i've been out for several years now, and i'm super comfortable with my sexuality. but, a problem arises.
female-identified people make me really, really nervous. iíve had people ask me before why i rarely date girls. because if you talk to me for any length of time it becomes pretty obvious that i am obsessed with women. theyíre gorgeous and soft and they smell so good and man, i seriously just like them so much. i crush on girls sooooo hard. some of my worst, most embarrassing, most pathetically love-sick crushes have been on girls. but i have never dated one for any long period of time, i donít flirt with them very much, and i have only slept with a very small number of them (especially compared with the number of male-identified people i have slept with). and i think i have come to a conclusion finally as to why that is.
they make me nervous as hell. boys, pfft, thatís whatever. i can talk to/flirt with boys without even thinking about it, because boys donít care if my nails are ragged and my boots are scuffed. they donít notice if i was too lazy to put on eyeliner today. girls on the other hand, notice and they care. and theyíre judgey. beautiful and judgey. so, the idea of approaching one of them makes my brain turn to mush. my ability to articulate fully-formed sentences completely disappears when a pretty girl looks at me. and then the anxiety starts. itís this naggy little voice in the back of my head that reminds me that i have no game. and every time i stammer or lose my train of though or have to correct myself, it gets louder. and those are things i do a lot when thereís a pretty girl involved.
this is probably a good time to note that anxiety is nothing new to me. i have borderline personality disorder with co-occurring anxiety and depression. i feel some kind of anxiety pretty much all the time, and it's gotten in the way of my life (romantic and otherwise) on many previous occasions. this type of circular, self-destructive thinking happens to me all the time and stops me from enjoying a lot of different parts of my life. i'm working on it with my psychologist, but therapy can only do so much for my love life, you know?
i am really, really interested in dating more girls. i enjoy the company of girls and as previously mentioned, they smell pretty fantastic. but i donít know how to go about that. no one ever thinks iím queer, because i dress pretty straight. and even when iím in a situation where itís blatantly obvious that iím queer, i think i have actively been hit on by a girl maybeÖtwice? ever? and iím too scared to talk to them. so, here we are in this bind once again where i want something but i am too scared to go get it. please advise.
Posts: 6 | From: Richmond, VA | Registered: Jun 2008
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quote:Originally posted by claire.: boys, pfft, thatís whatever. i can talk to/flirt with boys without even thinking about it, because boys donít care if my nails are ragged and my boots are scuffed. they donít notice if i was too lazy to put on eyeliner today. girls on the other hand, notice and they care. and theyíre judgey. beautiful and judgey.
no one ever thinks iím queer, because i dress pretty straight.
While that stuff may hold true for some girls and some guys, it doesn't for all, so please don't make over generalizations okay? I know I certainly don't fit any of the things that you said about girls, even though I'm a cisgender female who is into both girls and guys.
I think, to make yourself more comfortable talking to females it's important to realize that they're people, just like guys and there are no absolutes about what someone is going to think of you based on their gender identity any more than there is the colour of their eyes, or their race, or their favourite band.
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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1. I think that having good self-esteem could? should? be the basis of any lovelife, so don't underestimate your therapist and good luck with the anxiety
2. well, I am straight on a different continent, so my advice has its limits, but: did you try to search for subcultures where being less "perfect" (investing less time in their appearance, not painting their nails etc) is seen as something positive in a girl, be it the look of the angry punk or the post-caring hipster?
I used to hang out with girls who had put more effort into looking "perfect" than me, and even if I had no crushes on them, I have used to feel a bit like an ugly duckling, even if I didn't want to change my style into something that is more femme but doesn't express me.
Then I have spent some time in Spain, and had got to know girls of the more punkish/hippie/reagge variety, dressing in things that didn't necessarily fit, occasionally having unshaven legs and just generally being relaxed in their bodies, clad in inexpensive clothing (and this didn't mean that they have desexualized themselves, it was just a different style). It definitely did make me feel better in my body.
This next bit maybe doesn't interest you, but ust to make the story whole: Paradoxically, the more at ease I feel with not being that girly, the freer I feel when I choose to be girly - I have learned to wear short skirts without feeling like I was playing a role. I had painted my nails this Christmas, the first time in my life (I'm in my mid-20's), and I was able to enjoy it.
I do respect those who have a higher-maintenace style, and it is definitely a legitimate choice. I was just thinking that, sociologically, it is possible that there are circles where girls except other girls to invest more effort in their look, just like goths excepting their peers to wear black, so maybe it would be an useful experience for you to hang out with people who obviously don't have those expectations you said you are afraid of.
So you could got used to the idea that there are women who don't believe in those standards.
In addition to what the people above have mentioned, I was wondering whether you have female friends? Do you still feel anxious talking to girls in that kind of setting? Making friends can often be a really good way to meet potential girlfriends. And hey, if romance doesn't play out, you may still end up with an awesome friend!
-------------------- "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."
Btw, I do think it might be helpful to talk about some of the ways you sound like you are stereotyping women when it comes to all of this. Stereotypes can do a lot of things, and one thing they can do is create barriers to connecting to other people. It looks to me like that's some of what's happening here for you, that your ideas about women might be a barrier when it seems like women themselves are, if you follow me.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me ē Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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