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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Bisexual, Homosexual, Anxiety?

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Author Topic: Bisexual, Homosexual, Anxiety?
LianHua
Neophyte
Member # 96145

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Hi everyone! I have kind of a complicated question to ask.
Is it in the normal range of experience for a heterosexual or bisexual woman to not find the male body to be very attractive or even be repulsed by male genitalia?

I have been considering myself a bisexual woman for a while after I finally had to admit to myself that I did have real sexual attraction for other women. In the meantime, I am engaged to a sweet young man whom I love a lot. But I not feeling attracted to his genitals. At the moment. I am scared that I might be homosexual rather than bisexual (scared because I love this man, not because I think there is anything wrong with being homosexual).

Meantime, another issue is my ambivalence to sex. I was raised fundamentalist Christian, and as a result I am scared about having sex. I suspect I may even have vaginismus. I don't know if this is in part causing problems with attraction.

Anyways, I'd love any advice or commiseration.

Posts: 13 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI LianHua and welcome to Scarleteen!


Perhaps you can talk a little more about what you mean when you say you're not attracted to your fiance's genitals. That is, what is it that you do feel when you look at or think about his genitals?

I'm also wondering if you feel sexually attracted to him as a whole. There is more to attraction than genitals after all.

Certainly the messages we get about sexuality and bodies while we're growing up can affect how we feel about, and our level of comfort with, sexuality.

Have you had any sexual experience prior to this relationship?

When it comes to sexual orientation, there's so much individual variability that there really isn't a normal range of experience. To use what you're describing as an example, a woman might find most males genitals unappealing, consider herself a lesbian or bisexual with a preference for women, then meet a man whom she enjoys sexually, genitals and all. All that to say that sexual orientation is variable, and can change over the lifetime.

Have you been able to talk with a doctor about your suspicions that you have vaginismus?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LianHua
Neophyte
Member # 96145

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quote:
Originally posted by Robin Lee:
HI LianHua and welcome to Scarleteen!


Perhaps you can talk a little more about what you mean when you say you're not attracted to your fiance's genitals. That is, what is it that you do feel when you look at or think about his genitals?
I'm also wondering if you feel sexually attracted to him as a whole. There is more to attraction than genitals after all.

Certainly the messages we get about sexuality and bodies while we're growing up can affect how we feel about, and our level of comfort with, sexuality.

Have you had any sexual experience prior to this relationship?

When it comes to sexual orientation, there's so much individual variability that there really isn't a normal range of experience. To use what you're describing as an example, a woman might find most males genitals unappealing, consider herself a lesbian or bisexual with a preference for women, then meet a man whom she enjoys sexually, genitals and all. All that to say that sexual orientation is variable, and can change over the lifetime.

Have you been able to talk with a doctor about your suspicions that you have vaginismus?

Thanks for the welcome!

When I say not attracted, I mean that I see male genitalia as strange and grotesque. I wonder how anyone could find them attractive, although I suppose some people must. As for more in general, I do feel attracted to his face, and to a lesser extent his upper body, but in general, his lack of feminine curves seems weird to me. Maybe it's just that I am accustomed to my own body or that I am used to seeing only women being portrayed as sexy in the media, I'm not sure why that is.

I have been in relationships before this, but only with men. The first relationship was coerced and abusive (including sexually abusive), and the second was not at all sexual.

And as for your last question, at this time, I don't have health insurance, so I'm going to wait on this until I get employment. I'm not in a rush to have piv sex, so it's not a huge worry for me at this point.

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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Hi Again,

It sounds to me, and please feel free to correct me if I'm off-base, as if you're pretty comfortable with the way things are right now, but concerned about how things will be when you and your partner do engage in PIV sex.

Do you currently engage in any sexual activities with your fiance? Have you talked with him at all about your uncertainties around sexuality?

Experiencing sexual abuse can certainly lead to feeling repulsion towards, or even just ambivalence about, the idea of sex or of starting a sexual relationship. Have you been able to process your experience with a counsellor or sexual assault support group?

IN terms of thinking about your sexual orientation, you may find these articles helpful:

The Bees and...the Bees: A Homosexuality and Bisexuality Primer

Bi the Dozen: A Bisexuality Quiz

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LianHua
Neophyte
Member # 96145

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Yes, I do feel fairly comfortable, although I want to be sure to have a healthy relationship, so my reaction to my partner's genitals is a concern to me. Sometimes, I do feel a small sense of loss that I may never have the experience of a relationship with another woman, but I think part of that is giving up my independence to marriage, possible children, etc. It seems so normative I guess?

Yes, I do engage in some sexual activities with my fiance. Mostly stuff like naked cuddling (protected). Some (attempted) manual and oral sex (mostly on me as I feel apprehensive about going down on him).

I have discussed some of this with a counselor before, but many of the issues then (such as guilt for being somewhat sexually active) are pretty well resolved.

Thanks for posting the articles. I had read them before, but rereading them now was helpful. I particularly identify with this statement:
"The way people characterize their sexual identity can change over time, and people's attractions can also change over time. What attracts us and arouses us is extremely variable, and our desires can change quite a lot over the course of our lives."

To be honest, changing so rapidly scares me. I grew up rather fundamentalist and conservative, and it wasn't until my late teens that those ideas were challenged. It wasn't until more recently that a lot of my beliefs on things like evolution, homosexuality, and such changed. It makes it challenging to maintain a healthy relationship dynamic when I feel like my opinions and beliefs change so rapidly. Having attractions change at the same time (or at least the awareness of attractions) in addition to all this is a little like having a rug pulled out from under me.

Posts: 13 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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