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Author Topic: Confused.
OneOfThree
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I’m Madeline, I’m thirteen and I recently realised that I’m a lesbian.
I don’t really get it myself, to be honest. I used to self-harm but with help from this sight my wrists have been clear for almost two weeks now but I’m still finding it difficult to get over what I have realised.
So, I’m certain I’m gay. I’m only attracted to wimin – I’ve had a lot of ‘idols’. That’s what I thought they were people I wanted to be like but I looked along all of these pretty females and realised that as well as idolizing them I was attracted to them…
That’s not important anymore I guess, what I do want to talk about is that I’m having trouble coping. I haven’t told anyone. I’m keeping it to myself, seeing as I’m still young. There are a few things that worry me. How much does it change your life? I’ve always had set plans, I want to have kids and life a normal life but if I’m gay it’s not going to be that easy. A number of times now I’ve tried to trick myself into thinking that it’s all a phase but I know it’s not, it never will be. I need to get over that I guess.
Are there laws against same sex couples? I think I heard something about it in an e4l (Education for life – I don’t know whether you have that in America – it’s like personal health class) lesson. I think that you have to be a certain age or something before you’re aloud to date another woman or something stupid like that…
I’m just freaked out, I don’t know what to do and I’m too nervous to tell anyone. I know that I am gay, that’s a definite but I don’t know what to do about it and I don’t want to be. I’m sorry for going on – I’m really nervous. Any help will be welcome. Thank you.

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Heather
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I'm really glad you felt able to talk about this here, and we're happy to support you with this. [Smile]

Let's start here: what's a "normal" life? And where do you think your ideas about what's "normal" have come from?

Is there something that is not "normal" about a lesbian who does all the things you've wanted to do with your life so far? If so, why?

In the UK, there aren't laws against same sex couples, but there are still some rights opposite-sex couples have same-sex couples do not. But the age of consent when it comes to sex is the same there, no matter the gender of someone's partner, and there aren't any laws about who can date whom, period.

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OneOfThree
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Firstly thank you for replying to my post (:

I didn't meen to be rude when I said 'normal' I whatch alot of glee and I know that gay people are normal from all the plots that they do about being gay. it's just, I had this whole idea, I was going to grow up, go to drama school and have kids. (Girls - wendla and ilse) I had it all planed out from the moment I turned 11. I was going to have a big wedding in this beautiful hall, ect... Buy normal I ment like husband, kids a dog - you know. the sort of things they show you in the movies...

I'm not saying that lesbiens aren't normal, its just that I've had so much been through so much already. for most people, at least they don't have to go through ANOTHER crisis about wether they like men or wimin, I didn't want that to happen.

I also hate the idea of telling my mom and dad, I don't like even thinking about it. I am just scaired. I want to be this normal, simple person... I just don't think that will happen and it hurts.

the other thing is that it upsets me that gay people don't get the rights that strate people do... I meen it's not my fault that I find wimin attractive and why should I be punnished for somthing I didn't do myslef, for somthing that to be honest I'd almost like to change about myself.

thank you for replying again, i'm verry greatfull.

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Heather
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It's okay, I didn't think you were being rude. [Smile]

Well, lots of people don't get married or have husbands, including lots of heterosexual people. I think the idea of "woman-who-has-husband" is what a normal person is is problematic for a lot of reasons, you know?

You can be whatever orientation you are, though, and go to drama school, raise a family, and even have a spouse if you want that.

I wouldn't, also, pose being lesbian as a crisis. For sure, some people won't handle it well or be okay with that, but some people react poorly to someone looking different than they do, being a different size or race, having a disability, being poorer.... I mean, you name it, and someone won't be accepting of it.

I'm not sure I know a single "simple, normal" person. In my experience, all people are pretty darn complicated and complex.

You're right, that those of us who are queer don't have the same civil rights is unjust, just like it is any time a group of people aren't given the same rights as another group. But that has been changing, quite a lot. Heck, just in my lifetime I have watched really major changes happen, and it seems clear they will continue to.

But the idea something is wrong with any group of people who are oppressed, and THEY should change, rather than seeing oppression by others as the issue and THAT needing to change is backwards. Of course, it's easy to feel that way, because stigma, bias and oppression tend to have that impact. But that's still just not right, just like it wasn't right, for instance, here in the US for people of color to be without the same rights, or women to, and that's about something being wrong with oppression, not with women or people of color.

Know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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moonlight bouncing off water
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OneOfThree, you said in the other thread that you told the counselor that you're talking to that you're a lesbian. Do you think you might be comfortable discussing this with her/him a little more and coming up with a strategy with him/her to tell your family, if this is what you want to do? (By all means you don't have to tell your family right away if you don't want to, and I'm not trying to discourage you from discussing it on here, I just think that that is one more place you can get support with this and it's great to have someone in person to talk to.)

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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OneOfThree
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Firstly, thank you again for all of your help, it serously is changing everything.

I agree with all you've said and it's been a real pick up (:

about talking to the councler - I want to, that is true it's just I get scaired. the room we do councling is 'upstaires'. buy that I meen all the head teachers and sinuor members of staffs offices are there. all the peopole who could potenchaly hear. I want to talk to her about it but \I'm so afraid someone might her i always have to whisper, its not helpfull that its where all the teachers are also all the children who have done rong go up there when tehy are in trouble. if one of them was to find ouut I wouldn't even be able to... I don't know, i don't even want to think about it.

thank you for your reply, its so helpfull x

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Heather
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You know, we could certainly help you look into a local group or counselor or center specifically for LGBT youth if that's a safer space you'd feel better about talking with someone in.

The UK is pretty darn good when it comes to resources anymore, especially if you're in or near any of the major cities.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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moonlight bouncing off water
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OneOfThree, I just wanted to check in and see how everything is going for you. How is dealing with all of this going?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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OneOfThree
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Sorry for not replying, my laptop broke.
I'm doing okay, my guidence councler isn't gay, she isn't a self harmer and with everything exsext those things she's perfect. I find it easyer typing all of theese things. I'm still having trouble talking.
thank you all for helping. (:

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Your welcome! Is there anything we can do to help? And I'm glad that you're doing so much better with all of this [Smile] .

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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OneOfThree
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I'm glad I'm dooing better too. I was wondering about a few things and thats about comming out... I don't know when the right time to do it is. It was just somthing that has been bugging me.
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moonlight bouncing off water
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Well first I should note that I always feel like an immense hypocrite when I suggest to people that they should come out, since my family still doesn't know that I'm bisexual. A lot of what I am about to say is likely highly influenced by that and by my own experiences coming out to my friends. (and by the fact that I find it royally in just that straight people don't need to come out at all)

How do you feel about your sexuality at this point? I know you felt pretty darn bad about it not too long ago, have you started to be more accepting of yourself? I ask because I know that it is often (but of course not always) a lot harder to come out when one still hasn't fully accepted one's own sexuality.

How do you feel about coming out? Does it feel like something you are ready for? If it does, do you want to come out to everyone at once (which could easily feel overwhelming) or do you want to come out to only a few people? If it is the latter, whom would you like to come out to? Do you think that their reaction would be a positive one or a bad one? Could you handle a negative reaction? Because as soon as you come out to one person you are risking getting a negative reaction.

Whether or not you should come out is totally up to you. If you think that coming out would put you in danger, then it is highly inadvisable, otherwise it's really just a matter of what feels right.

When I came out to my friends I had a variety of reactions. I've had people pretty accept it with no fan fare, I have had people get really excited, because they didn't know that and now they don't feel like the only queer person in a thousand mile radius and I've had some people be pretty darn hurtful. When I came out to my [then] best friend, I did so by telling her the name of the girl I liked at the time. Even though I had just finished telling her who I liked, she responded with "I just want to be friends". I was insulted, and hurt that she believed the stereotype that all gay and bi people are attracted to all people of the same gender and that she believed that I liked her. That was kind of what killed the friendship, that and some other things.

I dunno whether you should come out, what do you think?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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OneOfThree
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My sexualty? I don't know. I tell myself over and over again that i'm okay with it. but as soon as it gets to telling people, when I told my guidence conuncler for instance I was crying. I feel sick when thinking about it sometimes. I want to be okay with it yet I still find it dificult.
I don't want to come out to my pairents yet, not really. they would be patrinising and stuff and I'm not that close with them. its just that when it comes to my friends, I wish I could tell them. I'm sure they'll treet me difrently. I told my friend hannah, were not that close. we sit next to eachotehr in maths. She said she thought she might be gay too. though ever since she said that she has been alot worse about it. she has started telling anyone who will listen about how she will one day marry danial radcliff and we were talking in history and she goes 'I'm normal, I like boys' - I wanted to like hit her. I didn't. I didn't even say it upset me which it really did. she isn't negative about me though, only she says she thinks she is gay and then she thinks she's strate and she ends up making me want to hit her because she doesn't try to but offends me in doing so.
I want to come out to my three best frineds they wouldn't be negative, I'm sure of that its just they might treet me difrently, or tell people. because I spend so much time with them it would be weard like when we are sleeping over and stuff, they might think I'm going to make a pass on them or somthing, which I wouldn't.
I'm not sure. i've come out to my friend savanah, well I didn't really come out. she goes when we were talking once 'we all know about your little crush on rachel berry' though she's alot older than me (16) and really my sisters friend, I just see her now and again.
I told my friend george, he's strate and I don't see him anymore because he moved to paris. we talk online and I told him then.
with my friend hannah, I deny it all the time its weard with her like I talked about before. I don't know If I could really say I've come out though, seeing as they all have difrent things attached to them.
thank you for your reply. [Smile]

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Your welcome [Smile] .

I'm sorry to hear about your friend's horrible statements. (It might help to realize that her reaction could be based off her own self-resentment about her orientation. I know that doesn't make what she said less painful, but sometimes I personally find it easier to look at things through the lens of why they might arise). Oh, and I would have wanted to hit her too. Homophobia is really insulting and infuriating and annoying.

With regards to not wanting to tell your parents just yet, I really hear you on that one. I don't know why, but I can't seem to come out to my parents either.

With regards to friends, I can understand why you might be concerned about that. My friends are actually great about this, they don't have any more issue about getting changed in front of my than they do my heterosexual friends (in fact, I had a friend ask me to help her with her bra, if that's not her being comfortable with me, I don't know what is [Smile] ). Your friends may surprise you, or they may not. If you do choose to come out to them you could voice these fears if you so chose.

As per being okay with your sexuality, that is something that I think only time (and education about sexuality) can mend. It takes time and real effort to unlearn internal biases. I find myself tripping over biases I didn't know I still had all the time. The most important thing you can do is reassure yourself that even though being a lesbian might not feel like it's okay, that it is.

Also, I thought I'd link you to a couple of articles that might help you with this (these are ones that I found particularly helpful when I was at the same point as you in terms of self acceptance):

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/start_your_sexuality_canon

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/sexuality_wtf_is_it_anyway

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gaydar/the_bees_and_the_bees_a_homosexuality_and_bisexuality_primer

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/politics/a_calm_view_from_the_eye_of_the_storm_hysteria_youth_and_sexuality

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gaydar/dont_let_the_door_hit_you_on_the_way_out

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/politics/on_identifying_identities

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gaydar/the_making_of_a_homo

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/words/hi_my_name_is_polyqueergenderqueer

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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OneOfThree
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thank you for the links! I've read them all and they really did help. I forgot to menchion in my last post that I told my friend Molly about thinking I was 'bi'. this was affectivly lieing becuase I'm pretty sure I'm not bi to be fair I'm sertan I'm lesbien as I'm not attracted to guys, no matter how hard I try. when i told mollie shhe basicly goes 'why would that bother me' and then asked me who I had a crush on. I told her rachel berry and she goes 'I meen real people' I said no one and she left it at that. ever since then she's said nothing about it, no comments, nothing.
its werd, she's the friend I've known most of my life, like since we could only just talk. we went to new yourk together over the holls and the intre time she said nothing. nothing about me being gay, nothing about any of it. we used to be closer I guess, my pairents tranceferd my schools to a privit paid school and she stayed in our old on about 2 years ago and we grew appart for a while but we got closer. what I wonder is anyway is why she hasn't said anything. she might be acting as if I never said anything to make herself feal better... maybe she has actualy forgoten but I dobt that. I'm confused.
thank you for replying, I may be rambling a little in this post. if you don't understand any of my pathettic spelling or gramma feel free to say, I'll try and exsplain...
thanks again.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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The spelling and grammar is a bit hard to read, but that's fine.

I understand how infuriating it can be when you tell someone something like this and then they act like you've said nothing. Do you want to discuss this with her? If so you could preface a discussion of it with, well I was wondering why you hadn't said anything about this before... Your friend might be wondering the same thing as you , that is, she might be wondering why *you* haven't brought it up.

As per saying bi, instead of lesbian, does this bother you? Because it can be hard enough to come out to some one in any respect, so sometimes things can come out of our mouths a little differently than we might of liked, and sometimes a partial truth feels easier than the full blown truth. If you do want to tell her that you are a lesbian, if you are having a further conversation with her about your sexuality you could tell her then. You could say something like, remember when I told you that I'm bi, well I'm actually a lesbian. It doesn't have to be a huge deal and quite frankly you've already gotten over the "I'm not heterosexual" hump, so it might be a little easier to tell her that you're a lesbian, if you do want to tell her. (Does that paragraph make sense to you, it seems a little rambly to me).

And I'm super glad the articles helped and I'm impressed that you read all of them, I linked you to a bucket load of them [Big Grin] .

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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OneOfThree
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I read them while I was blow drying my hair for the last week! [Razz]

only problem I'm havving is that its hard enough for me to say lesbien out loud. I always say gay, I don't know why. I think lesbien is just more dificult because it souds more formal I guess. I've had to come out to her once and I don't want to have to again. it was so hard the first time I ended up writing it down on a pece of paper in her bedroom and throwing it across the room for her to read.

The reason it bothers me is just because I feel like i'm lieing. I feel as if I'm beeing rude because I've come out to being something I'm not. It's weird with molly, she is the sort of person who goes 'stop being so gay' when people are annoying her. she doesn't do it to be meen, she has a few growth problems making her look a little weird, she notices it more than anyone but it makes her desperate to be like other people. I don't think she wants me to talk about it because savanah (one of the people who does know) was over the same time as her and made a joke about me being gay - something about when I said I love lea micheles voice she goes 'I know about some other things you love about lea michele'. you'd expect molly to make some egnoligment but all she did was smile and change the subject and again it leves me confused.

thank you for replying - and I understand all of what you said if any one rambles its me...

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Yeah, the use of gay as a synonym for stupid can be really, really infuriating. I know it can really suck to be the one always calling people out on doing that but have you considered telling her that it annoys you?

As per not being able to say lesbian, I totally understand that, and I totally understand it being hard for you to say lesbian. Even though I'm bisexual I used to be way more comfortable with saying gay than I was saying bisexual. I think it's probably something to do with how commonly the words are said.

Also, I think it might have to do with the number of syllables in each word. So while "bi" or "gay" is only one syllable, "lesbian" is three. So to say lesbian you have to take a lot longer, and when you're coming out to someone and wonder how they'll react, every second can be an eternity. That's kind of why I mostly came out to my friends as "bi" rather than going for the whole word and saying bisexual.

And might it help if you didn't think about it as coming out to her all over again? Maybe if you thought about it as clarifying your exact identity?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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OneOfThree
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firstly thank you for replying.

before I came out to mollie me and my big sister told her how stupid it was. my sister is a peer mentor and is really into that kind of stuff. mollie kept on doing it and millie goes 'its stupid because you don't hear people going thats so lesbien' and then she started the 'omg thats so lez' which made me want to slap her.
I guess you right about it not beeing coming out again but I hate starting the convosations - It weards me out. I perfure it when someone else starts. I just find alot of this difucalt to be fair.

another thing that has been annoying me, and I know I sound like one of those people where everything is awful and I want to kill you all so sorry. but anyway, I'm lead in the school musical and I'm playing a dude.
when the cast director (a pe teacher to be fair) was talking to us about the charicters saying who is who and that she goes 'and though its a bit weard and freaky maddie falls in love with charlot's charicter at the end'
it made me angry. I guess there is young people in the production because were a middle school but serously! how exsactly is she suppose to be open and all that when the idea of two femails who are pretending to be a male and a femail falling in love is 'weard and freaky'! I just wanted to hit her....
is it just me who gets so angry about this? or am I over racting?

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moonlight bouncing off water
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You aren't over reacting at all. Things like that drive me crazy too. It's infuriating when people are being so biased, especially when that person is in a position of authority, since it makes telling that person off kind of a non-option.

Do you want to clarify your sexuality with your friend if it means that you might be the one who needs to start up the conversation?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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OneOfThree
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Kind of. I don't really know. I hate talking about it, like I said. it makes me feel as if I'm some perve who's looking up like little girls scirts. I almost want to ignore it but I'm pretty sure if I do it wont go away... what do you recomend I do?
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moonlight bouncing off water
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Well I'm sure you know that your sexuality doesn't mean that you're a perv. It doesn't mean that at all. While it can be easy to feel really bad about one's sexuality if one has been taught negative things about said sexuality, feeling that way doesn't make it true. Homosexuality isn't any sort of a perversion. I know that often there is a discreptency between what one knows intellectually, and what one feels. How do you think that you might be able to come to terms with your sexuality? Do you think that you could discuss with your counsellor how negatively you feel about being a lesbian? I ask this not because I want to end this conversation (I'm happy to talk as long as you want) but because your therapist is bound to be way better at helping you with this than I am. I used to resent myself for being bisexual. I used to think "you're a lesbian [I didn't even know that bisexuality existed at that point, so I thought I was a lesbian] so you should find that girl attractive, god you're dispicable". Yes, I really felt that way about myself. I'd then look at a woman and force myself to examine her body, because I was convinced that "that's what lesbians do, so it's what I do". But I was fortunately with time able to get over my self resentment and start thining along way more positive lines.

Remember, you can't control what others say to you, only what you think to yourself. If you had someone sitting next to you all day, whispering in your ear that being a lesbian is bad, then you would have trouble not believing that. Well your thoughts are just like someone whispering in your ear, only you can control them. So don't let yourself think bad thoughts, no ifs ands or buts. When you catch yourself thinking negatively, stop yourself. It will take a long time consciously monitering what you are telling yourself to get good at this, but eventually it will be mostly automatic. It might help to make a list of things that you like about yourself so that you can think about one of those things when you start feeding yourself negative thoughts. How about you start the list on here? What are at least 5 things you love about yourself?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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OneOfThree
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I get on with my councler. thats all. I find it easy to talk to her about aguments with my pairents, with my sister or friends but not my sexuality. I don't know why I just don't like her. its stupid, and pathetic I think its because I have to talk about. Like I said before out loud. I don't know wether this is a thing with theripists but she doesn't ever let things go. ever. I didn't want to tell her what I cut myself with and she asked and asked and didn't stop until I told her. its infureating. I just hate it. I know its being a little childish... also, she's not gay, she's never self harmed. ect. she doens't know what its like but it seems to me that she acts like she knows everything because she's got some kind of degree in that stuff. I don't know, I'm beeing a bit of a idiot when it comes to this I guess.
Okay, a list... this may take me a while:
1.
I'm good at E4l? I'm got the highest grade in my year on our last test 'things that inspire me'...
2.
I'm good at singing... I guess. I am grade 6 musical theather and going on to grade 7 music theory.
3.
I am good at drama. I managed to make my engish teacher cry with my monalog.
4.
I think...I'm good at talking to people. they tell me things and I keep them secret offering them advise.
5.
I'm a good friend. I don't lie about anything other than my sexuality.

to be fair that took me a good 15 minutes. I don't want to sound arragont though I probly did.

I need to confess to somthing. I cut myself last night. on my arm, only 7 times. I'm pretty dissapointed as I haven't in so long. about a month I think. I was trying to get to sleep and I was thinking over my day... its just this thing happened.

this boy in my class james and I really do not get on. I'm close with his friend josh. See josh speeks really poshly so I call him posh boy. basicly me and him were aguing about it, as we tend to and james gose 'Oh I'm maddie. I slit my wrists for attenchion and I'm a lesbien'
he knows.
I don't know how. he may have just been doing it as a joke but i think there are rumors because I'm so protective of gay people. no one dwelled on it - my friend kesley saw that I was having a mini crisis and goes 'someones obvously on there man period' and every one laughed no one thinking about his comment. I hope.
I'm so scaired. I think people might know. I think they think I'm gay. I don't know what to do.

and now I've cut myself, somthing I'd managed not to do. for ages. my pairents know I did it they don't know why though, there still clueless. I am a idiot. I couldn't stop... It was only 7 times, they wern't verry deep and wont leave scars. thats what dad says. I actauly avoided my wrist, there really on my arms.

thank you for reading all this, and getting through my spellings, Its late so I'm even worse and I'm rambling. x

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moonlight bouncing off water
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First off, you don't sound arrogant or vain in making that list at all. It's really, really important for you to have things about yourself that you like, it's healthy not vain.

Second of all, you're not being stupid about your counselor, it is important for the system to work for you. And just because your counsellor hasn't been in the same place as you it doesn't mean that she can't help you through it. That's not to say that she can understand all of where you're coming from. And there certainly are counsellors and people in general who think that they know everythign when they don't and when faced with individuals like this it can be really infuriating. How do you feel about your counselor: is she someone you will be comfortable continuing to see, do you feel like she can give you what you need out of the counselor patient relationship? If you don't feel that she can, is getting a different counselor an option? Also, I just wanted to note that the counseling may well be a hard process, you will not be able to walk into her office and talk for a while and have everything work well instantly, but with commitment and hard work it can work. But of course, it needs to be comfortable.

As per cutting yourself: first off, I'm so sorry that that boy at school was so rude and arrogant. Secondly as per the actual cutting yourself, you say your parents know you did this again, did you get the support that you needed from them at that point in time? And don't see what you did as a failure, see it as you went for a month without cutting yourself and that is progress, and you'll keep getting better with time.

This article might be of interest to you: Self-Injury and Relationships It might not be totally applicable, I haven't scanned the whole thing but it looks like it has some info that might be of interest to you.

Is there anything specific in terms of advice that you're looking for from us here, or do you just want to keep the communications just like this?

PS, I thought I'd note: I know you're probably not at where you'd like to be with all of this, but I've noticed a radical change for the better in the way you've expressed feeling and dealing with all of this. Where there's a will, there's a way.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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OneOfThree
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firstly thank you for sticking with me, I know I'm rambing alot.
Seeing a nother councler is not a option. the councler at my school is the one from the upper school, she comes in once a week on thursday afternoons. theres no one else. she does help to a sertan exstent, she's helping me with conferdence, and getting me through the aguments I somtimes have with my sister. she's good with all those kinds of things. when it comes to beeing gay, I don't get anything out of it. partly because i'm so nervouse that people are going to hear through the door. partly because I just don't like talking to strate people about it, I don't know why and its stupid but... I just don't.
I told my dad the day after that I had cut myslef 7 times. he cheaked them and they wern't deep. they asked what I did it with and I didn't anser. they asked why I did it and I didn't anser. like I've said before, I'm not good at talking to them.
Looking back, a month i guess is a atchevement. still, it sucks that I didn't last longer. all my frineds were really supportive when I told them. kelsey seemed really upset but just asked me to please not do it again, they don't really get it I think. then again, I don't see how they could.
thank you for the link, I just read it and it's a intresting perspective.
I like comunicating like this, it makes it feel less formal there for easyer to talk to. as if i'm talking to one of my frineds in school instead of a councler sitting in a chair on the opisit side of a room.

I am proud of myself for what I've done. I'm getting better I'm sure. thank you for believeing [Smile]

I do have a question, if you don't mind. when all this is over, and I've stoped compleetly (if I ever do) I wondered... If I ever had a girlfriend, would it be right for me to tell her that when I was 13 I used to self harm? would it be rong not to? I know its looking ahead seeing as I haven't even come out yet but I just wondered.

xx

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Well, I'll start with your question first. No, it wouldn't be wrong for you to tell a future girlfriend that you cut yourself when you were thirteen and it wouldn't be wrong not to. When people are in relationships they tend to tell each other lots of things, but by the very fact that they've been alive for many years they can't possibly tell them every single thing that has occurred in their life. That'd really be something you'd want to think about when you got into a relationship.

And I do believe in you very very much. You seem like a wonderful person and I know that as long as you keep believing in yourself you are going to do amazingly.

Don't discount your counsellor just because she's straight okay? (Also, how do you know she's straight, unless someone expressly says to you that they're heterosexual, you really can't know). Even a straight counsellor can give you lots of support and advise. You can be sure that she's had more than one person she's counselled who wasn't straight.

And since getting another counsellor isn't a possibility, if you want counselling to work for you'll need to do your best to work with the counsellor you do have. Have you expressed to her how you feel about the counselling? How do you feel about it exactly? Have you asked any questions about exactly what the plan as it were is for the sessions (ie what the goal is from talking to her)? Do you have any questions or concerns about the counselling that you haven't been able to express to her? If you do you should ask her these questions. Often just saying, 'this setting feels really formal', or 'I'm kind of afraid that people will be able to hear what I say through the door' can really help the communications between you and the counsellor. Also, the more you tell the counselor, the more information she has to be able to help you. (Also, if you're stuck on a way to tell her, you could start off by telling her about the boy who made fun of you and called you a lesbian, just to get actually saying the word out of the way).

Also, something that might make it easier to say the word lesbian to someone else is to say it to yourself (if you're alone at home this is a great time to do this).

--------------------
~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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OneOfThree
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I'm pretty sure she's strate, she's never said anthing about it but she talks about her son allot.
I haven't told her about the dificultys with the councling. I know it sounds stupid but I don't want to hurt her feelings, here she is trying her best to help me, I don't want to go 'oh buy the way I don't like the way you councling me' it just sounds rude. I hate the idea of beeing ungreatfull in any way seeing as with things like my brother and sister, and those kind of things that get me down she's been really helpfull.
I did ask what she was going to do with me for a the time we were working together she said she didn't have a set plan and she wanted to see how things went. I told her that I was afraid of people hearing when I told her I was gay so she moved our seets to the other side of the room.
I tried a few minutes ago saying the word lesbien to myself because my pairents are out. I couldn't say it with out laughing or blushing. I'm not so good at it yet. I'm good with saying gay. thats easy. but lesbien is still hard.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Okay, well please remember that bisexuality does exist and that lots of gay people have sons okay? And again, even if she isn't gay herself it doesn't mean that she can't help you with your feelings around that.

And it isn't ungrateful to tell her what things aren't working for you, although I can understand why you might feel that way. While I certainly wouldn't say "I don't like the way you're counselling me" because you're right, that wouldn't be very polite I might say something slightly different. You could say something like, "I really appreciate how much you've helped me with the way I deal with my brother and sister, but there's some other things that I'd like help with that I just don't feel like we're tackling in a way that is helpful to me". How would you feel about saying something like that? What would you like to add, change or take away from that statement? (maybe you could edit that statement the way you could say it and then put it in your reply and we can go from there on what to tell your cousellor?)

And as per saying lesbian, you'll probably get better at it with time. When I first started trying to sat words like that when I was thinking about them in the context of myself, my heart would beat so fast that I thought it was going to leap out of my chest. It can be really hard to start saying any word if it's a word one never thought that one would use in the context of themself.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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OneOfThree
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Oh! I didn't meen to sound rude! I promise, I wasn't trying to be biest or jugemental or stupid when I said I thought she was strate... Sorry...
I think I'd probally say it how you prased it exsactly. however its' mostly about talking. I still feel uncomftible and odd and sick when I talk about being gay, I don't like it. I blush and can't look at the person i'm talking to. I'm awful at it. thats why I'm not talking about it to her at the moment. I litterly think I wouldn't be able to.
thank you for replying.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Is talking about being gay something you want to do with your counselor? Also, I thought I'd note: you don't have to call yourself a lesbian if you don't want to. If gay is a more comfortable word for you then you have every right to say that instead. Also, I'm not quite clear on this: have you told your counselor you're gay?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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OneOfThree
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I told my coucler I was gay on our second meeting. it was at the verry end of the seshion, she hasn't asked me questions about it since then. she has just taken it as a given. for instance I was talking to her about my frined savanah and she goes 'is it more than a frinedship' which really annoyed me to be fair. it felt like she was saying 'because your gay you can't have a friend who is femail and not date them'
I kind of want to talk to her, but I'd find it too dificult, see normaly i can play it off as I don't give a damn. thats what I've done with my friends who know, but with her she knows its hard for me because when I told her I was so scaired I was crying. one of the resons I don't want to talk to her about it is because she goes 'so your telling me your attracted to wimin' I really wanted to say 'some wimin' because I hate that sterotype that gays are attracted to everyone of the same sex, I meen one of my best friends is a guy but I don't spend the intire time worrying he'll look down my shirt!
I find it really hard to talk about part of me wants to. one of the resons I'm asking on this site is because typing is easy, its alot more distant. also you don't have regular meetings with my pairents to descuss how I'm getting on...

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OneOfThree
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sorry I forgot to say thank you for replying, I'm on this all the time and I know it must get annoying - the fact that I wont stop moaning and never do anything. sorry x
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moonlight bouncing off water
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Perhaps you could let her know these things? Also, as per your counselor having regular meetings with your parents, do you know whether she is legally able to tell them what you discuss, or does doctor patient confidentiality apply here? Because if it does then you shouldn't have to worry about her being able to tell your parents. Perhaps if you wanted to talk to her about being gay you could try again bringing it up towards the end of the session? That way you don't have to worry that you'll have to have a huge conversation about it.

EDIT:
You don't have to keep thanking me every time I reply, your thanks is appreciated though. And don't worry you're not moaning (and it's not like anyone's forcing me to read this, if I didn't want to I wouldn't).

[ 02-04-2012, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: moonlight bouncing off water ]

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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OneOfThree
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Okay. [Smile]

She doesn't tell them everything, she can tell them if I've cut myself or if she is worried about me doing somthing at home. she does have to ask me first, its mostly just the fear that she might.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Okay, well it doesn't sound like your counselor would tell them then if you talk to her further about it, and if she did it does sound like she'd have to ask you first, so I think that if talking to her about it is something you decide that you want, it could be a really good idea. So how do you feel about the idea of bringing your orientation up towards the end of a session?

--------------------
~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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