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Author Topic: I feel so mind restless!!!!!!
Ste-Funnie
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Hi. So my ex gf responded to me and said negative crap about me and made me feel bad about myself. She said that I hurt her and that I was happy about it. She was putting thoughts in my head. She was messing with my head. I felt like I did something wrong and I ended up second guessing myself. My mom said that ppl who are phonies like that will blame the victim. Also, if I did hurt her and/or was happy about it, then why did she wanna get back together with me? If she's really that mad at me, the why did she ask for me back? This makes no sense, whatsoever! That proves that I did nothing wrong. My mom told me that I should never second guess myself and I made the right decision. She Also said that my ex was just putting blame on me, just to make me feel guilty enough to give in to her and have so much sympathy I'd have to change my mind. It half worked b/c I felt guilty.

Anyways, she’s now being so unpredictable. Its really tempting right now. I’m not sure I should change my mind or not. All I want is to tell her how I feel about the way she broke up w/ me and how I didn’t like how she had to date me for 1 day and then dump me. Thats all. I was hoping we can work it out. She ddnt even say sorry to me when she ast me back. I gave her a long message telling her how I feel about what happened in our relationship and she responded to me and only answered 1 part of my message. I wanted more than that (even if we dnt go back out). All I want is for her to understand. I dnt want my guilt that she put on me to make me give in. If she understood how I felt, and explained why she did what she did, AND if she apologized to me, which includes proving to me that she means it, I could make a consideration. Oh and for the record, I apologized to her (even tho I ddnt do anything wrong). If she cant understand or even apologize (especially if she dzznt mean it) then she’s not worth it. But it’s so damn tempting that I a little bit wanna get back together with her, but I cant give in not knowing what I wanna know. I can’t take that risk! I feel mind restless! [Confused]

If I did get her to understand, the consideration I wanted to make was that I’m going to baltimore for all of July. So the deal wld be that we delay the relationship till I get back home, and if she still wants to get back together with me by then, I can consider it. Especially b/c she dated me for 1 day, and that means she wanted me for 1 day then dumped me, which means she wanted me for a short time.

But other than that, I dunno what to do! I just wanna know! I know it’s not her I want! I just need a gf. In baltimore I am going to SAIM. An LGBT club. I flirt chat w/ chicks online to het my mind off her. But until I meet the right girl, I need to know how to handle all this. First I wanna know how to deal with her and help her to understand, and if I can’t make her understand and it dzznt work, then tell me how to deal with myself!! [Confused] [Confused] [Confused]

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Heather
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Can I just check in on something very quickly first?

This is the girl you had one date with? And that was the only time the two of you went out? Did you have any relationship beyond that and these recent communications?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ste-Funnie
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Heather, she ast me to be her official girlfriend, and then ended up dumping me the next day for no reason. That's what happened.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Heather
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Okay.

Here's the thing, though.

If you two only had one date, I think it's not sound to talk about this person as an ex and to talk about this the same way you'd talk about a relationship that was something ongoing.

In other words, I think some of the troubles you might be having with this might be about trying to treat something that was a relationship that did NOT happen as if it was a relationship that DID. To me, what this was was a date, then you two wanting to pursue a relationship after, but her changing her mind before you could even get started, making it, really, nothing more than a date that didn't turn into anything else. That's very different than something that was a relationship you can talk about in-depth, because there's really no relationship TO talk about.

Do you know what I mean by all of that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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If you do get what I mean by all of that, how about thinking about where things are now this way:

She asked you to start a relationship with her once. She blew that off, though, and never followed through, so you never had a relationship with her. You just had a date.

She's changed her mind. Now she is asking you to start a relationship with her again.

So, do you want to give her another chance to start a relationship with you or not? If you're not sure, what do you feel like you need in order to make your decision about this?

Or, if you're not sure, have you considered not agreeing to enter into a relationship right off the bat, but instead have another date, see how that goes (and if she follows through), maybe have a few more and then see where you both stand?

[ 06-27-2011, 12:15 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ste-Funnie
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Ppl have their own meanings and opinions about relationships, Heather. I think that if that's what she wanted she should've told me. Her exact words were "Do you wanna be my girlfriend". Plus, the way she dumped me was inappropriate. She ddnt have be rude and say nasty things. She could've handled it maturely.

--------------------
~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Heather
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For sure, we all have our own meanings with words, but only to a certain degree. Words mean things, and not just whatever someone decides they mean, like if I told you that the word "car" means "dinner," I'd expect you to be pretty perplexed by that.

Just like it wouldn't make sense to count one word as a book, or a seed as a tree, it doesn't make sense to think of one date as a relationship. Relationship, as a word, is about something bigger than a single date or anything that happened on one date.

If you want to do that, you can, but I think that's only going to make dating harder for you, rather than easier.

I said what I did because from what I can tell, thinking about this as having been a capital-R relationship is some of what might be making this so complicated for you and so full of drama.

I hear you about your feelings with how she handled things in the past. What you need to figure out for yourself, though, and only you can do this, is if that means you do or don't want to give her another chance. That's the first step with this situation.

There's no right or wrong answer to this, either. You can give her another chance, or you don't have to. Whether or not you do is going to be about what you want and feel best about. So far, I hear you saying pretty clearly you don't want to give her another chance. If that's so, that's just fine, and I can certainly understand your reasons why you wouldn't want to.

[ 06-27-2011, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ste-Funnie
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I'm sorry, but thats not what I meant. U sound like ure talking to me like I'm stupid. #1) Its not about that 1 date. We were considered girlfriends. #2) When I said that ppl have diff opinions about word meanings, I meant diff meanings that relate to the word. For example, ppl have diff meanings of the word "virginity". Some ppl think it means to just have sexual experience with a partner (which is what I think it means). Some ppl think it means to have a dick go in a pussy. Anyways, thats what I meant. I meant related to da word. #3) What I really need advice about regardless of giving her another chance or not, is that I wanna know if she understands what I told her in my message. I just wanna know. If I can't, I wanna know how I can deal wit it.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Heather
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I don't think you're stupid. I have said what I did because I just think the way you are conceptualizing what a relationship and an ex is, and the level of emotional investment you've put in a very limited exchange is part of the problem you've been having. Since you asked for help with this issue, I am saying and doing what I think will be most likely to be helpful. That is all I can ever do. If what I/we suggest or say isn't helpful, you get to take it or leave it, always, or ask another source for help to see if they serve you in a way you feel is better for you.

We can't possibly know or tell you if she understands what you told her or not. We don't know her and haven't talked with her about this.

That's something only she can tell you.

However, if she's not understanding some of everything you're feeling and expressing around this, I think that may in part be about the fact that you are treating this like it was a major relationship when -- I think it's safe to say -- by most people's standards, it would not be considered that way, just like most people would not consider one word to be a book, or saying hello to someone to equal a loss of virginity.

But the fact remains that we still can't know what she understands or does not. That's something you have to find out by asking her yourself.

[ 06-27-2011, 02:17 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ste-Funnie
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Heather, I just told you! RELATED to the word! Dnt u get it? Maybe it wasn't a major relationship, but to me there are diff types of them. Like I can say relationship with my mom. That dzznt mean we're having incest. It means we are honest w/ each other and we can always count on one another. I believe if that girl and I were considered girlfriends, that is a relationship. So when u said something about "hello" meaning virginity loss, thats making me feel like u think im stupid. I gave examples of meanings that ppl think it means.

And another thing; U, Heather, gave an unrelated answer. I didn't ask what relationship means. Also, I know u dunno her, but I wanna know how I can try to find out if she understands or not!! Thats all!

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Heather
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We've discussed in the past that when you post here, you need to make efforts to communicate in ways that are respectful especially to people who are trying to help you for free.

I'm reminding you of that again.

And once more: the way to find out if she understands or not is to ask her if she understands. Then you listen to what she says and how she responds and decide if you think she understood. That is how we find out if people understand us and that is the only way to find out.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ste-Funnie
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Alrighty. I'll try.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Djuna
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Hi Stef! I'm hearing that some of this is you asking how you can get a handle on the way you're feeling about this girl, how you can deal with some of the anxiety I'm hearing you express.

Am I hearing that right? If so, I'm happy to talk to you about some ways of dealing with anxiety. I get the impression from what you're writing that anxiety isn't something you enjoy feeling. Is that something you'd like me to talk to you about?

I do have some boundaries if we do that, though, because I have to find ways to manage the amount of stress I feel, too. So I'd like you to keep in mind that I'm offering to talk with you because I'd like to help you out, and if I say something you don't like, it's not because I'm trying to be mean. With that, too, if I say something you don't like, I'd really like you to tell me that, but just calmly say what you didn't like and why you didn't like it. I'd like us both to make our best effort to be calm when we're writing our messages.

How do you feel about that? This is an open invitation, whether you want to talk about this now or in a little while. [Smile]

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Ste-Funnie
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Sure, Pat. We can talk about this. So that girl, I like half wanna go back out with her, half dnt. I forgot what that word is when u have 2 opposite opinions about the same topic. What I do know is that if she has changed she wldnt have put blame on me and wldve at least apologized. I ddnt get 1 apology from her about what she did. She just answered 1 thing in my message, which made it look like she only understood one part! I wanted more than that, whether we go back out or not. I dnt think I can be single for another year, but she'll probly just date me for 1 day again.

Also I have other anxieties I wanna make a new topic about.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Djuna
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Okay! [Smile] Having two opposite opinions on the same topic might be called ambivalence, or feeling conflicted.

I agree that this girl's behavior towards you is not something that makes me think it'd be a good idea to go out with her again, at least right now. It's difficult feeling conflicted about things - in this case, do I have it right that on the one hand you like her, but on the other you don't like the way she's treated you?

If you want to talk about anxiety, really, it's fine to do that in this thread. A lot of our users have long threads like that, and it can make it easier to keep up with what's going on with you. [Smile]

So with dealing with anxiety in general, there are a few techniques I've found to work really well. One is avoiding situations you know make you stressed - so for example, I get really stressed about exams, so at university I try to pick classes that have fewer exams. Another example is that if you find dating a certain person stressful or dramatic, it might be less stressful to not date that person. Too, if dating or relationships in general seem very stressful, it can help to take some time out from them, even if it's just a month or so when you're not looking for anyone to date, but spending your time concentrating on other things instead, like school or creative stuff.

Too, I see you're interested in music, and the guitar - if you ever write your own music, you could think about writing songs about things that are bothering you. (It doesn't matter if they're embarrassing; they can be private songs if you prefer, and you may end up with some good ones you end up wanting to share too.) It's also really good when you're feeling anxious to write down what you're thinking, whether that's like a journal or free writing. If you don't know what free writing is, what you do is take a pen and paper and start writing whatever's in your head, without stopping or worrying about punctuation or spelling. If you can't think what to write, you write "I can't think what to write" over and over until you think of something else. It can be really helpful to get a lot of the twisty, anxious thoughts out onto paper that way, and then they're often less scary than they were.

Other good things to do when you're feeling very anxious are going for a run or some exercise, or taking some deep breaths for a few minutes. Are any of those things that you've tried before?

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Ste-Funnie
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Pat, when u mentioned about taking time out of dating, well, I was going to try that so many times. In fact every time I think about considering to do that, I think of considering going back in the closet and dating guys. My mom always says tries to talk me out of that. She says (which is technically true) that I would be miserable in the closet, especially with a guy. On another hand it wldnt be fair to the guy. Aside from that, I wasnt happy in da closet, especially b/c I was in denial. Plus if I was going to date guys I'd wanna do casual dating. And I cldnt lay off dating, even if I dnt go back in the closet. I want a relationship more. If I did take a break, either I'll have to go back, or I'd have to go back in and date someone I dnt like just to date someone. But I cant afford to go back in de closet.

Aside from that, I wanna talk about the other anxieties and stuff that upset me, but I dunno if my mom looks at my crap. She told me she looked at my other posts (only it was for a good thing at least) but still if she looked at my other crap, she cld be looking at this and I dnt want my mom to know about this. [Frown]

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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confused1981
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quote:
Originally posted by Ste-Funnie:
Pat, when u mentioned about taking time out of dating, well, I was going to try that so many times. In fact every time I think about considering to do that, I think of considering going back in the closet and dating guys. My mom always says tries to talk me out of that. She says (which is technically true) that I would be miserable in the closet, especially with a guy. On another hand it wldnt be fair to the guy. Aside from that, I wasnt happy in da closet, especially b/c I was in denial. Plus if I was going to date guys I'd wanna do casual dating. And I cldnt lay off dating, even if I dnt go back in the closet. I want a relationship more. If I did take a break, either I'll have to go back, or I'd have to go back in and date someone I dnt like just to date someone. But I cant afford to go back in de closet.

Aside from that, I wanna talk about the other anxieties and stuff that upset me, but I dunno if my mom looks at my crap. She told me she looked at my other posts (only it was for a good thing at least) but still if she looked at my other crap, she cld be looking at this and I dnt want my mom to know about this. [Frown]

You sound so nice I would talk to you
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Djuna
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I'm hearing you say that you feel that if you stopped dating, you'd have to go back in the closet. Am I getting that right? Why do you think that is?

I agree that going back into the closet is not likely to be a healthy or productive thing for you to do.

As for wanting to talk about other topics, and wanting privacy for that, it sounds like maybe that's something we can talk about in terms of how you can communicate that want to your mother, for example if it's about wanting a thread she doesn't look at. Can I ask, though, that we talk about your general tools for dealing with anxiety first, and how you're feeling around dating? I want to talk through those things first before we get into how to communicate a want for a little more privacy with your mother. I don't want us to get sidetracked - does that make sense? [Smile]

So how about the ideas for dealing with anxiety I was talking about, have you tried anything like that, or does anything stand out as something you might like to try?

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Ste-Funnie
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Thank u, confused [Smile]

The reason I'd have to go back in da closet is bc I'm the kinda person who dzznt just date nobody. I'd go back in there so I can date someone and not be alone. But I cant afford to do that.

Also, something wld happen to me and I'd be so so happy! Then it wld go right to depression. I have heard ppl say laughing turns to crying (which is technically true when it comes to rough housing).

The ideas of coping sound pretty good. especially writing songs. Im almost finished w one already about going thru a break up and not letting urself get ripped.

--------------------
~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Djuna
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So, I'm hearing that you don't feel able to not date anyone for a while. Do you know why that might be, given the amount of anxiety that seems to cause you at times? I hope you don't mind me quoting you from the top of this thread:
quote:
But other than that, I dunno what to do! I just wanna know! I know it’s not her I want! I just need a gf. In baltimore I am going to SAIM. An LGBT club. I flirt chat w/ chicks online to het my mind off her. But until I meet the right girl, I need to know how to handle all this. First I wanna know how to deal with her and help her to understand, and if I can’t make her understand and it dzznt work, then tell me how to deal with myself!! [Confused] [Confused] [Confused]
The amount of exclamation points suggest to me that you were feeling very anxious and unhappy when you wrote that. I'm not pointing that out to criticize, at all - you're entitled to feel however you do - but what I'm hearing from you is that that sort of anxiety isn't something you enjoy feeling.

I'm glad song writing is working for you - when you're writing or playing music, do you think you feel less anxious? Do you feel like that's something you'd be able to do the next time you feel anxious, right away as a way of feeling better?

(By the way, we edited what looks like your full name out of your signature, because it makes you more safe if you can't be identified on here. That's one of our rules, that everyone has to stay anonymous - my full name isn't in my profile either, for example - so we'd appreciate if you didn't post information you can be identified by again, okay? [Smile] )

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Ste-Funnie
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Patrick, thats not really my full name. I'm not really Stephanie or SteFunnie. If I'm anonymous, I use fake names at all times.

Anyways, last night I had a dream that I witnessed this ex gf hooking up w/ a guy and I ran away from her. [Frown]

Pat, I get anxiety from not dating too. If I dnt date I'll just have to date no matter what. I can't not date. Its just as much stress as having bad rltnshp.

--------------------
~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Djuna
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My bad, Stephanie, on your name. (By the way, do you prefer Stef, Steph, Ste-Funnie or Stephanie? I just realised I never asked.) [Smile]

I'm sorry you had a bad dream last night. How did you feel when you woke up? One thing I do when I have bad dreams is that I keep a notebook next to my bed, and write down the dream (actually whether it's good or bad) when I wake up. That can mean it's less scary, and also that I have less of that confused feeling trying to remember later on what happened. Do you think that's something you might find useful?

I'm not asking you not to date - I might suggest it, but you're free to do what you want, and I won't be upset if you do keep dating. Can I ask, though, what your feelings are around not dating? As in, if you could write down the thoughts in your head when either you're not dating or now, when you're thinking about the idea of not dating, what would that look like?

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Ste-Funnie
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Either is fine, Pat. (And u dnt mind me calling u Pat, right?) I change it back, so now u know this isn't real.

I cld try doing that with the dream. See how it goes.

I understand ur not making me not date (considering it is against the guidelines). U r a nice person. What I think if I'm single is, im lonely, i crave physical attention, i have a high sex drive, and i want someone i can bring to my family functions or school functions.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Djuna
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Pat is just fine, although some people on here call me Joseph, and that's fine too. Either is fine with me. [Smile]

I'm glad you think I'm a nice person! I think you are too.

On the idea of having a high sex drive, craving physical attention, or being lonely, and using dating and relationships as solutions to those things, I'd like to link you some articles for you to read:
10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at Any Age)
Life Lessons from the Third Stall on the Left
Too, do you feel that there's something different about taking a date to family functions or school functions than there is to taking a friend?

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Ste-Funnie
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Kinda, Patrick. Its way diff. It's not a big deal at all. They won't take me as seriously. Regardless of what other ppl think, its not the same for me. My cousin who brings her boyfriend to family parties, they take her more serious than if she takes a friend or even a BFF. No Pat. It is damn diff. It really is! Is! Is! Is!

I'm sorry. I dnt mean to sound rude. I have autism (which I'm not sure if u knew it) and I take things personally.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Djuna
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Sorry I've taken a while to respond to this, Stef.

I feel like in this last post, you're not respecting the boundaries I set out. I'm only willing to have these conversations with you if we can have them calmly. More to the point, you said you recognise that what you wrote was rude, and then you decided to post it anyway. Can I suggest that in future, if you feel that what you've written is rude, you don't post it?

I know that other people often treat us differently when we bring a date to parties rather than a friend, but I was asking in what way you think it is different, which is something you haven't told me about in your post. I didn't mean to ask that in a way which was hurtful - having reread my post, I don't think I did, either, for what it's worth.

Too, have you read any of the articles I linked you?

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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