would be for me to quit the team, which is out of the question.

Any ideas on what i should do? My attraction for this guy is mainly emotional, like a hug/cuddle/kiss type of thing, nothing sexual. Maybe the reason for why i cant stop myself from liking him is that i dont know for sure if he is straight or not. I mean, i dont think he has ever hooked up with anyone or had a girlfriend, so i dont know what to think.

Do you guys think it would be a bad idea to tell him about my feelings for him as a ways of getting over him? Tell him that my feelings are getting stronger, but that im trying to get over him? Maybe just hearing him say no is all i need? Then again, telling him is very risky because if it goes bad, we still have to see each other everyday...

Thanks for any responses!

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Onionpie
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Hi copelaa. I definitely understand that it would be hard to get over this guy when you're seeing him every day. I also understand that quitting the teams is not an option, so I definitely won't ask you to do that [Smile]

In terms of telling him about your feelings -- do you have a feel of whether he's biphobic/homophobic or not? Obviously if you feel you might be at risk of physical or verbal abuse from him if you tell him, I would advise not doing so. But if you're pretty certain he's not biphobic, I think letting him know might be a good idea. That way you'll know solidly if he returns your feelings or not.

I would say, however, that you should keep in mind that even if he is bisexual or gay, doesn't necessarily mean he'll return those feelings. Just like a girl being straight doesn't necessarily mean she'll have feelings for you, you know? So what you're looking for is not so much whether he is bi/gay, but that he return your feelings.

However, as I said, if you think he's not going to humiliate, be rude, or attack you in any other way, then maybe telling him would be a good idea [Smile] And if he's a good friend, he will be understanding and kind to you about it. So if you feel that it would help you to move on from him, and you feel emotionally/physically safe,then I would suggest you tell him [Smile]

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copelaa
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Yeah it is tough seeing him everyday while im trying to get over him. It seems as if any progress i make towards getting over him gets reversed as soon as i see him at practice [Frown]

No he is not biphobic. I go to a very open school and he would be totally accepting, but it would still be awkward for him if he knew i liked him. If i were to tell him, i wouldn't have to worry about any verbal/physical abuse, and he wouldn't try and humiliate me or anything like that. I don't even think i've ever actually seen him mad in the 3 years I've known him haha.

And yeah i see what you're saying there. I know that "if" he was gay/bisexual, it doesn't mean he reciprocates any feelings. I'm almost certain that he is straight anyways, but i feel that for me to actually make some progress towards getting over him, i need to know that for sure.

Do you have any advice for how to actually tell him? Obviously when we are both alone, but like, what do i say? I guess im planning on talking about when i started liking him, how it kind of went away over summer, and how it was coming back now and how i was trying to stop it and get over him. I would try and explain how i felt towards him. Like i said in my original post, i dont really have a sexual attraction for him, so i would want to get the point across that he shouldn't think that im gonna be checking him out whenever he changes in the locker room or takes his shirt off on a run or anything like that.

I would then tell him that i couldn't expect him to be completely comfortable with what i just told him, but that if he had any questions or anything that would make him feel more comfortable, he shouldn't hesitate to ask. I doubt either of us want things to get awkward between us, because we still have to see each other everyday. I dont want it to turn into the type of thing where we make awkward eye contact and suddenly both look away and then end up barely ever talking again. Ideally it would be something that we could talk about openly. Is there anything specific that you think i should say?

Thanks!

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Heather
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I guess I'm personally a little confused -- and feel like he might be too -- about why you'd tell someone you had feelings they never knew about, feeling which are subsiding, and which you want to let go of.

So, I'm not really sure how I'd coach you on what to say, because I guess I don't understand what you're looking for in sharing this with him?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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copelaa
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Oh im sorry if my last post didnt make much sense. From my first post, i really liked this guy at the end of my junior year, before summer started. Over summer, my crush basically went away, and i was happy. I didnt see much point in liking someone i was 99% sure could never like me back. However, my crush has been coming back now that im seeing him again at school and spending time with him. I dont want the crush to come back, but it is, and i cant help but feel that the reason i cant get over him is because there is still that 1% chance that i could actually be with him. I want to tell him my feelings for him as a way of getting over him if that makes any sense. I think that all i need to get over him is for him to tell me that i have no chance with him. Right now im grasping onto that 1% chance, and with it still there, i cant really get over him. If was assured that there was no chance, then i might be able to. Does that make sense?
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Heather
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So, do you WANT to get involved with him romantically or sexually?

In other words, if telling him all of this is about finding out if you can, would you then pursue that if so?

If my asking that doesn't make sense, I'm not just thinking of what saying all this would do for you, but also about the impact of the person you'd be saying it to, and what they'd have to do with it; how they'd feel. It sounds to me like you not only have things you want to tell him, but only one way you really want him to respond, which, to me, kind of makes the whole interchange sound like it's not really involving two people, but just you, which obviously, it really can't.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(I also just realized some of my thinking about this may be coming from the fact that I've been on the receiving end of these kinds of conversations a couple of times in my life, or quite like them, where I suspect or know the other person was in the spot you were, and I personally found them to be very confusing conversations that made figuring out what the other person wanted for me and how to keep a friendship going very tricky for me. I'd also say -- again, this is just my own anecdotal personal experience -- that during those times, I did feel like I wasn't even sure why the person was involving me at all.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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copelaa
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I mean i like him, so yeah if he did like me back then i'd be fine getting involved with him, but that's not what i would be looking for if i told him. Right now im pretty sure he is straight and he would never be interested in that. I feel like im wasting my time liking someone who can never like me back, and that i should move on and find someone else, but my feelings just arent going away.

I dont want to tell him i like him to find out if i have a chance, i want to tell him to make sure that i dont. If i knew for sure that i didnt have a chance with him, it would be much easier for me to get over him, but right now, im grasping to the slight chance that it could work, and because of that, my feelings are only growing stronger, and it is stopping me from moving on.

All i would be asking from him is to tell me that it wouldn't work, and i think that once i know that with certainty, ill actually be able to get over him.

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copelaa
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There would be a clear purpose to involve him. If i dont hear him tell me "no," then i will always feel like i have that 1% chance, and i wont get over him for a long time. If i can talk to him about it, and have him tell me that there is no chance with him, then i think i will be able to get over him much easier, which is in both our interests.
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Heather
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I gotcha. Thanks for making it more clear, and sorry if I was daft about it.

So, I guess, then, one big thing I'd say in talking about this is to open making clear that you want to tell him something personal, and really, it's for you. In other words, you're not actually looking for anything from him, save the favor of letting you voice your own feelings so you can deal with them. And I think opening that way not only sets a pretty clear stage -- particularly with any homophobia he might have or those kinds of reactions -- it also won't have him wondering how the heck he's supposed to respond, or feel like he doesn't actually need to be there for what you're saying, if you get me.

And I think if you open with something like that, you can actually just sum up most of what you've said right here, really. What do you think?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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copelaa
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So i should just open by telling him that im not going to be asking anything from him, and that i just want to let him know whats going on?

If i were to do that, i supposed i would then go on to talk about how i my feelings for him are getting stronger, and how i'm trying to get over him, but am having a lot of trouble with it because im grasping at a slight chance that it could work out, and that i need him to tell me that it cant work? Something like that?

I want to make sure that i tell him exactly how i feel about him, and that it might take me a while to get over him. I dont want him to feel uncomfortable around me or anything because we are still going to be forced to spend a lot of time together..

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Heather
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If he has previously thought you were straight, then it sounds like after you open with saying you just need to get something off your chest, for yourself, you're going to be coming out to him. Obvs, that can be as simple as "You might not know, but I'm bisexual..." then moving on with the rest of what you have to say.

Otherwise, I might just keep it all pretty simple. You've had a crush on him. You want to let it go, both so you can have the relationship and interactions you already do together comfortably, but also because you have strongly suspected he is straight, and thus, that crush wouldn't ever have the chance to be anything but. So, you just wanted to take the temperature, voice how you've felt, and find out where he stood so you could move all of this on forward.

Really, I'd personally lobby not to go on and on about how you feel and have felt about him if you strongly suspect he doesn't share those feelings. Not because he's straight and you're not (if he's straight), but because when you don't share those feelings for someone, them going on to you in great depth about theirs can really feel super-uncomfortable. It's just kind of an "And ummm... what am I supposed to do with this?" feeling, where it can feel like no response you'd have will be a right one.

That other person can also feel a little trapped into having a big emotional conversation they really didn't consent to or see coming, and aftercare afterward, too. Like I said, super-uncomfortable, as you can probably imagine if you can put the shoe on the other foot a bit.

I guess what I'm saying is that ultimately, this is something you need to work out on your own, not try and work out through this conversation with this other person. Crushes really DO pass, they do. Even when you see the other person often. It just takes some time sometimes. I think if voicing this to some degree and finding out if he's interested or not is something you want to do, that makes sense.

But I think trying to magically just nip all of this in the bud by disclosing every single feeling you have felt for this other person, to them, who you don't have a very close relationship with in the first place, is just perhaps not really being very thoughtful about THAT person. Catch my drift?

[ 09-02-2012, 07:33 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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copelaa
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I definitely want to make this conversation really easy for him, so i guess it might be better if i skipped talking about how exactly i feel about him. The only problem with that is that i want him to know that i dont really have a sexual attraction for him, just an emotional one. I want him to know that im not gonna be checking him out all the time or anything like that, which he will assume i will be if I dont tell him im not sexually attracted to him.. I feel like it might be pretty awkward to talk about that with him, but that in the long run, it will make him feel more comfortable knowing that im not thinking about doing anything sexual with him.. What do you think?

What if i skipped the whole "how i feel about you" part during the conversation, but then gave him a letter or something that explained all of that. I would ask him to read it later if he wanted to because i thought it would make him more comfortable knowing exactly how i felt and because i didn't want him to assume a few certain things. If i did that, i would skip the awkwardness of saying that in a conversation, and i would still get my point across. Would that be okay? Or is that a terrible idea?

And yeah i know that crushes will eventually go away, but right now, my feelings are only getting stronger. I know that if my feelings keep getting stronger it will take me a long time to get over them unless i try and do something about them now.. My last crush lasted for like 2 years haha i dont want a repeat of that..

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Heather
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I think in a situation like this, "I have had/have romantic feelings for you" really gives the other person all they need to know without overloading them with what is very relevant to you, but not to them, and without making them feel like they volunteered to take confession that day without having any idea they did or even being okay with that. [Smile]

(And romantic isn't the same as sexual, so that takes care of that. If he asks if your feelings are sexual, not just romantic -- which he likely will if that does matter to him -- you can then make clear that no, they haven't been.)

I also don't think you can control how he is going to interpret what you say, no matter what you say, and you need to know you can't. Again, I'm just seeing something in all of this where you really want a conversation with someone else to be pretty much 100% on your terms, which isn't something we can have in a conversation, or any kind of interaction, with someone else.

I say sleep on this for now with the things we've talked about. I guess I'd just put in a vote to try and perhaps think a little less about what you might get from all of this and how it might benefit you and a little more about the impact on the other person involved. I think if you can make that adjustment, you'll likely come to a good approach.

[ 09-02-2012, 08:00 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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copelaa
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I'm pretty sure he would have no idea what romantic feelings are.. but okay, ill just avoid all that if i do decide to tell him.

You're right, i dont think it would change anything either way, it would just make me feel better, not him, and in the end, i just want to make sure he feels comfortable. I'm not the only one who is going to be affected by this, and we are still going to be forced to see each other all the time, so neither of us will want it to be really awkward between us.

Thanks for your help!

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Heather
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I'm pretty sure that if we grow up in the western world, honestly, it's awfully hard to miss the gazillion depictions and discussions of romance everywhere and be that clueless. [Smile]

But again, if he wants clarification of something, he can certainly ask for it. That's the neat part of two-way conversations. [Big Grin]

Glad to do what I can.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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