So, this is my first time posting here. I joined because I love my girlfriend, and I trust her, but I really, really need a second opinion on what to do right now. I don't want to see us fall apart. I truly care about her, which is kind of a really big deal for me because I don't form close relationships with people easily.That being said, I know I am biased to believe she is almost always right- I just want to think clearly for a minute.
This is not my first relationship- my first real relationship (or sexual, if you prefer, it was the first one I really took seriously) was with a different girl. Let's call her #. I met # one day and we just sort of clicked. We exchanged phone numbers, and soon enough # was sending me sweet little goodmorning texts and calling me things like 'babe'. It was really encouraging, and whenever we talked my heart always fluttered. Basically, I was head over heels for that girl. She really charmed me.
Eventually, we got together- bad idea. It started out nice, and we were happy for a really long time, but eventually # started messing with my head so badly. She would tell me she loved me one day, and then refuse to acknowledge we were together the next. One day she'd be kind to me, the next she would totally avoid me- sometimes she dissapeared for weeks or months. She would come back when she wanted sexual favors, and I was so scared she'd leave forever if I didn't comply that I just went along with it. I was having panic attacks almost daily, and I lost ten pounds from stress.
# came out as a ftm. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but she still wanted me to have sex with her while pretending she was a man. I couldn't handle it. The girl I had fallen in love with no longer existed. I was the one who finally ended the relationship.
# called me back a few times to try and talk things out- we never got anywhere. I was too afraid to try again, and we couldn't reach a compromise.
Fast forward to *, my current girlfriend. I met * a while after # and I fell apart. * and I bonded over both having been mentally abused by ex-girlfriends, and we became another support system for eachother. But we became more than that- we were friends. She made me feel safe again, and I trusted her.
We got together after a while, and made a pact not to hurt eachother like that.
* and I are still together, and I'm still so happy about that. She's just lovely and sweet and smart and everything I could have asked for. Still though, as happy as I am, sometimes I have days where my heart just hurts from what happened with # because something makes me remember and I need to talk about it or have some time to think on my own. * gets upset because she thinks I'm comparing her to #, but I'm trying so hard not to! It's just sometimes * says things that make me nervous because they remind me of things # did and I want to talk it out so we can get to the bottom of what makes me so uneasy.
I know * thinks i still like # and it's hard for her to talk to me about her, which I understand- # was the first person I really, really felt romantically attatched to, and I can't just pretend that I won't always have a place in my heart for the time we spent together. She left marks on me that make me who I am. But that doesn't mean I love * any less. I love her more, I think. Equally at the very least, but I think it's more.
But I digress. I really need to talk some things out with *, and unfortunately # is going to be mentioned because there is no way around it- # is a part of me. * wants to take the approach of 'if we don't talk about it the problems will go away' but I don't feel that way. I need to talk. I don't want to hurt her, I adore her, but we need to talk!
Am I wrong for wanting to talk it out with her? If I am, can someone suggest something else we can do? Or, if it's okay to try and talk to her, can someone suggest a gentle way to bring up the subject with her? I really, really don't want to hurt her. I just want us to be stable, and I feel like I need to talk it out to do that.
First things first: is this about needing to process your previous relationship more, in general? For sure, I can see why you'd need to, but if it's really about that last relationship, not really about this one, and your current partner is not handling where you're at about your previous relationship well, then she might NOT be the right person to be doing that processing with.
Or, is this about THIS relationship, and issues you are having in it with your current partner, which would be issues even if they had NOT been with your previous partner?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 67994 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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