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Author Topic: My boyfriend is bi
Significant
Neophyte
Member # 95384

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I found out a while ago that my boyfriend has something for guys. I looked through my boyfriends google web history and realized he only looks at gay porn. And I think he has engaged in gay sex when we just started out. His search history shows that he's concerned about being hiv infected. But after we got together more seriously, I think he hasnt been fooling around but he still fantasize a lot (as evident by his web search) Im pretty sure he is bisexual. But i cant confront him because i werent supposed to be stalking his web history! I really don't know how to talk to him about my concern. I get very sensitive whenever he is out with guys and recently he mentioned that he and his best friend is planning a travel trip together. I got very upset and I think I appeared to be a clingy girlfriend who can't give her boyfriend freedom. But the point is I'm worried that the trip is more than just a friend travel. 

He is not very affectionate when he is with me. I've complained to him before that i feel that he doesn't treat me like a girlfriend. I used to think that he's shy. He's quite a quiet man so i grew to accept him for who he is. But that was before I found out about his sexual orientation. Now that i know he gets turn on by guys, maybe that explains his lack of touch towards me. Im worried that he is actually gay but he just doesn't want to admit it. I'm now really doubting my own attractiveness to him. I know that there's this part that ill never be able to satisfy him. I have tried asking him before if he is straight and I know he is very guilty when he said yes. He will beat around the bush and he's not offended by it. Down in my heart I know he's not straight but I can't tell him. This really hurts me. I know he is not comfortable with telling me the truth. I used to be angry when he doesn't show me enough attention as a boyfriend. Now that I know his attraction towards guys, this emotion is even stronger but I don't dare to show that to him cause I'm Afriad of turning him away and losing him. Sometimes I wish I never looked at those web history before.... 

Should I carry on with this relationship when it's always making me sad and confused? What can I do to get him to talk? What should I do [Frown]

Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kitkatbits
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Member # 45431

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I don't think search history indicates or doesn't indicate anything about what someone wants. I hear your concern about your invading his privacy here. What motivated you to do so?

It might help to communicate more, both about life in general and about your relationship. Starting with life in general may ease things.

Sexuality and relationships is an intensely complicated topic. I don't think that him not touching you is by necessity the same thing as him possibly identifying as bisexual/being attracted to the same gender and different gender or possibly identifying as gay/being attracted to the same gender.

Posts: 30 | From: Canada | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd also add that it seems to me you need to talk about these fears you're having with him.

Yes, that will mean you fessing up to snooping, but that's probably something the two of you should talk about, too. Couples working out and negotiating what they want and need when it comes to what they want to share and what they want private is something we all need to talk about at some point, after all.

So, you can talk with him about this. You will just need to be honest about looking at his web history, that's all.

However, when you do, I'd not walk into it with some of the ideas you've stated here, like the notion you can "know in your heart" what his orientation is. You can't. As well, even if he is bisexual rather than heterosexual -- like kitkabits pointed out -- that may or may not have anything to do with some of the things you're bringing up here, nor would that mean that he doesn't want to touch women (or that any relationship issues between you are about your whole gender or his feelings about women OR men).

You might also want to know that bisexual or pansexual people aren't unsatisfied in this big way homosexual or heterosexual people aren't because they can be attracted to more than one gender. Usually, that's just not the case, just like it often isn't the case that a heterosexual women somehow can't feel satisfied with one man because she has the capacity to be attracted to men as a whole.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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