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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Dumped for the first time; some friendly words would really help, please

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Author Topic: Dumped for the first time; some friendly words would really help, please
clouds in the sky
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Hello folks, wanted to say hi since this is my first post on the board.

In either case, I'm looking for some help and advice over how to heal myself from a very heartrending breakup last night. She was my best friend, my first girlfriend, and still a rather good friend even before we became a couple two months ago. I am having a very, very hard time trying to accept this and get my head around how someone can fervently tell you that they love you and still insist that they did even after "one day" deciding that they now have no more feelings for you.

I did a quick google search on healthy ways to recover (I already have a few mental issues to grapple with, so I know that it would be tempting to take the it's-easier-this-way-out suggestions, and therefore don't want to take the risk), and the most resounding step was to put some distance between myself and my ex. The problem is that she lives with a mutual friend in the room right next door to me (we are in the same small college), so between that and the fact that we have the same friends group, it is incredibly difficult to avoid seeing her or having even the slightest thing (such as a tree or even a passing scent) remind me of her. I understand that I am most likely being overly dramatic here, but this was a relationship that I took (and still take, I suppose) very seriously, as well as came out to my very homophobic family for. So I guess it's perhaps rather safe to say that with the exception of a friend who is willing to deal with this situation, I feel as though I have no support network to turn to.

I am sorry for being a downer so early in the morning, but I take my academics and schoolwork very seriously--so when I can no longer concentrate and have no motivation or desire to work on it or anything else that used to make me happy--I figure this means I need help before I end up adding another big problem to my life.

[ 01-18-2012, 08:52 AM: Message edited by: clouds in the sky ]

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moonlight bouncing off water
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You're not being "a downer", break-ups hurt, plain and simple. You're right that putting some distance between you two is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Given the close proximity of your living situations that will be harder, but still manageable.

Understand that it will take time to get over the break up. You two only broke up last night, it's is completely reasonable to be really, really hurt right now. How long it will take you to start feeling better is not something you can know. You might feel better next week, or next month or next year or something altogether different.

With most relationships, people put a lot of time and effort and emotion into them, so it's natural for it to hurt when those break-ups end.

What do you really enjoy doing? Because it can really help to throw yourself into hobbies that you enjoy, especially if you haven't had all that much time for them during the relationship.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
clouds in the sky
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I really love performing onstage, and the acting troupe I'm a part of is holding auditions soon, so I'm planning to do my best and hopefully get a part that I can throw myself into for a time. Otherwise, and especially for if I don't make it in, I am thinking that maybe I can try out a new student club or start swimming regularly at the gym, since I did not have much time for it before.

Thank you so much for your kind words! They really are a help!

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Saffron Raymie
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I'm so sorry you're going through this, clouds in the sky.

I understand that the living situation is very difficult, but do you think you can put distance between you despite things like seeing her by accident? Like, limiting private contact?

Those sound like amazing hobbies - and as Moonlight said, immersing yourself in hobbies can be a good release from hurt, and good way to stay busy while you heal. Healing is a journey, in which you rediscover yourself. Remember to feel proud of yourself every step of the way as you heal; the hurt you feel now is a pretty horrible thing to feel.

My very best wishes to you in your healing, we're here for you every step of the way if you'd like to talk things out.

Here's a link in case you'd like to have a read: Break-up Blues Busters.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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clouds in the sky
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Thank you very much for your kindness and advice, I really do appreciate it!

I'm doing my best, but in the past few days it seems as though she's around now a lot more often, even though it used to be the opposite while we were together, in fact. We are going to meet briefly for lunch tomorrow, which scares me some since I know this is most likely too early for me; but since we want to remain friends, I thought it might be a good idea to give ourselves a small example or two that it would be possible to slowly build ourselves back to how it used to be before we were together. Hopefully we might even share a special kind of friendship someday since we knew each other at a different level before; but that is a distant goal as far as I am concerned, and something that I will take my time making small steps toward.

I found that keeping myself busy and afloat makes me feel at least okay, if not good, and am thereby able to function enough to continue with everyday life. There have been setbacks, of course, such as running into or seeing her unexpectedly, along with the (mostly negative, unfortunately) emotions that come flooding from that, but I really want to be able to work past that and find out how I can change my feelings so I can be comfortable with having my friend--not my girlfriend--back.

Thank you so much again for your support; it really does feel wonderful and relieving somehow that there is a way out, and it might not quite be as much like the end of the world as I fluctuate back and forth thinking. I suppose the other mostly scary thing for me now is that sometimes when I take a step forward, it seems as though I inevitably take two steps back. I hope I will eventually reach my goal, but for now when I'm still so close to the starting line, I feel the healing journey is at its most terrifying. I can only hope that it gets better and easier with each day!

I also read your link and was so happy to see that there were other things I could do to help myself along the way! Thank you so very, very much!

[ 01-19-2012, 07:48 PM: Message edited by: clouds in the sky ]

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moonlight bouncing off water
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I'd highly advise you DON'T go and see her for the lunch, because you're right, it's probably way too soon. If you both don't have enough time to be on your own, then it's going to be a lot harder to get over this.

Also, hoping to get back to where you were when you were in the relationship? That's really only something that can be done if you're in a relationship. And it's really not a sound idea, in my opinion, to try anything with regards to friendship right now, since the pain from the lost relationship is still so fresh. When people break up, but then still spend a lot of time together, more often than not they end up hoping that the relationship will get rekindled, which can mess a lot up and end up hurting even more when it does, or doesn't happen.

I guess what I'm saying is, make sure you give yourself time to get over the relationship, before you enter into any kind of relationship (friendship included) with her again.

[Sorry if I'm being blunt, this is but advice and it is totally up to you whether you heed it or not. I just know that, with my break up, if I had been as close to my ex just after the break up as I might have wanted I probably would have had a way harder time getting over him. I know that, for me, the space and time away was what I needed to start being me again. But that is only my situation, and my relationship was not yours, and you are not me. But I think the principle still holds. (And sorry if I'm projecting my situation onto you, I've been very cynical about relationships since my break up, but I'm trying to be as objective as possible here, while still giving good advice)].

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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clouds in the sky
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It's alright, I was the one who asked for advice, after all! I really do appreciate your views and sharing your experience with me, so I want to thank you for that as well!

We ended up cancelling the lunch over text anyway, since it turned out that neither of us felt ready for it. It is a relief to me but also a slight point of contention (I'm not quite sure if that's even the right word?), since we now always seem to show up in the dining hall around the same time and within sight of each other. This is only an issue for me since due to having the same group of friends, one of us ends up leaving the table to go eat by themselves, which has each time been myself. I have already asked our mutual friend whom she lives with next door for them both to maybe not talk so loudly (the walls between our rooms are rather thin, and it upset me incredibly much to hear my ex's laughter and not be able to block it out), with me planning to be quiet as well so that we can stay in our living spaces without feeling that the other one is chasing us out. It is still rather painful to go through, since I feel as though I am either losing or forfeiting my friends, since I suppose it makes sense that they would better appreciate my happier ex than the more miserable me.

What I meant earlier was that we used to be good friends before becoming a couple, and that I would someday like to be as good friends as we used to be, even if that's not possible right now. I find that I keep arguing with myself that distance is the best possible option, and that I do feel closer to fine (apologies for the song reference!) the longer it's been since I last caught a glimpse of her, but I also miss her greatly, and end up craving her company when I know that it could only hurt the both of us to seek it out.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe all I need to do is let time work its magic, but it has been so hard to reel myself in enough to allow that to happen. I suppose all I want is a plan for working on and changing my emotions, and mostly just for a chance to distract myself with and get closer to my friends without having to remove myself from their presence just because my ex refuses to do so herself. I don't know; I mostly feel that it's unfair for me to be pressured into essentially also breaking up with my friends when none of this was ever my choice.

I'm very sorry for the downing words again! I suppose it's just a very downing time for me.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Don't worry about the downing words, you're feeling what you're feeling, it's fine to let it out.

With regards to the friends, that is a difficult situation. Perhaps you could ask some of your friends to come and sit with you if she enters and you feel you need to move? Or perhaps assert your claim to their friendship (so to speak, I know that's awkward wording) by staying at the table?

As per the living situation, is it realistic for you to move to another dorm (it's dorm, right?)? Is it something you would want? The living situation certainly won't make it any easier, but maybe if you neighbours are being loud you can crank up some music and do something physical like work out, or clean you living space? It might help to take your mind off of things.

And you're right, you'll have to wait for time to pass, for it to work it's magic.

I hope it's starting to get a little bit easier.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Redskies
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Hi, clouds in the sky. I just had some additional thoughts regarding the mutual friends.

I'd be concerned about keeping up a pattern where it's always you who is withdrawing from the friendship group. Are there one or two people who you feel closer to, who you could maybe explain to that you need some space from your ex in order to get over her, but you don't want to completely miss out on your mutual friends during this time? If they're good friends, I'd hope that they'd be open to working out ways of spending time with you too. Would it be possible to ask one or two of the group (perhaps a different one or two each time) to make an arrangement to eat lunch with you in advance? You could also ask people to do other activities with you, like get a coffee, have a chat, see a film - anything, really.

It's also totally ok to say to people who are our friends "Hey, I'm sad about the break-up at the moment, and I don't think I'm the best company, but I could do with a friend/some company right now." We don't have to keep away just because we think we wouldn't be very good company. Often, people understand about feeling sad because of a break-up, and are happy to support us. It can feel good to have a friend ask for our support like that.

Mutual friends around a break-up can be tricky. I think that it can work when the mutual friends have no interest in "taking sides", and if the broken up people both understand and accept that the mutual friends want to spend time with the other person and are still friends with the other person, too. Nobody is going to get everything they want in a situation like this: the broken up people both need to accept that occasionally, they won't have their friends' company because the friends are with the other person; the mutual friends have to accept that, at least in the here and now, they can't have the big happy group of all their friends together, and have to make some effort to split their time between the broken up people. If everyone involved can be respectful and considerate, it is possible for everyone to get what they need.

Do you have a sense that your ex would be fair, or not, in sharing your mutual friends' time, and respectful, or not, of your need to have time with the friends without her being there?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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sunnyday
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Clouds,
I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. If continues to be difficult to concentrate and really upsetting at times, you might consider making an appointment at your school's counseling office. It is typically free or low cost, and the staff are trained professionals who work with students with similar concerns every day. It is all confidential and can be really helpful to just have someone to talk to.
Take care,
Sunny

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Saffron Raymie
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Hi Clouds, just wondering if things felt a tiny bit better with this now?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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