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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » feeling gay, guilty, trapped

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Author Topic: feeling gay, guilty, trapped
audreytoo
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Member # 58116

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I'm a queer woman, and have been with a cis male partner for about 9 months. I enjoy sex with him very much, and having someone in my life who cares about me has reduced my urges to self-harm, which always surface when I'm single/alone.

However, lately I have been missing women and wanting to be in a lesbian relationship again. This desire is very strong. My instincts tell me it is time to end my relationship with this man, because he wishes to be monogamous, and I want to pursue women.

However, he is deeply in love with me and I feel terrible, sick, and guilty when I think of leaving him. First, because I do care about him and the thought of hurting him kills me. I'm extremely sensitive myself and I hate the idea of making another human being sad. He is very attached to me and had indicated that I am the most important thing in his life, he would die without me, etc. I absolutely love this man, but am not "in love" because I think I'm mostly gay or at least homo-romantic.

Also, I am scared to tell him the truth about how I feel because I fear his reaction would be very intense. He has never really understood, took seriously, or accepted this part of me & my sexuality. (It is a secret from his family). Finally, I rely on him for financial support, which is a significant consideration as well. (Right now my only alternative income would be sex work, which has its own risks).

For all of these reasons, I'm worried that I won't ever feel like I am in a place where I can comfortably be honest with this man and end the relationship. I feel very trapped and stuck. What is the wisest thing to do in a situation like this?

Posts: 77 | From: U.S. | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BrightStar171
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I have a couple of thoughts about this. First of all, it's certainly normal to feel sad and guilty at the thought of ending a relationship with someone you care about. I really understand the feeling of hating to make another person sad- but please remember that staying in a relationship with him in which you're fundamentally unsatisfied and are unable to be "in love" with him is almost inevitably going to cause him more sadness in the long run.

With that said, I have to express some concern about some of the things you've said. You've said here that he's told you you're "the most important thing in his life," and that "he would die without you," and you fear his reaction if you tried to leave him. All of those things, to me, suggest at least some level of emotional manipulation and possibly abuse. So does your comment that he never took seriously or accepted what you told him about your sexuality. You haven't given very many details here, but at the bare minimum, he does not sound like a safe or healthy person for you to be in a relationship with. (And I think you know this, because you don't want to be in a relationship with him but are afraid to leave.)

One thing you might consider doing is reaching out to support services for domestic abuse victims in your area. (The National Domestic Violence Hotline and RAINN might be good starting places.) I know most people think of them as being intended for physical abuse, but they certainly deal with emotional abuse as well, and they can help you come up with a plan for leaving your partner safely- they may even be able to give you suggestions regarding the financial issues.

Posts: 100 | From: Virginia, USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LianHua
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I agree with BrightStar that there might be emotional abuse occurring. It doesn't seem healthy that you feel scared to discuss issues of sexuality with him.

However, I wonder why you say: 'I absolutely love this man, but am not "in love" because I think I'm mostly gay or at least homo-romantic.'
How do you differentiate between "love" and "in love"? Do you feel that it is your sexuality that prevents being in love in general or is it something more specific to this situation?

Posts: 13 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cricket
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It is hard to go through life without ever upsetting another person. Breakups are hard, and tend to make people feel at least a bit sad. Most people will have to deal with that experience at some point in some way, and it is your partner's responsibility to handle the emotions that come up with that. You can certainly be respectful and gentle in breaking up with him, but you aren't required to try and buffer the blow of the breakup down to nothing - I'm not sure how one would do that. It is okay to make people sad sometimes, if you need to do so in order to ensure your own health and safety. Sadness is a part of life, as are all emotions. The fact that he says he loves you doesn't make you obligated to stick with him or prevent him from ever having an unhappy moment.

I agree with BrightStar and LianHua that this sounds like an emotionally abusive situation - the fact that your partner expresses his attachment to you in such dramatic (and death-related) terms really worries me. Also, you say he is deeply in love with you, but at the same time it sounds like he is using your emotional sensitivity to make this relationship feel inescapable, and he doesn't particularly respect or understand your sexual orientation. Do you have any friends you could contact to help you find a job or a place to stay? Pull up whatever contacts you have in your life - the people who know you personally have more physical resources to offer than I can give on a forum, and may be able to give you some advice even better fitted to your particular life.

Posts: 62 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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