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Author Topic: Questioning My Sexuality
KaiYin
Neophyte
Member # 42312

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Although I've never been with another girl (I'm a girl myself), I've had crushes on other girls, and realized that I was bisexual. Lately however, I've met a few other girls that are bisexual and although I've got a boyfriend, I'm curious about one of the girls. I've also been thinking about other girls more and more and think that my interest in girls is becoming stronger than my interest in boys, to the point where I'm considering breaking up with my boyfriend in order to see how a relationship with another woman would work out. I'm wondering if this is normal, and if it's possible that I could be a lesbian.
Posts: 2 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Johann7
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This is absolutely normal; sexuality is not a static, one-dimensional characteristic, rather it is a complicated, fluid aspect of who we are as people. While many people settle into one sexual identity and a certain set of behaviors that express this identity for much of their lives, many do not. In the same way that one might desire sexual activity one day (or week, month, etc.) and not another, a person may also desire different kinds of sexual activity at different times.

As for whether you're a lesbian, that's entirely up to you. Identities are ways we choose to represent ourselves to others in a very general sense, and different individuals who share a common aspect of identity might have different expressions of that identity. To use religion as an example, two people might both identify as Christian, one a Catholic and the other a Lutheran. Two people might identify as Catholic, while one considers contraception a sin and one does not. So the identities we choose should be viewed as very general categories that can mean different things to different people. Also, like most aspects of who we are as people, identities can shift from time to time, and that is not only normal, but ok as well.

The upshot of all of this is that YOU get to decide if you're a lesbian. Your identity is how you choose to describe yourself. As such, you should be open to discussing what specifically your chosen identity means to you, and you should not let others make you feel like your chosen identity is not valid or somehow "wrong". And it's perfectly alright to not be sure how you want to identify yourself, and/or to change your identity from day to day, week to week, etc. If you are unsure about your sexual identity, or if you don't want to describe yourself as what are often assumed to be more static identities, you might consider queer, which simply means not hetero-normative, or questioning, which means unsure.

If you are unsure about your sexual desires and want to become more in-touch with them, two things to consider are what you think about when you masturbate and which sexual experiences you've had that you've enjoyed (and what you enjoyed about them, and how much you enjoyed it). What people think about when they masturbate is usually a good indicator of their sexual desires at a given time, and what we've enjoyed/disliked about our sexual experiences is a measure of what we're like sexually over time.

Hope this helps. :-)

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Robble Robble Robble!

Posts: 46 | From: Milwaukee, WI USA | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KaiYin
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Thanks for the reply. You've given me a lot to think about. D; I already know that I'm more attracted to women than men, but you're right when you say that it's all just a label, in a sense.
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NonStraightAnswers
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You say that your interest in girls is becoming stronger than your interest in boys to the point that you're considering breaking up with your boyfriend. Are you still attracted to your boyfriend? If not, regardless of any identity/sexual orientation issues, that's something you may want to work through. If you're still attracted to boys but not as strongly as your are to girls, there may not be a label that feels fully "right". Personally I identify as lesbian because it's the simplest label to use since 99% of the people to whom I've been attracted have been women, but there's still that 1%, so the label doesn't fully "fit". Also, as was said above, sexuality is fluid and changes during the course of one's life, so even if a particular label does feel right now, that might not be the case forever.

Assuming that you are still interested in boys and in your boyfriend, do you feel like you're in a place where you want to be in a monogamous relationship? It sounds like you're feeling a need to explore your sexuality, and that you need to figure out how strongly you're feeling that, what you're getting from the relationship, and if there are other relationship models that might work better for you and your boyfriend?

Lastly, if for no other reason than to not unintentionally fuel anti-bisexual stigma among queer woman, if you do wind up getting involved with this girl, please be up front with her about what type of relationship you're looking for (friends-with-benefits for some "experimentation", a second partner while you're in an open relationship with your boyfriend, or a girlfriend for a monogamous relationship).

[ 03-09-2009, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: NonStraightAnswers ]

Posts: 63 | From: DC, MA, IL, IS - changes every couple years | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SheepySeahorse
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Member # 94239

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Hey, I know this is an old post, but I am going through a similar wave of feelings. Part of me really wants to sexually experiment with women, but I'm still pretty romantically attracted to the guy I'm dating. I'm also still curious about intimacy with men. I do feel as if the feelings I've had towards certain boys in the past have been pretty strong but things may be changing. This post really gives me a few ideas of where to go next. But any other advice?

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SunRainbowWomanhere133726
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Member # 94633

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This is absolutely normal. I've had the same thoughts- Im dating a guy now, but I still have feelings for women. I guess what you need to ask yourself is what is more important to you- your relationship with your partner, or conclusively determining your sexual orientation. For me, I've decided that my relationship is more important, but theres no saying that that's better than any other option.
I have also thought that a relationship with a woman would be better than a relationship with a man, and I hope that someday, if it doesn't turn out to be the person Im dating now, I will find my dream man- or woman. [Smile]

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sunrainbowwomanwashere

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SheepySeahorse
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Well-- I think I'm going to continue to see where things go with this guy and I. I , too, still see it a possibility that I will end up with my dream man-- or woman. Again, all this dating business is new to me.

But, what is going to complicate things/make things interesting is that soon I will be acting in a role where I will be playing a lesbian (just found out that I'm having a "girlfriend" and not a "boyfriend yesterday). So, there will be at least a little bit of an "experience" I guess. (a tiny bit of cuddling, maybe a kiss-- minimal. The girl who's playing my GF has a boyfriend and identifies as bi, not that that means anything, maybe it does, idk).

So, I guess I may be more aware of certain feelings head on. Or just having a "fun time/experience."
I saw on another site, something that was interesting: in general, society is more fascinated by the female form, regardless of orientation.

Any advice? Any thing else to think about?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, certainly our world and culture, pretty much universally, sexualizes women to a degree men are not sexualized, and that's a pretty huge disparity.

At the same time, I don't think that means that anyone's individual emotional or sexual interest in women is somehow suspect just because of that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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SheepySeahorse
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No, I wasn't judging anyone's sexuality, though I do think that it is pretty unfair how much images of women can be sexualized to the point of over-sexualization. Sorry for the wording : ( Overall, I think that there are many things wrong about how some people in "mainstream" society portray ideals of gender and sexuality, particularly in the media.
I'm not ashamed that I feel attracted to people. : )

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SheepySeahorse
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So, after thinking about it a lot, I went ahead and started having the talk of maybe being more of just friends with the guy, even though I truly wish that it didn't have to come to this. It doesn't seem fair, even if it is normal. I'm continuing to be very overwhelmed with the idea that maybe I've just been predominantly gay, or at least predominantly sexually attracted to women, all along, even if I am still fascinated by men (not all men, but certain men, as with certain women). It feels like life as I knew it meant nothing. My dreams have been more filled with women than ever and I'll wake up feeling "sexually happy," physically, but then immediately feel angry. There will always be part of me that's curious about the opposite sex and who knows maybe I will fall in love with a man someday (maybe even the same guy, although that's seeming unlikely), since sexuality can be fluid, as I'm really starting to figure out. I really want to keep a good relationship with this guy, but maybe, at least for now, the next person/people I date will be female. I feel really awful since it's so early in our relationship and he truly likes me for who I am, even though he is leaving things up to me (probably where the biggest pressure is). It's been hard to concentrate on school work and will probably continue to be so. I feel like I'm on this weird roller-coaster ride and I feel like things would have been different if it were different timing (i.e. if we'd gone out longer, or not until after winter break)
writing on these boards for the past few weeks may seem repetitive but also helpful
So: now what?

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New to all this

Posts: 22 | From: College | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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