I'm bisexual, but I have a much easier time talking to the guys I like than the girls I like. For some reason, I have no problem checking out or chatting with guys I think are attractive; but when I see a woman that I find attractive, I automatically think I'm coming off as "creepy" and so I try to avoid looking at her or speaking to her at all costs.
The other day in math class, I came in about 5 minutes before class was going to start and there was only one seat left (in the row that I wanted) -- it was next to a girl I've been crushing on recently (let's call her Casey). I thought to myself, You know what, you need to stop avoiding her, and then I sit down next to her. Well, I'm having a friendly chat with her, and it seems to be going well; and any time she's seen me after our chat, she's always friendly and says "hi" to me. Anyway, the whole time we're talking about the homework and she's complimenting my outfit, I'm thinking about how she's absolutely gorgeous, how she's mainly shown interest in guys, and how I can best try to hide the fact that I have a crush on her. Now, when I talk to this guy I've been crushing on recently (let's call him Evan), things are fine and I feel totally comfortable talking to him and I don't care if he realizes that I like him or not.
This isn't the first time this awkwardness with girls has happened with me. One time, when I was in a supermarket, I saw this woman who I thought was beautiful, but I was trying to keep myself from staring at her. Whenever I've seen an attractive man randomly, I've had no problem staring or smiling at him.
It just frustrates me that I feel this sense of guilt and shame for liking girls and that I feel like I'm being "creepy" and that I can't just treat them the same way I'd treat the guys I like. I'm thinking this might have to do with the whole heteronormative assumption we've been ingrained with as a society of people we meet automatically being straight, or maybe it's something to do with the idea of a guy (that a woman doesn't like) who's blatantly checking her out being a "creep". Whatever it is, I just hate the fact that I feel this way. I don't know what to do. Any bit of advice would be appreciated!
I understand too well exactly what you're talking about, I really do think it stems from being brought up in a society of heteronormativity and homophobia. If a heterosexual person were to flirt with or ask out a person of the "opposite" sex, but that person turned out to be gay, society view this a whole lot differently than a homosexual person flirting with someone of the "same" sex. In the former case it is viewed as perfectly "normal", run of the mill, oh well, how were they supposed to know he/she was gay. But in the latter it is often viewed as creepy by society. On shows people will freak out if a gay person flirts with them, or even simply likes them. So I think that your fears are, if not justified, understandable.
Whenever I am talking to a girl I find attractive I am always so concerned she, or worse someone else, will figure out that I like her. I tend to assume people are straight, even though I tell myself that this is just what I loathe people doing to me and that there is no basis for this assumption, other than society teaching me that everyone must be straight.
I'm not really sure what you can do to help you with this, other than remind yourself that there is bothing different about you finding a girl cute than finding a guy cute.
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 850 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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I know I can't completely identify with your situation and how you're feeling; but I often check out girls too, and I admit that it's more discreet than it is when I check out guys. I also get uncomfortable sometimes if I compliment a cashier or random girl on her hair, eye make-up, clothes, or nails if they give me a wary response. It's so weird, because when someone is purely being friendly, regardless of their and the other person's orientation, some people are just uncomfortable around random friendliness. It doesn't "always" have to do with sexual orientation of the recipient and the giver - don't worry about that. .
I think you are right, though: society has socialized us into thinking that checking out and flirting with the opposite sex is okay, but checking out and chatting up the same sex is not. I think this is so narrow-minded and stupid. You know, if I was approached by two people hitting on me - a guy and a girl - and they were both coming on too strong, regardless of my orientation, I'd dismiss them both. And now that I think about it, I'd be harsher on the guy, because I would find him "creepier" than the girl. You are so genuine and friendly - you're being nice to this girl, and I'm sure she's not creeped out at all. Don't worry about these things when you talk to girls - though I know it's hard to monitor your reactions and not to process how you're flirting too - and just be yourself.
What you are feeling is not your fault. Your college sounds very inclusive and welcoming, so try to remember those things when you interact with new students. I hope you feel better soon!
-------------------- "I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can) Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012
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Wow! Thank you all so much for the posts! I'm so grateful for all of the advice and support you all give.
Eryn, I'm glad that you think I wouldn't give anyone unwanted attention. I try not to. I know that it's okay to be attracted to people of any gender, but that stupid internal programming we've been given of "same-sex crush = gross to straight people" is what has made me feel guilty about having crushes on girls. You know, I never thought about how sometimes we might "check people out all the time without even thinking about it". That's a good way of thinking about it!
Moonlight, you've pretty much written how've I've been feeling. I agree with you 100% on how people think it's okay for a straight person to hit on someone of the "opposite" sex they didn't know was gay, instead of a gay/bi person hitting on someone of the "same" sex who's straight. I'm always worried that a girl I like will find out that I like her and then she'll flip out about it, too. I also assume that if a girl I'm crushing on is interested in men, then she's straight and not bisexual or bi-curious. I'm glad that my fears don't seem unreasonable to you. If you don't mind me asking, how have you been able to deal with your worries about a female crush potentially finding out you like her?
Copper, as always, even though you might not be able to fully relate to my bisexuality, I still greatly appreciate your posts and your support. My college is definitely very inclusive; actually, on their survey for new students, they left the boxes blank for sexual orientation and gender so that people could write in whatever label they felt most comfortable with! I guess I just need to remember that my school's really LGBTQ-friendly. I also need to remember that it's not my fault for having crushes on girls and feeling this way (I almost cried when you wrote that). Even though it's such a simple idea, sometimes I forget that and those feelings of shame come back. I'll try to be myself when talking to girls I like, but I guess it'll just take time and reminding myself over and over again that it's okay for me to have these crushes.
WesLuck, thanks for your signature hug! It's always nice to have when I'm feeling down.
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