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Author Topic: Am I repressing my feelings?
ananab
Neophyte
Member # 76493

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My best friend of six years likes me but I don't know if I like her or not. I mean, I don't get fluttery feelings around her, but that might just be because we're so familiar with each other and I do remember that back when we first met if she waved to me in the hall in the morning I would feel all warm and be happy for the rest of the day, and I wrote about her in my diary every night.

While my family isn't restrictive, I've always grown up where being a lesbian (or bi) is the biggest joke possible and something to be mercifully mocked for. I am big on other peoples opinions of me and I hate hate hate making mistakes. In addition I am the master of self-deception and denial.

Sometimes (even before she said she liked me) I would think about kissing her and stuff like that. I definitely do like guys to some extent, as there are a few boys at my work that make me quite flustered. Me and her kissed once, and it made me even more confused. My chest hurt so bad it was like I had punched and I felt so angry at myself and guilty and all sorts of other things.

I'm just so frustrated and confused! A big part of me wants to date her I think but another part of me says thats the stupidest thing in the world because I'm definitely one hundred percent straight and I would never be able to love a girl. (I think this part of me is overcompensating for something xP)

What should I do? How can I figure out my real feelings and stop worrying so much about other people? Please help.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ananab
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**mercilessly, not mercifully. Sorry.

Also, **She and I, not me and her.

Oh, and **Like I had been punched. I should really learn to proofread.

Sorry x1000

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pumpkin_patch25
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My god I don't pretend to be any kind of expert about being true to oneself, but it sounds to me like you really like her. I know it can feel hard growing up in an environment where there are no other 'gay-curious' people around you and how lonely it can feel, even if your family are unrestrictive.

Although it might be hard, the only way you're going to know what's right for you is to explore yourself - don't be angry or hard on yourself for acting on how you feel. It's perfectly normal to fall in love with boys and girls - we're all just people with personalities after all. It sounds like you're hardwired to think it's wrong, but how is finding out how to be true to yourself wrong?

From your post it sounds to me like you already know what you really want. Juts go for it.

Posts: 3 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ananab
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Member # 76493

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Thank you so much for your advice, it really put a smile on my face to know that I'm not alone!

I suppose I have always understood what I wanted deep down, even if I was hardwired to think differently. I really just wanted the encouragement to go on. I'm really scared though. I'm afraid I'll regret this. I'm afraid I'll screw up or hurt my friend. I'm afraid everyone around me will hate me.

I've never been in a relationship before, and part of me wants to be more experienced for her because I think she deserves better than the awkward, clumsy confusion that comes with a first relationship.

I used to think that I would date a couple of guys and then go back to her so I would know the right way to go about a relationship, but I'm going to college in a year and I can already feel her slipping away.

Whether she's a friend or something more, I don't want to lose her or do anything that would make her unhappy.

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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Hey ananab, I hope you're holding up well,

I'm sorry you've had to feel so conflicted about your friend and your attractions/non-attractions and your family and what to do!

I think as pumpkin says, there's good in not being so hard on yourself when it comes to your own feelings.

I think your parents and family could be really nice supportive people but casual anti-gay jokes can really have an effect on you, which you realised, you're right. There are also a lot of anti-gay messages in society as a whole, that can have a massive effect on us. Thinking about that is healthy, but it doesn't always say who you should or shouldn't date. And in fact, I don't think good dating is a matter of "should" at all, but a matter of "want".

Knowing that you're confused about your family's influence on your sexuality, can mean that maybe you'd be more comfortable with same-sex dating if they didn't make anti-gay jokes (not counting mainstream society's anti-gay elements)... but as it stands, as well as pumpkin's suggestion that you can actually "Just go for it", it's also ok not to go for it yet if you like...

It's very natural to find yourself looking inwards, and to end up calling yourself the "master of self-deception and denial")and questioning all your feelings, what they mean and trying decide what has influenced you and formed your sexuality... And by the way you ironically sounds pretty self-aware and not self-deceptive to me because really most of the things you describe are things most people do!

I think sometimes it can be worth just calling all feelings true feelings... they all might come from different places, but you still feel them. They all still lead to you being in a situation where you're not so comfortable with the idea of a relationship with your friend and at the same time know you've had attractions, which doesn't mean you actually have to do something.

I think to an extent a lot of our sexualities can be seen as a reflection of our histories. In effect maybe we are all "repressing" /moving on from old feelings, and manufacturing new ones. There are things that would never turn me on if it weren't for experiences in the past, and there are things that never would have turned me off if it weren't for my experiences in the past. But so long as none of that harms anyone, it's all ok to me!

You don't even need a good reason to say, "I don't feel ready or comfortable with dating".

It might be worth asking yourself "What do I feel most comfortable doing?" and even better "What would I really enjoy?" rather than "What should I do?"

(Heather's essay An Immodest proposal is pretty invigorating on that point!)

By the way you know you can edit your posts by clicking  - ? - helpful tip

Edit: I guess I posted too slowly! But I'm still happy to hear you're feeling better and less conflicted and frustrated, good luck!

[ 08-21-2011, 01:31 PM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

Posts: 694 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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