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Author Topic: Im very confused about choosing my BF or ending things to be with girls..future??
Vincenza
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Heyy everyone, My story is very complicated and kind of long, but I will try to make this as short and to the point as possible..
I am almost 23 yrs old.. I know its kinda old for this site, but i just came across it and it seems very helpful so why not??!
Okay, so to begin, I guess I can classify myself as Bi, but I do not like lables, and I rarely use them when it pertains to myself. I have been in relationships with men in the past, my first bf for 3 yrs, next one for 1 yr and a few dating guys in between..but they all ended mostly because I got tired of them..physically and became annoyed by every little thing that they said and did, that I was once attracted to in the beginning.
Im pretty sure that happens with all heterosexual relationships but when it gets to the point where you get nauseated by the scent and feeling of them..then theres deff a problem there.
Now, I have encountered same-sex attraction at a very young age, but I am raised in a very heterosexual home, daddy's little Italian princess that is supposed to be with her prince, move out when marriend and live happily ever after...
My parents have suspected me liking girls because of my dad being sneaky on my computer since highschool and finding out information..I got scolded by both parents saying that Im crazy, I dont like girls, I like guys and theyll kick me out if Im "LESBIAN". So at the age of 15 when that happened of course I denied my attraction towards females because I was very dependant on my parents. Then at the age of 19 there was another incident in which they found out again, I argued back this time saying SO WHAT IF I WAS..key word "was" So i denied it again because I had no where to go if I had to leave the house..or money to live off of.

Now, Im almost 23 ..going to school fulltime and working fulltime making a decent amount of money..
However, I am in a serious relationship with such a wonderful guy, for the past year and 10 months..almost 2 yrs in december. This is one of the longest relationships since my first bf, but this one is deff on a serious level..meaning marriage and all..We get along so well, hes my bestfriend , and has treated me amazing.
Now, down to the crazy part. We went on vacation together and I saw a girl that I completley felt so attracted to the moment I laid my eyes on her. I have always thought girls were attractive and have hooked up and been in relationships with girls before..but of course behind my parents back..I love everything about females and I love pleasing women and viceversa.
So when I saw her, I hid the feelings from my bf because I didnt want him to get jealous or anything.( I have told him about my past experiences with girls before, so he was aware of my sexuality)
So I knew this girl that I saw deff liked girls because of my good gaydar! haha, then at the club my bf asked her what drink she was drinking and she told him then she introduced herself to us, but when she shook my hand we locked eyes in such a indescrible way..long story short, we didnt exchange names or numbers , two days later we end up at the same club again, and we spot eachother across the room the last night there in mexico. So we end up dancing and hanging out the whole night, with my bf and her friends. We both clearly knew we were attracted to oneanother.. When it was time for me to leave the club, we told eachother that we would like to keep in touch, Shes from California and Im from NJ..My name was too long for her to remember especially under the circumstances lol so she told me to add her on Facebook , so when I arrived in the states, I found her..I couldnt stop thinking about her..and wanted to talk to her more..I wanted to get to know everything about her..then of course I snap out of it and think of my bf..like what am i doing?? I am going to ruin this relatioship we have established??! I didnt know what to do..but my heart was telling me to contact this girl that I couldnt get outta my head.

When she contacted me back I was so happy to find out that she felt the exact same way towards me..! We texted all day for the first 3 days then we spoke on the phone all night till morning hours..yes I was very tired to go to work the next day : ( I felt horrible for keeping this a secret from my bf.
Soon enough, I told my bf that I have been feeling very confused lately , that feelings about girls have been arrising again and that I have been craving the physical attendtion and emotional attention. He didnt take it well bc he automatically thought of the girl on vacation but I said that meeting her just brought back my subconscious feelings that I have had before and that it was just a coincidence i guess..
After that night we tried working things out but I was still being distant bc of having my new girl long distance. Her and I got to know eachother very well thru the phone, mail and skype in two months..we felt a physical connection to eachother without even ever kissing, touching and what not..its such a crazy feeling to feel and I never thought that was possible. When ever I see her on Skype it feels so wonderful , I smile more then ever whenI see her smile and when I see her eyes. I dont feel that way about my bf. and its hurts me so bad.

Im in such a big dilemma here. I dont know what to do.. I have pushed her away from me 3 times already, telling her that I cant do the long distance thing, that I cant be with a girl in the long run bc of my parents, and that im scared of the financial stability of being with a girl.. I know that makes no sense bc whose to say that we cant live a happy fortunate life knowing that we both have good future plans (career plans) ..Im just so used to what my bf has given me the past two years..he bought a house that we will live in once we get married, he has a great job and everything is just so set in stone with him.
I hurt her feelings so bad, she said that she would fight for me and make it work between us, bc she has never felt this way towards a girl that lives across the country let alone never even feel or kiss her. It such a crazy feeling. She has been trying to come and visit me but I never give her a perfect day to come bc of my family issues of hiding her, and bc of my bf. Theres ways for me to get out and meet her for a day or two but not over night. : (

Her and I worked things out each time, but now after the 3rd time, she has her guard back up, shes back to her busy life, but shes saying that she still wants me and misses me and wants to see me but I messed with her feelings not intentionally.
ALL in all, Im just feeling very confused, I dont know what to do!! DO i let my bf go bc Im having feelings of being with a girl again...( mind you , I have been with a girl to gethe the sexual urge out thinking if it was just that that i needed but it wasnt, cause I still want it and I dont have sex with him at all anymore and if I do i just wanna cry : (

When me and my bf broke up recently bc he found out about her, I cried and begged him to give me another chance, and now that I got that second chance im feeling the same feelings again : ( im so confused, i dont want to lose him because he loves me and i love him and i know ill have such a great life with him..but will i be truely happy??

Am I lying to myself?

Why do these feelings for girls always come back??

I want her so bad, I want to see how her and I are going to be together. I want to experience her in all ways. I want to be a great girlfriend to her..and have her show me the love that she wants to show me..

I accept who I am...I dont care what society thinks of me..or what my parents r gonna think of me or other fam members, all i care about is what the outcome is going to be when I do come out at home. I do have a place to stay now if I had to leave the house but things will be very difficult...

I dont know if I want to lose him,I need any advice I could get. I went to a therapist but that didnt help with the overall situation..I have Les friends and they all say to follow my heart.. but my heart and mind is saying two diff things.

Ask me any question you want for more clarification..please help.

Posts: 15 | From: NJ | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Before I say anything else (and you're not too old to be here: welcome!), can I ask how you feel about a different option, which is not being in romantic or sexual relationship with ANYONE right now while you take some more time for yourself to sort out how you feel and what you want?

Often these this-person-or-that-one scenarios, whether it's about orientation or something else entirely are things people get their heads and hearts kind of locked into and -- I think -- they can often obfuscate the bigger issues and make a bigger mess than when someone just steps back, recognizing that when they're that torn, the answer may be that it's not about this gender or that one, or whatever. But rather, that maybe neither of the individuals or relationships are the right choices for them, and/or that part of that may be because they don't know what they want in a larger way at a given time.

Know what I mean? If so, how do you feel about that?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Vincenza
Neophyte
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Thanks for responding Heather,
Well, I did think about being alone for alittle while to just figure myself out...but when I had the two weeks to myself to think.. it was difficult because I missed him..but couldnt stop thinking of her either..
I just dont know what to do with him..like I love him so much, but I dont know if marrying him will be the right choice, because I might want to be with a girl..u know?

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Heather
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Are you two at a point where getting married anytime soon IS something you are both seriously considering and planning for?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Vincenza
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We arnt getting married anytime soon no, but we have talked about it alot, and our families think we are perfect for one another and cant wait for us to get engaged and all that stuff. He has a house that he bought and he cant wait to move in it, and wants me to move in with him..
HE wants us to work out so badly, and so do i..but I feel that my heart is somewhere else..and its not fair. My parents and his parents are going to be devastated if we broke up forreal.

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Heather
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Okay. Again, I really think you're putting the cart well ahead of the horse here. Let's not talk about a marriage that has only been talked about as an idea or far-future plans. same with his house. He bought it for himself. That's his thing, even if he has a desire for you to move in someday. Let's focus on now and the very immediate future, okay? And also on you? This isn't about either of your parents primarily: this isn't their relationship. It's yours.

What do you think about the idea of giving yourself just one month outside relationships with BOTH these people -- or where it's acknowledged you are taking a break in order to try and get more of a sense of what you want and need without the high-key emotional stuff feeling like you have to figure this out NOW or be with one of them NOW puts on you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Vincenza
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YEa you are right that it was only future plans that we talked about..its just very hard when he tells me he cant wait to marry me and move in like every dayy.. lol

I have thought about giving me sometime to think without both of them..and when i told the both of them of this..he said well theres nothing I need to think about either i want him or i dont..he did give me 3 chances already...this is deff the last straw..
She said that she will be there waiting for me..but now shes going thru some personal problems as well, dealing with everyday stressors ,that has her attitude towards me alittle different and distant now..

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Heather
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So, he's giving you an ultimatum. Not a fan of those, and they're not a healthy approach. Of course this also is much more complex than the way he's seeing it: it's not just about you wanting him or not, as few relationships choices and decisions are.

That isn't to say he doesn't get to have his own hard limits, he does. He also gets to decide he doesn't want to be someone who isn't sure they want to be with him. But the healthy way to go about that is for HIM to take his own steps then, not to put an ultimatum on you. Frankly, I wouldn't advise our users to respond to ultimatums at all, or to only respond by telling the other person that if they need a big choice to be made for themselves, they can make it, and you will respect it. Know what I mean?

I think no matter what, you need to figure out what YOU need. can you make your mind up about this right here and now? It sounds like you can't, and are in no place to do so well. So, I say you tell him that, and then he gets to choose if he accepts that or not. If he doesn't, then he gets to choose to walk away from this, which certainly is his right.

[ 10-15-2011, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Vincenza
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I do know what you mean, ,this is he did choose to walk away from it 2 weeks ago..I let him.
But then I kept contacting him bc i didnt know what to do, and all i kept thinking about was omg im gonna miss him i cant do this without him. blah blah blah..but i feel like that is just because Im used to him u kno? So he came back and weve been trying to work it out the past 2 weeks and it has been going good. but then I still have these thoughts and feelings about girls.

I feel as though I dont have my freedom of choice to do anything I want or like at home. Its always to please others.. I dont know how to seperate that. : (

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Heather
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Okay, so some of this is about you not letting him go, him -- understandably, I'd say -- getting the message you must be sure you want to be with him if you'd do that, but you...well, not being there at all.

So, as you probably know, you sent a really mixed message there. If you haven't already, you'll want to remedy that error by making clear that is what you did, and you do take responsibility for that. Not the way he's reacting to it, that's his, but your own action coming from a place that really didn't take his feelings into much account.

With the pleasing, how about if you think about it like this: people who really love us and care about us? What pleases them is seeing us happy, even if now and then it might take them a while to accept what it is that does. It usually displease those people, when they have that love and care, to see us choose their happiness over ours. Really, that doesn't make those people happy, either.

So, be true to yourself and just generally kind to and considerate of others, too, and you're much more likely to truly please everyone than just trying to do what others want for you when thinking more of what THEY want for themselves.

I'm heading out, but hopefully that helps give you something to think about even tonight.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Vincenza
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I know what your saying here...I guess time will tell with situations like these.. I dont know.. Im still very confused..Not sure if i just like girls or what.. This was all about him and not really about what I like.. Thats what im trying to figure out.. : /

....speechless.

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Vincenza
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DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE ANY ADVICE OR THOUGHTS??
Posts: 15 | From: NJ | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jacob at Scarleteen
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Hey Vincenza

(Did you mean to type that in caps? That can come across as shouty and angry on-line, but I'm not sure you meant it to.)

I, in fact, would agree with what Heather has said. I'm also wondering where/who else you get support from?... It sounded to me as though you were feeling really scared of not having your current partner around generally, in what is, apart from everything else, a difficult time. I can see how that could compound the "either/or dilemma" of trying to choose between two potential partners under the pressures of your parents especially.

I feel like having some people outside of all of this to fall back on can be really important; not to advise you on what to choose but just to say whatever you want your own relationships with people to be or not to be is totally ok.

Even in recently deciding that you wanted to stick with your boyfriend you talk about trying to stop your own thoughts about women that you don't feel should be allowed and that the idea of relationships with "girls" (and from the title of this thread not necessarily the girl you're currently having a communication with) is a thing your parents would make near impossible or in other words not allow. I can imagine that this could really be adding a lot of extra strong emotions that come from feeling restricted onto what might otherwise just be some casual attractions. Does that sound possible?

I think stepping away from things properly as Heather suggests could really help with all of this. It could allow you to just look at all the things you're faced with and rather than see your them restrictions and desires, you could instead see them as things that make you feel good and things that make you feel bad for whatever reason, so you can work out what you want to deal with, and what sounds fun, and how you can make those things fit together for you at a pace that feels comfortable for you.

You could view being in no-relationships right now not just as as temporary phase before getting back together with someone, but as something that could go in any direction, no restrictions, just your own thoughtful judgements and a real understanding that these are your decisions based on making sure you feel good and supported and are enjoying relationships you have with the people near and important to you...

From what you've said you have been attracted to girls... but what seems to me to sound to me like a bigger issue for you from your account is whether you're allowed to be attracted to girls. And honestly, you are allowed, you'd doing nothing wrong and betraying no-one. Your parents could disapprove but it's your choice how you deal with that on an absolute practical level, if you were seeing someone female, it'd be your choice to tell them or not for example... you would just be handling that specific situation in whatever way felt right. I think feeling that freedom is important for people no matter what their actual attractions are. I'm pro gay rights for people who want to be in homosexual relationships, heterosexual relationships other kinds of relationships or no relationships at all.

I hope somehow that might help!

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Vincenza
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Im sorry I didnt mean to type that in caps, I didnt notice my caps lock was on.Sorry! : )
Im going to really think about what I need to do to make myself happier and others as well but really taking my happiness into consideration. Family is Family and they should always love me, so I shouldnt worry about that..

Things arn't going to well with the girl fro Cali, so I think that might be comming to an end..and then I'll take it from there. I think having something going on with her, is affecting my relationship with him right now.

I do have sexual attractions to girls, yes. but I have been involved with them emotionally and what not. So i do know theres something more there than just a Sexual attraction. I love being with a girl in a relationship but since my circumstances at home it affects that relationship becuase I have to sneak around and hide and keep that a secret. thats what bothers me the most. However, like you said, I do need to realize what I want and do what makes me happy.. but thats what I need to figure out..
THanks alot , it deff helped me out.

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Heather
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I would, personally, really consider that what might help you a whole lot is to step back from both of these relationships for a little while, make clear you need some space to figure out how you feel without any contact for, say, a couple weeks, and see where you get with that.

Mind, this means you'd have to honor that on your end, and not do something like call one of these people in the middle when you feel fearful or insecure or miss them, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Vincenza
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Okay I will try and do that this week. THanks alot!
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Elizabeth Lee
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I had to go through the same exact thing. Anyways, what I would do when I vacillate is try to think of the pros and cons. I make like a chart. Also, my other suggestion is maybe you should put your relationship with you're boyfriend on hold, try dating that girl and see how it goes. What do you thoink! [Wink]

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I am homo! Hear me roar! Elizabeth Lee! Elizabeth Me!

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Vincenza
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Elizabeth,

I made a chart almost 2 months ago, and it led to my bf lol but that didnt work out cuz she kept stealing my attention away..and since last week of her backing off alittle, he had my attention. But now im scared because she is comming around again..
Its so confusing! lol
And i would so date her if she didnt live in Cali..things would be a lot easier.. Im not ready to make a move or anything cuz we still havnt hung out in person since vacation..: ( so well see..
Thanks : )

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Heather
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I'm going to just nudge to put in another vote for trying not to think of this as an either-or between these two people, because it seems like a way bigger issue than that.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Vincenza
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yes it is a bigger issue..
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